December 28th 2008 , New York . 1:56 am
ill pay for the ticket . ill pay for the subway ride for love ... & destination: straight to hell . you do what you do and pray that God doesnt hold you too accountable . truth be told , it's cold outside & love aint done nothin but strip me of my clothes . now a nigga butt naked, bare and freezin , beggin' for a bit of affection . well, im done with the projects of love . im movin' on up and into the comfort and warmth of selfishness .
February 14th 2009 , Los Angeles . 9:14 pm
mm hmm, One day . One day he'll surprise me with lillies and he'll know that they're my favorite . I can imagine his red sweater to match my red sweater (with sparkly shoes of course) and we'll make people look forward to something . we'll make people sigh when they see us live in each other . we'll make people warm with hopes of us . we'll make people look forward to a love like ours from their windows . walking down the beach and taking in the moon with our breaths . people will stare from their beach house windows . i wish i wasn't staring out of mine . . .
May 09th 2009 , Orlando . 7:45pm
...but im not the 'relationship type' . i may be the 'good girl' and i may have some principle ... but i dont believe that a real relationship can breathe with society shoving a pillow in it's face . Everything he's saying sounds like violins and 808's . Everything he is looks like disneyworld . No dark . BUT, i have scars from broken promises . it took years to cover them, and here he is . i cant help but think he has a razor blade behind his back .
July 12th 2009 , Chicago . 10:13am
Im painting today . Im painting the scars of his past because i like his present . I never like to hold things against a guy , but the tongue . the tongue of this town is sharp and cutting me with his accusations . im standing in front of him with my arms wide open , taking any slashing i can . im standing in front of his character, taking the stones of the people in their glass mansions . yet, he has no idea & he wont because ill be his rock . i don't even know em like that , but i know the butterflies in my stomach . i know them intimately .
November 21st 2009, Dallas . 2:15pm
i know all i need to , shit . i don't care what was said . i don't care what you think you heard . i don't care about the arguments or the speed bumps . i don't know what toothpaste he uses in the morning, and i don't need to know if that's a birthmark or scar ...yet . my soul twinkles at the mention of his name . you ever seen the stars out here ? yes . my spirit and these stars are simply Siamese & i am in bliss . ill take the ignorant bliss if that's all that left in the world ... whatever it is, it feels like something real .
January 30, 2010, Atlanta . 4:30am
we are simply characters . our settings change constantly and we are picked up by our wardrobe ...placed in a scenario and told, "ACTION !" we scrabble like lab rats trying to finish the maze hoping that the other is at the end, holding a happy ending in their hand . our souls are partners . they can place us in any maze and my soul will listen for your heartbeat ...pushing through any curve ball they throw . our frustration . our circumstances . the obstacles ...create smoke . sometimes i want to stop where i am cause im exhausted . please don't give up on a tired soul .
- so many thoughts, feelings, people, and perspectives . ironically enough, we all fit in somewhere ...even if it's in between . ironically, love is schizophrenic enough to make you feel all of these at once , smh .
mmm . personally, i feel like mariah's last ten songs have sounded exactly the same . & i think Nicki Minaj gave the song a pinch of interest (: . i thought the video was fun though . BUT, hey . everyone is entitled to their own perspective . what do YOU think about the song/video ?
i treated this like mama's good china . i wore my gloves to be gentle with this . i wouldn't let anyone else hold it (with the fear that they would steal it , or worse ...harm it) . i watched it grow into the most it could & we nurtured it till we thought it could fly from the nest . too soon . i threw it across the room a month ago . it bounced off of the love chair and luckily landed safely . BUT NOW, we both throw it . too often , testing it's boundaries ... testing its durability . we throw it across the passive, across the distance, across the late night parties . we took advantage of its stability . what i thought was 'mama's good china' is now some cheap vintage vase that doesn't match the decorum of your new room .
i hope we didn't create glass ceilings .
they say, "you should never let a man complete you" . mmm, can he start me ? in all honesty, the undying burning in my soul starts and ends with you my love . my mind is tip toeing around the memory of your essence , careful not to crush the passion-colored egg shells of our romance . but i never liked the light , balanced dance of a tip-toe . i'm more of a lambada type of girl & that started with you ."they" do not know you .
they say, "never give your heart away, they might break it" . i keep super glue in my handbag for emergencies . in contrast to the timid heart quotation above, a heart kept alone is malnourished in life . it never has the chance to grow tough skin . the beaming bliss of soaring in love is worth the pain if i fall to the ground . you can sign my affection-caused cast when i pick myself up to love again . a heart is priceless, and even though it is sometimes sold in the black market for cheap . . . its capabilities and its strength are often underestimated .
they say, "love is blind" . [smirk] , well i trust you to guide me . is that not love ? being able to close your eyes in life and trust that your counterpart will take your hand ? lead you through the adversity ? they say that people in love cannot see . they can, but they choose to close their eyes ... at least i do . the memory of you warms me in my coldest hour . the thought of us can bring the world to its knees .
