ha . for all my writers ... mr. taylor mali .

diary posts from the hands .

hello .
my name is left hand .
man, im a screw up . i lifted 15 shots of patron up to my counterpart named mouth . mr. mouth swished the alcohol until it's gums burned (at least, thats what he told me) . i mean, i dont know what happened exactly, but somehow im curled into the fetal position and im charging very fast at someone's face . c r a c k . is that blood ? now im being hurled over here and over there, im hitting noses and eyes and jaws . man, i just cant seem to get right . all of sudden, i'm filled with steel and im pulling back at this moon-shaped metal piece . a shock of release fills throughout my palms and now the gun has fallen from my grip ... what have i done ?

hello .
my name is right hand .
i reached all of me to my mothers face on the other side of the window . im slipped underneath the whole at the bottom and im embracing her... hello mother's hand . i hate picking up the same uniform everyday in here . i'm so ugly . scars and dislocations from the yard fights, guard fights, set fights, late nights .. guarding myself . but i dance across lined notebook paper, making swivels and dashes and dots to my love ones on the outside . i hit keys now . telephone keys to ask my mother to put money on my books . the left hand does all the damage, and my right has all of responsibility .

its not as simple as black and white when it comes to a person's character . but a lot of times, we create 10,000 more colors to compensate for the decisions we make . even though somethings are hard to decifer as ethical, some things are simply wrong & right ;


li[F]e is i[M]possib[L]e today .


the birds attacked my washed car, again . wait till i get my gat, bye bye birdies .
money didnt come through from work . 2nd week now .
my hair appointment cancelled on me for the second time now .
i almost got into a car accident ... WITH A PEACOCK .

... life isnt fair, but it has one hell of a sense of humor ;

just married ... 10 years ago .

if i stared in his eyes for 3 hours , there would be no activity .
i thought i saw something midway between the second hour,
but it was just the reflection of his forty ounce .
im tugging at his mind for a glimpse of something worth while .
but his wild devoured him, puking him out on the sidewalk where executive assistants in their pro-fessional stilettos tread across what used to be his being .

his vegitable state makes me feel like i never want to eat again .
the world is a slut that moves from one life to the next .
his has been screwed over one too many times . his status updates always seem to read, "FML" .
it's only a declaration of disdain and remorse . because,
the transition of losing hope is one similar to acid, burning through your soul painfully until the flesh becomes liquid .
its painful, piercing, and pushing the mind into a place that he never saw comming .

im pulling his hands just to get a reaction .
an embrace, something that was there .
i smile as he gets out of his lazyboy, but frown when he reaches for the cellphone to call work .
his looks of contempt could equate to 10 inch nails on a chalkboard .
bending and scraping along the edges of the black surface . perhaps im being scraped away .
so i sit back and sip his forty ounce,
maybe the yellow-ish film will be bright enough to wake him?


i wanna have music's baby .

please dont sleep on wale or kid cudi . ill leave you with these [kinda old , but they are still awesome] :


i almost threw up in my mouth a little .

im just gunna post the link because i didnt want this 'wtf-ness' on my page . please look at this coonery .

spectacular from pretty ricky . as riley would say, "nigga you gay" .


the mind of a man . uh ooooh

i read a book that my dad gave to me called, "Women have all the power" or somethin like that . i have a hard time reading books that give advice because i always wonder what authority people have (or think they have) to tell me how to live my life . the bible is the best self help book if you ask me ... but anywho ...

the man said something that stuck with me though ... he said men want two things (most of the time) from their women : piece or peace . piece being the physical aspect and peace being the mindset . then i thought, hell ... if thats the male mindset, then i must be one messed up young lady . i mean, even though i practice abstinence, sometimes i only see guys for their psysical attributes or capabilities . & on the "peace" tip, i cant stand a dramatic guy . i love conversation and chillin ... but all the jealousy nonsense & disrespect can kick rocks . if a guy causes me discomfort more than once or causes unneeded bull ... im probably heading for the door . if he doesnt call anymore, i figure he's not needed . if he calls, cool . lol ...that simple .

