What Men Want.

[In 2010, I wrote a blog segment entitled "What Women Want". I started by asking women what they wanted from men and the feedback in my inbox was crazy. A male friend of mine asked, "Can we get a chance to say what we want?" Of course I had to oblige and their responses were very insightful. Needless to say, I am doing it again. This time, I'm letting the men go first. I asked a few choice men what they looked for in women and here are their responses:]

Ryan, 22:

"I prefer a woman who loves God, keeps up her appearance, can socialize with many different types of people, encourages me, has drive, and just has an open mind. I like women that like to go out and be social ... without having a rep (if you know what I mean)."




Lance, 21: 

"My ideal potential mate is not one who completes me, or some cliché and romanticized idea. Since I’m tasked with describing her, my ideal mate is content in her ideal contentment, supportive, flexible, but certain of at least certain aspects of her personality. She is witty enough to appreciate varied humor and doesn’t trifle a great deal with foolish pursuits. She is a woman who can just as easily seriously discuss a political issue as she can satirize it into laughter. A character from the 2009 Woody Allen film Whatever Works says, “In the end, the romantic aspirations of our youth are reduced to whatever works.” I can ultimately try to create a prototype, but I’ll fail. I’m not perfect, so I’ll seek the woman that works for me."




Deonta', 21:
"- Natural Beauty (If we wake up in the morning, will you still be beautiful?)

- Confession: I'm at boob man..nice boobs won't hurt..haha. However, a really cute face can substitute for almost anything
- a girl on the slimmer side (just being real)..if you marry a woman who is thick and has your kids, she's going to be fat..just saying
- I love a woman who has REALISTIC goals for her future!
- Whats your track record? (I can't date a slut)
- I hate LOUD girls!! But don't be shy..find a happy medium
- smoking is cool for now..well not really..you can't smoke..not acceptable for wifey
- good hygiene (this is a must..I love my women to smell like fruit or something)
- I love women who can hold conversations (I hate being the only one talking)"



Mike, 23: 
"I love a woman who can make me laugh, not just a woman with a sense of humor. A woman with a job (cause just like women hate broke niggas, we have broke chicks too). She doesn't have to be super religious but have faith ... and a pretty smile gets me every time. And one whose goals are similar to mine, so intelligence is necessary."












Daren, 22:
"The older we get, the more mature we get. Two years ago when we had this discussion, I wanted nothing more than a relationship without being confined to the conditions of a relationship. I wanted consistent sex without having to allocate 70% of my time to a woman. Two years prior to that, I was in high school where having a girlfriend was just the cool thing to do, so I jumped into relationship after relationship knowing there was no real potential. Now that I’m approaching 23, I’ve realized that there’s really no point in committing unless I’m certain she’s the one. Meaning, if she doesn’t meet all of my qualifications, I won’t settle. Looks good, gets along with my guy friends (but doesn’t cross the line of getting too close), and has a great personality; However, if she has no career goals, no education, and wants to work retail at Forever 21 all her life? Ha. Why waste 6 months of my life leading someone on knowing all the while that she’s not the woman I want a future with? Hey, at least I’m honest. I’m very blunt with women about what my expectations are- whether it just be sex, companionship, or a pretty young thang to look good on my arm at company events."

Anier, 22 :

"She has to be attractive, fun, intelligent, cultured, and most importantly righteous. She also has to be loyal."

Wayne, 23: 
"Being nice to look at is nice and all, but it goes beyond that. Intelligence is first and foremost. If we can't converse ...then not in her dreams. A good sense of humor: I can't be the stand up comic in the relationship, she has to make me laugh too. She has to be a little gangsta- meaning she's not taking my BS along with anyone else's. She needs to be comfortable with herself. The norm: faithful, freak, nice to look at and can function with the homies."




Muhammad, 22:

"The first thing men look for in women regardless of any other attributes is beauty and outward appearance. Every man has his own conception of beauty but there has to be something that catches our eye physically first. My anthropology professor called it good symmetry, in which I totally agree. I think next comes personality. Is she down to earth? Is she stuck up? Is she the crazy type? Personally, I look for women who are down to earth, have a sense of humor, and overall compatible, less confrontation is key. Can she hold a conversation? Or is it get a few irrelevant sentences out, break out the awkward laugh and look down at my pocket to pull my phone out. Next, I look for music preferences. Having a women not only like the same music you like and also putting you on to new music and different genres and vise versa is considered a blessing in this day and age lol. I look for independence and interdependence, so that we both can trust and need each other. Men want a woman who is comfortable with her own sexuality. I look for a woman who knows her own mind, and stays true to herself. Finally yet importantly, she has to have faith in a higher power."


