[no title is worthy]

Dear 2015 Stevi Renee ,

take heed . remember the beach breezes . remember the headaches . remember the lucky boys run . remember the whiplash of highs&lows . remember the weight of arms , fingers, stares , and depth of breathes . i tucked the tender, time lapses in your black, strapless bra to remind you of things . remember the insomnia . internalize the car naps before they fade . take in the times you pulled the phone back from your ear to breathe . i tattooed the cuddles on your collar bone , to remind you of things . fathom the food , the food , the food . latch to that one, lightening flash moment of broken hope . hold on to the jokes, blushes, and pit of stomach falls . hold on to the feeling of small . lay in those moments teetering the walls . hold on to it all . one day these keepsakes will be needed :]

All of my love,

2010 Stevi Renee .

what now ?

MY PRAYERS and DEEPEST, CLOSEST regards go out to the victims of the Haiti and Chile earthquakes . The inhabitants of Hawaii are being evacuated for the fear of an intense tsunami . I am praying for them as well . God, be with us .


objects in mirror are closer than they appear .

why is SHE with him ?"

i always here this question thrown around in people's conversations . often times i feel like i ride the fence in terms of my feeling about that question . [not anymore]. Ever seen a drop dead gorgeous girl with a guy that you would label a '6' ? have you ever heard someone (have you ever BEEN that someone) say "Why is a cute girl like that , with a guy like him ?" OR on the other side of the spectrum , ever seen a really handsome guy with a boogawolf-looking girl ? Well . i respect those couples the most . you should too .

this first part is addressed to the men and women who constantly get grief about the looks of the people they are dating : to hell with society's opinion on YOUR connection with another person . if they want to measure the quality of your relationship on the basis of appearance, then they're clearly the ones with the problem . [Imagine this]: you and your gf/bf (whichever applies) walk into a room of your friends and your homies say, "whaaat are you doing with them ? you can do so much better?" AND you listen to them , turn towards your partner & say, "I think we should see other people." okay so ... what are you left with ? what satisfaction would you honestly get from that break-up ? your friends approval ? they (your friends) don't have to grow old and love someone, YOU DO . if you're happy with that person, it's your life .

Now, to the people who think they can be the Judge Mathis on relationship compatibility: who are we to tell someone that they shouldn't be with another person (based on appearance) ? you can date a girl who looks like say ...keri hilson... [lol] but she can be as interesting as watching paint dry . it's not right . the people who love for 'inner beauty' are the ones who get the most satisfaction out of love . i'm not saying that some people don't have BOTH beauty and personality (because a lot of people do) . BUT know this ... chemistry is not the same thing as inner beauty . finding someone who laughs at your corny jokes, understands your frustrations, knows you better than you know yourself, prays for you more than themselves ... that comes from the inside, but it comes from chemistry . basically, those couples get it , the superficial do not .


long live literature .

"Alone" by Maya Angelou

Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don't believe I'm wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

There are some millionaires
With money they can't use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They've got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

kanye - coldest winter

im a smidge late cause i hate puting videos up back to back . it makes me feel like a lazy blog poster lol . i like the video ... it's vigorous and artistic , thoughtful . three points to be made :

1. isnt this video a bit late ? i mean, i love 808s & heartbreak . . . but where did this video come from ?

2. kanye is definitely a harry potter geek (like me) . those hooded figures are 'dementors' lmfbo ...you tube em . i knew he was cool :)

3. kanye is really the only guy with back to back videos of him being completely absent ! (ex: flashing lights, paranoid, and now coldest winter) .


beauty and the bruise .

She stood in the mirror on her tippie toes . "The teal open-toed flats," she whispered with the house phone wedged in between her chin and chest . she held her mini, sun dress dress up to her body and smiled . i frowned .

i did not want her to go out with him . not again . she danced around the room in a jittery buzz, chi flat iron in one hand and pink lip gloss in the other . those measly beauty tools looked like accessories to murder now . i just wanted to press pause on this moment . i wanted to rewind and remind her of the 'incident' last month .

i wondered, "did she really forget?" i mean , she was putting concealer over the scar under her cheek . When she danced around the room , her spine wiggled . . . that wasn't on purpose . How could she forget ? I didn't . Maybe it's harder to forget when you're the one holding a girl in your arms with a water coloring painting on her face . Red spilling from her mouth and blending with the blues of her jaw . the yellow-ish puss that presses itself against the melody of her violent, violet eye .

while she curled her hair, i held on to the curling of my stomach . who could i tell ? once you turn a certain age, running to tell adults don't mean sh*t if you're already such and so . i could have screamed at her again , but that's the reason why she was ignoring me all together now . but after all, he was 'different now' . that's what he told her and my flesh knotted up at that thought . i couldn't sit still so i walked into the living room .

the heart-hacker outside honked the horn of his Mercedes . i guess money can strangle self-control and self-love . in the middle of her mascara stroke, she dropped the beauty utensil and ran to the door . "COMINGGG !!" she yelled melodically, smiling . She closed the door to grab her purse . he honked again . and again . and again .

