three questions.

[I asked my twitter followers for blog post suggestions. Here was one: How do you know when you are ready to date?]

Well, I am far from a relationship expert. However, i do believe that there are three questions that everyone should ask themselves before hopping into a relationship:

My first question is: Are you confident enough to date someone?

Often times, people look for a counterpart who will compensate for their flaws. For example, lets say Tanisha (random name, I know) is beautiful, outgoing, brilliant, and extremely insecure. She is hoping that her next boyfriend will give her confidence. He cannot do that because ultimately, he has nothing to do with her insecurities. All of his compliments, pampering, and attention cannot feed the beast that is her inner doubt. Paranoia, worry, anxiety, and jealousy will get the best of Tanisha, regardless of the man she’s dating. you have to date someone with the intent of complementing one another, not completing them.

I have dated men in the past that punished me because of their insecurities. They accused me of things or acted out because they assumed that I would get “bored” or “tired” of them. It was a classic “hurt them before they can hurt me”. Now, if they knew me at all, they would have known that I do not cheat – simply because I would never want to inflict that pain. Regardless of how many times I attempted to reassure them, they could not see me- they could only see a reflection of the men they were not. Make sure you are confident enough to date someone… especially in an era when people are more social, desperate, bold, despicable, and morally confused.

My second question is: Are you humble enough to date someone?

I know this question may seem out of place, but humility is just as important as confidence. It takes a humble heart to listen with open ears. It takes a sense of humility to admit that you are wrong- to put your pride and ego to the side for another person. Vanity, narcissism, and arrogance are not attractive ... in fact, they’re too transparent to even be interesting. Sometimes, it can pleasantly surprise the person you date when you ask, “How are you feeling about us?” It implies that their perspective MATTERS. It implies that there are two people in the relationship.

Third question: Do you know what you want?

This answer is not crystal clear for everyone. A wise man once asked me, “What do you NOT want?” and I was so flustered because I had not prepared that answer haha. Nevertheless, sometimes, understanding your deal breakers will help to weed out the frogs from the princes. If you are the “list type” and you want to write down the things you want, I suggest that you write eternal things first and physical things last. That, my friends, will also be your order of importance when dating. If you do not know what youre looking for...how will you know when you've found it?

ehh. but hey, what do i know?

finding your inner fortune teller.

[So, I'm sitting here watching "Tough Love: New Orleans". Their exes were reintroduced and these women didn't know how to react. One woman hides in her closet, having a panic attack. Another woman allows her ex to come back and make her feel insecure about her looks .. again. It made me wonder how these middle-aged women ended up this way. I could honestly say it stems from a lack of fortune telling.]

When I say "fortune telling", I'm not referring to crystal balls and reading of palms. I think every woman reaches a pivotal moment in her relationship when she is forced to reevaluate - "Is this relationship going in a positive or negative direction"? I have often told my friends (the ones in unhealthy relationships), "Imagine yourself in this same predicament ... three years from now. Five years from now. Seven. Can you deal with the tears and headache that long?" Honestly, the years can pass in a blink of the eye when you are too busy being emotionally abused, cheated on, and lied to. Before you know it, you are waist deep in a dangerous relationship that you cannot escape. It's SO easy to get there.

I don't know why young women think that their insecurities are simply something that they will "grow out of". Insecurities, untreated, can grow into a cancerous virus that ruins your life. Basketball Wives, Housewives of New Jersey/Beverly Hills/New York/Chino..whatever... they're all examples of people who have let their insecurities get a hold of them. They're all examples of women who let men manipulate those insecurities to get what they wanted. Insecurities - your face, your smarts, your circumstances, your lack of financial stability, whatever. Each one of those women reached a crossroad when they could have left or stayed. They stayed, blinked, and ended up in detrimental, ten year + relationships... without love, without commitment, without confidence. In fact, it seems like the only time these women are sure of themselves is when they're fighting out of embarrassment or crying out of shame.

One of the best feelings in the world is having a guy look at you like he understands and appreciates who you are. One of the worst feelings is seeing the same guy look at you like your interchangeable. Don't become so addicted to the first feeling that you ignore the latter. When you do that, you forget what you deserve and become accustomed to taking what you can get. 'Tis all.

..because a bird pooped on my leg when i was 8 & i never bounced back.

where do insecurities come from?
i know we all claim to be confident and secure in who we are .. and we ride clouds & grant three wishes & other ridiculous claims to fame.
nevertheless, we ALL have insecurities.
even the "coolest", "socialite-est", most attractive people have moments when they feel like losers.
even more so, we have little insecurities because of the lives we live when no one is around. 

it's hard to feel glamorous when you're on the toilet. (just stating the facts.)
it's hard to feel cool when you're at home & you accidentally walk into a wall lol.
dancing in front of the mirror naked or daydreaming about a crush are things that no one else gets to see.
yet and still, singing off-key in the shower OR messing up the lyrics to rap songs are the pinnacle of one's soul !
waiting anxiously on someone's text message.
the right boob thats bigger than the left.
the exes that we're not over.
the abuse we try to tune out.
the scars cover with make-up.

these nuances are at the core of each and every one of us . unfortunately, some people are ashamed of these kinks. they want to be manikins - made of plastic and perfection. NO SUCH THING.
our embarrassing and/or raw moments and thoughts are the things that humble us all the same. so the next time you're at home and fall down the stairs or pick your nose... realize that it's all about character building.

p.s. that little bundle of joy on ely's forehead is helga. yeaup, we named her. 

gold-platted bottle caps .

a foreword : i do not mean to offend anyone . in the same breath, i DO NOT care who i offend with this post . i am simply observing & writing . feel free to disagree or agree, but either way ...it's gettin' posted lol .

INSECURE (adj): Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety .

insecurity is an ugly word that no one wants to admit to themselves . unfortunately, this word is primarily associated with women . women are the ones who cry at night about the weight they have gained . women are the ones who say twisted things like, "what does she have that i don't have?!" however, if you think those are the only things that constitute insecurity, you are devastatingly mistaken my friend .

men's insecurity is also revolting . men who verbally abuse their women to make themselves feel superior. men who cheat because they're scared of getting cheated on . men who brag about their sexual activity to their friends . even worse, the men who LIE to their friends about the sex they get . (BTW, just because you get a lot of sex ... that does NOT mean that you were good . i have heard many of women laugh about guys and their lack of skill and/or equipment, eek) . nevertheless. there are two subtle, but VITAL types of insecurities that people have ...in both genders :

$$ : before our race, our school, our frats/sororities, and our popularity ... we are a soul . that's the rawest thing that we have about ourselves . . our soul is the thing that we are born with, but also the most easily-influenced thing . many people are so unsatisfied with their true personality .. therefore, they paper mache it with money . layer after layer, they lay label after label until they don't have to face who they are . don't get me wrong, fashion is cool & nothings wrong with wanting to look good . however, everyone knows "that someone" who has nothing better to talk about but their clothes & shoes & money they made , smh .

♥ ♥ ♥ : relationships are meant to be used for an exclusive bond, not as validation . there are so many men and women who NEED to be in relationships to make them feel worthwhile . they need to prove to the world (or perhaps just themselves) that they are wanted and needed by someone else . you know the type: they constantly slip from one relationship into another, into the next ...sometimes the relationships even overlap lmbo . & these relationships dont mean shxt , they're just place fillers . they cant face being alone because that would force them to face a mirror , to depend on no one but themselves . fact: the ultimate validation is God .

we all have insecurities ... BUT don't let them drive your life into ground . watch yourself .