Dear young black female,
Since birth, you drew the short end of the stick ; not because you have a vagina and not because you are Black ... but because society is not crafted for your species . you're a curvy, spunky, feisty fish out of water and other demographics do not know how to perceive you . let me rephrase, a lot of your counterparts - Black men- do not understand your worth . I could launch the blame on them like a grenade, but that would be unfair . I need you to be accountable for this deteriorated identity of Black womanhood .
We were once the Queens of Sheba . We were the ones in Africa with numerous husbands (mm hmm), we were adored, inspirational and a power presence in our communities . Even during slavery -a time when our ancestors were raped and dehumanized- African American women kept as much dignity and strength as they could . We even stood by our men when their masculinity was ripped from them every time they could not fend for their families & humanity. We were solid support systems and brilliant women! we knew how to both lead & follow ...
Now we're "Welfare Queens" as Reagan's moronic mind so eloquently put it . Women, we are more than hips, breast, thighs & vaginae... i promise . True, our bodies are awesome & we know how to use them like we're working heavy machinery lol . However, we have so much going on for ourselves . If we only use our temple for sex, men will never associate anything else with us . we hump like rabbits and then wonder why we have all of these little whore gobblins and ratchet boys running around like they have no home training [seriously] . women arent watching their 200 kids and then they(children) get their knowledge from lil wayne songs & BET .
Now we (Black Women) compete with one another for men . we fight in the middle of the street, cut each other with words, and use our bodies as bait to reel men into our lives . See, men are not fish . Once you use bait and hook a fish, the task is complete ... you go home lol . You can hook a man, but he is not forced to stay once he takes the bait . You're left feeling used and hopeless . All you can do is run your own race and have some self-respect . Find comfort and peace in the fact that no one can ever be you . Dig deep to find security in your beauty ladies .
All of my Love,
i look at my life like a huge jawbreaker ;i suck at it.
so i sucked at life,
i licked through the many layers trying to get to the core -pushing and weaving through. i licked through the 'trying to fit in' stage when i felt like an outsider and social deportee . contrary to popular misunderstanding, America's broken-record routine is to find the newest alternative lifestyle . the new trend is to flee as far as possible from tradition & 'boxes' . i found at a young age that morale, faith & self-actualization are 'boxes' that i wouldn't mind sitting in . SILLY me .
i licked through the layer of superficiality. they say money doesn't buy happiness, they lied . that's why people are so confused . they buy a Ferrari and feel this sensation in their bellies . they swipe their credit card to buy that watch and tingle inside . see, money can buy happiness ... but it can't buy Joy . they are two different things . happiness is a quick high that leaves you smiling until you're ... not. Joy is the emotional, physical, and psychological land of milk & honey . it's a peaceful state of calm & contentment ... money is simply theoretical paper.
ahh, i licked through the false sense of affection . we go through life with family and parents that care, however in the back of our minds we wonder: "they (our family) love us because they have to . will there ever be anyone who loves me on purpose? (lol) will there be someone who sees something special in me ?" therefore, we search life for someone who cares ... and we run smack dab into infatuation . it feels cool when you're in high school and someone is obsessed with you (and vice-versa) lol . unfortunately, that dynamic is not about the two of you ...it's about the one of you . one person is obsessed about being adored, and the other one is doing the exact same thing . people are simply using & using without being accountable for the catastrophe that comes later .
finally, i reached the core . i don't mean to sound cliche, but there's a reason why love is so popular my friends lol . i need you to see love, not as a 90's R&B song, and not as a cheesy romance movie . those things are simply simulations of 'real love' ...those things are cheap, body spray scents, but hardly the real thing . Love is so selfless and unstable that it's rulebook only states, "one size fits all ." it's a scary thing, because it is so untamed & addictive, you become scared that you'll get lost somewhere between bliss & armageddon . But displaying love is all that matters, it is the only good, strong thing left in the world . IT IS OF GOD . Agape.
"Three things will last forever - faith, hope and love - and the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13
[annnnnnd CUT !]
'i'll get it right ...'
