i hear something moving outside.
i run to the window to look & there is nothing but dark .
i shake my head at myself and lay back down .
...but i hear it again .
i pick up the phone & the line is dead .
i hear something creeping up the stairs , heavy boots it seems .
it's getting closer & closer .
my thoughts .
in my life, my mind is always the murderer . walking through my world with authority ... it kills the best of situations mercilessly . If something is going good with me , my mind creeps up and asks what will go wrong . All of the fruits sprouting from my life are eventually stomped on by my questions . my analyzing . my second, third, & fourth thoughts .
sure, you might say that "thoughts" dont kill positive situations . well who cares what you'd say ? i know the truth . doubtful thoughts cause you to walk differently . instead of walking through the fire with excitement and tenacity , thoughts can inject your mind with a saringe full of the "nevermind" . When you paralyze yourself from moving forward ... youre lack of faith and weak mind are to blame .
you have a job interview and you cancel . you assume that the boss wont be impressed with your qualifications . you think that you dont have enough experience under your belt . you simply sabotage your opportunity . you have a great thing going with your girlfriend . she's everything you asked for, but you dont "trust no b*tch" ...you just wanna "get money" . all of these generic "hood phrases" that you soaked your mind in are contradicting your love for this girl and you keep testing her stamina . you have been hurt time and time again by boys dancing in men's shoes . This time it seems right ... but it did last time, and the time before that . youre trying to learn from your past, but not hold it against your new man like a pistol to his neck . you could be missing out on a good man because your mind is ingurgitating any positive outcome .
the mind is more powerful than you think .
texting like a mad woman . couldnt dare sit down at the thought of your next reply . what will you say? what will you say? what do i need to do to keep my sanity from slipping off of the deep end ? but its so invigorating , this passion . pulling at every hair on my body that i just wanna lay back and breath to take this all in ...or you in ?
ugh , infactuation is not all its cracked up to be . feelings, feelings, feelings all over the place . i dig in my pocket ...feelings . i come through my hair ... feelings . i sip out of my cup and i choke on my feelings . theyre everywhere and i dont know if i want em . wondering, mixed emotions all over the place, tripping on them in my bedroom .
who is she ? she's always "@"ing you on twitter . she's always commenting on your facebook pictures ...your status ... your wall ... your life . my friends said not to trust you, your past is under surveillance . i never asked for this attachment . now this complication has me tied in ivy of fear .
baby blue .
im sweeping the floors of my job, thinking of you . clear thoughts of serenity and contentment swirl around my membrane in a delicate dance of cool . remembering your embrace causes seaside smiles in my head . all the nonsense is pushed aside because the core of it all is too amazing . ill cut down the branches of adversity, just to reach the end destination with you . romance, love, cool ...at peace with the colors that got me here .
after talking to my grandparents the other day, i realized that the other colors are nonsense . the pinks, yellows, and navys are so common that we mistake it for love . the lust, the insecure stalking, and the uncertainty are all distractions that keep us from recognizing the real thing . the colors all show up at one time or another ...some longer than the others . However, if you dont realize what color is most important ....you can miss out on a good thing . consider that ?
But God, what i wouldnt give for an equation for emotions . what variables are multiplied to equal confusion ? what needs to be subtracted to lead to a healthy relationship ? what's the square root of fear of intimacy? trust issues? is there some F.O.I.L method for the number of years, days, months, weeks needed before commitment ? How many symbols, numbers, values, and "to the power of's" does it take to know when everything i just right ? or wrong ?
colors blending and mixing in a puddle of uncertainty . you point your toe in and your whole leg is swallowed . things are deeper than you thought they were when it comes to feelings . Simply pretending that your significant other's mind is a novel ...to be read and interpretted is foolish . the mind is no such thing . Rather than being a book, it is a painting created centuries ago with no records from it's author . People say one thing and mean the complete opposite . It's not simple numbers ...
that was in my "honesty" box the other day . that's all . there was nothing more at all, as if to tease my mind and soul with some empty declaration about my character .
i learned almost three years ago that change is inevitable in life . As much as you fight, scratch, and pull at God's feet ... he has a plan and "change" in your life . People are born, people die, people become famous, people move away, people change . Life's lessons and experiences have changed me, yes . death, heartache, betrayal, disappointment, and life has changed me . I am a harder person . I am a colder person in some aspects of my life . However, i dont regret who ive become . I am a stronger person . I embrace life more than i ever have before . I love my family and friends more , appreciate them for their love & support . I can see the sincerity in people now . I am a more honest person (with others and myself). Life's insignificant nuances dont sway me . I dont try to please everyone anymore . I live for God, family, REAL friends and what i feel is right for me . I am happy and embracing life full force . I like my change .