i get looks of confusion sometimes about the way i am. the little crude remarks i spit out. why i make it so hard to be pursued ... um, whatever . lol . i care about the people who invest their energy in me. not the little boys who think they have fish to catch . sometimes ill give a bullshxtter my time because i have an objective in mind lol...but im just a very cut & dry person . i mean, am i wrong ? tell me if i am !


girls just wanna have fun :)

i sat in dennys the other day with my bestfriends .
"stevi, you need to stop playing around all the time & commit ," said sam .

i smiled .

yesterday i was chillin with some friends . my guy friend said, "i am done with girlfriends . its nothing but drama . imma just wait until im done with school and lookin for a wife" . i mean, he was loaded, but whatever lol . once again, i smiled .

relationships . im not going to act like they have absolutely no significance . when two people have a connection and want to be exclusive with one another then i can see why they would enter a relationship . but people love to cheat . lmao . what's the point of spiritually connecting with someone when they intend to stray anyway ? people use relays as an excuse to put ties on a person so no one can have em . however, if people treat their boyfriend/girlfriend like a trophy rather than a friend...they lose their sense of humanity for the others feelings .

i am a firm believer in honesty as the best policy . with time, you learn that honesty is a nasty pill to take...but a lie is one that you will probably choke on . ladies, if a guy tells you that he's not looking for a relationship ...and you are...then walk away. dont hang in there with hopes that he'll 'come around' & then have an attitude with him when he wont commit a year later . Being exclusive with someone is a big step and dont expect him to only mess with you unless you discuss it and agree to it (whether or not he'll have the integrity and character to stand by it is a whole new blog lol) . so basically, the moral of the story is .. communication, honesty & trust . try it ?

so, until i feel the need to deal with all of that ^ ...or come across a guy who can bring peace to my life rather than the drama ... ill just live a little & smile .

song to explain : be by myself by asher roth ft. cee-lo


a prayer .

Dear heavenly father,

I dont know what you have planned for my life Lord . I dont know what's going to happen tomorrow or next week . I just know that im destined for greatness ... in my own capacity . I may not find the cure for breast cancer or create the next mac book, but i know that i will create change somewhere . I ask for the strength, courage, and passion to see my aspirations through . I ask for focus and stability of the mind ... im not perfect . Lord, help me to strive to be more like you each day . I am changing, but hopefully for the better .



awwww (:

my nana
calls me yesterday asking if i got the money she sent . so sweet . i love her like sheesh .
then she asked if i started my job . oh lord lol .

"yeah nana, i started this week !"

she says, "ooooh whats the store called ?"


she says, "whaaaaaat ?! you didnt know your nana loves j.jill ?? its pricey in there . look, this what imma do . imma look at the catalog and tell you what i want . and youuu use your discount for nana & ill give you the money ."


nana, "stevi !!"

"aha . okay nana"

...and thats how i got hustled . lmbo .



look. im not about to be poetic or flowery when i say this . just straight to the point .

this jerk epidemic makes me wanna put my head down a garbage disposal .
okay ! we get it . "you're a jerk" ... someone "taught you how to jerk". cool . now chill out, frickin hypebeassssssties .

it hit me when i was at the mall with ely filling out job applications about 2 weeks ago . these five guys in blue, purple, red, (and whatever color i forgot) pants come up to us . they handin us some flyers to a sus 16 and up party (prolly)...idk what that bull was . they askin what school we go to and blah blah .im just halfway listening cause when they asked if i was busy ... i said, "KINDA". wth .
so anyway, just when i think they're over being humiliated by our lack of interest ... they tell us the party is 'finna be jerkin'. i look up, & then these coons start jerkin and reject stompin all around us at the mall . all the white folks lookin nervous and whatnot . i say, "ayeeeee chill out , chill out...ya'll are pumped." but naw, they didnt hear me...to engulfed in their wackness .

which leads me to say:

jerkin was cool....senior year. & to be honest, i saw it my junior year. its old . its played . let it go .
dayum. dudes be jerkin to too short, keith sweat, lil wayne, beyonce, al green, ...just stop !
if ANYONE knows of a party or kickback where people will not be jerking to sus music ...please let me know [read my desperation] siggggggggh ....