& i have a few things to say:
Obama is a an impressive president . he was MAN enough to inherit the country in one of its worst economic & national safety eras . When i say he was "man enough" i dont mean he ran for president . I mean he was "man enough" to not only become the president, but also try to promote change ! I firmly believe that John McCain would have put on his rose-colored glasses and let the country plummet into a black hole of deeper debt and disaster . The republicans have a history of looking out for number one (themselves) and turning their back on the little people (ex. Nixon, Bush & Reagan) .
Barack is also one of our first personable presidents . I dont know about you, but it's nice to see a living, breathing president for a change . Bush was a puppet with his father's hand up his ... anus lol . Barack thinks for himself ... he jokes, he's witty, he's smart, he smiles, he can relate to my cynicism of the government and he's passionate about the potential of the country . I love having a president that has not given up on America . I can also appreciate that he is honest about the current state that we are in (economic wise & military wise) . He admitted that he promised to get us out of Iraq and unlike his predecessor, he is not scared to have a set goal for that day . I can also respect him putting pressure on the congress & lobbyist , instead of being politically correct .
A lot of Christians have a problem with Barack because of some of his left wing stances on moral issues . Im not going to lie, that is a very important issue and it is a reason to be concerned . However, I am not willing to lose my house, my health care, and my family's safety just because John McCain "claimed" to be a conservative . Being a Christian is very important, but Bush claimed to be a Christian and he was still willing to sell the well being of this country in exchange for his own gain . I can at least feel comfortable knowing that Obama cares about me (instead of going golfing while the people in New Orleans were drowning in their own feces and disease..cough, cough BUSH) . Obama promotes unity, honesty, dignity, hope and justice ... are those things not of the Christian morale ? hmm .
Lastly, did you see him shout out Michelle ? BOW ! that man is so suave lol . the cutest couple ever !! :)
I want you to know
You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
if each day,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.
I'm not supposed to be talking . it breaks rule #152 of 'the wall handbook' . . .
but this guy is despicable . i don't like to meddle in people's business so i never speak . but this nigga is triflin' . someone has to let you in on the situation :
he cheats . ALL THE TIME . short ones, tall ones, big ones, small ones . he doesn't call like he used to . . . because he cheats . doesnt care like he used to . . . because he cheats .& i know that men cheat all the time and i bet you're wondering , "why break the rules and tell lil 'ole me ?" . welp, we're kinda similar... me and you . you stand firm , like me . you stand firm in your belief in this guy and he tears you down anyway . you're sturdy and there for him through all weather, situation, and circumstance ... and yet, he takes advantage of the situation and knocks you down . yes . we're alike . he paints over me to hide the stains and blemishes . he does the same thing to you . he creates this facade over you without you having the slightest idea about the blemishes in your relationship . i know you had some intuition, but couldn't comprehend somethin' like this . i know you had some gut feeling, but couldnt put your finger on it . i know . but he cheats . & i didnt wanna say nothin' . i tried to turn my back to the situation (figuratively speaking of course), but after he had her pressed up against me with her thigh in his hand (and well . . . you know the rest . . . ) i felt compelled to let you know . fall, tumble & crumble on em ...just like a wall should . he deserves it .
ladies, please let me be your wall . trust your intuition in a situation . don't be crazy, snoopy, or delusional ... but trust your good sense . i know way too many girls that are in denial about their situation . way too many . be real with yourself . you'd be surprised what is underneath the curtains of a situation . listen to the wall .
let me explain my perspective.
i am an African American (creole/Haitian heritage) girl that was born and raised in Pasadena, California . My life was squeaky clean & sparkly for fifteen years . When i was fifteen, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer . 10 months later, my mother passed from breast cancer . I visit the doctor all the time to acknowledge 'early prevention' . my life revolves around my mother's death but i have no regrets about God's decision because it made me into the person i needed to become . However, i also have some responsibilities to watch over my own health . PERSPECTIVE #1 ^ .