I dont think the mystery person meant to be malicious or disrespectful . Perhaps it was just something for me to think about . However, if they knew me before i "changed" ... then they would know that i never have and never will ...LIVE FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S APPROVAL .
this version is more fuzzy, but it has the background info & judge responses ;
umm . thats real , lmbo . "making it work" does require some flexibility and some compromise . even though the phrase "making it work" is supposed to be a positive one, it often means biting your tounge and dealing with certain things that you dont want to i.e. disrespect, lying, cheating, etc . when i say 'dealing with', i dont mean tolerate ... i mean addressing , talking about, facing the issue . when it comes to making a relationship last, there will always be bumps in the road . people disrespect other people all the time, but you just have to use your better judgement and decide what is 'fixable' . contrary to popular belief, a lot of the time ... boyfriends dont cheat with the intention of hurting their girl . nevertheless, they may not be mature enough or love you enough to choose better judgement . everyone messes up (not necessarily cheating, cause thats not okay .. but in some kind of capacity) . FOR EXAMPLE, i messed up (no homo) and left iman hanging last weekend . it was unintentional and i didnt mean to upset her ...but nevertheless, i did . so, its up to her to decide that its tolerable or unexcusable . its the same in a relationship , you have to decide what can be forgiven and what cannot .
"with me , when the going gets tough , it's time to get going . ive never been the type to sit around and try . after a f*ck up or two , i'm out ! you can ask anyone who knows me well . "
having a successful relationship is about knowing what you want . it's about knowing what you will and will not tolerate . some people cant tolerate cheating . some people cant tolerate being lied to . some people cant tolerate a loud mouth . some cant tolerate a bad kisser . so you should never feel bad about leaving a relationship . keep it 100 with the person youre dating about what you want, and if they cant honor that .. perhaps you arent meant to be . God has somebody out there for everyone, but itll still take work regardless . pray to God for wisdom and clarity . "love" is not letting someone walk all over you and hurt you , because chances are that they dont love you in the same capacity . being in a mutual, [mature] love means that the two people are working as hard as they can to keep the relationship healthy & happy .
sheesh ! what a loaded topic . iman, you didddd that though :) follow her blog ;
elysse marie . little does she know, she changed my fate . my life . my story .
1996 - victory park summer camp .
ely: you should come to my school, it's called Noyes Elementary .
stevi: yeah ! ill ask my mom .
i did . i went, and remained glued to the hip with my bestfriend, my sister, my ely . i couldnt begin to recap all of the crazy memories that we have shared . cheer, nationals, sexy mafia (lmbo =X), sadity, when my mom passed, dance team, arguments, fall-offs, sleepovers, camping trips, cooking, BSU, getting in trouble, heartbreak, heartbreak #2, heartbreak #356, covering for each other, fighting summore (& i distinctly remember smashing your head into a computer keyboard at summer camp one year lmbo) . crying, laughing, screaming and living . we've been through it all together .
i wanna thank you for being there through all of the times . everyone knows i'd kill for my sisters and i know you would kill for me . have a great 19th birthday e-slizz & i know we'll be elderly looking back on our "wonder years" :)
this weekend , i drove down to san diego w. ely & martee . we rode bikes along the coast and saw the prettiest view . we stopped at the beach and got to talking . and of course i got to thinking . as we sat and talked about our plans for the future, i was interested . we have so many aspirations that are so big . some were to start their own health clinics across the world . some were to start their own business . some to simply travel from africa to spain to tokyo with their better half . some were to be happy with her husband ; we had sooo much in store and i started to wonder ...
why dont people dream big ?