tomorrow aint never 'ner promised =X

do my dearest elysse,
even though i often ignore watchu have to say & shoot smart ass remarks in your direction lol... i love you . blood could make us no thicker . this is my sister ely . my ride or die . ready for anything, down for whatever . we goin to an art gallery, we put on the light denim & head for the car. we hit up a rock n' roll show, we're throwin on our rollin stones tee. if i say we hangin with the soowoopers, she's rollin the bleezy and imma hand her the light . "lets get tatted", she's down for it . elysse marie aka e-slizzle , lmao ...just know that youre appreciated . what you and the fam do for me, appreciated . love yah sister !!

contentment .

breaking my fist into concrete on los robles boulevard . watching it bleed with little dirt specks in between my knuckles and veins . throbbing and shooting pain all the way up to my neck .
if there was ever an occurence to describe that relationship, that would be it .

as i sit at this poorly named kickback , my fists sense concrete . there he is ;
i want to strangle him by the tears that he used to cause back in the day . when i was lost in a maze of my own inhabitions and insecurities . phone calls and texts and aims and myspace and eyes and ears and nose and mouth ... oh that mouth . the mouths that spread my humilation like wildfire in the streets . the mouth she used on you to cause earthquakes in a love expected to withstand the test of time . i bounced off of the diving board, did three flips and soared headfirst into the deep end . i smashed my face into the off-white concrete . left with a broken nose, ruptured eye, blood in my mouth and a fractured heart . when i hopped out of the pool.. it was a " you just dont pick up and leave and leave me sick like that ." cliche like always .

war wounds are only grounds for reflexion and growth .
as i sit at the kickback, my heart feels compassion for a boy who will never know me like he did. as he blows up my phone after, trying to reconcile. trying to push me off the diving board again . he does it in vain . we both know ... that i know ... what i deserve . we both know ... that i know ... what im worth . we both know ill be sending him a postcard from the land of happiness .

eargasm facades .

im sitting in the dark .
if someone told me that there was anyone else in the room ... could have fooled me .
ive been waiting for his set all night, trying to hear something that can make my thighs burn .
um . i mean my soul dance .
im entranced in his everyword like he's pulling my heart by the collar .yanking me while he alludes to the motherland and moves his back to connote strength . speaking softly then roughly, making me crunch and rebuild my self again and again .
im listening intently, just trying to pick something out of his mouth . something that will hold me over until the next time . time stands still while he speaks . hmm, time didnt even have the audacity to stay in the room while he spoke .
time knew what that moment meant to me, what that poem meant to me .
time was aware of what his voice did for my skin, sinking in like cocoa butter. he'd better stop .

be careful what you lust for i presume . he stops and his essence crawls out of the window like the lust i felt for him in the moment . he's an asshole and overbearing without his poetry. he's obnoxious when his melodic soulfood stops singing its servings . he's too loud & its apparent that his soul thirsts for the approval of everyone else in the room . poor thing . poor me. & i just wanna caress him and say softly in his ear,
"STFU" .


grammmps !

this is me and ely's boyfriend . i wanna marry a man just like this ;

dominoes .

my friend .
going through some crazy type things . things that no young man should have to endure .
my heart aches for him at times , wondering if the world's stones will be too much strain on his shoulders . i wonder what God's purpose is for all of his issues & adversity .

but, he smiles . through it all, he smiles . he could crawl into a corner for the rest of his life & have pity on himself , but he finds joy in all of his situations . joy and happiness are not the same thing (but thats a whole other topic) . i just know that he always says, "there are people out there who have it way worse than me. i pray and keep it pushin." instead of looking at his glass as half empty or half full, he decides that it doesnt matter at all. With time, his glass will be overflowing with blessings . his joy inspires the joy in me . a blessing with a mask on it .

happy birthday iman europe (you know, europe like the state) lmxo

happy birthday to miss iman europe ! [aka] weezie f. ladie aha .

when iman transferred to HS from dorsey last year, she said that my friends seemed like the 'mean girls' and that HS was the backdrop haha ... she was right lowkey -_- . BUT, once i distanced myself from alla that ... me, sam, cort, ely, tay and iman clicked (no homo lol) !! nobody feels music like me & iman when we're in the zone . no one loves lil wayne like iman & nobody is halarioussssss like iman , my one of a kind sis . happy birthday buh'luhd lol . =D

so, top five iman memories:

1. when she reeeeally went out to sunset blvd to do the souljah boy & make some money ! lmbo

2. when we were riding down crenshaw and she yelled, 'SOOO WOOOOP GANG!" ...out of my car ...=/ haha .