i am smart . not extraordinarily brilliant or anti-social smart , but i know some things . i know how good God can be . i know what love is . i know what principles i strive to live for everyday . i know that some of the dumbest people are the most educated . PERSPECTIVE #2 ^
I know writing . please understand me . im not saying that i know 'how' to write and im not saying that i am the pinnacle of 'great writing'. i said, "I know writing" . Writing is about perspective and meaning . I know that God gave me a perspective, a voice, experiences and meaning . Writing is my little beach in Fiji with a hammock and sunset , because it allows me to escape & release ... and its all from my perspective . SO, until you have lived my life or experienced MY perspective ... please do not tell me (or anyone else for that matter) how to post . not on my safe haven . if there is something you do not like, or feel offended by ... i apologize (those are not my intentions) . & i always encourage comments and CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM . But dont feel obligated to visit my blog either because i stand by my statement at the end of this page .
thank you (:
her walk is a dance . yes, she dances with wild flowers and high fields of grass while he stares from the corner of the hallway . her hair must come with one of those 'personal fans' because it always seem to float in the wind . she smiles to a friend and with one arm she hugs . . .while her books balance in the other , so poised . that smile could make a suicidal man think there's somethin' left to live for . her 'it was all a dream' t-shirt makes him smile, but then he realizes that he might look crazy . he straightens his face . he just wants to be her perfume . . .
he continues to stare in the midst of her awe . here she comes . boom .. boomm ... boooombooom boomboomboom BOOM BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM , his heartbeat is connected to the motherland . he opens his mouth to speak and there is a midget in the back of his throat ...holding on tight to sound. all of the one-liners , 'you come here oftens', and suave hand gestures have found their way out of this university hallway . she glides 2 inches by him ...eyes straight forward . 'does she even know i exist?' he wonders ...
there he is . i wonder if he knows that i re-washed my hair just on the chance that he'd be in this hallway ? ugh . i should've changed . this t-shirt is stupid as hell , 'it was all a dream' . psh , what if he doesnt even like biggy ? he'll probably think , "whaaaat was all a dream?" man . ohhhh , good . a face i recognize . i wonder if he can see me hugging ? do i look like a good hugger? okay focus . focus . look approachable and hug like youre not a social retard . i hope these books dont fall . nothing looks lamer than picking up books off of a hallway floor . i wonder if he thinks i have a cute smile ? wait . is there something in my teeth ? f*&^% .
okay. now i have to walk right next to him . dont fall ... dont fall ... dont fall . look approachable, but dont look at him at all 'cause you'll look desperate . or should i look ? what if he looks at me like im his aunt thelma or something . okay, walk close enough ...but dont bump into him . and will i look slutty if i poke my chest and butt out just a little ? okay whatever, here we goooOoOooo . . . . . wow, he didnt even notice me . does he even know i exist ?
you'd be surprised who knows you exist . the guy that randomly 'likes' your status probably took all day to muster up the strength . the person that reads your blog but doesnt know how to approach you . you'd just be surprised ... maybe they have noticed you too ?
my son . i want you to come into the world with big hands . i want you to enter the world with people in your palms . nothing will be too big for you to grasp because i love you . prejudice and apprehension will be mere roaches on the ground for you to step on towards success . your skin color is not a burden son, but instead a metal of honor & a medal of honor . . . please wear it as such . Embrace Black because it's more valuable than you think . i want you to crush the fear of failure with your thumb . with the other four fingers, i want you to help others when they have fallen . you can do this because i love you .
my son . i don't care what your passion is in life . you can be a movie director, a doctor, a photographer, a writer, a garbage man, electrician, advertiser, artist, politician, chef, teacher, cure cancer, legalize marijuana, or start your own clothing line . the only thing you cannot be is a fool . know that knowledge is the key to wisdom, and wisdom is the key to contentment . sigh . i WILL give your first three girlfriends a hard time ... because by the forth, there is a chance that you JUST might get it right . no one will be good enough for my little boy up front . i will embarrass you with some childhood nickname , but i hope it will humble you lol . i'll probably scream terribly loud at any of your sport events & make you blush when i send your dad to talk to you about sex [the ins & outs & in betweens] . i want you to take the world by storm ... because i love you .
