just reserve three minutes for the thought of me .
any minute L E S S would cause my memory injustice & enslave us in a steel-barred Guantanamo Bay . i'd simply be a pretty, pretentious SOUL staining your perception of me . throw out your heaviest net to catch the things that eagerly try to slip away . smoke and mirrors make it hard for you to see, but just reserve three minutes for the thought of me .
paint my eyes in your mind for just three minutes & i'll make it worth your while .
any minute more would increase it's value & be too expensive for you to invest in . i just want to pour my SMIRK into the nights you hold my hand ...balancing my life lines . i dressed my eyes up in bows, lace & diamonds to distract from the worry that sleeps behind my gaze - but your smile could wipe clean any defenses .
forget the drama . forget the inhibitions . forget our pasts :
just dwell on me for three minutes & make it last .
sidebar: life is too short to say & do what always makes sense . don't you agree ?
I brushed my dress nervously as she walked up to me , smiling . her hair was honey blond with curls that suspended above her shoulders . her grin extended from one ear to the other, but it looked kind of unfamiliar to me - like a childhood toy filled with blurry memories . nevertheless, i felt warmth inside and a brush of comfort came over me . she threw her hand out for a firm handshake and i laughed . i pushed her hand away and threw my arms around her in a hug that i assumed ... freaked her out . but she laughed too , thank God .
We met at her favorite restaurant- at the time - a little 'whole in the wall' place called 'Pie and Burger' . She'd eventually outgrow it when she starts paying her own bill and realizes how overpriced it is . For now, all my lunch guest could see was the quaint, humble mom&pop restaurant . Light from the sun peeped in through the windows and lit the room in all of the right places . wooden countertops stretched throughout the walls with red, shiny stools to accompany them . While i sat my purse down, she proceeded to shoot out her questions, "How's Spelman? Was it the right choice?" she tapped her un-manicured fingernails against the table and waited for my answer anxiously . "Go to Spelman," i said while overlooking my menu .
"What can i get you ladies?" said the waitress as she prepared her notepad and pencil . She looked up and froze while her eyes darted back and forth between me and my lunch guest . "May i have an order of fries, two cheeseburgers with no onions and two Sprites?" i said with ease . The waitress began to jot down my words slowly . i ordered for my guest and felt rude . i looked at her with uncertainty, but she laughed , "it's cool ." She eyed my wrist and fingers, grinning . "What did Dad say about that ?" i laughed and as i opened my mouth to answer, i noticed the waitress was still stuck in her comfortable, dumbfounded stance . "Thank you," i said to the woman as she smiled politely and walked away staring back at our table .
i turned back to my conversation . "He survived ," i said as i rubbed my tattoos nostalgically .
we waited a moment, staring at each other . Me, out of remembrance and peace . Her, out of curiosity and a bit of naivete . The waitress brought our our drinks ;
"So, you have a boyfriend?" i suggested as i calculated months in my head .
"Do I?" she asked slyly, smirking . i laughed, spitting my soda onto the red and white, checkered table cloth .
She laughed playfully, "We're broken up right now, but I'm still cool with him."
"Oh," i said plainly .
"Do you have a boyfriend?" she asked half-hearted. She knew i wouldn't answer that question.
i frowned, and as i opened my mouth, the waitress brought our food to the table . i threw a fry in my mouth and inhaled to cool it down .
My lunch guest stared hard into my eyes, " ... i know you don't wanna say too much, but please ... tell me something ." she looked defeated .
i waited and took a bite of my cheeseburger . i thought while i chewed,
"You're gunna be okay at the end of the day . I know there's only ... about ... a two year difference in age, but so much has happened in between . I don't know what's going to happen in my future, but i know that I'm covered . You're covered . I'm not going to tell you 'who to meet', 'who to avoid' or 'what street to stay away from' . That's a waste of time because those are all necessary experiences and i wouldn't take a centimeter of it back . But i will say this: Stay true to your integrity and never feel like less of a woman for standing up for what you believe in . Someone will truly appreciate that someday . Always feel comfort in the fact that God has you covered if you trust in him ."
She smiled, nodded and sipped her drink, "Well ... is Kanye still our favorite rapper ?"
i laughed, "here" i slid the tray toward her, "have a fry."