3. cut my arms off dance . youtube: "cut my effin(or)effing arms off"

4. when we were posted in the car in old town & she made a song about this white guy's weggie !

5. when she got high for gradnight & started spazzzzzin , "look, there are elephants outside !!" lol


random: prom . so much fun, but so much sus . lmao

man, prom.
went to prom . fun fun fun . sam got into a fight outside (gasoline buckets, throwin hands, whole nine..lol) . go to the gas station, run into raz b [wuhh? lol] . roscoes . jokes . after prom . dennys . then the beach? then ely falls asleep at the wheel ... BAM ! lol . good times .

brit, e-slizzle, me & kourt sweiz .

tee (kourt), twani (brit), Q (ely), and danny (duh lol) .

random : that party on los robles & colorado '08


nothings sexier than a twitter stalk . lol

last but not least . im at universal city walk for bri's birthday dinner and we're about to leave . after a tummy full of water and numerous people askin for keke's autograph haha (lol) , me, ceiren, daren, guadi, and tyrone head for the car .
all of a sudden this dude yells out "STEVI !". i look around ... "STEVI !" im staring at this guy dead in the face & idk who he is . he starts talkin to me like im supposed to know him ?
...long story short, im thinking about deleting my twitter account -_-
[nervous laugh goes here] . when i say 'stalk me bby' on the side..its a 'joke' lol ---->

testimony timeeeeee :)

so .
i have been looking for a job for months . online applications, going to old town, going to the mall . blah blah blah . banana republic, juicy, random stores that i never even heard of before . never printed out so many resume's in my life .

then this week while i was travelin to UCLA and over there on la cienega to my cousin's... i went broke . no money, no gas, nada .

then, i go to church today . i walk out of the room and i run to see a friend of mine...kelinda .
now, kelinda is a saint on earth . seriously, its not like me to say something like that because im a very skeptical person . but seriously, God works through her and speaks to her . ill blog some more about her 'gift' some other time tho. but yeah, She takes me out to eat sometimes and we catch up, but i hadnt spoken with her for about 3 months . anywho...

i say "kelinda!" and she says "hey! you look gorgeous...(blah blah lol) ... Oh by the way, God spoke to me and told me that you need a job & that you're going to work for me this summer . so, come in on Monday to j.jill and you can start on tuesday."

i almost cried . God is too Good .

light bulb /

the air must be thin up there .
your mind must be sophicating .
i mean, you seem to think so highly of your self .
so high, in fact that your feet never seem to touch the ground .
yeah, thats why they call it grounded .

who do you think you are ?
being known as a 'jerk' was poppin ... in high school . but then again, so was roca wear . with time, people are expected (and rightfully so) to grow and mature .
no ones asking you to go buy your old spice and go to bingo nights .
it's just asked of you to throw away this facade, to put your "cool" in your pocket for a while . give it some time to rest .

the sexiest, most honorable traits of a man are honesty, integrity, confidence and humility .

i have to admit, im learning that for myself now . i always seemed to go for the guy who had something to prove. who had to put a guard up. who had too many excuses to count . but instead, im going for the guy who lets his existence speak for itself ; who is willing to invest his energy in me because he can see something there . hmm .


one of my favorite rhymes . please know ...