you will treat women with respect . you will remember that every girl is some one's daughter . me and your dad will show you how to treat women because that is the backbone to a man's compassion, a man's heart . i'm sure you will go through your 'player stage' and stick your chest out when you get facial hair . ill laugh . oh, i want you to lose your sense of time . chivalry is the undying element of the earth and no 'trends' or 'fads' will stop you from being an individual . mamma didnt raise no follower ! you wont be here until many MANY years from now (lol) but ultimately, i'll make sure that your soul is tattooed with a sense . . . of h u m a n i t y for the world. you will take responsibility for your place in the world as a Black man because i love you . because i love you already .
you will probably hear me and your father arguing when youre an infant, but we love each other . dont worry, it's just that neither one of us want to wake up at 4am to change your diaper :)
college makes you bear & your facade get soft .
you go away from home feelin' good and brave ,
nine months down the line, my minds about to cave
in and no seems to remember your name
your interests, your life, your claim to fame .
who you were back home is a simple silhouette,
a shadow of your presence that everyone f o r g e t s .
your friends are off at school or providin for theirs ;
parents stuck with bills so you wonder who cares .
your warmest company is a frozen call greeting,
call your back home friends & they tell you 'girl, im sleepin' .
they dont mean no harm and neither do you
midterms in the morning and and papers to do .
SO you mold your life at college to 'A priority',
simply. someone discontinued your hometown glory .
this is the feeling of ALOT of college students . i keep on hearing about this anxiety we all have about self-actualization . when you go away to college, its a great experience and you get a lot of first time opportunities . however, it can make you feel like no one really remembers who you are . friends that went away to school are busy doin their thing & family is back home tryna keep their lives stable . sure, they still love you and they miss you ... but it makes you sit back and wonder sometimes , "is anyone just thinking about me? wondering if im still alive?" SO at this time, if you have a friend away at college ... send a text or call them saying that youre thinking about them :]
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
So I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
sigh . i love pablo neruda's poems ... elegance, honesty, and romantic . always .
1. none of them can play these instruments .
2. my cousin mitch is off beat [haha love you !]
3. why did ahmir wear that hat ?
*quincy makes a gazillion of these videos and theyre all halarious lol . find em somewhere ?
so, my friend asked "is it natural to love?"
are you kidding me ? who knew four words could make my face crunch up and my palms sweat ? she said, "we love our parents and we love our family and we love our friends (depending on who they are). But, romantically, is it natural to love people?"
that is a complex question . the love that we have for our family and friends is a completely different type of love than the one of our lovers . As opposed to talking to your friends and cousins every other day or week ,we drench ourselves in the people that we are in love with all the time . We make our world about them and they do the same for us . Is that healthy ? Is that natural ? Biologically speaking , we are made to reproduce . Our bodies attract to hormones in the opposite sex (subconsciously) to make babies . But all the extra: the yearning to talk to them everyday, the butterflies, the deep pit devotion . . . is it natural or societal constructed ?
the reality tv shows to find love , the love movies, the love songs, and the love poetry all tell us what we're missing or how to feel . the yoplait yogurt , special K, 24 hour fitness, weight watchers commercials that imply that eating healthy will make you attractive, hence ...help you find love . Has the media taught us that love is the ultimate thing to strive for in life ? maybe we hold on so tight to the people we are in love with because we know that they are hard to come by . Maybe we love so hard for the people we meet because they 'GET US' when no one else does .
when a girl tells a guy, "I love you, but more like a brother" . She means, "Psh. I could never revolve my world around you. I could never talk to you all the time. I could never imagine us kissing or fawning for each other." So, maybe someone can answer my question: Is romantic love a natural occurrence OR something that has been hyped up by the culture around us ? and if romantic love IS natural, why is it so different from other types (for example, the consequences of romantic love is heartbreak ) ?
The crazy part is: Even if we realized that romantic love isn't natural , we would never give up on it because of our yearning to meet that special someone .
2. "Let's Talk About Pep" is my newest TV show addiction . A show about desperate, single, cougars in NY ? come on lol . it's a reminder every monday of who i dont wanna be , lmbo .
3. Omarion's CD flopped . sad .
4. i just found out today that people on the east coast were on the airbrush, name belts, and mall pictures just like the west coast was . lol
5. Ryan Leslie is still one of the most talented guys in music . Im tired of people jumping on the bandwagon YEARS later , smh .
6. Three musical talents to check out/look out for in LA: Overdoz , Karen Flores, & Somewhere Else . <>passionate about music .