[annnnnnd ACTION !]
honey, lift your feet up and relax . you want a sandwich? a hot meal? let me whip that up & i can tuck you in bed tight . nightey-night . oh, you know you're my world right ? you're the sun that brightens my soul after darkness . i'm mesmerized by your star constellations that form in your iris, or maybe in your mouth ... full of hot air-gas : a huge black hole that vacuums the sincerity out of every -
"sorry about that ..."
[andddd ... ACTION !]
you're perfect . from your shoulders, wide as the country itself . your legs that stand as majestic as the mountains of Colorado . your hair that sways like the flowing waves of laguna . let me have your babies ? leave if you please, just please ! let me keep my ties and lasso myself around your heart . wherever you go, i'll follow . no matter what, what you do ... i'm here , to take the lashes of love . i love your masculinity ... like a bull in a china shop . yeeea this is some bull[beeeeep] ...
[CUT !! CUT ! CUT !]
"tell em what they wanna hear? sorry, can't do it ."
[THAT'S A WRAP !]
-- dating is a lot of taking and giving . you give lies, you get it back . you feed em bullshxt, you'll get it back in another way . if you start dating someone with a foundation of deceit, lies, confusion and manipulation ... that is the only thing that can grow from the relationship . unctuousness and 'game' only works ...until it doesn't lol . dating isn't a script, it's supposed to be genuine . be careful fellas & females , muah !
they say, 'keep your friends close . . . keep your enemies closer '?
i think whoever said that implied that our friends just might be our enemies .
you see, everyone is fake to a certain extent . we pretend to be someone else in public . we are concerned about our gossip ...but IN DENIAL that it might actually be true . we say things we don't mean . sometimes we even come into situations, experiences, places, and relationships with ulterior motives . to be clear, people are not always looking out for you like they claim . you can't trust people :
* you know those people who hit you up on facebook all the time ...not because they want to know you, but they want to meet your friends ? they USE you for your connects, a date, parties, etc ?
* you know the 'friend' who comes shopping with you ? you hold up two shoes and they always seems to pick the one that make you feel awkward ? now, your friend may simply have a different style taste . BUT, when you see them a week later in the shoes you put down ? ... no bueno .
* you know the friend who likes to throw salt on you coincidentally when you're surrounded by the opposite sex ? hmmmm .
i'm just saying that people don't 'keep it as real' as much as they claim to . people who want you to choose sides in their arguments, when in all actuality ...they are just as capable of being triflin' as they accuse others to be . hell, i have some fake people around me as well . they think no one notices their dirt, but it's all been laid out to me. the things i know about some of my fake 'friends' could curdle milk, but i remain quiet . girls who cant stand me, but want to be in pictures with me ? guys who 'want a friendship', but really want my legs spread like butter . girls who pass judgement on me for who i am ? guys who are scared to 'seem' like douche bags, so they straight up LIE about who they are . i know more than they think i do ... sometimes, it's just best to shake your head & undermine them with a smile . i wonder if it's best to keep those people close ? sure, you're close enough to see their dagger ... but you're also close enough to get stabbed ...
i often wondered if Jesus was the ultimate forgiver, or the ultimate pushover .
i sat in my room strumming my fingers against the many fine lines of the two possibilities
... creating acoustic sounds .
each time i struck the strings with my strumming, a cord of guilt would beam through my soul .
'who am i to ask that question?' i thought .
then i ran to go pee .
it may sound irrelevant, but it's not . you see, my heart had been so heavy lately, that it sunk from my chest and tumbled on top of my bladder . all i could do was pee .
"when is enough, enough ?" i asked . then the question morphed into a whale , a massive something that sprouted all of my answers and peace from its blowhole . forgiveness is not the act of being a door mat . forgiveness is letting go of animosity . digging through the mud to find the sparkling peace in a situation . taking your time . at it's peak, forgiveness is learning to love someone, but also learning how to put your integrity on the forefront .
Jesus was not a pushover . he loved, but never let it COMPROMISE what he believed in . he never let a situation bend his character like foil . about two weeks ago, i stopped the strumming of my questionnaire guitar & thanked God for his forgiveness . . .
