i believe in the subconsious and conscious thoughts that wanna comb through our thick, stubborn brains .
but this is different .
i never knew there was a place, a section in the back of the mind that acted as a prison for particular memories, thoughts, and realizations .
bars extended from the floor of your brain to the ceiling of it .
they're electrical, steal, cold, and unreal .
at the front lie guard dogs that snarl at the impression of an approach .
but to me, they couldnt be more restraining . as soon as i reach for a fun time or an emotion, my body shuts off just long enough for me to back away . sometimes living in a state of numbness is better than a constant pain that melts the mind into a puddle of "whoa is me".
However, these memories and thoughts have been wrongfully imprisoned .
guiltiness swarms my body paralyzing me from moving forward in other aspects of life.
i owe it to her to set them free , but its all about preservation .
i cant guarantee that a mass release of the prisoners wont cause a mental breakdown .
so, ill release one by one slowly until we can coincide .
grief is the DNA of despair ; everyone's different .
He dreamed he was walking along
the beach with the Lord .
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life
For each scene he noticed two sets
of footprints in the sand.
one belonging to him,
and the other belonging to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life flashed
before him, he looked back
at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along
the path of his life
there was only one set of footprints.
He noticed that it happened at the
very lowest and saddest times of his life.
This really bothered him
and he questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once i decided
to follow you, You'd walk with me all the way.
But i have noticed that during
the most troublesome times of my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why, when i needed
you the most, you would leave me.
The Lord replied, "My son, my precious child,
I love you and would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that i carried you."
Author Unknown .
about two and a half days by automobile .
around 5 hours by plane .
... a billion sighs by yearning heart .
I swear my emotions caused this storm tonight .
rain and thunder are my distant cousins and they feel my restlessness .
humidity making it hard to breathe and im uncomfortable in my skin .
But thunder storms are humorous occurences .
they are a complicated, romantic comedy.
when youre in the arms of a loved one ... in the midst of a storm ...you two are alone . arms, lips, embraces and bliss .
however, in the absense of a loved one , a thunderstorm is the most cold of situations . it can make you feel like you're the only person left on the earth (even if someone else is five feet from you) .
NOW , doesnt that suck .
"i really love your style, its so edgy and cute..."
"whoaaaaa, your shoes were so ugly . who wears those anymore?"
"wow, and your shoes made the whole thing just... POP!"
in a sea of positivity and compliments, we always seem to hook and real in the bad comment . no matter how many "wows" and "marvelous" and "amazings" we hear, the one "not your best" or "ugly" seems to stick to us like fly paper . negativity is so much more than a word . it is so much more than a "hater", negativity is life's spiritual obesitity . It's meant to weigh you down when you should be running in a good direction .
negativity is a tricky one . it comes in so many forms . those girls who tell you what will go wrong in your relationship . those guys who call you a pussy for being faithful . your mind that says you arent smart enough or diligent enough to take that philosophy class . little do we realize, those same people are wrong about every other aspect of their life, why can they tell you about yours ? the girl who has so much to say about your boyfriend, is allowing hers to beat on her as we speak . the guy who calls you a pussy is gunna be single and lonely till he's sixty five . Even the things we "think" about ourself are barriers built up with bricks of other people's impression of us . sometimes, some constructive hating can benefit ...but be sure that you can tell the difference . think of how far you could go if you dusted the negativity under your rug ....
a cool foundation and background that should sustain the fondest and simplest of results .
this blue sky gave birth to red puffs of complication .
so complicated in fact, that the word "complication" needs to be used because it's thee most vague word available .
if "complicated" was not proper diction, then the clouds would be forced to change color every half of a second .
i cant handle it .
id rather sum it all up to a vibrant, bold, complicated red . it's the easy way out .
who knew things could be more mind-throbbing, more complex, more frustrating than "complicated" ?
thinking what you've learned will prepare you for what's next .
hmm . "what's next" is simply the same equation with a slight movement of the variable .
we dont know how to react .
this is a harp playing softly behind african drums .
as w i d e & gorgeous as the teal stretches across the heavens,
those clouds steal the spotlight .
how unfair is that ? .
this is not meant for people to completely comprehend .
it's meant to clear the membrane until the clouds turn into ivory clarity ...
2. men do not NEED sex . contrary to his desperate claims, there is no physical evidence/science to prove that his head will blow off without it . So when a man says "I cheated because I have NEEDS"... you NEED to slap him twice and thank God that you dodged a little boy .
3. men , however, always want sex . Please dont put it past a guy to cheat on you because you wont "give it up". At the same time, dont think he wont cheat just because you had sex.
4. dont claim that all men are dogs . thats a defense mechanism to hide from the fact that there are both good and bad boys & itll be VERY hard to tell . somewhere beyond the lust, morale can be found in some guys . some guys can be selfless . it happens .... rarely , but it happens .
5. everybody cannot wear tights . its just not flattering on certain people . furreal -_-
6. ladies . finding a man is like finding a man . please dont think your looks are gunna qualify you for a relationship . if your resume simply says, "GORGEOUS & sexy" ... trust me, there's someone who's resume says that and much more . dont be so shallow .