7. im so sick of this 'alternative lifestyle' phenomenon [blog coming soon]
8. RED lipstick is not for everyone .
9. Burt's Bees lip balm or Carmex lip balm ?
10. oh, i hate when girls call me 'boo' . just keep that in mind for future reference . it sounds condescending and just a tad bit gay .
the sun is dripping through my bars on this beautiful afternoon . im curled in my bed trying to recap how i landed myself in this exquisite predicament . two hundred and fifty days ago, i was balancing my loathe of commitment on one hand & my acid drenched perception of love in the next . somehow, i woke up in a room with arms around me, watching 'G.I Joe' and a kiss to my forehead .
this time served has been a trying one, psychologically . competing for the best bunk, best food, best phone privileges, ... competing for the best of you . strangling my mind trying to control this foreign feeling of jealousy and frustration in me . pulling my hair out, mad at myself for losing "my cool" ... [im still searching for it] . suppressing all of the questions, irritation and relapses of my skepticism . too prideful to take the money you want to put on my books , afraid to trust sometimes . yes, it has been trying in some aspects .
yes, it is day one hundred and fifty and it seemed to fly by . i started off with my guard up, ready to slash anything that could harm me in the end . now im comfy in this ... arms wide, head high and ready to slash anything that could ever have the intention of harming you . im not a stranger to the concept of courage , but courage in this place is hard to master . i guess i was a tulip with frozen petals ; something hard with a soft perception . throughout my one hundred and fifty, time has began to thaw the icy outsides . . . but slowly .
but God, i love it here . in here, the sun is warm and the wind is nice . in here, i am raw and in my purest form . gates made of honesty, compassion, generosity, selflessness and trust guard me ... protect me . the outside world is out of luck because they'll never be let in . They try to hop the gates and infiltrate a good thing with opinions, cuts of the tongue and gossip . but we learn more and more , outsmart them more and more . we grow . mm, i guess this makes me a prisoner of love .
peter hopped over the boat in the midst of the dangerous water. Yes, the dangerous water was eager to inhale his body at any moment . Peter kept his focus on Jesus and behold, he walked on water . Peter's nerves began to kick in and he looked down . The wind was strong and everything that [could] go wrong leaked into his mind like water from a busted pipe . He looked at his feet that were amputated by the ice water and slowly, the rest of his body began to sink as well . Suddenly, he felt a hand that pulled him above the waves .
It's pretty simple . When Jesus is not involved, things go wrong . When you have lost focus on God, things fall apart . See, you may say that things go wrong when he's in your life . But if you know anything, you know that adversity works itself out when Jesus in involved . When God is involved, you can sit back and watch things get better, as opposed to running around in a frantic state .the true faith in God is saying that he's awesome even before he solves your problems . God is Good .
i started this blog because i needed an outlet, but i found it weird to write in a diary and then have to look back as if i wasnt myself lol . It has turned out to be so liberating and it turns out that some people out there can really feel what im saying . Im not blogging because it's a social acceptable thing to do, im honestly just doing it to write . Im doing it to hopefully enlighten someone out there . Im doing it to show people that life is all about perspective & humanity .
thanks to all the people who follow my blog, the people who inspire me, the people who encourage me .
Yesterday, i thought i was going to Morehouse to see a movie about A.D. King (Martin Luther King Jr.'s brother) . Little did i know, it was a ceremony that acknowledged Mr. King's contribution to America . Little did i know, the King family was there ! Nigerian government officials, congressmen, legislators and civil rights activists came to the microphone with nostalgia in their eyes ... nostalgic memories pouring from their eyes and running down their cheeks .
Then it got me to thinking about how ungrateful my generation is . All we aspire to be in life are strung out celebrities, filthy rich, and simple . There are so many things that we can do to keep people pushing forward . A.D. King's daughter said that she was arrested as a child during the civil rights movement . Can you imagine being able to say that you stood up for injustice in America ? Can you imagine saying that you fought in the courtrooms so your whole race could be given more respect ? Can you imagine Barack Obama telling you that his presidency is owed to your work in the movement ?