So ... im at the poetry lounge lastnight, right (i mean, whats new? lol) ? (btw, check it out every tuesday night on fairfax & melrose, its cool) they had one of their poetry slams and it was 'coo' . i was impressed, but i was waiting to be moved . i was waiting for something to spark lightbulbs in my heart . you see, some poems remind you of experiences . some poems just make you wanna say, 'i feeeel you' . oh but once and a while, you come across poems that make you see things in a NEW WAY . So, Youssef gets on stage and puts everything in perspective for me ... you'll get a post from me later ;)
ladies & gentlemen ... Youssef's "Traffic".
[p.s. sorry for the quality, its the only one i could find]
"i fill her up, balloons ." - ludacris
"im dunkin on em, lisa leslie ." - nicki minaj
"i keep her runnin' back and forth, soccer team ." - wayne
"and i gotter nigga, grocery bag ." - gudda, gudda
"bout to set it off in this b*tch, jada pinkett ." - drake
"& you's a muthaf*ckin duck, daffy-dill ." - gudda [notice, he sucks lol]
you get the picture ? or should i continue ?
"i gotta eat like a runaway...
ya'll n*ggas aint eatin, stomach ache ." - wayne
[that was the last one cause it was coo ... lol] .
although young money is guilty of exhausting this style of rap, they are NOT the only ones . it used to be semi-clever until i hear every emcee on a song handing out commas like they're candy . we get it, you can make an analogy by adding one word to the end of your sentence ... cool . in all honesty, it's getting a bit lazy ? saying a name at the end of a line is coo ...but not as creative as it could be . saying random words that make no sense is an insult to the rap game [cough, cough ...GUDDA, GUDDA] . don't get me wrong, some of these emcees are still awesome, but i just think it's getting ridiculous . what ever happened to smart hip-hop ? what ever happened to the metaphors used like lupe's 'gotta eat' and common's "i used to love her", kanye west's 'homecoming' ?
speaking of kanye ... lol ... he's one of the pioneers of this 'wait rhyming' . in "the good life" with kanye featuring t-pain (IN FRICKIN' 2007), yeezie started all of this ... hell, as far as i can remember ... when he gave us the infamous 'lawry's" line . that's why this dude is my favorite rapper . oh, you don't remember ? watch:
Dear Pasadena,are you serious ? you cant be , you're a joke .Sincerely Yours,Stevi Renee .P.S. . .You're a pain in my side most days . Overflowing with drama, baby mamas, 'blood this, blood that', drama, smokin', drama, glamour-wannabees, and i hope i didn't forget to mention drama ? To put it simply, your cup run'eth over with insignificance . You're a trap . You're that girl who says she's on the pill and turns around a month later with a baby name book, grinning . You are a trap . Too small for us to grow, but just big enough to make us think we are . You're not quite South Central, but not lame enough to be Monrovia .You follow me around like that 'mother flow' lady in all the tampon commercials . You're a tick that sucks the humanity out of me . Your air is filled with fist fights, club nights, gossip, and whoregobblin-minions ... i hold my breath, trying not to let it in . but what's the alternative ? suffocation ? That's why i never see you anymore . That's why i can't stand to be around you . Consider this my dear john letter ...dear jack, daniel, bob, billy or whatever you call yourself these days (cause you know you fake) . I think we should see other people .
he walked towards me , mentally . he spoke to me , spiritually . the frame of his body ... framed my life . i shouldn't have admired the picture so arrogantly ; like this masterpiece was of my brilliance . i stroked his face, his arms, his chest, this wooden frame so vigorously that i pulled back splintered hands .
splintered hands, splintered hands .
but i picked my fingers piece by piece until i built a bridge over nonsense . ill crawl across if need be to reach your sweet, honey bliss . your new & fresh hugs that will squeeze strength into my veins and shrink life's burdens like a 'drink me' bottle . I'll wonder about you until i wander over the bridge . your sprinkled crumbs of honesty, vulnerability, and dependability fill me up like a nourishment prayer . baby i've had a bite, i want the cake . you're something new, but i want the taste .
splintered hands, splintered hands .
sometimes i'm nostalgic . sometimes i think a ziplock bag worth of circumstance can change a garbage bag of bullshit . never fear flame , im too bored of that russian roulette ferris wheel . im crawling on the bridge ... away from crushed arteries & into your ER . forget that, have faith in your wisdom & boxing gloves . keep fighting, relentlessly ... im a feminist, but im bashfully your cheerleader . your fight for me ... through it all ...shall shake the contenders... like vibrato . the battles almost over .