langston asked what happens to a dream differed . i believe it's simply left there and wasted until someone with enough spirit and passion picks it up, dusts it off, and puts it in their pocket . we sometimes act as if our dreams are only entitled to us . a dream is not a BCBG dress that hangs in the back of our closet to be worn . its bigger than that . its more important than that . its your aknowledgement of enlightenment . only the ignorant believe that the world is confined to their hometown . there is so much out in the world waiting to be grabbed . smiles . experiences . laughs . tears . compassion . humanity . love .
dreams of starting a company are not ridiculous . they are as tangible as the belief in yourself to do it . sure, you might say that belief isnt tangible ... but spiritually it is . simply reach out and grab it . dreams of finding mr./mrs. right . dreams of having a healthy, fun, breathtaking marriage are not unrealistic . its only crazy when you contradict your aspiration ...settling for less . i have to admit, that is every girl's dream . after 19 years of "people", my belief in them has been abused . Nevertheless, i keep the desire to prove my experiences wrong ; with God, love, honesty, respect and trust ...anything is possible .
please dream . id hate to have to put your dreams in my purse -_-
friendship is such a vital component to a person's life . having someone to lean on is such a blessing and some people really dont understand its importance . unfortunately, some people dont know what it takes to be a good friend . I, on the other hand, have been blessed to come across some amazing friends .
ely: my sister since we were what ? six ? we have gotten in trouble together . we have fought . we have been cool off of each other . you've seen me at my lowest, & me at yours . no matter where we go in life, we see each other in the end .
sam: i dont know how there is someone out there who is as mean as me . haha . naw but sam you have given me some of the best advice i could ask for . we both appreciate life because we both know (in different capacities) that its not promised to us . because of that realization, we lean on each other the most .
iman: sometimes people just have a connection that others dont (no homo lol) . as trivial as music sounds, its one of lifes biggest blessings . things are just so simple with you weezie and i thank you for bringing some laughs, talks, and brilliant advice into my world . forreal .
martee: just because people are cousins does not mean that they have to get along lol....luckily we do . we clicked so much in the beginning because we wanted to escape our problems so bad . with time, i have come to learn that we can deal with them together . ill always be here , even when im distant or right under your nose lol . ily
daren: from late night phone calls panicking that im stranded in georgia to morning texts to make you go to class, i got mad love for you guadi . youre such an inspiriation to me because you dont mind when i need to vent or lean on you about something . even though we had our falling out (and we're both so prideful)...i feel like nothings changed .
^ common traits: honesty, dependability, trustworthy, halarious, real, loving & there in the long hall .
those traits are needed in any relationship . people wonder why things dont work out with their better halfs, its because it lacks whats above ...
so, while you try to insult me like the little boy i knew you
were ... just watch & learn how real works . live & learn ?
it makes things difficult for a care-free future;
but those stains and dirt to come, make us who we are .
if i could only spread out my arms to shield us from pain .
seeing you hurting burns my eyes , makes me tear from the heat;
but the beating makes us strong enough to deal with what's to come .
if kisses cured adversity than complete bliss would be at hand .
inspired by my parents .
Look, everybody has an opinion about Mr. Barack Obama . Unfortunately, money seems to be the most vital and consistent topic in American dialogue . Money is one thing that's delicate and everyone has a different opinion . However, humanity is a concrete aspect of life . People can pretend like they dont care , but they feel it . Barack is lookin out for the well being of Africa ... finally :)
check it: http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/africa/07/11/obama.ghana/index.html?iref=mpstoryview
when we were two years old, we started to realize that our actions had consequences . if we walked somewhere, we would arrive . if we asked mommy for food, we would get an answer . most importantly, we saw how much control we have over our own bodies . we would be raising our hands, twisting our heads, wiggling our feet ...
today . we have brainwashed ourself into believing that we have lost control . "it just happened... i dont know what came over me . i couldnt help myself..." nothing "just happens" . you came over yourself". you could help it . we have full control when we cheat on our loved ones, when we have sex with everything walking , when we go back to a boyfriend/girlfriend who treats us like dirt . We have full control when we gossip about our "friends" and make people feel like they are less than human . We say that we have no control to hide from this aspect of responsibility . Taking responsibility for our actions puts a glove of accountability on our soul . accepting that we have control has the power to create guilt when we didnt exercise self-control like we should have .