". . . so , i walked outside with my AK-47 and sprayed his car . i shattered glass and metal across the pavement of Adams street . okay, wishful thinking . "

so, she walked out of the door and told me to lock it when i left . she shot a glare of rage at me when she walked out of the door . then and there, we walked away from our friendship. i couldn't handle her dangerous devotion to him and she couldn't handle my 'lack of support' . i lost my friend . . . & two months later, she lost her life .

[this is a fictional story and im praying to God that is stays as such . smh]


the skin im in

i recommend the book "The Skin I'm in"

double plated glass .

if you had to describe yourself in 75 words . . . what could you say ? i dont mean the cutesy little acronyms like, "S is for sweet, T is for tough" . booooooo lol . if you had to tell someone about yourself, where you've been, and where youre going in 75 words . . . what would you say ? im talking about self-perception . i challenge other writers to try to describe oneself . me ?

im stevi renee . I love God . i have a keen mind and i am confident in my principles and morals . i'm artistic and writing completes me more than most things could . My vice is music because it makes my soul dance, but also causes blemishes in my perception of the world . I have loved & learned in life. Regardless, i have hope in it . Family is key . Failure is not an option ... until it happens .

Has someone ever put up a picture of themselves on facebook & you wonder why they chose it ? You sittin' here tryna figure out why someone would wanna take a pic in the middle of a sneeze anyway ? Have people told you that you look best with your hair cut short, when you thought you looked your best with a 'fro (low cut > afro ..always lol) ? Have you and your friend both seen the same pair of shoes and had completely opposite opinions ? It always interests me how people have different perceptions of themselves than what the outside world thinks . A person may think that they're witty, when in fact ... they can come off as pretentious . A girl may love her new handbag, but you think it looks like someone mauled a poor rabbit and put straps on the top . people perceive things in different ways . beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but ugly is in the same, exact place . At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter what people think about you . . . they're simply living within the boundaries of their
p e r s p e c t i v e . . .


you can't be serious .

why would a "ghetto themed compton cookout" in san diego be thought of as "funny" or a good idea ? come on people, we gotta do better than this . and to think, this was thought up by college students ? [annoyed] .

extinguishing .

i suppose i'll have a story to tell my little girl someday .
that's how i like to look at it, 'these things'. i just like to sit and think about the way i can tell my little girl that pain comes and fairy tales are for suckas .

but how ? all you want to do is stop her heart from burning , crusting on the outside and then roasting internally . who can handle giving their child Neosporin for their burns ? saying, "sweety, hearts burn slowly, but you have to extinguish them quickly before the flames spread to the mind ". she'd never understand ...my hypothetical daughter, that is . how do you tell your little girl these things ?

i just wanna wrap caution tape around disappointment and anguish . should she know that 'happily ever afters' often leave out 'behind the scenes' footage ? all you want to do is tell her that Cinderella probably has a jealous, obsessed ex that prince charming doesn't know about . maybe we can watch Snow White on Maury and her paternity test of the seven dwarfs . hopefully, we'll catch the 'Cheaters' episode featuring belle when she cheats on the beast with that horny, talkative, french candle stick guy ? somewhere along the line, i imagine i'll be torn between saving her innocence or branding it as naivete . honestly, somethings gotta give .

'cause this feeling aint for amateurs . . . and i could never take the tears of my little girl if she got her heart torn apart .Lord, please bless me with a boy .


on with life .

look , there is this amazing show on HBO that is supposed to be awesome . my friend sent me the link and i absolutely fell in LOVE with the show (even though i dont have HBO in my dorms and i have to figure out some kind of way to watch it) . any how, it's called "How to Make it in America" . If youre an entourage fan, you'll definitely like this , but it also has an urban, eccentric twist on it . the main character is the dude from "Prime" with uma thurman ? no ? no ? lol okay . well here's the link to the first full episode !


A is for almost .