"so im watchin her fine ass
walk to my bedroom and thought to myself: thats the shape of things to "come" .
she said, "why in the club, you dont make it precipitate? you know make it rain when u can make it thunderstorm?"
im like why? the world needs sun. the hood needs fun.
and theres a war goin on and half the battle is guns
how dare i throw it on the floor, when people are poor...
so i write like edgar allen to restore ...."

who said it ?


woooo-saaaah .

i dont know how the smallest things can piss my day to hell .

like comming outside to find that some birds (or perhaps 40-year-old men) took a shxt on my newly washed car .

or trying to print out my resume to find that i have nomore ink .

or my hair appointment getting pushed back when i had plans in my day . (and changed because she doesnt have enough time to do everything i want with my hair...wtf )

wooo -sahhh .

but, somethings make the day better:

like, eating ben&jerrys strawberry cheesecake icecream & watching the game :)

or dancing with my brother to 808s and heartbreak (heel toe, wobblin, robot, c-walkin...the whole nine) =D

...i guess it's just not the end of the world i presume ;

drake- take you down remix .

the only reason why i posted this is cause he says, "bust it wide open & i tell em bring it back"..haha . atl memories =)

danielle .

"the pink one is probably cuter," Danielle said as she held up two blouses in my direction. One was magenta, cut off at the tummy while the other was a blue, sparkly one with a Roca Wear logo . I would've killed for either, "Yea, the pink one is the bomb."

Danielle was my Grandmother's foster-daughter. she was gorgeous with her long sandy hair and deep dimples. her parents were black and mexican or something . Her mother used to abuse her kids because they reminded her of their dad. Anyways, She had so many guys calling the house. She was four years older than me and a junior in high school. I thought, "When i get sixteen, im going to be just like her... just like her." I remember sitting on the porch and seeing these random cars pull up to the house (nice, always) . Danielle would run up to it with hopes that my nana wouldnt see . I was the lookout ; i should have been looking out for her instead .

Danielle had a baby two years later by some sexy asian/black guy i guess . he loves the baby . & he has a new girlfriend. Danielle got sucked into the quicksand of drugs. she lost custody of her baby . she was homeless . warrant for arrest , DUI . her hair is stringy and thin...perhaps from the stress. she lost so much weight...maybe from the drugs. my heart cant process who she is today, but my mind saw it comming a long time ago. time creates change ;


the hype .

take it how you want it . trey looks impeccable . his momma diddddd that . lol

humble thyself .

there has to be more to life than tattoos, weed, babies, & g-shocks . right ?
my eyes are glued shut and i can only see the inside of my eyelids .
but who tattoo'd the inside with my next urban outfitters purchase ?
who hung those posters of marc jacob handbags in my mind ?
the hype .
its real and breathes and never sleeps .
it has taught us to embrace these obsessions rather than keep them in moderation .

let's see: "obsession (n): Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety. "

we spiritually deal with fits in the night to have the hype . to be the new "it" . we mentally scratch our veins at the thought of being that girl in the music videos with the hair, dress, & celebrity .
as 'middle school' as it sounds, it applies at every level . we repress our conscious recognition of it . like we're too old to believe what we see on TV . on the contrary, the older we get...the more susceptible we become to these unrealistic extremes of what's important in life .

all i want for myself is to invest as much time into my soul & mind as i do my image & social life . what you feed your soul is what it will produce . what lame ass nigguh really wants to have a soul devoured by things that are out of style by the fall ? hmm .


mister r.les

in case you didnt know, ryan leslie is a musical genious . for the past year or so, ive been watching closely before i could make such a statement lol . but honestly, the man is brilliant ...like, this foo went to harvard at age sixteen or sumthin . seriously. anywho, i love his mind . please check out his studio work .

sry, this slipped out .

im not that deep .


maybe im so simplistic that i am deep ?

wait, what's "deep" anyway ?

shxt...confused myself . lmao

in my ear . so i post ;


if loving you is wrong ...

man . my family . cant live without them .

*taught my auntie how to stanky leg today . she's 49 & has a black planet account . =[

*my nana showed meeeee how to jerk ! with a red bandana on her head like a straight thug . (well, it was the 1950's jerk and it reminded me of the blood walk lowkey...bandana part= true)

*found out that my nana & papa's 50th anniversary is in june . <--- thats pretty dope .

*ate my life away ... ribs, chicken, mac&cheese, greens, potato salad, and cake . check me out !!

