three questions.

[I asked my twitter followers for blog post suggestions. Here was one: How do you know when you are ready to date?]

Well, I am far from a relationship expert. However, i do believe that there are three questions that everyone should ask themselves before hopping into a relationship:

My first question is: Are you confident enough to date someone?

Often times, people look for a counterpart who will compensate for their flaws. For example, lets say Tanisha (random name, I know) is beautiful, outgoing, brilliant, and extremely insecure. She is hoping that her next boyfriend will give her confidence. He cannot do that because ultimately, he has nothing to do with her insecurities. All of his compliments, pampering, and attention cannot feed the beast that is her inner doubt. Paranoia, worry, anxiety, and jealousy will get the best of Tanisha, regardless of the man she’s dating. you have to date someone with the intent of complementing one another, not completing them.

I have dated men in the past that punished me because of their insecurities. They accused me of things or acted out because they assumed that I would get “bored” or “tired” of them. It was a classic “hurt them before they can hurt me”. Now, if they knew me at all, they would have known that I do not cheat – simply because I would never want to inflict that pain. Regardless of how many times I attempted to reassure them, they could not see me- they could only see a reflection of the men they were not. Make sure you are confident enough to date someone… especially in an era when people are more social, desperate, bold, despicable, and morally confused.

My second question is: Are you humble enough to date someone?

I know this question may seem out of place, but humility is just as important as confidence. It takes a humble heart to listen with open ears. It takes a sense of humility to admit that you are wrong- to put your pride and ego to the side for another person. Vanity, narcissism, and arrogance are not attractive ... in fact, they’re too transparent to even be interesting. Sometimes, it can pleasantly surprise the person you date when you ask, “How are you feeling about us?” It implies that their perspective MATTERS. It implies that there are two people in the relationship.

Third question: Do you know what you want?

This answer is not crystal clear for everyone. A wise man once asked me, “What do you NOT want?” and I was so flustered because I had not prepared that answer haha. Nevertheless, sometimes, understanding your deal breakers will help to weed out the frogs from the princes. If you are the “list type” and you want to write down the things you want, I suggest that you write eternal things first and physical things last. That, my friends, will also be your order of importance when dating. If you do not know what youre looking for...how will you know when you've found it?

ehh. but hey, what do i know?

thank God for nagging sisters.

I read a twitter post today that said, "Don't Wait. The time will never be just right. - Napoleon Hill". 

Now, I have no clue if Napoleon Hill really said those words (we love to treat twitter like a scholarly source) but I DO know that the tweet hit home for me. Just two days ago, one of my strongly-opinionated (but loving) friends berated me on the phone. She was telling me that i cannot wait for "perfect timing" because there is no such thing. I listened half way with my eyes rolling and then realized that I was definitely waiting for something that was not coming - a euphoric circumstance. That, my friends, is when your soul, mind, heart, circumstances, relationships, career, familial situation, and finances are all in the perfect place. This is when you have all of the answers, all of the time, and all of the security that you can possibly have in every aspect of your life - forever. Yeah, that doesn't exist. We are often times waiting for the "perfect circumstantial bus" to pick us up ...and well ... we'll be waiting at that bus stop all day.

It kind of reminds me of diving into a pool of cold water. You stand there, impatiently. You anticipate how cold it's going to be and you think that if you wait long enough then the water will "magically" become room temperature. You even go far enough to dip your toe in the water (and nine times out of ten, this makes things worse). The only solution is to jump in the pool and test things out. If it's freezing, then you will wade around in the pool and get adjusted. Our minds can be our biggest handicaps at times. 

So, while my friend is badgerring me about the things that i put off, I listen as humbly as I can without arguing back (lol). She was right, though (and loving). Waiting for the perfect circumstance will have you waiting forever. Besides, a lot of the time, success comes to us during the times when we are outside of our comfort zone. Sometimes, we simply have to dive in. 

finding your inner fortune teller.

[So, I'm sitting here watching "Tough Love: New Orleans". Their exes were reintroduced and these women didn't know how to react. One woman hides in her closet, having a panic attack. Another woman allows her ex to come back and make her feel insecure about her looks .. again. It made me wonder how these middle-aged women ended up this way. I could honestly say it stems from a lack of fortune telling.]

When I say "fortune telling", I'm not referring to crystal balls and reading of palms. I think every woman reaches a pivotal moment in her relationship when she is forced to reevaluate - "Is this relationship going in a positive or negative direction"? I have often told my friends (the ones in unhealthy relationships), "Imagine yourself in this same predicament ... three years from now. Five years from now. Seven. Can you deal with the tears and headache that long?" Honestly, the years can pass in a blink of the eye when you are too busy being emotionally abused, cheated on, and lied to. Before you know it, you are waist deep in a dangerous relationship that you cannot escape. It's SO easy to get there.