"im selfish , impatient, and a little insecure . i make mistakes . i am out of control and at times hard to handle . but if you cant handle me at my worst then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best ." - Marylin Monroe .

if anything , i have learned one, vital lesson .
find a person who sees the worth in you , so much in fact, that they are willing . someone willing to deal with the hard times because your worth could never be appraised . someone who is willing to stand by you because they cant see it any other way .


lets rub you the wrong way, shall we ?

i guess i'll address it :
so it's black history month if you didn't already know . i did NOT forgot, it's just that i did not know how to go about addressing it at first . not to mention, i go to Spelman . . . everyday is Black History Month over here lol . But, i have a topic that will hopefully make you think (or even better, create dialogue in your circle of people) .

individualism vs. community .

is it better for African Americans to have a sense of community ? Many years ago, if you got in trouble, the whole neighborhood was allowed to give you a whoopin'. Many years ago, if you talked back to an adult (a non-relative) . . . they had permission to pick a switch from a tree and swing . But the idea of the Black community reaches further than just a literal community . What about the community relationship of Blacks and celebrities ? For example, we hold on to Serena and Venus Williams as "Black tennis players". We claim Basketball as a "Black sport" because we dominate it . We claim the President as one of our own and we were offended when Michael Jackson wanted to change his nose because we considered him a "Black musical idol". Then on an economic level , Black people like to help out other Black owned businesses because there aren't many. Some Black CEO's want to give other Blacks a chance in their corporations because they believe in this 'sense of community'.

There's another perspective ... the individuals . These people believe that they should not be recognized for their race, but because of their skill . For example Langston Hughes wanted to be known as a 'poet', not a Black Poet . Instead of calling himself a Black tennis player, Tiger Woods is more concerned with being an athlete than a particular race . Is this wrong ? There are plenty of people who feel like every man is for them self and it's not a concern to worry about other blacks . I mean, White people are very individualistic . They worry about themselves and their family . . . they don't care about their 'perception' as a race, or do they ? . Meanwhile, Black people pray to God that a liquor store robbery doesn't involve a Black man ... bad for our 'image' . Black individualists believe that their ethnicity has nothing to do with who they are today and it shouldn't affect their success in the future .

some people feel negatively about these ideals :
Black community promoters want to uplift the sense of 'helping one another' , however, do we marginalize some African Americans for doing "un-black things" (as if they exist) like speed skating, reading books vs playing basketball, or dating white people ? in my class today, my professor asked if Barack Obama would be in office today if his wife was a white woman instead of Michelle . Would we call him a "sell-out" ? is this is a result of "community" or perhaps some 'Black country club' that you everyone cannot be a member ?

Black individualists don't want their race to hinder their lives . Are these people in denial about who they are ? remember that Dave Chappelle skit of the Black, Blind white supremacist ? are these people pretending to be something they're not ? What's wrong with being a Black swimmer ? A Black doctor ? A Black actor ? Does this cause Black people to turn their backs on the places that they come from ?

something to think about ? what does this say about our perception of one another... about our perception of ourselves as African Americans ?


ask away ! (:

formspring . me folks .

scroll down and ask a question in the little box on the right hand side . if you have a topic you want addressed (but are too afraid to say it aloud) lol . if you have a question concerning a post , or hey ... just me ? ask away my friends !! you can include your ID [or] you can be completelyyyy anonymous .

xoxo .


still waters .

"This was my chance to release him, and fight myself free from my obsession. He would get over me in a few months and go on to be a very big man. So i sailed off to Jamaica. But i freely admit that everywhere i set my feet down, there were tracks of blood. Blood from the middle of my heart. I did not write because if i had written and he answered my letter, everything would have been broken down . . ." -Zora Neale Hurston .

so , that's as far as i've gotten in her book . & so far, she survived without him . so far . . . it makes all the sense in the world to me . so far, i have still waters about this .

[taken from the autobiography 'Dust Tracks on a Road' by Z.N.H]


shipping burdens via prayer .

Dear Reader ,

there is something you need to understand . the sooner you learn and accept this fact, the better off you will be :

God has a plan .

as simple as it sounds, it is so hard to adhere by that fact of life . no matter how bad you try to fight God's plan or mold it into what you would 'ideally' want, God knows best . If it's meant to be, it will be . Regardless of where God takes you, you never have to worry about being alone . God isn't some hater, insecure friend who tries to sabotage and ruin your life . . . everything is for a reason . Take a deep breath, live life and stop fighting what the Lord has in store . It will be excruciatingly hard, but just . . . try to live by faith . i am .