*got some bootlegs off of my cousin .

*my auntie donated some sus weave hair to me ? =/

*fam filled up my gas tank .

*my uncle wayne insinuated that my nana was a stripper ...

uncle wayne: you ever heard of magic city ?
me: yeahh ...
uncle wayne: it used to be called "Mildred city"... her pole went down in the hall of fame !
me: lmaooo
nana: boy ! you goin to hell with all that lyin ....

* & uncle kelvin washed the car ... shiny . yummmm ;

i love them .

a text message from God...

so, i receive this mass text message from my homeboy that says, "tell your mother i said happy mothers day..." . i kinda frowned .
then, my homegirl reads my blog & tells me to recap the times to her .
well, ive never been scared nor embarrassed to express myself ... ive always been taught (by my mom btw) to say what i feel needs to be said . she told me i was entitled to my expression .

so, with that being said ... here's some recaps for no one else but you mom :)

time has passed . about a good two and a half years . i want you to know im fine . i got into spelman & my dress for prom was baddddddd lol . if you were there, you probably could have convinced dad to let my cut in the front go a bit lower ;) . i took light bright danny . remember he used to play for the panthers? you always called him the 'light bright boy'. lol . oh, spelman's cool. i like it a lot , UCLA screwed me over and dr.howard was upset but God sent me away for a reason . LMU offered more money though =/ . but you knew what Spelman meant to me . thanks for always tellin me not to feed into drama ...it paid off by the way .

the fam has gone crazy ! aaha . naw but umm, UNCLE WAYNE is getting married . you told me that it would neverrrr happen, and look up in the sky ...grab that bacon lol . she's nice ...you would tell our aunties to stop givin her such a hard time tho lol . cousin terren passed . but he prolly sittin right next to you now . you know how strong our family is ... we push through the hardest times. it was hard though... you and terren were the joy of the family.

i miss the all-access passes to disneyland . we always said that your personality fit perfectly with your job. a wacky, cheerful, blissful job that allowed you to dress up like cartoon characters for halloween hahaa . the disney company still looks out for the fam . they ran the marathon in memory of you one year . they made buttons and sent like 50,000 to the house . all bad . oh! i got a tattoo . aha, i know right ....me? i know you wanted yours first, but...things happen mom .

i fell out of love...(you know what i mean) . i finally passed my driving test haha . i dont sing anymore . the last time was at your funeral . i was on the homecomming court . president of BSU. yearbook . a little mini-you haha . oh, nana is still actin like she's sick all the time lol . cece still cant dance . ooo & if you ever woulda heard this song called 'she got a DONK'...lol..im sure id be covering my eyes while you embarrassed me in the grocery store lmxo.

hey mom . you know how dad always got on my nerves? he still does ahah . naw, but now i see why you fell in love . when you got diagnosed, i saw the amazing man he was . he stood by your side relentlessly . you always said, "when i saw that man in the cafeteria, i KNEW i was gunna marry him"...and i always said you were a stalker lol . but i know why you trusted him with your heart. he balances so much and loves us so much . your 'pasadena man'. lol . he's amazing .

dallas is dallas . still mean & cynical . gotta love him . but watch over him some more...more than me. he needs it :)

all my love, stevi renee .


stephanie renee darden

the epitome of a mother . my bestfriend . the strongest, most courageous woman i ever knew . september of 2006 was the hardest month of my life . but when you left, you gave me your hips, & smile, but most importantly ... your strength .

ill never truly be able to express how i feel about my mom in words . words are my paint . but when it comes to this woman, the canvas is better blank . i love you . i miss you more each day . happy mother's day .

soo-woop pasadena lol . may 9th .


1. spelman was straight gangster today tryna kick me out by 12 and shiznit . wtf haha .

2. therefore, i was at the airport FOUR hours earlier than my flight departure .

3. this old white man tried to mean mugg me at the terminal . so i went up to his ear and told him where i was from ... lmao . um, i kidd . i just gave him a sour look back =X

4. denver is wack as shxt . just by the way lol .

5. went to Tops and got chili cheese fries and a cheese burger . on bloods . ha , amazingggg .