7. dont think a girlfriend or boyfriend's ex has nothing to do with your current relationship . it has EVERYTHING to do with your relationship lol . That experience (just like every other one) has molded your bf/gf into who they are today ... including their philosophies on love .
8. our generation is a lost one . im scared to see where we'll be in 15 years . we live as if we dont expect to see 29 years old ... but what happens when we do ? your memorized lil wayne quotes and clubbin cant hold you over forever . hmm .
brush strokes of red discomfort and teal ambivalence swirl on a canvas until the handle breaks .
an easel of your insecurities are propped up for the world to see .
ironically enough, you do what you do so no one will notice the problems .
biting youre tounge until it bleeds .
holding the blood from spilling out because you dont want them to be uneasy .
molding the clay of situations to the point when it's too small to address .
sketching solutions to prevent the other from confrontation .
appeasement pencils . they sell like wildfire .
picking on you .
talking down to you .
cheating on you .
deceiving you .
manipulating you .
humiliating you .
hitting you .
there are no appeasement parables laying around this blog . only words from a nineteen year old girl who sees the beauty in fighting back . sticking up for oneself . sometimes sitting back and watching is the best approach . you can see whats happening and the offender doesnt know whats comming , but that doesnt mean taking the short end of the bargain time and time again .
"choose when to be silent , dont allow yourself to be silenced ."
if you wade into the water far enough, you spot tropical fish of blue and orange fluttering by your feet . on the horizon, the sun sets and the purple blushed sky fades off to make room for the stars . the phone rings . it's a phone call that your son just got suspended from school again . you rememeber those overflowing emails pouring out of your blackberry . uh oh . your car note is due anytime now . tuition is due anytime now . your baby's mama is due anytime now .
paradise is not the destination in which you choose to reside .
paradise is a mindset that pushes all things away into the "not now" file of the mind . it's a being of serenity and calm and peace . paradise can be in your parents house (doubt it) . paradise can be in some far off country . paradise can be in the back corner of barnes and noble , under a stack load of fictional books . paradise can be in a spouses arms . who knows .
with all of the stress & drama of today , let me tell you that there is true paradise in God's umbrella of protection . Things can get to you sometimes and life can really yank you by the collar ...but knowing that your burden is also God's to bear can be comforting at times . Even more so, knowing that God can & will take care of it is even more of the much needed "chill pill" . Give it to God and he will provide :)
poor little tiana . she wakes up drowing in audio floods of breast enhancement deals . with crust in her eyes & scarf on her head she looks into the mirror . glass doesnt need to be shattered to cut . it takes a soldier to see one's beauty in a battle of negativy .
so back to tiana:
she walks down the street to Insecurity High School [off of melrose btw] . She lifts her head & see's dollar signs in the clouds . money might as well be there, she knows it aint in her pocket . she steps in somethin, bullshxt . girls with sandyblonde hair & prada shades plague her while in class . she looks to her left , unaffordable uggs . she looks to her right, dolce&gabbana handbags that whisper snickers and laughter . Tiana turns on her ipod to block the baracade of pain . "money....blah blah...honey with the long hair & light skin...blah blah...ten drinks at the bar...blah blah...car with rims....". she cant escape the poison .
beyonce in leotards & heels . ciara in a mid-drift & sweats . those spandex tight girls in the dream's video . keri hilsons legs .ashanti's weave . okay, not ashanti's weave .
.. middle finger to the people who think they can tell me what i am . middle finger to the bastards who try to convince me that im not skinny enough, thick enough, light enough, that my hair is long, that my booty isnt big, that im flat chested, that im not sexy enough, that im too smart, that im not thee epitome of who i want & need to be . psh, who the f*ck are you anyway ?
i mean , Steve makes a lot of good points . he apparently hasnt met me yet (lol) but i digress . Anywhooo ...
Why do girls have anxiety about having standards ? really . whats so wrong with knowing what you want ? whats so wrong with NOT settling ? This is the problem :
Girls bend so much on their standards that they entertain hundreds of liars, cheaters, deceivers & manipulators . After being left alone hundreds of times, they confuse themselves and think that theyre the ones to blame . Nope ! if you had stuck to your standards in the first place, you would have your honest, open, good-communicating, christian, moral boyfriend . Its like buying a broken flat iron and thinking that its going to straighten your hair . and even worse, you might be able to fix a broken flat iron ...but humans dont come with a manual .
Alot of girls get confused and wanna reject a guy with the intentions of getting him to come back . When you tell a guy to leave (because he lacks the criteria) ...it needs to be because you want better for yourself ... NOT because you reeeeally wanna settle and want to trick him . come on . A man may have some idiotic tendencies, but he is not a complete fool . As Riley (from the boondocks) would say, "game recognize game and you lookin a little unfamiliar" ...look unfamilar . surprise these guys by actually sticking to what you want . If youre trying to "trick him" into thinking that youre secure, stop now . youre not fooling anyone ... except for yourself . think about it, yeah ?
my favorite movie... do the right thing . it blurs the line between what we think is right and what we think is wrong . its deep and its halarious (lol) .
love jones . good love story . its real & romantic (& sexy like nobodys business lol)