I don't know why young women think that their insecurities are simply something that they will "grow out of". Insecurities, untreated, can grow into a cancerous virus that ruins your life. Basketball Wives, Housewives of New Jersey/Beverly Hills/New York/Chino..whatever... they're all examples of people who have let their insecurities get a hold of them. They're all examples of women who let men manipulate those insecurities to get what they wanted. Insecurities - your face, your smarts, your circumstances, your lack of financial stability, whatever. Each one of those women reached a crossroad when they could have left or stayed. They stayed, blinked, and ended up in detrimental, ten year + relationships... without love, without commitment, without confidence. In fact, it seems like the only time these women are sure of themselves is when they're fighting out of embarrassment or crying out of shame.

One of the best feelings in the world is having a guy look at you like he understands and appreciates who you are. One of the worst feelings is seeing the same guy look at you like your interchangeable. Don't become so addicted to the first feeling that you ignore the latter. When you do that, you forget what you deserve and become accustomed to taking what you can get. 'Tis all.

Dear Future Spelmanite,

Do not run for the hills. This atmosphere takes adjustment. I moved from the sunshine and comfort of California to the humidity and culture shock of Atlanta. The first month or so, I wanted to go home. Everyone calling me their "sister" seemed so disingenuous. Believe me, you will gain SISTERS here as long as you remain genuine. It may seem like a new world. Nevertheless, the most growth occurs when you are out of your comfort zone. Do not stay crammed in your room (unless you are studying). Go out. Meet people. Try new things. See the city.

Get Internships.

Apply for Scholarships.

Call your parents to confirm that you’re alive.

Call grandparents …they send money.

Pray.

Study Abroad.

Never accept “No”. The school has the money- find it. If they do not want to, make them. You deserve Spelman and make them know it.

Do not chase "hype". A lot of times, people come into the AUC looking for the popularity that they did not acquire in high school. This is college. If you thought high school was ruthless, you were only in the minor leagues. People have sharper tongues in college. People have more creative ways to hate on you in college. Hype is short-lived and disloyal. Instead, find friends who could care LESS about campus drama and "fame"(if you will). Find sisters who are too busy trying to save the world. Societal superheroes are cooler than “college prom queens”.

Go to a Beer Bash.

Go to a pageant.

Go to a park.
Go to Merkerson's. 

Go to Founder’s Day.

PRAY.

Go to a Chapel Service.
Go to Sporting Events.

You are the perfect coal. (lol) I know it does not sound that glamorous to be considered a coal, but don’t underestimate the power of coal. We all aspire to be diamonds, but that occurs after immense time and pressure. Before you reach such a high stature, you need to use your circumstances to light a fire in your community. Ignite passion amongst your fellow sisters. Whether it be through activism, politics, spirituality, dance, science, or mentorship – nothing is wrong with doing the niddy-griddy work of a coal. Before you know it, you will be a Diamond Girl (50+ year alumnae of Spelman College).

Mentor someone. Yes, you are of age.

Protect your name; people would love to throw it in the mud .

Engage yourself in dialogue.

You are beautiful.

Cause awkward, controversial silences in class.

Pray.

In college, your greatest asset will not be your AP classes, your interpersonal skills, your popular boyfriend, your big chest, your greek affiliation or even your parent’s influence. In college, your triple threat will be God, God, and God. Morehouse men and Spelman women tend to get their minds steadfast on being “renaissance men and women”. While that is admirable, some students treat “religion” as one thing on their resume to appear “well-rounded”. Your relationship with God is more than that. It will keep you grounded to your beginning and it will be the catalyst toward your future. Create and nourish a GENUINE bond and dependency on God. 

Class of ... 2016? (i felt so old saying that), Welcome to Spelman. Congratulations. 

All of My Love,

Stevi Renee

letter to my unborn daughter

to my heiress of the throne,

understand that being a Queen implies that others will want you to fall . never give into the gallows of insecure men who try to behead you and rid you of your mind. plant your thoughts into ripened soil and let your ideas flourish. little boys are intimidated by a strong mind, but sturdy men will appreciate one. 

never be ashamed of your emotions. society will suggest that they make you weak, rid you of your strength. false, your majesty. harness your feelings and channel them into expression. nothing is wrong with a sense of humanity. be careful because wild, uncultivated emotions can shake the tectonic plates in your relationships and life. instead, throw your emotions into the air -sparking salt into the bland world around you.  

Maya Angelou said, "Does my sexiness upset you?/ Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I've got diamonds/ At the meeting of my thighs?" my child, you have diamonds ! & NEVER let a man or woman depreciate the value of them. what they do with their coal is their business.  you are so much more than breasts, thighs, and ass. and if you so happen to stump your toe on a man worthy of your treasure, make sure he has the patience, endurance, and focus to dig for the reward that is you .

laugh. play. cry. hug. kiss. think. hard. interior design the outside world as if it were your own, lush living room. protect & provide for the ones you care for when others fall short. never cut the umbilical cord that connects you to your spirituality. speak to God and listen for the response. strip yourself of sticky facades. go barefoot. go naked, but stay strapped for war. my love, ak-47s won't be enough to equip you for the internal battle of life; if you're confused ... i'll be sure to place Ephesians 6:10 underneath your pillows.

i'm not sure if you will be pushed from my womb or pulled out from the ink of adoption papers, but i love you, unconditionally. my daughter ... you are woman, let them hear you roar.