Martin Luther King Jr. and his associates marched so we could have any friends we wanted . And yet, we still isolate ourselves and marginalize any other race around us . People went to jail so we could be in the same public places with Whites . And yet, we are loud and obnoxious in movie theatres and restaurants . . . decreasing the worth of our presence . People's houses were bombed so we could get an education, and yet we cant even get to school . People died so we could have a say so in this nation, in the WORLD and yet Black People could care less about its well being . People lost their family so we could love ourselves . And yet, we have rubbed self-hatred on our arms . . . resenting each other for our dark or light skin . We cant be "Black", we have to be claimed as 'mixed' . [literally shaking my head]
my generation . My poor, misguided, dollar signs in our eyes, lowly generation . . . please wake up . there is still plenty of time to open your eyes , take advantage of it .
i told him that i was only half way fulfilled without him . i told him that life was a glass half empty . . . without him . since that august day, the world was blurring and i could only see his face, but that's the way i liked it . a best friend, a person to fill the gaps between my fingers with theirs, a love strong enough to pick me up and place me on the tenth cloud ... that's the way i liked it . hot sensation on my face, neck, and back ... the weathers irrelevant, simply our love stayed on track .
i could spend my remaining breaths explaining this joy . he gave me his heart so i ran and hid, it'd take a lifetime to get it ... yes, i know what i did . i kept it somewhere safe where the world cannot harm it, but it's healthy and wrapped in love , yes i made sure to warm it . this joy, so intricate that i don't want to examine too long . i grasped his soul, kept holding on . i want to bathe in this love's beauty until it sinks in the skin , i knew we couldn't lose ... the only option was to win .
-- things can go either way depending on God's dosage in a situation .
i said that 'this' was dying & if i said i knew CPR , i'd for damn sure be lyin' .
it was january when everything was cold ; not effects of the weather, it's just the love got old .
he folds my arms across his chest , it's his defense mechanism . he's so blind to the losin 'cause they could only see 'em winnin . i only cry when my world turns black, its the coldest feeling . 'this' tastes like tofu, i coulda swore it was the real thing . this faux leather love took a toll on my tip, so now i'm holdin back tears, seekin' sky, & bitin my lip .
december's ice formed on my heart, and mind .
i worked so hard to warm them, lie to them, please em . but in all actuality, my incapability to stop thinking caused them the utmost treason . theyre tired of dodging bullets in a game simulation , pretending that numb is fine when all they want is stimulation . they're rent-a-cops in a shopping plaza . falsifying like they have to fight when the hardest fight was trusting through drama . it's like quicksand , you sink . i pull . catalyst sink .
-- things can go either way depending on God's dosage in a situation .
comparing love to a battlefield is like gnawing at the face of a sunset. what a blatant disregard for the positive attributes of a timeless treasure ? Love can be a gentle thing, a kind thing, a selfless thing, a thing that keeps us warm when we are cold at night . In the midst of danger, love can sweep you off of your toes, turn around, and fire at the enemy . With the latter being said, that's the only comparison that love deserves in relation to war .
Love is not always kicks and giggles . Yes, some of those kicks are to the groin . . . but it is significant . Love Is Significant . It's the yearning you feel when you want them around . It's the feeling of vulnerability when you share one of your deepest secrets . It's the hope and wanting for more time together . It's the feeling of security from 3000 miles away . The hardest part about love is about the giving and taking . Love is knowing that things have a huge probability to fall apart ... and pushing forward regardless . "sometimes the things that scare you the most, are the things you need the most " that's love .
i have dreams about you in my sleep .
tossing and turning , my hours disintegrate while im inwardly stretching for you .
i must say, it's been to long since i have felt you in my presence .
so long in fact, that i keep praying that you'll come to me gift wrapped as a present.
but the truth of the matter is, if i want you . . . i have to go out and attack .
i have to scrape and scratch through my handbags , rip open my wallets and pockets, and burn the black bars of my credit cards until the fantasy is a possibility .
Oh, Shoes ! Oh how i miss thee ! where art thou ? and all that other cheesy Shakespearean nonsense that we love to use to express our romantic devotion . Shoes, it has been too long and in my life, you compete with food . As a young, black college student living so far from home , my money goes to food . . . but now my feet are alone . I miss you . Tall, short, chocolate, camel, sparkles, black, red, purple, bows, boots, straps, and buckles ! [sigh] someday .
slash those weights of "ravishing romance" that keep you hindered .
"I know he's no good for me , BUT . . ."
today, i speak from a perspective of the friend who gives advice . today, i speak from the angle of the friend who is tired . fed-up . confused . guilty . worried . abused. misunderstood and sick .
I am a listener , but i am not a subdued one . I am speaking today for every girl who is the "mom" of the group or the "advice giver" of their friends or even just a "comfort giver" . We dont like your F-grade, no-good, lying, disrespectful, abusive (physically, emotionally), deceitful, cheating, arrogant, manipulative, insecure boyfriend . HELLOOOOOO ? As a caring, honest friend, . . . why would i be okay with seeing my bestfriends cry everynight ? why would i be content knowing that my friend thinks of herself as less than the queen that she is ? how can you expect me to support the distruction of my friend's self-esteem, future, and possibly life ?
