i went to lunch with some friends. We talked and ate. A spiritual advisor of mine was talking to me about being "luke warm" for Christ and about the conscious decision to live completely for God. Then, she talked about Matthew 7:13-14:
"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."
she said, "in a dream i imagined the wide gate to be a mouth with no teeth. a wide mouth that ate people and grew the more people walked into it." then she explained that the dreamt the narrow road was a thin pathway with ropes on both sides... it was so thin in fact that you had to walk literally one foot in front of the other and keep your balance. the ropes were so thin that you had to take off any backpacks or baggage in order to get through... but it led to an unspeakably joyful life.
A holy lifestyle is a constant battle every, single day. my friend told me that she was living a lifestyle that she wasnt proud of before she became saved. she said, "God chooses some of the most unique people to teach the word of God. I go into plenty of churches and people think i shouldnt be there, but they cant deny that im called by God when i speak."
Then i thought about you. She could see it in me, i could tell. i tried to shake it out of my mind because it would be difficult for me, considering. & i didnt think i was the person to tell you (i mean, who am i?); but something came over me and i became teary eyed and haunted by the subject constantly. Something in my mind & heart kept saying, "this is for you to tell him... this is for you to tell him" and it's still stuck with me. i may not be the person that you want to hear this from but i know it will not get off of me until i say it:
YOU, yes you...
you KNOW what God has for you to do- what you were called to do and you cannot fight it forever. Some of the most shy, and inexperienced people were called by God to help others and you have to accept this. If you don't, it will be difficult, trying, and there will be this unexplainable empty feeling. Do not be discouraged. I know you are young, but so what. You have to choose a side and take a leap of faith , because the borderline is no place for a person like you. God wants either all of it or none of it, you're too valuable to not fulfill your purpose. People will listen, you can save lives.
i hope you can do something with that... put aside everything and listen.