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou
a foreword : i do not mean to offend anyone . in the same breath, i DO NOT care who i offend with this post . i am simply observing & writing . feel free to disagree or agree, but either way ...it's gettin' posted lol .
INSECURE (adj): Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety .
insecurity is an ugly word that no one wants to admit to themselves . unfortunately, this word is primarily associated with women . women are the ones who cry at night about the weight they have gained . women are the ones who say twisted things like, "what does she have that i don't have?!" however, if you think those are the only things that constitute insecurity, you are devastatingly mistaken my friend .
men's insecurity is also revolting . men who verbally abuse their women to make themselves feel superior. men who cheat because they're scared of getting cheated on . men who brag about their sexual activity to their friends . even worse, the men who LIE to their friends about the sex they get . (BTW, just because you get a lot of sex ... that does NOT mean that you were good . i have heard many of women laugh about guys and their lack of skill and/or equipment, eek) . nevertheless. there are two subtle, but VITAL types of insecurities that people have ...in both genders :
$$ : before our race, our school, our frats/sororities, and our popularity ... we are a soul . that's the rawest thing that we have about ourselves . . our soul is the thing that we are born with, but also the most easily-influenced thing . many people are so unsatisfied with their true personality .. therefore, they paper mache it with money . layer after layer, they lay label after label until they don't have to face who they are . don't get me wrong, fashion is cool & nothings wrong with wanting to look good . however, everyone knows "that someone" who has nothing better to talk about but their clothes & shoes & money they made , smh .
♥ ♥ ♥ : relationships are meant to be used for an exclusive bond, not as validation . there are so many men and women who NEED to be in relationships to make them feel worthwhile . they need to prove to the world (or perhaps just themselves) that they are wanted and needed by someone else . you know the type: they constantly slip from one relationship into another, into the next ...sometimes the relationships even overlap lmbo . & these relationships dont mean shxt , they're just place fillers . they cant face being alone because that would force them to face a mirror , to depend on no one but themselves . fact: the ultimate validation is God .
we all have insecurities ... BUT don't let them drive your life into ground . watch yourself .
i am hot sauce on a toddler's tongue .
i am hips, thighs, a smile, and eyes
w i d e
and stretched with the wisdom of grey-haired ancestors .
the 'experience of me'
is not for
the hazy of heart .
after years of feeling my inner walls,
i have found the light switch .
you still soul search .
i am an alto note
in a stack of sopranos .
grounded like gravel
for granted .
yet & still, I'm shining .
yet & still, I'll shine .
There, they sat on a bench with their pelvises faced toward one another . Her tonsils were throbbing from all of the conversation and her hands were exhausted from forming pictures in the air. Yes, with her fingers she painted scenes of her life in the future, traveling . With her hands she molded the faces of her children in the years to come . With her hands, she sketched her passions and fears into the air before his face . He listened and looked intently with soothed, understanding eyes .
When the motor of her mouth came to a sudden halt, he smiled in silence . He tilted his head in curiosity and remained quiet for another moment .
"What does your tattoo mean ?" he asked gently . . . as if trying to pry open the safe to her soul ...but soft enough not to set off the alarm .
"A ribbon for my mom ... she passed from Breast Cancer," she said with a stale tone . she wished she could have grabbed the words from the air and pumped them up . she felt a curious guilt for such a flat explanation .
he looked away and she turned her head to look for a cure ... a cure for the disease of discomfort .
"My mom did too," he said , focusing intensely on the wall ahead of him .
...they talked until the sun woke up the mockingbirds .
"I hated to think of him smiling unless he was smiling at me. His grins were too precious to be wasted on ordinary mortals, especially women ."
Love is a simplistic something that S T R O K E S your inhibitions until they purr in solitude . She is the mother that births comfort-covered smiles . she is a farmer, raking the soil of our soul and pushing down seeds of ecstasy. love massages our shoulders until the knots of worry disintegrate into thin air . speaking of thin, love is not . Love is thick like wet, Georgia air in the midmost of May . it is Martin .