- if you could go back in time and have lunch with yourself , what would you say ?
my son . i want you to come into the world with big hands . i want you to enter the world with people in your palms . nothing will be too big for you to grasp because i love you . prejudice and apprehension will be mere roaches on the ground for you to step on towards success . your skin color is not a burden son, but instead a metal of honor & a medal of honor . . . please wear it as such . Embrace Black because it's more valuable than you think . i want you to crush the fear of failure with your thumb . with the other four fingers, i want you to help others when they have fallen . you can do this because i love you .
my son . i don't care what your passion is in life . you can be a movie director, a doctor, a photographer, a writer, a garbage man, electrician, advertiser, artist, politician, chef, teacher, cure cancer, legalize marijuana, or start your own clothing line . the only thing you cannot be is a fool . know that knowledge is the key to wisdom, and wisdom is the key to contentment . sigh . i WILL give your first three girlfriends a hard time ... because by the forth, there is a chance that you JUST might get it right . no one will be good enough for my little boy up front . i will embarrass you with some childhood nickname , but i hope it will humble you lol . i'll probably scream terribly loud at any of your sport events & make you blush when i send your dad to talk to you about sex [the ins & outs & in betweens] . i want you to take the world by storm ... because i love you .
you will treat women with respect . you will remember that every girl is some one's daughter . me and your dad will show you how to treat women because that is the backbone to a man's compassion, a man's heart . i'm sure you will go through your 'player stage' and stick your chest out when you get facial hair . ill laugh . oh, i want you to lose your sense of time . chivalry is the undying element of the earth and no 'trends' or 'fads' will stop you from being an individual . mamma didnt raise no follower ! you wont be here until many MANY years from now (lol) but ultimately, i'll make sure that your soul is tattooed with a sense . . . of h u m a n i t y for the world. you will take responsibility for your place in the world as a Black man because i love you . because i love you already .
you will probably hear me and your father arguing when youre an infant, but we love each other . dont worry, it's just that neither one of us want to wake up at 4am to change your diaper :)
you give me ...
a love that chips away at the hard soul surfaces and renovates the damage .
your UNDYING hope in me that paints the black roses in my heart, red .
someone with a green thumb ... willing to pull the weeds of my past & plant potential .
I'd throw my hopes into the air for the sky to catch in the crevices of clouds .
and if my heart should smash against Pasadena palm trees or pavement of Brooklyn brownstones, I'd survive because you're good like that . el corazón duele en las manos de abusadores, pero las manos están hechas de rayos dulces de sol .
in a world that spins on the axis of narcissism, you crumble the spindle until the rules change . crack . smash . decomposing until LOGIC is melted in a steaming pot of miracles . a love that sows together the wings of butterflies & lifts me beyond the heights of fabrication .
you are where i start & where i will end . you see the constellations in my eyes, the symphonies in my heart beat, and feel the breezes from my eye lashes . it feels good to be appreciated . you stitched my wounds, fed my soul and love . me . unconditionally . when i stumble on my stubborn, when i TASTE TEMPTATION, and linger in lies, you love me still . all i ever wanted was someone who would stick by me, fight for me, and ride or die until the end ; mission accomplished .
P.S. God, i fell in love with you all over again today .
but, this is where things get tricky . some people thrive from being 'brutally honest' without admitting that their intentions are all in disarray. if you notice, those people are more concerned about making people feel uncomfortable than bringing enlightenment to a situation . they want to be known as the person who "doesn't give a f*ck"- but that does not mean a person is REAL . the two are not synonymous . speaking, just to hear yourself speak makes you about as real as standing in a garage makes you a car .
As if it couldn't get more complicated, honesty is the most vital when it comes to ourselves. it is so hard for people to be honest with themselves about flaws, circumstances, truths, and accountability. I would never suggest that we scrutinize ourselves about our personal "truths", but i would definitely recommend coming to terms with those demons that haunt us. At times, God puts people or circumstances in our paths that cause us to put a mirror to ourselves. sometimes, we see things about ourselves that we like . We are more generous, loving, have more skills, funnier than we ever knew . Other times, we are let down by ourselves - we're enlightened to bad habits, some insecurities, emotional walls we have built, or cracks in our moral compass.
Nevertheless, being honest with others and ourselves is only a stepping stone to improving . How can you change something about yourself that you wont admit needs work ? NO one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes, and even when we try to do better, we may stumble . start there, and then "be real" with yourself .
1 Timothy 1:19 - "Cling to your faith in Christ, and keep your conscience clear. For some people have deliberately violated their consciences; as a result, their faith has been shipwrecked."