Steve, 22: 

"I'm looking for in a woman, what a woman looks at when she sees me. An old soul with youthful tendencies. Someone who loves living, yet respects life. A woman who listens before talking and seeks to understand before passing judgment. A woman of empathy and compassion. A woman strong enough to help me carry my cross, yet humble enough to let me help carry hers. Beautiful. Intelligent. Kind. It's seem like so much, yet I expect so little. I have found few who live up to what I want in a woman, but I know they are out there. I'm 22. I'm in NY. And I'm looking for you."

black sexual politics

[Ha. I went to another forum (i know, i know). The men of Morehouse were charged to read a book: Black Sexual Politics: African Americans, Gender and the New Racism by Patricia Hill Collins. Furthermore, the men were asked to go even further than read the text. They engaged in a discussion about black masculinity and implications this may have on black women.]

Honestly, i was impressed. Although i did not necessarily agree with all of the comments, it was refreshing to see that some men are seriously considering their place in society. Even more refreshing was the fact that these men were participating in a dialogue to mend unhealthy African American relationships. Too many times, men opt for the ignorance- perhaps to dodge accountability. My grandmother told me, "Stevi, the more wisdom God blesses you with, the more responsibility you are burdened with."

There was one point that i really had to spread on my blog. We were discussing "healthy relationships" and what it means to break the vicious cycle of violence and hyper-masculinity. Someone made this point:

A lot of times, we see our broken and dysfunctional families and think, "I have to be better than that." Rightfully so. However, we need to do more than that. We need to seek out what a healthy relationship actually is. Just because we push ourselves to do better than our predecessors does not mean that we have pushed ourselves far enough. For example, maybe you saw your mother being physically abused by your father. You tell yourself that you will never lay hands on a woman. However, you verbally and mentally abuse your wife because you do not understand that a relationship is made up of so many dimensions. You cannot see where you went wrong.

To be frank, we need to start mulling over some of these ideologies and relationships. They are killing us.

how to raise a son in the midst of quicksand .

[I attended another forum at Morehouse about dating and domestic violence yesterday. I am accustomed to the back and forth and back and forth about "exclusivity" ... but the domestic violence portion caught me completely off guard.]

While the men were tip-toeing around the issue of domestic violence and abuse, the women were more vocal...in an unconventional way. A lot of women said that a woman should expect to be hit back if she hits a man first. While that comment was unconventional, i could almost understand the logic. So, i kept listening. Finally, a young lady said, "If a little girl hit my son, i would teach him to hit her back." Excuse my french, but i almost shit myself. & with that being said, i bring you this:

I WILL NOT allow my son to hit any female. ever. My son will understand that he is blessed with physical strength that is meant for lifting up and not tearing down. Biologically, most men are stronger than women and he will understand that he has a social responsibility to treat all women with respect, even when they do not deserve it. Living a full and gracious life is not about that seven year old girl with the pigtails in her head. No, it is about MY son and his understanding of SELF CONTROL.

He will understand that the true makings of a man lie in his understanding of responsibility, accountability, and self control. He will be responsible and accountable for his own actions. He will learn to excrete patience and control over his actions. If he decides that he will react out of anger and bitterness, then his progress (or lack there of) in highschool, college, and the workplace will be a reflection of that. I understand that the little girl with pigtails could easily be a loud mouthed mother of two kids. Neither of the two women will be slapped, kicked, punched, or verbally abused by my son. 

Ultimately, my son will understand that he is not putting his hands on a woman- not because she is a woman, but because she is a human. We have come too far to use violence as a means of resolution and my son will not need violence and hyper-masculinity to feel confident about himself. We (his mother and father) will instill that with substantial things. My son will use his power and strength to help, motivate, inspire, lead, and/or serve. He will not use said strength to hurt people. Some traditional views are traditional for a reason, and i will not gamble with my future son's integrity on the basis of trying to be "unconventional". So, NO... my son will not be pounding his fists into little girls.