"Really, i never had occasion to doubt his sincerity, but i used to drag my heart over hot coals by supposing. I did not know i could suffer so ."
Love is a complicated something that let's you walk on solid ground and then pulls you by the ankles when you least expect it . She is R U T H L E S S, love that is . She is a racially ambiguous nymph that lures you in with sweet songs of bliss and passion ... then snaps your body into two . Love is a bear trap that you see and frolic in anyway . Love is ... pain painted in mascara . it is Malcolm .
"We were still in the toils and after all my agony, I found out that he was a sucker for me, and he found out that i was in his bag ."
Love is esteemed in the bible for a reason . Love is to mankind what a vibrant, plump balloon is to a toddler ... so precious, so majestic and yet so fragile . It is a thumbprint, specific for each heart and never duplicated twice . It is rain to the drought-stricken, but capable of flood . It is vitamin A, C, and ME to the mal-nourished and sick ... although some are allergic . Like black waves, it is beautiful in its prime but dangerous in it's possibility ... proceed with caution . Love is ultimately of God .
He said, "am i gonna talk to you tonight?"
and i paused before i answered .
he didn't seem to notice .
but why should he ?
a pause is just a pause . a small little breath taken in to find some words . right ? wrong .
a pause is more than a coincidence of sentence . a pause is a huge thing filled and overflowing with implications, possibilities, and things unsaid .
a pause can be the time needed to respond with a witty reply .
a pause can be the time to make up a lie . obligations, expectations, hopes and faith is poured on us like molten lava ... burning what we think we're capable of; we look in that moment of nothingness for an escape ... a key hole of possibility to avoid the situation .
a pause can be the leash we need to hold back wild tears .
a pause can the time allotted ...to gather the pieces of yourself... just enough of yourself to tell a hurtful confession of truth to a loved one .
a pause can be a thought: the fantasy of hands pressing against flesh in a warm mess of passion . pauses that are taken to give us enough time to smirk . lips that press firmly against one another so steamy words cannot leak out into the world .
a pause can hold the laughs that are SO INTENSE that no sound comes out for the first 3 seconds .
mmm yes . a pause can be a time to weigh options . sitting in your room listening to music and wondering where this can go . an imaginary moment that manipulates you into believing that you can actually control fate . a moment of fake control ... like you can actually predict what will happen if you say, "yes" or "uhm, naw im going to bed." a pause to think, 'whats the worse that can happen?'
. . . a pause that is bold enough to answer your question & change everything .
Well, as this semester comes to an end ...
i guess it's time to reflect on my Sophomore Year here at Spelman .
that's all .
lol , naw im playin . People say that Sophomore year is the hardest year of Spelman (although who ever said that was probably a Sophomore) . This year was challenging in so many ways and i actually don't have much to show for it . No awards, no trophies, no certificates, ... 2 scars on my elbows if that counts lol . Everything that i gained this year has been internal . I have met some people that truly pushed me to be a better me . Friends who told me when i was wrong, encouraged me to want better for myself, and entertained my long, dense thoughts at 2AM . Im finally confident in pursuing my career goals and im determined to get the most out of life .
Personally, i have learned about my weaknesses and flaws . I had to face them head on & address them this past school year . My past caught up to me in ways that i did not think possible, but i was able to find the good in the bad . I dealt with the weakening and strengthening of relationships around me . I met people who taught me to think differently about ... everything .I LOVED. I HATED. I found a nice little nook in between . Most importantly, i found that the one thing that was consistent throughout this year was GOD . With all of the Joy and pain, ups and downs, triumphs and failures, God remained firm by my side .
synopsis? we had bad times: low funds, dangerous situations, ridiculous professors, chi-burnt feet, tears, anxiety, weight gain [lol], sloppy moments and all of the above. we had good times: church, shopping, 10 pg paper all time record [pow! lol], homecoming 2009, roaming downtown ATL, hump wednesdays, 3am conversations, freestylin' at BY's, sitting in the lobby of the theaters, vibin; BTW, see 'kick ass' lol... anywho, it was all good .
yeaup, im a rising Junior :)