I'm just opening my vents & spilling out my thoughts tonight :
one of my bestfriends is in the hospital with sickle cell . this circumstance is simply not fair & i don't understand it; but at the same time her strength inspires me more than she knows . however- I'm thinking that she should know & i should tell her because she seems so defeated at times - maybe knowing that she's my cape-less hero will be some motivation to hold on to ? her adversity also puts the idea of perspective in a whole other realm to me . to see life from her eyes would be completely different from mine . they say that everyone knows how to handle grief except he who has one . interesting .
i talked to my friends today about relationships . they both said that when they look back on their relationships, they realized that they weren't "in love" like they originally thought . but i realized something . being in love means something different to everyone . people like to address love in cliches like, "you only have one true love" or "love is blind" ... because it's easy . those cliches attempt to simplify something that is too complex to abbreviate with catchy phrases . love is complicated, but it's hardly subtle . i guess being in love is BIG , so big that it cant be mistaken when it truly comes ? ionno . clearly, only time can reveal what was real . when my friends took time apart from their situations, they realized the difference between loving someone and being in love . if anyone has the answers to suffering & love ...please enlighten me lol .
BTW, watch "our family wedding" & "get him to the greek" ...two movies i saw today that are worth watching :]
just the fingerprints of lovers once had .
so don't worry your head, please remain calm ;
it's amusing actually ... my mere presence makes you mad .
i guess i haunt your cerebral wall
as thick and dense as willow trees .
i haven't said a word, but my shadow is tall -
blocking the truth beyond what you'll see .
you're so busy guarding your triflin' dog from me,
while your manging mutt is contracting flees .
i'd advise you to raise your self esteem
instead of investing your sights and concerns on `vi .
stop stalking my life , shades & a hood .
listen pumpkin, i don't want your man .
why would i want damaged goods ?
i do what i want ; you're simply doing what you can .
i bet he's telling you it's me . i don't put it past a lame;
but i sympathize - so gullible . you won't let him go astray .
but your focus is misguided and I'm not the one to blame
don't mind me none, I'm just the girl who got away ...
8.02.2010 - "success is the execution of the fundamentals ."
what fundamentals ? how can people be so sure that their fundamentals are correct ? make sure that your fundamentals are in line with your values .
08.03.2010 - "you can't put anything past anyone ."
dont be bitter about this fact . just remember that people are only flesh . don't always think someone is being 'fake' on purpose . some people have worn their masks for so long that they forgot they were on .
08.04.2010 - "it is a rare state-of-being to actually know what you want ."
08.05.2010 - "good can come from anything ."
at worst, perseverance, strength, & character can be pulled from a hard situation .
08.06.2010 - "it is literally you & God from this point on ... DO FOR YOURSELF NOW !"
08.07.2010 - "boys are distractions ."
there's a hole in everyone that is meant to be filled in by "the one" . the phrase "you complete me" is popular for a reason . nevertheless, boyfriends are like organs donors ... we insert what they are willing to give into our empty space & hope for the best ; either they help us or they're fatal . im not willing to deal with that bacterial infection right now ...
08.08.2010 - "meet people . it might come in handy ."
08.09.2010 - "never underestimate the love & companionship of family ."
08.10.2010 - "never be too anxious to jump into things ..."
people are really good at blowing smoke about what they have . NOTHING is ever exactly what is seems .
08.11.2010 - "keep your good friends ."
it's important not to have lazy friends ...cause when you're in a bind, they wont work to help you out . [if you dont understand now, one day you will]
08.12.2010 - "give a boy an inch, he'll take a mile ."
i heard a rumor about me ... an outlandish rumor lol . never let those things make you sweat , you dont have to answer to anyone but God .
08.13.2010 - "find someone who not only makes you laugh, but makes you happy ..."
08.14.2010 - "he may not answer when you call, but he's always on time !"
Question: Is heartbreak really that bad ?
Heart, we will forget him,
You and I, tonight!
You must forget the warmth he gave,
I will forget the light.
When you have done pray tell me,
Then I, my thoughts, will dim.
Haste! ‘lest while you’re lagging
I may remember him!
This is one of the hardest times of my life . not the absolute hardest (ive been through worse), but definitely one of the most challenging . this raw, vulnerable situation had me on the edge & frustrated beyond the capacity of my mind and spirit . i feel like im living in an outer body experience ... watching things blindside me & i cant hear myself -screaming at the top of my lungs .
But God is good . if i let life bully me around, what fun would that be ? something as trivial as money, haters, and doubt can not get in the way of the story i will tell . afterall, i am a story teller right ? this "raw" situation is being marinated by my hardships & experiences ... i know what the end result will be and that's all that matters . the lord brings something positive out of every situation (adversity, loss, relationships, & friendships).