All My Love,

Stevi Renee .

drain-o .

my heart used to make sense before this . now, it's flooded with memories of wide smiles, jumpy hearts and secret, violet smooches . overflowing into my concentration and now my eyes bleed 'what ifs?' . the flood leaked to my feet & im walking on the possibilities in things . im walking, feeling pressure in my toes like too-tight, nylon stockings . the same kind of pressure we put on ourselves to make the 'us' into diamonds . but, what was wrong with the worth before ?
"romance is about the possibility in things . It's about the time between when you first meet some fine ass woman and the first time you make love to her. Or when you first ask a woman to marry you, and when she says, 'i do'. People that been together for a long time say that the romance is gone... mm mm ... what they're really saying is . . . they've exhausted the possibilities."
- Larenz Tate , Love Jones .

is this romance that seems to be clogging the drain ? is this pile of the five 'W's the possibility of what could have been ? is romance the life support of love ? what happens when you unplug ? well , maybe heartbreak is a sick man's version of romance .



Okay . people (including me) get sick and tired of Valentine's Day hype ... especially if you aren't in some romantic restaurant with a special someone lol . BUT, lets not hate on the couples that are surviving in a crazy, media-obsessed, network-crazed, love hopeless, technological fanatic world lol . MY TOP 5 COUPLES THIS V-DAY :

Adriana Lima & Marco Jaric [married now]: this couple is too cute for my life ! Victoria Secret model, Adriana Lima, was abstinent until marriage and a devout Christian. Marco was kind of a quirky, shy professional athlete who fell in love and HAD to wife her lol .

Lisa and Ed Hartwell : Ed, a former NFL player and Lisa, the hilarious, LA-native personality on The Real Housewives of Atlanta are such a genuine couple . They seem to truly be best friends. They went into business together selling homes and she tells him what he needs to hear, even if he doesn't wanna lol . After her heartbreaking divorce with singer Keith Sweat and child custody battle, Ed was really a rock for Lisa . Their friendship stands out the most .They're cute (:

Beyonce and Jay: come on now . this power couple took over the music industry and i think what's most admirable about this couple is their privacy . With the slip of a "resentment" song or two ...the couple keeps their business to themselves . Im so tired of people sayin, "Jay-Z is not cute enough for B". So what . She can truly get any guy she wants, so she got the guy she wanted duh lol . Not to mention, if a couple can unconsciously make THAT FACE at the same time lol ...they're meant to be (:

Barack and Michelle Obama: enough said .

Edgar and Mildred Gater: sighhh . these are my grandparents, married for 50 years this past June . I don't know anyone who loves their spouse like they do. After three children and six grandkids, they're still cuddling on the couch watching the Laker game (both screaming at the television lol). This past summer, i sat down and talked with them about their past experiences . They stuck through a lot with each other. College, Near death experiences, money struggles, finding salvation, losing their daughter, strokes, & seizures . Nevertheless, they stick around and continue to be the epitome of a couple . That's love .


something new . finally .

ive been so tired of the kay jewelers crap, the wal*mart valentine's day advertisements, the talk show 'valentine's day editions', and the typical "this valentine's day..." opening in every TV commercial . boooo . [maybe im just sick of it all together lol] . BUT, props to google who took advantage of the holiday to be creative and very romantic .
i present: the valentine's day google commercial !

confessions of a goose .

when the sky fell apart, i looked into the clouds & frowned .
i shook my head at God, 'just when i let my guard down ?"
i was lost in my ambivalence ... first pissed, then devotion .
God . i needa press pause, rewind, then slow motion .

i wanna fix things, take one for the team;
but what i thought would keep me full was only lean cuisine .
im starving for an 'us', but honest & real
too bad i gave my love for cheap, on sale ...a steal .

how could he think it's valuable ? when the actions scream to differ ?
'cause what he said don't add up, i wanna get like we were .
im hopin what we had wasn't mirrors and smoke
'cause im in bed at four am, still wide awoke .

my mind and heart throw fists tryna beat the other .
im tryna piece the two together while im duckin for cover .
im so annoyed that this love thing wont go away . . .
'cause if he asked one more time, then i'd probably stay .

but this is all a piece of crap, scrap metal at best .
claiming one thing to me , then act like it's 'on to the next' .
i just need a sign , something big and bright
maybe its the air and the sun , i simply gotta live life .

Me .


in case you were wondering ...