We [the listening friends] are tiredddd of hearing you lie to us and say that youre done with him (for the 20,000th time) . We are tired of you telling us that 'he aint shxt' and seeing him in your car in two days . We are tired of hearing this same thing : "Im not perfect like you" "Im not as strong as you" "I cant BE you" . No one is asking you to be us . We are asking you to appreciate & love yourself . That's all . The phone calls at 3am crying . The emo days . WE, the ones who love you, are tired .
Girls consult the mind, Boys consult the penis .
Boys said to be logical, Girls burdened by the emo .
Why are we concerned with these 'facts' wherever we go ?
So worried by gender expectations ,
confused, constrained, our lives a constant demonstration ...
of the failures of our sexes . wonderin who the next is,
cause we messed up too much, blew off who coulda been the bestest .
Girls are clingy, Boys are dogs .
So absorbed with the "sayings", but theyre mirrors & fog .
Im not just a 'fe' and you arent just 'some guy'
Some people break boundaries, not even asking why .
Let's not have hang ups on the general .
and i wont have to hang up when i think youre bein 'typical' .
Boys and Girls have different genetics
but cheatin, jealous, lyin ? that's straight up pathetic .
Beyond the gender rules, we're simply human .
we can love and exceed wherever we've been .
I've never been like everyone around me
I wont start now, about as far as i see . . .
i will never forget about you (even if you forget about me) . i'll never forget the warmth of your embrace when i felt a little blue and bland . i'll never forget the way you always try to feed me and make me blush . California, people don't know you like i do . They do not connect like we do, live like we do . Some claim to have had your love , but we both know that i see a whole different side . The pain from the plain perception of your appearance only . They are so quick to persecute you as some type of one dimensional aspect of life . You made mine . I'll always defend you, you have been good to me & i throw my loyalty in your direction . i'll never forget .
From the in N out field trips , tummy smiling to the beach adventures . . . taking in your son of suns . Days and nights in my car, living only in the moment . wind, shine, rain, and warm . . . it's a different love , but the same temperature love .
my dearest California, i will never forget you (even if you forget about me)
All My Love,
i tried to piece my feelings together ,
first knitting the furry anxiety i feel when our pulses greet .
i attempted to glue the metaphors together to manifest the raw, broken, choppy laugh my stomach produces from this love .
i struggle to braid the blush of the stars , the grass, and gravel when we are ... us.
like a lanyard, i slip in the day kisses, the PDA, and pull tight on the soft yanks of my waste .
i want to put together the chocolate-dipped relentless faith in one another .
braid the butterflies, the time spent searching eyes, the weak whispers birthing smiles, the finger tips dancing on necks .
but it keeps unraveling .
when i walk away from my failed masterpiece, i step and CRACK .
i pick up the beads of personified skepticism & ask where it came from .
then, a string of miscommunication imagery has meshed to the back of my sweater .
i open the door to find the pieces of heartbreak similes, neighborhood gossip, and illusion allusions scattered across the floor .
i dont want these in my love poem . My fairy-bitten, cotton candy, sparkly, pink perfect poem . i dont want these elements in my love poem , but without them . . . my love poem cannot live . without our f*cked up beads, and passionate clumsy strings of yarn: without our mushiness that provokes puke . . . my love poem falls apart .
my love poem unraveled . a counterfeit recant of love can never exist if it's meant to be beautiful .
winds of the west cooling off his chest as it catches a flame .
fire makes a home in their souls these days & they wouldnt dare charge rent ,
other folks would pay to have such a tenant to blame /
see, fire has a suitcase . full of scratches to the back & dances of the lips, exquisite in a paramour type of way .red lips, yellow sun peeks after hours, oranges peeled for fifth hour energy . when the night sky slips its day off of the shoulder to show her collar bone, that's when it's hottest . after all, blue is the insinuation of the fire at its peak . a person feeble, weak .
she frowned . she knew he was lying, but felt an obligation to smile .
she felt the need to smile & validate his lie .
in the pit of her stomach she wanted to whisper, "oh pleeeease" .
but nope, she smiled to protect his feelings while putting hers on the front line of battle .
each time she held her tongue ,
a piece of her good sense . . . snapped in half .
so , legs were spread .
