h e a v y .

-- i promised myself that life is my oyster & i would not "tippey toe" through life. therefore, im open:

"it's the first of the monnnnnnnnth" - bone thugs voice .

it is the first day of december, but also ... my first semester of junior year is coming to a close . i have such ambivalent feelings i must say. on one hand, this has been the second hardest time of my life ; i never understood "financial woes" until this semester . i never felt SO alone -3,000 miles away from home and on your own can do that- and helpless. my classes were kicking my butt and i was challenged in an entirely new way . tears, frustration, but most importantly a new found faith, dependence, and yielding to God were found in these past couple of months .

i pulled some VERY positive things from this semester as well . i didnt know i had so much "fighter" in me . finding resources, praying&meditation, dismissing sleep and trying to find peace with wounds . i also have to shout out some amazing friends who were there for me when i needed it the most -- prayers, a place to crash, gas money, and resources [: oh, i am smarter . like, i can feel my brain growing inside of my head ! (okay, im lying lmao ... but i am encouraged to learn more)& try new things .

but there are incomplete parts and even though I KNOW what they are, im not ready to come to terms with them because im scared, powerless and frustrated in that realm of circumstance . i guess it shows - i have not packed my suitcase and i don't even know how long i want to be home ... for once, i have detached feelings about california . brazy, i know lol . past winter breaks have had different tints attached and this one is ... empty . life is so 'up in the air' now and im staying busy all the time ... i just wish i could say it was for the "right" reasons . one drop of advice: try not to base your life decisions on inferences of other people. sometimes that gamble is too much ...

...to be continued

** on a lighter note, pick up my "seven signs of a creeper" article in the spelman spotlight ! :)

No comments:

Post a Comment