The paintings and mixed media on my blog (the pics of the hood dudes beating up heart balloons & the 'selling out is the new keeping it real' pic, the westcoast one now) are by a remarkable artist named Patrick Martinez. He tackles the urban world (which most artists rarely do) and his work is often a societal satire. He's awesome ! He just so happened to go to Pasadena High School . Had no idea (:

check him out:


bros before hos .

boys are so concerned with the 'bros before hos' dynamic . they wanna make sure that they don't disrespect their friends by the intrusion of this new soul . it can be awkward , trying to introduce a 'ho' to the bros . they don't know her, they don't really care to . . . but because he brings her around, the bros kinda have to . everything is cool until it's not .

he starts spending more time with his 'ho' and then his 'bros' start to make the jokes . they got something to say about everything . "my nigga, you whipped." [then the eastcoast version] "aye my manz, you whipped." lol . & don't let his 'ho' be different from the usual ones he brings around , it makes a situation A LOT more uncomfortable . his 'bros' convince him that ALL 'ho's' are snakes ... 'girls are sneaky, cant be trusted." so, whats a boy to do ? he dismisses her off .

the bros can be anything from homeboys to homegirls . a 'bro' is simply a friend that was there before the 'ho' was . & that's the problem . because what happens when the 'bro's' find their special someones and the guy is left hangin, missing the one that got away ? tables turn . and lets say the tables didn't turn, then what ? then all of the 40 year old 'bro's' who never gave into love can sit around in a bar somewhere and wonder what couldve been ? lonely and drunk , together . all cause you let your 'ho' go .

let me warn men now not to EVER get rid of a 'ho' because of a female 'bro' . that has to be the most unstable thing to do to oneself . men will play the sh*t out of their girlfriends because of a homegirl who's been there before . a female 'bro' can talk sh*t about man's 'ho' and he wont even stand up for her . but there's a problem . women, regardless of how cool or down to earth, or real ... all want to fall in love . once they find the man that they fall head over heels for, they WILL go missing in action . Even worse, if the new 'love of her life' asks her to get rid of a male friend ... she'll probably do so . and men ... you probably wont even see it coming . then your 'ho' is gone and all you have is a silhouette of the 'bro's' that were there .

Men, you see how i keep calling your girl a 'ho' ? does it sound weird ? ...yeah, because she's NOT a ho . she's the girl that you fell in love with . The 'bro's before hos' dynamic only works if your girlfriend's name is cinnamon and her job is on the corner of some dead end , sketchy street . i remember a guy telling me, "i cant trust a scrape or put her before anybody until she's the wife ." hey dummy , she will NEVER be your wife if you treat her like a 'ho' . use some sense .


the top of the stairs .

At the age of eleven, Valentine’s Day could have been synonymous with groundhog’s day. I simply didn’t see the significance. All day, I was surrounded by teddy bears, roses, and chocolate. "Is this what love is?" I wondered vacantly. I ran down the seventeen stairs and felt a shock of nausea at the sight of my grandparents cuddled on the couch, kissing. My aunts were making my uncles’ plates of food and hallmark cards with red hearts, and black couples were laid across the old-fashioned, floral table cloths in Nana’s dining room. My grandmother's foster daughters’ Krystal and Champagne were on the phone grinning from ear to ear with an abnormally high pitched tone in their voices. There must have been testosterone on the other end of the phone line. This hoopla made me want to avoid the bottom of the stairs all together.

I knew I could count on Christina to escape from the ruckus downstairs. Out of the three foster daughter’s in Nana’s house, Tina intrigued me the most. Her hair was jet black with a faded, green streak in her bangs that Nana made her cover with cheap, drug store, hair dye. Somehow, the green still peaked through the oppressive black color. Her ear lobes were stretched 'cause Nana made her take out her ear gages too. She had a hole in her nose where her silver ring used to be. She always said that no one understood her. “Stevi, what’s up niece?” she said, pinning up a rave flyer to add to her collection. Tina always snuck out to raves through the back window and down the balcony. Those flyers were blatant slaps in the face, undermining my nana’s strict reign. “Tina, what’s the name of the cute Backstreet Boy again?” I said, looking at the poster on her wall. “Lance!” she laughed, “You know, you don’t have to like him just because I do. You can like whichever one you want.” I blushed.

“Christina!” my nana yelled from the bottom of the stairs.
“Excuuuuuse me?”
Tina sighed, “Yes Mom?”
“Adrien’s down here to see you.”
“okay! coming.”

My stomach sank. Once again, I was an awkward outcast as a result of Valentine’s Day. Adrien was just like Tina. He had tattoos at the age of sixteen and dark hair that was spiked up into some weird entanglement. I stuck my head outside of the door to see Adrien’s eyes light up as Tina hugged him. My nana walked away and reminded Tina that she was on punishment and her boyfriend couldn’t stay long. Tina rolled her eyes and gazed at me from downstairs, “You can watch TV in my room until I come back.” Without waiting for my reply, they walked outside. I was furious. I couldn’t believe that Christina gave into all of the commercial-chaos of Valentine’s Day.