6. got at big steve foul cause that foo left the top down on white chocolate all day ! what part of the game is that ?? (once again im lying, i couldnt get at frank lucas like that lol)

7. had a slow motion, color purple reunion moment with my brother when he came home !! =D

8. imma find out right now . lol

* in an annoyingly good mood by the way .


my ring finger .

my inhabitions. my expectations of the future. my self respect. my soul . they're all knotted together to hide inside of my body . so sacred it is . like a tatted cocoon with gold earrings holding the most beautiful gift of all . basically, what lies inside comes with its own soundtrack . violins, 808's, and steinway pianos will combine to create a sound never heard before . my cocoon will shoot out blue & violet fireworks and smell like christmas morning of 1996 .

thats why i wait . ive been blessed to smell my inner christmas mornings for eighteen years . i get to dance within myself , knowing what that special someone has in store for them . that's what makes me glow . waiting is okay by me . telling a guy that im celebate always tickles . when they leave for the door, my heart smiles knowing that i dodged another bullet . im worth more than a gun shot wound . God hugs my clear head and pulls my hand away from the nonsense of what 'the world' says is okay .
instead, i meet with God and we come to a consensus . im no where near the land they call 'perfection' and sometimes i decide to make thin choices because i can take the lashings of the consequences . however, my body is worth gold .... something i cannot allow myself to gamble with ...

everyone is entitled to their own way of life, entitled to their own choices . as am i. i chose . i still choose . and it was the best choice of my life . therefore, my cocoon smiles .


OR ...

or my other sense of humor ... lmao .

seinfeld with a vagina .

as i was riding in the car on the way back from hooters with the girls... i had an epiphany .

im seinfeld with a vagina . if youve never seen an episode of seinfeld that i cant help you understand too much more than my explanation . but anywhoooo, seinfeld is known for taking the simplest things in the world & placing them under a magnifying glass lol . or attracting the weirdest, randomest, craziest moments . i get it all . i see it all . i notice it all. i analyze it... all . aha

if there is anyone who analyzes like me...it would be ellen degeneres , lmxo . i used to watch this stand up back to back on HBO . jokessss :


halle berry ? no. ellen degeneres ! lol

but why is ellen halarious ? lmxo .


im not the biggest ash roth fan, but i definitely give him his kudos on his approach to music . i like where his mind is and i can commend him for that :) check him out .

random thought . but whats new ?

my homegirls told me that i need to "be on it" more when it comes to him .
they said , "you need to hop on that ! he's cute . and super chill " .

but am i not ?

psh, he could hop on it . not too much to ask ;

my pride . <3


exit stage left .

i could say some longggg goodbye speech about the friends i made and the experiences i had in atlanta , but i dont wanna . lol . i'll be back in august & they commin to visit over the summer . hell, me and fatty gunna do damage in california anyways lol . ill say this : i had a bomb time in my first year of college . i met some amazing people . now , off to my home sweet home on saturday, chow about that !


um ... john lennon ... go to hell ? thanks .

i waited long and hard for some 'enlightened' message in the song . but nope, just irritated. did this hick really exploit racism to make a womens right song? wtf :

^ this all started because of _ niggabook.com _ please check it out and see what you get . so, who do i need to complain to ? lol

lick your wounds .

im a japanese sword that penetrates and twists organs .
i cut you last time, leaving your heart wounded on the floor .
i ran to your side & sobbed with all of my explanations of a 'bitch' who was sorry .
my excuses were those of a half-assed, "i told you so"s .
i told you that i was new at this "balancing of swords".
i told you that i cut someone before .
i warned ;

you thought you were invinsible . but nonetheless, i still twirled myself in your direction & sliced & diced . cuts on your eyes when you kept staring . gashes in arms that squeezed too tight for such heavy hardware. my blades ran across your mind when you racked it over and over and under and over and over .

i used to be dull, pretty with gold lining around my handles. a showcase piece at best . but life sharpened my edges and made me hard to handle . itll take a Samurai to truly know how to hold . how to caress . how to appreciate . i mean, somewhere in my edges is a gracefulness of honorable mention . when used properly, im fun, im beautiful, an interesting commodity. it just takes a man to understand. you were the child in a candy store , but the last thing i am is a simple sweet .