Hmph ... over my dead body (and the ghostly corpses of victims passed).

Top 5 reasons why we shouldn't have to pay at the club.

the 5 reasons:

1. high heels & dresses. im pretty sure Lucifer created these things in his kitchen. men claim to LOVE women in high heels. so, we strap on these towering monstrosities and hope we don't tumble to our fate, break our ankles, or stepping on innocent bystander toes. - while simultaneously trying to breathe in our skintight apparel. 

2. waxing. women have a lot in common with poultry- being plucked, tweezed, poked and waxed ...only to be devoured and unappreciated by their patrons. do you know how EXCRUCIATING a bikini wax is? a Brazilian? eyebrows, underarms, legs, bikini lines, lawd. 

3. hair. don't get me started. - spending an hour on your hair to have it poofed, rugged, smoke infested, or soggy (from alcoholic beverages) by the end of the night. bleh.

4. hands&feet. i DO believe that hands and feet should be taken care of. however, i usually hear this critique from men with thee nastiest, slimiest, dirtiest nails alive (and i say "alive" because i would imagine that bacteria is living underneath the surface).

5. expenses. between the expenses of hair ($50-$400), mani/pedis ($30-$50), waxing (approximately $40-$50), and shoes (duh) ... we have paid for a years' worth of club entry fees. 

so, stop throwing shade on the females who get into the clubs, parties, and lounges for free. they pay for it in maintenance fees and physical inconvenience. the next time you see a girl at the club scowling .. it's probably because she's about to fall apart at any moment lol.

kissing the mist .

A friend of mine tweeted me saying, "I'm trying to decipher if the search [for the one] is worth the reward."

Imagine:
Having someone you could tell everything to. EVERYTHING- your biggest inhibitions, funny stories, fears, secrets, and dreams being lifted up into the ears of a person who nourished those things like a newborn child. You'd have someone who cherished those facts and kept them locked in a secret vault behind their hearts. Just imagine finding someone who opens their soul to you with a "welcome" sign- a person offering you a hiding place ... in themselves.


“Love is like the sea. It's a moving thing, but still and all, it takes its shape from the shore it meets, and it's different with every shore. ”  ― Zora Neale Hurston

Imagine:
Having a person who tells you the truth, even when it hurts. That woman/man who tells you that: you can do better, you can be greater, your outfit is unflattering, you need to make amends, you stink, you're gaining weight. you need someone who will drive the get-a-way car. you find a person whose opinion- no matter how brash, bitter, loud, or abrasive- is given with soft, humble, and sweet love.


“When peoples care for you and cry for you, they can straighten out your soul.” - Langston Hughes


We just want somebody to hold us down. we just want someone who has an ounce of selflessness left in their veins. secretly, we look to the sky, praying for a drop of decency and honesty in mankind. we want the person who stops the chaotic wars surrounding us and a person that transcends the petty things. we want a peace of mind .. incarnate. to my friend, anything of true substance and eternal nature is worth fighting for, worth searching for. 

put a ring on it ... or else.

[ i attended a forum about relationships, sex, and violence at Morehouse last week. We hurried into a classroom, flooded with students from Morehouse, Spelman, and Clark Atlanta University. While men and women battled back and forth about the dynamics of relationships and sex, i listened. ]

We were discussing the validity of the title "boyfriend/girlfriend". A lot of ladies said that they wanted a title. A lot of the men were saying that they did NOT need a title- feeling as though the title is used to merely appease the people outside of the relationship. A girl (with extremely intense eyes) raised her hand and expressed that --> dating a girl without the intention of commitment is disrespectful. She said she needed a respectful man and also stated that certain things regarding dating are just "common sense".

Let me first and foremost say that i see the validity of a relationship (they can be beautiful unions). But right then and there, I saw a piece of me in that girl- a naive piece. When i was in high school (and the beginning of college), i said that i wanted a guy with common sense. i realized a few years later that i was living in a euphoric state of mind. when it comes to relationships, "COMMON SENSE" does not exist.