Twenty minutes later, I heard Tina’s keys unlocking the door downstairs. Like a typical eleven year old, I had forgiven her and I just wanted someone to hang out with me. I peered down the stairs to see her walking up, grinning harder with each step she took. I thought about what she could possibly have to grin about? What did he do? Get her a teddy bear? Did he buy her jewelry? Did he give her chocolates? She hated chocolate. Tina glided into the room. Out of a plastic bag, she pinned up a picture that Adrien drew of a bleeding heart. By the looks of the drawing, I assumed he was devastated or something. Apparently not. “Look Stevi, Look!” she carefully placed a dozen dying roses on her wooden dresser. Two dark, crisp petals fell from the bouquet and she caught them quickly, still beaming. I smiled . “This is love,” said Christina quietly. I agreed.


bug .

maybe they stalk my facebook .
i may not be the most discrete about my emotions . i go MIA and i write an aweful lot, in flowery language about my issues and feelings ...
but i don't understand .
is there some 'lets-wait-around-for-some-instability-in-her-relationship-so-we-can -pounce-on-her' club ? do guys just sit around waiting for a facebook status to change ? do they stare at some red phone (at their headquarters) that only rings when a girl is having some emotional trouble ? like , what exactly is this ill-romanced bat signal that sends guys into some rat race to pick of the pieces of hurt girls ? is there some script that all of these club members get after their initiation ? perhaps they receive a handbook in the mail: "how to spit weak game at a girl who's not in the mood" .

what gives em the moxy to tell me about my situation , the people i care about, the people who aren't perfect, yet, the people that i love ? what gives them the balls to tell me 'what i need' and what i haven't been given ? who told them that i was some damsel in distress looking for a knight in shining, faux leather that can sex me up into submission & 'give me what i need' ? psh . take your 'penis revolved personality' somewhere else .

i may be fragile, but im far from an imbecile . pack up your comparisons of who i'm with and what you can be . pack up your false sense of what a 'real man' is & your D-grade, lazy attempts to be a "shoulder to lean on" . i just want to know where your bat signal is coming from ... so i can smash it with my large, steel bat . plain & simple, it's none of your business & i dont need what you're selling .


salvage .

how can a dandelion compete with a rose ?

roses pull you in by their velvet skin and rich color .
when wet, roses can make anyone stray from their home .
roses are sexy, roses draw you near, roses are dangerous .

how can a measily dandelion compete ?
it can't .
all it can do is wait for someone to appreciate its simplicity & quirky ways .
dandelion: the fragile flower blown to pieces by chaos .

*choux pastry heart -corinne bailey rae


set up to fail: black women longing for love.

i heard some crazy statistic while i was eating dinner with my friends today . Something like 40% of African American women will not be married in their lifetime . Then she told me about 70-something percent of women with Bachelor and/or graduate degrees will never be married ! Not to mention, there are alot more women than men. [90 males per 100 females in the Black or African American population in 2000.]
(blog post/article from my friend about that coming soon lol)

Even crazier than that, is the realization that i don't really care . it seemed like one of my friends was hurt by the statistic and wanted to save our 'happily ever after', "noooo . i really think we'll all get married." i listened . my other friend laughed and chimed in, ". . . naw, i probably wont." i ate my onion rings and said my little input about the statistic (because i always have to talk lol). BUT, the probability was, three out of the four of us at the dinner table would never have the title of 'MRS' .

we joked to my friend about holding on to who she has, because if her boyfriend was let loose, some random hood rat would be quick to latch on . we laughed , but we all knew the reality of the situation . . . it was probably true . With ten percent (791,600 in 2000) of African American males incarcerated and a lesser percentage in college, should women be nervous? How many Black men graduated from High School? How many of those Black men are Gay? How many are on the down low? BUT, does holding on to the 'one you have' guarantee a happy marriage though ? is it crazy for girls to be worried about finding a husband at age 20 ? Should Black women date outside of their race ? Has this defected generation caused young ladies go crazy in a frenzy to find "Mr.Right"?
** Well as far as im concerned, all that can go to hell , statistics don't make a person's fate ... God does . I realized that i dont care about statistics, i care about being with someone who's a ride or die. When i thought about that, a lot of things came into perspective for me. what about you ? what do you think ?


standing still .

it's insane how big standing still can be .
what a big difference standing still in chaos is compared to standing in paradise ?
once upon a while ago, i said that i just wanted things to stay where they were .
and now i'm an anxious child whose mother put them in the corner for a time out .

the atmosphere never changes .
i was standing still in cold and i'm currently standing still in the cold now .
the difference ?
before i was wrapped in your embrace, that affection, the laughs,that deliberate security that kept me warm regardless of the bitter, dark hours . i would've stayed there for hours if i had the chance . i would've stayed there for years if i had the chance .
now i am forced to rub my hands across my arms in a desperate attempt not to freeze . alone .

