a letter to my sister.

Dear Sam,
It's day number three. or four. i'm losing count of days
and tears.
and convulsions of the heart.
but you understand, right? remember when you found out about your friend who passed? and you cried in the middle of campus? i looked at you like a mad woman , did you notice? probably not.

that was so YOU- not to care. and i love you for that.

you always told me the truth, unless of course you were scared of my 'mother-like' death stare.
you always gave the best advice. you knew me better than myself at times, especially with guys.
oh, the guys. our "guys" woes. after woe. woah;
you were always too good for all of them. none of them could have handled your light, the glare.
you were a peacock amongst mere pigeons. we simply were not worthy of your vibrancy.

but sis, im nauseous.
im held in bondage by thoughts of your absence at my wedding, my college graduation, your absence in next week's phone call about life, boys, and God.
im sweating; trying to scratch myself out of this mental imprisonment -
steel bars blocking my concentration
and concrete, heavy moments trying to say the word 'funeral' or refer to you in past tense.

But that's not what this letter is about. It is to let you know that you were among soldiers.
your friends and family are fighters & we will make it through this time.
we will protect your legacy against the fraudulent and time.
Sis, you will never lose love here. Sis, you will always be remembered. here.

right here.

     and here.
                                                  and here.
and here.
                           and right here.


  1. Stevi I prayed for you and hoped your number would pop up somewhere. I wanted to call and still will but until then I want to let you know I'm praying for all of you. I know losing a friend and sister is painful and the way the news spread was crazy. I really really hope you're finding the positives in this like you always do. I talked to Daren on the day she passed and wasn't bold enough to just ask for your number. But what a call couldn't bring, I hope these words bring you some sense of comfort. You were a great friend of hers and although she may be gone physically I know part of you will keep her presence living throughout your life. You have to remember that as much as we're holding our heads down crying she is looking down on us so when you can look up and smile for her. It was a lost for all of us who knew her. Stay strong, and pray about it all. Love you Stevi

  2. thanks for the prayers and ultimately the concern Henry. i dont need you to feel any obligations or anything, this comment in itself is really thoughtful. You and i both know that i refuse to let life knock me down ... at least for good anyway & my love for Sam is keeping me inspired and encouraged. thanks again for reaching out.

  3. No obligation... I haven't forgotten who you are as a person, you're welcome though.

  4. simply amazing Stevi. you are truly gifted with words. i feel like i knew her, simply from this love letter to her. i'm sure she was amazing. you know i'm praying for you, and she's with the big man above, how amazing is that? she officially knows what God looks like, feels like, and who he is. i'm sure Adrienne welcomed her to Heaven. stay strong, stay with your focus on God.
    -- Monica (Carpenter lol)

  5. thanks so much monica :)
    just the idea of sam being out of pain & in the presence of God brings ease to my spirit. love you! thanks.