For example,Some girls said they would leave if a guy did not "make it official" in 6 months. Another girl said 3 months. One girl leaned over to me and said, "nah, if he doesn't know in 2 months ... I'm out."And that's all fine. However, it is unfair to just assume that a man would know his "time constraints" ... considering that every one's preferences are different. nothing is "common" about dating. And "respect" is another fluid term. While the young lady thought it was disrespectful to "lead a girl on", some guys refrain from cuffing because they know they are not ready for monogomy. they stay away from the titles ... out of respect for the young lady.

While i listened to the two genders swing rebuttals back and forth, i suddenly realized something: i was siding more with the men than the women. I realized that a lot of women treat the boyfriend/girlfriend title like an "EASY" button from Staples. They think the title will clear up all of the confusion and grey areas about their relationship ... and they're wrong. point. blank. period. A relationship is a different recipe every time- full of unique ingredients (time, place, personality traits, emotional baggage, circumstances). i know people who merely "talk to someone" who have stronger relationships than people with the title. It's about COMMUNICATION. people have so many different expectations in relationships/dating - what constitutes cheating? what is respectful? what are my responsibilities as a bf/gf? are we discrete? to PDA, or not to PDA? While it may seem like common sense, it is NOT. honestly, what's a title if you do not know what it means?

pay attention.

Image. 
Anyone who knows me, knows that i genuinely care about young women and their perception of self. I'm taking an "images of women in the media" course and my professor played this film. It appeals to EVERYONE - women, younger girls, scholars, men (who will have daughters)... everyone. This is just the sneak peak trailer, but you can see the entire thing on youtube (you won't regret it).

touch me, tease me .

"They say that a literary “theme” is supposed to be a commentary on the human condition. Well, I have to admit that I go through life trying to string together the "themes" in life. After tying a few strings together, It astonishes me how people are sincerely surprised when they are approached for the things they flaunt the most."

 Often times, the term “tease” is associated with women.- and rightfully so. As women, we love to feel appreciated. As a result, we often times drive men to insanity with our flirtatious behavior and ambiguous sexual advances. Somehow, we have the audacity to be surprised when we are seen as mere objects. Picture this scenario:  A young lady rummages through her closet for that form-fitting, little black dress. Her boobs are up to her chin and the bottom of the dress hits jussssssst below the curve of her butt. PERFECT. She gets to the club and a guy (surrounded by his friends of course) says, “dammmmmmmn, look at all dat ass.” Of course, she makes a scene and curses him out.

 

Now pause. We constantly bring attention to our bodies in extreme ways and become offended when men react. Do not misunderstand me, he should never grab your ass in the club- that’s reckless, disrespectful and thirsty. However, you cannot show your breasts and thighs and expect a man to wonder about your favorite William Faulkner novel.

Now, men are funny. I scroll on twitter: “it’s money over bxtches”, “Im making my first million by twenty-four”, and “BMF” (blowing money fast). I meet men and they are talking about how much money they are making and bragging about their job offers after school. yes, there is a fine line between taking pride in yourself & BRAGGING. This generation of men is obsessed with flashing money. Nevertheless, as soon as a woman approaches him- in awe of his materialistic possessions- she is a “golddigger”. seriously? Essentially, each and every one of us are brands and your advertising tactics appeal to a targeted demographic. Be real with yourself. I am not saying that men should not strive for nice things. However, if that is what youre promoting then that will yield a certain response.

How can a person of the opposite sex be interested in something that they think is non-existent? If you promote your superficial and shallow values, you will: 1) be treated as such 2) attract the same sort of people.  If you want someone to appreciate your personality, promote the fact that you have one.

so i know it's real.

ahem ahem. You don’t have to tat my name on it. It makes no difference, really.

I know so many people who got it “tatted” and it has absolutely NO significance now. The tattoo could just as easily say, “Kung Pao Chicken”. You can keep that. If it’s “real”, you could try this:

Men, if it’s real, treat a lady with respect ... in all venues and circumstance. There is no use in “treating me like a lady” in person if you’re going to speak reckless of me to your friends. It’s pointless to be respectful on campus and then a douche bag in the club. There is no use in “watching your language around me” if you are calling me out of my name behind closed doors. Real gentlemen would approach a lady with consistent respect, even when she was nowhere to be found. That’s “REAL”.