and as much as i am standing still in this chilly predicament , i cannot move . i look into the sky for a gust of wind to carry my warmth back to me . my you back to me . i stare into the darkness waiting for a beacon of light or some type of hope . i wonder, how long can i stay in the cold ? i wonder how long can i wait until the frost begins to molest my soul ? So im losing my sanity , i want to get away ... to run . if i dont find shelter and warmth somewhere else, i can find comfort in the fact that my body will warm up from the running . . .

here's wishing kid .

this is still my favorite show on television . not necessarily because of the story line (which is awesome), but because of the actual words and script. God, its good . anyways, Grey's Anatomy :


quote , end quote .

"I'm in love . . . with life . Look , love is about respect & sacrifice ; it's about the things that you don't hear about in songs ."
- Rupaul .


boot straps .

i was on twitter today & it hit me . while scrolling through hundreds and hundreds of PSA's about numerous crisis' of people's lives , i had my much needed epiphany .

"I'M so over dealing with this . i'm through.
"i give and give and give and i get nothing in return."
". . . his letter wasn't pleasant ."
"why cant sh*t just be simple ?"
"i don't deserve this ."
"you made me feel so small ."

in a sea of subliminal tweets and facebook status', i thought i would drown in this 'pity tea party' . it's crazy how you can think you are the only person going through something when in all actuality, millions of people are going through the same thing . While i was building up the rest of my life today, trying to get ready for what seems like an inevitable transition ... my mind was racing 150 miles per hour . emotions were high and low & i felt like a crazy person . Meanwhile, there were so many people going emotionally mental literally every three seconds in the cyber world .

Usually, i see so many updates a day that i kind of just click my way out of the obligation of compassion . Nevertheless, when i saw these status updates i felt immense sympathy for these people . Then i removed my subjectivity and realized how small my problems actually are . I realized that the oh-so-boring 'whoa is me, basket case' nonsense is for the birds . So many people are going through the same type of dilemmas all of the time & unfortunately, i'm no exception . My problems simply aren't that huge . No matter what happens, God is going to see me through and protect me and ill be okay . No matter what happens, God will never forsake me and i'll grow stronger and wiser from every experience . I'm no longer worried, i'm no longer scared, i'm just counting it all joy & excited to see what life has in store . . .


quote , end quote .

"we are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all ."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
[united states delegate to the united nations general assembly & first lady]

smh .

Anything wrong with this picture ^? This is Vanity Fair's pick of Hollywood's new up and coming actresses in the movie industry . These NINE, gorgeous, fair-skinned individuals are talented, sure . However, something is missing ... how about some diversity ? They couldn't find anyone of some other nationality to grace the cover ? America Ferrera ? Zoe Saldana ? Gabourey Sidibe (Precious) ? Some people want to counter this argument and say "there is plenty of diversity inside the magazine". Miss me with that . The cover of a magazine is a cover for a reason . It is targeting a certain demographic of people that they want to read . Judging from the porcelain cover, Latinas, Blacks, Asians, Indians, and other minorities are not an important audience .

BUT, i have to play devil's advocate . Are magazine's like Essence, Jet and Vibe discriminating for having Black people on their cover ? They are targeting a certain demographic as well and they sure aren't putting "Miley Cyrus" on the front of their glossy fronts . Is Vanity Fair simply appealing to their desired audience ? Or are they still wrong for trying to "acknowledge talent in the movie industry" , but discriminating against the people who are worthy in the process . hmmmm ?

* the long line of women is from the most recent issue of Vanity Fair . The photo at the top is the one of August 2008 . [notice that Amanda & Kristen were used twice for the cover, i guess NO ONE else qualified for an impressive actress huh ? ] . mm, i guess this is a touchy, controversial topic .

fabric food for thought .


innie minnie mienie moe .

so . im writing stories all over the place (especially in my creative writing class). but im not 100% sure which route i want to go with my first story . these are snippets of stories . i would REALLY like your guys feedback [you can comment as anonymous, text me, formspring me, or whatever . . . just lemme know your opinion] . which story makes you want to read more ? which story appeals to you the most as a reader ? There's no right answer, just your answer :) thanks !!

story #1:
I walked into the bathroom and my stomach plummeted. The air was thick and a horrendous stench crept into my nose quickly. The aroma in the air was similar to the scenario of rotten fish, boiled eggs, and feces shoved into a blender. The smell was so strong that I could taste the repulsive smoothie blend in the back of my tongue. My stomach turned into back flips and I grasped my mouth as a wave of ‘things eaten today’ splashed into my chest, rose up my throat, through my lips and onto the sticky floor beneath me . . .