So instead, we have convinced ourselves that control is not cool . We want to run into life's traffic with our eyes closed because we're afraid of being liable. If we were "so turnt" that night, you want to pretend that it wasnt really you who punched that guy in the face . If you were "zooted", then it couldnt of been you who had sex with those guys at the party . Well i'd just like to know ...
what brand are those rose-colored glasses ?
controlling oneself is not about following rules . its about power . having the power to say i can choose what i want to do...i am capable of following my spirit, rather than my flesh .
"Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control" Proverbs 25:28
*2 Peter 1:5-8
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welp ! had a great time on my nineteenth birthday . friends from elementary, day camps, sisters, spelman sisters, sisters of spelman sisters, high school friends, brothers, UCLA sissies, cousins and all of the above . i love them <3>
however, soulmates are God's designated roads for life .
happiness is superficial .
nevertheless, joy is a set condition of the heart .
it's these hairline distinctions that drive lucidity into a spiral of confusion and fear . the insanity of listening to your heart or mind . the insanity we go through just trying to recognize who's voice is who's . i imagine the mind's voice sings like musiq soulchild ... sounding lovely , creeping into your everyday affairs . logical . sensible . i imagine the heart sings like maxwell ... all passion, less sensible, screaming into the soul intil it expands the diameter . this listening game puts me on the edge of bliss and affliction .
Listening to the mind who reads the statistics :
- how many times you've been hurt .
- defense mechanisms to make sure you dont invest all of yourself in one person .
- filing a lie into the "white lie" drawer or the "manipulative bastard" file .
" Hearing the heart who blends his smell with the memories of first kisses .
All of the feelings that make you shake . A creation of every pleasant taste,
sound, and vision mixed into a batter of hope .
. it's the reason why we try again and again , despite what the others
did before . At the same time, f e a r
stems from this Maxwell-like voice . It yanks up the
memories of tears and shame and discomfort . it props up barbed wire around
itself to keep the enemy out . embraces, genuine, comfort, the death of me ."
at this point, insanity would be an understatement ;
song: love by musiq soulchild .
okay, im torn .
somethings dont always need to be analyzed . However, somethings are going to be inevitably analyzed lol . they cant just call the video "bomb" or "trash" :
positives: aubrey is an actor first & foremost . i was always a "jimmy" fan so i know his capabilities and he did his thing as "the coach" . secondly, it was halarious . Kanye's producing skills were pretty awesome . & erra, he looks good like always lol . i mean come on, have you seen that million dollar smile ? =DDDD
negatives: i would prefer to not watch breasts bounce up & down for five minutes straight . it was uhh ... annoyingly superficial =/. & on a broader scope, Drake has become more and more thick as time progresses . When he first came out, he was articulate & witty and said somethings that were enlightening . With more and more time, his rhymes, topics, videos and demeanor is becoming more "typical" . that might be my boy's downfall . hmmm?
Elie Wiesel said it best, "you can get used to anything."
someone in his circumstances had everyright to make that statement , and i invest a section of my beliefs to that declaration .
Time and time again, that statement re-proves itself in my life . Somethings happened to me in my life that i thought would crush me, physically and mentally . However, As cruel and blunt as it sounds, my mind and heart get used to anything . That doesnt mean the "anythings" become pleasant or easy over time ...it just means that you become accustomed to it .
unfortunately, i become accustomed to as well . Things that took your breath away become mundane with time . my unique characteristics become the norm with time . the things i said that pierced your mind has numbed it all the same ... with time . as "different" as i seem to most, you can get used to it . i think thats secretely everygirl's biggest fear with a man ... becoming "used to" . Having him look at you like seven-year-old bed sheets . I think that's why girls do the things they do for men ...at any cost , because theyre scared of becoming the "been there, done that". theyre so desperate to keep things fresh .
i honestly dont have the answer to the posed problem . however, i can imagine times when i have woken up to the sun & appreciated it like it was the third time i met him . & perhaps thats what love is ? Getting used to your love but still appreciative of the joy they bring in your life . rolling over to your spouse and feeling blessed to have them for another day . i can only imagine what it would be like to wake up to bliss every morning . not necessarily waking up to a perfect person...cause everyone sucks once and a while lol . but waking up to think, "wow ...theyre still here. how lucky am i? " hmm, i dont know ? i guess anythings possible ?
song: teedra moses - take me .