songs in my ear: "marathon" by raheem devaughn . "empty" by raheem devaughn . "beatutiful world" by robin thicke . "color me bad" by wayne . "appletree" by erykah b. "thinking of you" by wayne

100 japenese men .

ha, i guess this is one of those chinese prank tv shows . chuckle chuckle ;

HB to my brother panda .

ceiren munoz . this dude . where could i even begin . you been my bro-in-law since i was seven haha . then you took a step up & became my bro . then my bro in law again . =X lol . (insider) .

but regardless, you always look out for me & it's crazy how we can go forever without talkin then be on the same stuff when i get back . from eggin people, chillin at the house while joy screamed, "turn off the air ! you dont pay that bill !", or posted on the mendoblock haha . youre my bro always . ily lil mexicasian & be good !

oh ! & im mad i missed your sus beverly hills hotel shindig . lol :)

it all started with a blog .

ayo aka dread .

check him out , nice rhymes :



where is the love ?

i have been trying to figure out how to address this for a couple of days now .
i been emo ever since i heard the news man . so sick . so sick .

but after i broke into the cafeteria about 30 minutes ago to get some food , i thought to myself ... "this is some cool bonnie & clyde type stuff...some nas & kelis type stuff" ... then i came to my sad realization .

if you know me, you know how big of a nas & kelis fan i was (as a combo...not 'each sold separately') . i used to have hope in an innovative, bada**, black couple in today's time . Nas said that when he saw her at that award show, he knew he was gunna wife her . they bought a house in the boonies of georgia just because kelis was loud while they were "doing the do" ... [dont shoot the messenger lol .] & it was all good because they were married, in love, and hollywood trendsetters .

but now these fools wanna get a divorce ? 'irreconcilable differences' ? wuhh ? and your baby is due in july ? wuhh ?

as iman would say: "what part of the game is thaaaaaaaaaaaaaat ?"

"so , do you like... dance around in a car outfit ?"

so, i thought a "highlander" was a car or somethin lmxo . but it turns out that its actually some type of bear & the mascot of UC Riverside !

...come to find out , my main apple scrapple Iman is the mascot for UCR ! poppppppin lol . you know i through a couple of shots at her about it ahah . but , of courseeee iman brought her dorsey high/ pasadena high to the job haha .
some footage :

dancing ribbons .

sometimes when i stare at my tattoo , i wonder what i truly did to myself .
but then it hits me .

everytime my pupils gaze over my wrist, my mind is rushed to the hospital room .
my mind is rushed to radiation treatment rooms .
my mind is rushed to memories & thoughts .
my mind is rushed to that wednesday of 06 . the septembers of all septembers .

my mother always told me, "dont lose who you are" .
for years, i tried to remain exactly the same . but as my prom came and went . my boyfriend came and went . my brother got taller . my realities got bigger . as the seasons changed . . . so did i . change is inevitable . but my tattoo is permanent . my soul is permanent . the fundamentals are instilled . 'who i am' is planted & can never be lost .

my wrists are the same things that are raised with my fists .
my wrists, the skin that is inked with the constant reminder of embracing each day .
as i write my papers, im reminded .
when i get dressed, im reminded .
when i raise my hand in class, im reminded .

but more importantly, when i live ... people are enlightened . moving through my everyday, one more person gets to know that breast cancer is real . that early detection is real. that courage is real . if you pick nothing up from me, take my wrists as a parting gift .


im supposed to have a title here but nothing seems to be applicable to this thought . (besides this long title that im writing now) ;

sometimes, i think my weirdness is too much for people to handle .

... but hey, i guess someone will understand . right ?

ill give you this .

you kissed my soul in depth . with tounge .
not physically brushing your typical arround my array .
but rather,
kissing my soul with a good time .
psychological hickeys full of smitten, bitten laughter .

its more mystical to connect personally than to ever bond in the body .
to find a match in someone's mind . someone's soul . something untangible . that's insane .

ill give you that .