Ladies, accept that a man has flaws so he knows it’s real. NO man will be equipped with everything you want. A lot of women want a guy who has a beautiful smile, buff arms, extremely keen mind, great sense of humor, poet, skateboarder, athlete, astronaut, left-handed, 6’2, money, with a pet lama. The crazy part is if women actually got "the perfect man", they would probably be too insecure to even be happy. Ladies, we have flaws too. If he can accept that you’re not a beauty queen in the morning, the way you always call during the Cowboys game, or the way you gossip, then you should accept him for him.

Leave the games at home SO I KNOW it’s real. Consider the last conversation you had with someone you’re dating. Why did you say the things you said? Was your friends’ advice clouding your thoughts? Were you afraid of saying too much? Did you wait to send the text or call so you wouldn’t seem “thirsty”? Did you lie about what you were doing or whom you were with? A wise soul recently told me, “If your first move is fake, don’t expect a real reaction.” Even if the other person's response is genuine, it’s only based on something that’s initially false from your end. Take off your cool, so I know it’s real.

You don’t have to tat it. BE REAL so i know it's real.

for that girl in the parking lot ...

Earlier this semester, I was leaving the library and ran into a new friend in the parking lot. I was in a rush to leave for dinner and asked, “Hey, how are you?” in an apathetic way. To my surprise, she had a lot to say. She told me about a guy she was dating. He created elaborate lies to ultimately use her for money, intimacy and most importantly … a lot of time. If that wasn’t bad enough, he spread lies about her around campus. She was clearly humiliated and heartbroken.

To be completely honest, my immediate thought during the story was, “Girl, that was naïve. You should have never took his words at face value.” And for that thought, I must apologize to the young lady if she’s reading. How could I patronize her for having the courage to trust and love whole-heartedly? After all, such trust is damn near impossible to stumble upon these days – like a four-leaf clover, or ... authentic Louis Vuitton. Anyway, this incident got me to thinking …

We live in a very peculiar time. This is a time when “men will be men”, but inversely, women should “know better”.  Women are constantly portrayed as a femme fatale- the woman who lurks in corners, waiting to bring a man down.  For example, if a woman musters up the courage to say she was raped, then she “wanted it” or she has to be “lying”. A girl gets pregnant, and she must've “trapped” him. If a girl is cheated on, society (especially women) chastise her because she should have “known better”. This is so backwards to me.

Yes, this is a peculiar time. This is a time that devalues the work of the mother… as if it is not a full time job to raise children in good health and faith (& Don’t even get me started with the businesswoman/mother – there should be a national holiday for these women). Leave a dad at home with the kids for five hours and he treats them like a grenade ... or rubik’s cubes. Yet, even after a woman commits years to wiping vomit off of her arms, pushing pounds of flesh out of her vagina, cooking meals, and instilling values in the kids, she is expected to turn a blind eye to cheating from her husband? AND if she decides to leave him and gets half, she is immediately deemed a “gold-digger” as if her contribution to the familial empire was non-existent. backwards. 

            Look, this is a post for that girl in the parking lot. Find a man who is honest. I say this with all sincerity. It may sound extremely simplistic but finding an honest man is one of the most complicated and difficult things to do. If a guy read this post and said, “that’s some bullshit” then he’s not ready to accept things truthfully. & What’s scarier than a man who lies to a girl is a man that lies to himself.  If he is real with himself, the ability to accept responsibility and accountability will come. Who he is, what he believes, and how he treats others should all be grounded in honesty. Find that and you have struck gold. 

"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." - Matthew 7:6

why we digg rihanna:

In early romantic & victorian literature, a pleasing woman was tamed, quiet, and ultimately "milk" (void of all flavor and exceptional taste). Even more important, women were unappealing if they had been "vexed" in any type of way.

vexed/Adjective
1. (of a problem or issue) Difficult and much debated; problematic.

any woman who ever came from a dishonorable family. a woman who was missing a mother or father. a woman with an illegitimate birth, or a women who was a victim of abuse.

Rhianna is the anti-woman reincarnate. She breaks the rules in so many ways that you almost have to take her in doses. From her accent to her violent lyrics, she is the epitome of everything that is NON-traditional-eurocentric. She is the voice for any woman who feels like she does not meet the status quo of what it means to be the "perfect woman". Although she is hyper-sexual (which could easily be called an effect of misogynist pressures), she fights through her music. After watching her domestic violence quarrel debut across the world, she made a clear and conscious decision not to be the good girl anymore. consequently, She brings out the dark & "loud" side in the timid & meek girls.

