9.21.2012

Bridging the Infidelity Gaps.


I was sitting at a bar Wednesday night with some friends. We began to discuss the perimeters of love. “Can you even define love,” my friend said. As I suppressed the urge to quote (the very cliché) 1 Corinthians “Love is patient, love is kind…”, we stumbled across infidelity. Can you cheat on someone that you truly love? Can you cheat on them numerous times if you truly love them? Needless to say, the conversation was very heated.


Personally, I believe that we all fall short at times. We disappoint our family and friends- even though we love them. Hell, we definitely disappoint ourselves (the person we tend to love the most). During the conversation, a particular point stood out to me: Men are logical creatures, not emotional. We don’t look at sex as an emotional thing. We know we want it, we go after it. “PRETTY GIRL. WHAT GIRLFRIEND? ME CHEAT. ARGGGG.” If, in fact, men are simply chimpanzees with careers and iphone 5s then I plead insanity.  I refuse to believe that men are that painfully simple and/or mentally retarded. If a man's girlfriend never crosses his mind, then that is a bigger issue in itself.

I do, however, believe that men and women tend to see cheating differently. So, for all of the men who claim that they do not understand what the big “whoop” is with infidelity, let me paint a picture. When a woman is in love with you and you cheat on her:


She literally feels like an eighteen-wheeler truck is sitting on her chest. She feels like she was hugging, kissing, confiding in, and laughing with a serial killer. She thinks you are a stranger now, “How can someone be so dishonest and despicable?” She is humiliated that another woman can brag about the fact that she had you. She will regret all of the times that she was proud to show you off to her family and friends. She will feel weak. She will be mad at you because you ruined the trust. You did the unthinkable. Who’s to say the sky won’t fall again? She will mentally replay all of the times that you said she could "trust you". Now, all of her hopes for the relationship are tainted with a murky, grey film of betrayal, dishonesty, and coldness. Psh, I can’t even begin to explain how she’ll feel if you two are having sex (which 8 times out of 10, you are).] She will feel like she lost her best friend. 


Uncle Ben (Peter Parker’s uncle, not the man on the rice box) said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” You can no longer claim that you are ignorant to the effects of your infidelity. Now that you know what cheating will do to your girlfriend (or boyfriend), you have to evaluate if you could do that to someone you truly love.  I think the basis of true, authentic love is the quality of selflessness. Your needs become their needs and you develop an innate desire to protect the other person. Personally, I don’t think that you can continuously cheat on a person that you truly love.

But hey, what do I know? What do you think?

4 comments:

  1. Honestly I largely agree with you, but I feel that there are a couple of things that girls should be aware of. For men everywhere and just to play devil’s advocate there are some cold hard facts about love and relationships that I think are oversimplified. I know this is going to be a huge but (I’m talking Kim K size) but bear with me. It’s true that men are logical creatures, but we are also sometimes more emotional than you are. Yes, I said it. Indeed, there are men who can have casual sex without thinking about it, but there are also women who can do the same. Those people are definitely the extremities and don’t represent the majority of daters. When a man is honest to goodness “sho-nuff” in love with a woman, it’s seriously a scary sight to behold. No, he’s not a monster, but he’s just more vulnerable than he has ever been. For men, vulnerable = death…...well……kinda. This takes me to my main point. Men that cheat when they are in love are either not being respected as they wish in the relationship or fundamentally insecure. Put simply, by nature love is not a “manly thing”. Everything about it is largely rejected in the man’s world, especially the black male’s world. Ex) “ We don’t love these hoes” “love her and leave her” Guys in love are often depicted as soft, missing out on all the fun, and in worst cases being tricked by women. The same can’t exactly be said about the opposite sex. This is even worse for the African American male because during slavery we were literally used as breeders. Once we impregnated the female we were torn away from them and forbidden to marry. That particular slave mentality along with many other things has carried over onto modern times (sorry, had to go there). Now, I said all that for one reason. When a man is in love much of his machismo and dominance is out the window, and when things aren’t going the way he envisions the (insecure) man lashes out. Instead of crying, telling all his friends, drinking wine and watching sad romantic comedies (I think I contradicted myself…ohwell) he does what men do. Finds someone one that will build up his ego, and more often than not it’s a loose girl who will make him feel like he is God again. This is also why 90% of the women most men cheat with are not as attractive or intellectually strong as the one in the relationship. Before love, men want to be respected. That is just the way we are built. A man can be in love but if that woman makes him feel less than a man there is pretty good chance he will look for that respect else ware. I also agree with you that in life things happen, and as young adults we are all learning exactly what it means to be monogamous. I have never personally slept with another woman while I’ve had a girlfriend, but I can’t say that I haven’t been tempted either. It’s truthfully about being equally yoked because if college has taught me anything, it’s that people’s standard for relationships are quite varied. Great Post, hope to see more like these!

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  2. Im so happy that you said this. I know, for a fact, that men can be just as emotionally invested (or sensitive) as women. It's unfortunate that men frown upon that because it isn't a "bad" thing. I just think that some men use their "logical creature" excuse when it's convenient. It's an easy way to play ignorant to their accountability. Thanks for reading! and thanks for posting :)

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