story #2:
He said he was from Rochester, New York. I was not impressed, until I visited. The sky is filled with clouds; they are thick, dark clouds that look like dark denim cotton candy. The structures are small and short with hundreds of windows that bounce light off of their neighboring buildings. Little streetlights carve the skeleton of the lake that glistens in serenity. All of the city’s light is reflecting on this water which creates warm yellows and reds on the lake. It is simply gorgeous. The night I fell in love with Rochester, New York was the same night I found my soul mate … and the same night I found out I was already pregnant by another man . . .

story #3:
She had long, black hair that hung and swung, just at the bending of her knees. That hair of hers was so black and glossy that it gave the illusion the midnight blue sky. As i stared in enchantment, someone called her name. As she spun around, her full sleeve of tattoos bounced off of the sunlight. A multi-colored peacock, yellow sunflowers, and blue waves blended on her arm to create a breath-taking picture on her ivory canvas. In the middle of the visionary skin ink, there stood a pink ribbon that twisted around the peacock's neck, through a sunflower petal, and sunk into the blue water. She motioned me and I slowly followed her into her room. Gently, she pulled her dark, shiny hair off of her head and placed it on the wig manikin with care. Her naked head glistened against her bedroom light and she smiled warmly, "diagnosed five months ago and stop staring. it's f*cking rude."

love . just $9.99

you knew it was coming people .

February is not a month . It is a time set aside to run around like chickens with our heads cut off because we don't have a love interest in our lives . Right after the shiny "New Year's" banners and pointy hats come down from the shelves, they are replaced with pink and red hearts, chocolate boxes, teddy bears, and love notes . I hear that people have been calling Valentine's Day 'Single Awareness Day' and rightfully so ... it is the time when people feel like they are the loneliest . Ladies, while people are out with their dates, you'll be throwing darts in the basement at your friends' mushy couple pictures . Fellas, while your boys are out with their eye candy, you'll be at home eating the nasty little heart candies that taste like chalk . I know, I know . I have been there .

Well i have to address the issues surrounding this holiday:
1. Everyone who says that Valentine's Day is stupid, superficial, and capitalist ... probably couldnt find a valentine lol .

2. Even the most negative, skeptical, self-righteous girl wants something for Valentine's day. She doesn't necessarily want extravagance ... but something . A love note, a gesture, something . She's lying if she says she doesn't . POINT PERIOD BLIZANK . lol

3. True, Valentine's day is a commercial, "hallmark" holiday . But why do people complain about the marketing of this holiday the most ? "because you cant buy love?" please . Companies profit off of EVERY HOLIDAY: Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Fourth of July ? no one complains about marketing gratefulness, Jesus' Birth, his resurrection, or independence ... let's be real here people . folks are just bitter & lonely around this time of year lol .

4. If you and your girls don't have Valentines ... GO OUT ! girls always say that they'll have a 'night in', eat some ice cream, and watch a movie . yayyyyy (little girl voice) ...no lol . Dress up in your "you missed out" dress, gorgeous shoes, get done up and go to dinner with a big group of girls who'll have better luck next year .

5. Valentine's day does not need to be a one day occurence . It should be celebrated all of the time because tomorrow isn't promised . If you love the person you are with, everyday should be the 14th (listen to: valentine's day - andre 3000).

6. Fellas, dont piss your girl off on purpose to try to get out of valentine's day plans . That will just get your car keyed and your clothes caught on fire .

7. Some more insight to guys. Girls love this holiday so much because it is your excuse to be open with them, be romantic, be thoughtful and generous. They can feel like a queen and appreciated. Trust me, your Valentine's day gestures do not go unnoticed either . she'll brag to her friends and make you feel like a king . Like i said, she'll feel like she's on top of the world [see #5] lol .

8. Ladies, if your man is on a budget ... do not press him . Sure, he should still make you feel beautiful and desired . However, dont expect a Tiffany's bracelet when he's strugglin to get a haircut . Be realistic and be reasonable . It's like Valentinezilla with some of you chicks .

9. I dont really care about Valentine's day. Its cool & all, but it doesnt make or break anything. Besides, Im thinking about my past Valentine's days & im gagging in my head . Dont be the person to make em memorable in that way . lol

10. Lastly, if you have someone special in your life at this time . . . stop what youre doing right now to thank God for them . You have NO IDEA how big of an ingredient God is in a healthy relationship . God is the only ingredient .really .

*have a beautiful, caring, confident, secure ' love obsessed month' people :)