I'm not going back this fall . finding out something like that (2 weeks before you planned to leave) can produce a volatile psyche . but i once heard someone say, "if you're going through hell ... keep going" . ill be back to my school in spring with a pocket FULL of cash and a story to tell ; you cant get rid of me that easily . it's crazy cause that sentence was addressed to life, not my school ...
Glory to God always ... who gives me the strength, confidence, & love enough to keep moving forward .
to whom much is given, much is expected .
can i beg & plead to differ ?
i don't expect much from you .
you were given those arms - boaconstrictors that suffocate any and all of my inhibitions .
that crisp smile, cutting through my constant attitude like a butcher knife ;
washboard abs so tight that im compelled to type corny phrases like, "washboard abs" .
but i can't expect much - a tongue as witty as a nick.jr television show . i hope you dont plan to arm wrestle your own mind ... the latter would suffer a pitiful loss: weak . shhh baby shhh , dont speak ... just wrap your arms around my waste and suffocate those inhibitions ...
hope for the best, but expect the worse ? lol .
every year i blow out an extra candle on my birthday cake . for every flame that's extinguished on the wax, another morsel of warmth in the world is pushed away as well . "either you die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become a villain ." the more breaths you take in life, the more you see the wrong in the world . it's scary how it can take something out of you .
society wonders how people can do things like gangbang, steal, lie, or backstab each other . if a person is born into an environment that is selfish, full of deceit, negativity, and violence ... morality can seem like a fairytale . my friend asked me, "in school... how come its so easy to go from an A to a F, but so hard to go from an F to an A ?" the same thing applies to CHARACTER . some people are born in an "F" situation and its so hard to believe in things in the world that are genuine & real . others are born in an "A" upbringing, but encounter so many baleful people ... that they lose faith in the act of H U M A N I T Y .
im no idiot ... this summer, i have met & made some real friends . some others are called "friends" as a mere casualty . smiling in my face, but sneaking behind my back ... yet & still, i know everything smh . & that kind of stuff can grow a fungus of distrust in hearts . my friends getting their hearts broken, people using you, people starving, folks being killed, financial woes, corrupt governments, illness, and messed up circumstances . i just refuse to let the hardships of life to make me into a hard person . if 98 out of 100 people in the world fell into corruption, i would want person #99 to have some faith in me ...
PART IIthis is a poem for the wandering, drowning souls .tip-toeing through puddles of circumstance and sinking in unexpectedly .this is a poem filled and overflowing with hope .hope: something that slaps you across the face & then kisses the bruises -a poem stuffed with outreached hands, strong hugs, and kisses to the forehead .this is a poem that loves the idea of faith - something so intangible & yet so valuable .this poem is loud & sheds tears of champagne ... celebrating another breath .a POEM that doesn't have the funds for next semester ... so it might stay home .this poem cries at the thought - OVER&OVER&OVER;a black & dark poem .a schizophrenic poem .this is a poem painted red with passion . - spray painted with gold sparkles ;this poem is a sugary sweet, 3 page text in the middle of the night .this is a lullaby poem ... a transition into calm - in the midst of chaos .
we wake up in the morning & kiss the sun hello ;
we brush our teeth, wash our faces & strap on our mountains .
yes, on our shoulders we carry hills and mounds of pressure .
heavy, hefty heaves & sighs that linger in the footsteps we leave behind .
we carry our worries in water jugs full of dimes, coins & unpaid utility bills .
we stack piles of past pain & shame - shuffling our feet forward .
but once and a while ...
we tip over,
the pounds of expectations, humiliation & devastation make us fall .
shadows of insecurities shake us over until we smash into the pavement .
so tired of "staying strong"
so exhausted of holding on to cold, steel hope .
tired of believing that happy endings reciprocate "good behavior"
yes, sometimes we tip over .
we all fall short . but if we're gunna fall, we might as well tumble and roll toward the direction of persistence .
“Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.”
When people come up to me and say, "hey, how you doin'?" ...i usually wonder if they care to know . i wonder how much of that statement is reflex and how much is a genuine concern about my well being ?
Saturday was one of the suckiest days this summer . left & right things were falling apart . my mind was racing so fast and i felt like i had so much to do at the same time . i had phone calls to make, people to comfort, money to find & moral accountability to tend to . initially, it seemed like we had too much on our plate ... but nevertheless, we knew that things needed to be done .
I have always had pretty terrific, loyal, & trustworthy friends . with an exception of a few bad eggs, God has filled my basket with vibrant, beautiful people that genuinely want to know how i am doing . even more important, i have friends that will work their hardest to make sure im happy . this is my space to be thankful for everything the Lord has given me .this is my space to lift my head to the sky & cry . my thank you space . THANK YOU LORD ;