Rhianna is our unconscious, that loud and volatile beast inside of our souls that we're too afraid to unleash.

Rihanna- Man Down

what women want .

"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." -Aristotle

JAMILA SAID, "im twenty years old, and i just want a twenty year old-type relationship . . . not the same one from when i was fourteen ."

TIFF SAID, "all i want is honesty . you can forgive an indiscretion, but not pathelogical lying ."

ELYSSE SAID, "i just wanna get as good as i give ."

FATIMA SAID, " i want a guy with morals and values ..that way we can grow beyond shallow, 'young love'."

MARTEE SAID, "the hell if i know . [pause] i want someone who loves me...more than he loves himself. a dude who can communicate with me as if he were getting paid to do so. someone who takes care of and respects the women in his life. someone who's NOT a quitter and realizes that you can only get as much as you give ."

SAMANTHA SAID, " i should never have to doubt my relationship or doubt that he is doing what he says he is ."

CORT SAID, "respectful . every single day no matter what . i want him to make me feel good even if it's just 'boo, you look beautiful today.'"

LEA SAID, "i want someone who's gunna make we wanna be a better person ."

STEVI SAID, "i want a bestfriend . i want my heart to convulse when i think of him . i want a provider and protector . someone who can provide raw, untamed love, honesty and vulnerability . someone who simply wants to protect me from the world , from pain . it's inevitable to be hurt by the one you love, but i want a guy who tries to treat me like 'fragile cargo' . a guy who can see me at his finish line . . . regardless of the obstacles, past, or hardship . i want a guy who wants me & only me by his bedside ."

the world has discovered a new planet, we have gotten the first black president, we are cloning animals, we have the technology to make people's buttocks bigger . the civil rights movement happened, the haulocast ended, electricity & airplanes were invented .
so much has changed, and yet . . . women still want the same kind of love, smh .

one thousand shades of middle .

i was asked to address: 'black men & women dating outside their race' .

so, is it right for Black men to date white women, latina women, asian women ? Is it right for Black women to do the same ? My answer is simply: mind your own business aha .

It's okay to have a preference when it comes to what youre attracted to. However, it is not okay for people to simply generalize one race over another. For example, i absolutely hate when Black guys say, "I'm done with Black women, all they do is nag and roll theyre eyes and try to rip apart my masculinity." First off, all Black women do not have overbearing attitudes . Secondly, if your 'masculinity' can be so easily ripped to pieces, then perhaps youre not strong enough for that woman anyway . It makes me wonder if there is some self-hatred in affect . Why do some men hate Black women so much ? There mother is Black , there sisters are Black ..can they see no beauty in them ? Is it so wrong for Black women to push their Black men and hold them accountable for their actions ? Honestly, relationships are about a union . . . not a tyrant and a push-over . Black women are strong , no doubt about it . dont down play their worth . BUT , if a man finds a woman that he has a genuine connection with, that makes him feel like he's on top of the world ...and she's white, then SO WHAT . let him be happy, and mind your business .

I hate when Black women complain about Black men, but will not date outside of their race . "Black men do not know how to respect me. They have no ambition. Theyre unfaithful." First of all, that can be said of any ethnicity, so stop contributing to wack racial stereotypes. Secondly, stop limiting yourself to the same men . . . go out and find a man who can give you everything you need and if he happens to be Irish then so be it . Stop pushing back God's blessing because his family likes to eat sheep intestines , you better gobble up ! Skin color is not the determining factor of love. Nevertheless, i cant be mad at a woman who can appreciate the beauty in Black men .

Me ? I think there's nothing more attractive than a Black man . I love their style, their walk, charisma, their confidence and demeanor . Strength and Black man are synonymous to me . I also know what a responsible Black man looks like and i thank my Dad for that love, support, and courage. A lot of Black men have so much going for themselves EXCEPT ambition and accountability. I know way too many low lifes and dead beat dads. Hell, my dad never met his own dad . Im just saying ladies, good Black men are out there ... but dont knock down another good one just because he has a different ethnic background . Dont love by color, love by soul .