"You know I only care for you girl," he said half-attentive .
she smiled, silence .
snap . s n a p . SNAP .
she could see the liar in his eyes . she knew how lies worked .
they fill in the eyes , the dance into the mouth & leap out .
his eyes were so full, she thought that they would drown .
his lies leaped out so gracefully , it was truly a practiced skill .
she validated his lie . smile . and snap . the more it snapped, the more fungi of naivete grew on her bones . she started to believe him . just ask her now .
shouted the pessimist .
or perhaps . . . 'shouted the realist' ?
or maybe, 'shouted the person with lack of all hope' ?
these three concepts are thrown toward me simultaneously .
i catch one with my left hand, one with my right ,
oh but good ole' number three . . . hits me in the chest & i drop all of them .
they sit on the floor, tangled 'till i tilt over to unravel .
i've been unraveling for ten years now .
is it naive to be realistic when you can see devastation's shadow creeping up s l o w ?
those burgundy gloves of pessimism prop you up, waiting for the blow .
is it taboo to hold on when hope fails you ?
hope can carry people 5,000 feet in the air just to enjoy the view .
oh but hope can disappoint, your body dropped and broken in two .
they say, 'it's always best to stay positive' .
but 'they' probably live lavishly with money deposited .
hope keeps me going everyday .
but when it fails us, should we find another way ?
hope cant lose hope in me ,
im staying around . . .
i pray that eventually ,
i'll land on solid ground .
God's hands lay out the tortilla of our life flat .
then the contents are added and stuffed until we have the burrito of our fate . simple enough ?
Most people reach the age of seventy when they realize that life is not as fragile as everyone makes it seem . With bad hips and gray hairs, they realize that life's ambitions could have stretched long enough to cover mountains and oceans . With hearing aids and bad sight, they promote change in the world & learn that other's opinions are a waste of mouth movement .
if only the youth had the wisdom of our elders . We would learn to throw our messy, colorful, premature lives up against the walls of the world . . . making our mark . If only we could apply the wisdom of our elders to shortcut our way through the unnecessary roadblocks of life . opening the trapdoor in our lives to skip the felony charges, the ignorance, the sameness of a world that is allergic to individuality .
instead, we brush our grandparents & elders off as 'crazy', as 'outdated' . Yet, we want to take their fashion and slang . We may not have the most articulate elders or the sweetest grandparents , but we have some of the wisest . They dont give speeches about life's lessons & that says a lot . They have simplified their perspectives into short phrases, "i remember love" . "keep some dignity about yourself" . "listen . dont speak" "hold on to God" .
so the next time you see your grandmother's weak, fragile hands . . . consider the decades they have seen . the number of hand's they held . What types of tears they wiped away & the generations that they lift everyday .
[you know, when they make you write them down on a pretty piece of paper and you only stick to it for about a week because you forgot what you wrote ?]
ever since i was twelve , i never wrote them 'cause they felt more like a chore than anything . BUT, lastnight i actually dreamed about my new years' resolution .
in one of my dreams, i was Africa and [randomly enough] there was this infestation of deadly spiders that were brought into Yoruba . These spiders would sink into the sand and just when you stepped on one, thousands of them would rise from under the ground . . . just w a i t i n g for something to attack . Little landmines .
The Yoruba people were terrified to leave their towns and villages , and SO was i. The key here is ... 'SO was I' . In my dream, i was literally terrified & that's when i realized that i need to have more compassion for other people . I felt a lot of guilt when i came to that conclusion , but then i realized something else . In order to feel compassion for another being , you have to go through the uncomfortable progress of putting YOURSELF in someone else's circumstances . When we pass by a homeless person, we make jokes so we dont have to feel compassion for someone else . When we see an overweight person , we like to tease them because we feel guilty about our disgust towards another human being . A handicapped person, a poor person, someone who is 'ugly' . . . we put up these guards so that we dont have to deal with compassion . . . a sense of humanity .
Starting now, i will consider other people's positions more closely and consider other people's perspectives before i rush to have an opinion about it . R E S O L V E the person inside, and the rest will come :)
guys pull and tug on the knuckles of my hands and i yank them quickly .
it's second, third & fourth nature to keep diamonds in my hands .
ticking time bombs crept their way into my body through lips .
inevitable lines of attachment by my hips .
love can be equated to both birth & death . . . both beyond control .
love is lace & leather . . . overwhelming to say the least .
but we crave it .
but we spend our lives looking for it .
but we lick our lips when we get a glipse of it .
blah blah blah .
i just want things frozen , preserved the way they are .