black sexual politics

[Ha. I went to another forum (i know, i know). The men of Morehouse were charged to read a book: Black Sexual Politics: African Americans, Gender and the New Racism by Patricia Hill Collins. Furthermore, the men were asked to go even further than read the text. They engaged in a discussion about black masculinity and implications this may have on black women.]

Honestly, i was impressed. Although i did not necessarily agree with all of the comments, it was refreshing to see that some men are seriously considering their place in society. Even more refreshing was the fact that these men were participating in a dialogue to mend unhealthy African American relationships. Too many times, men opt for the ignorance- perhaps to dodge accountability. My grandmother told me, "Stevi, the more wisdom God blesses you with, the more responsibility you are burdened with."

There was one point that i really had to spread on my blog. We were discussing "healthy relationships" and what it means to break the vicious cycle of violence and hyper-masculinity. Someone made this point:

A lot of times, we see our broken and dysfunctional families and think, "I have to be better than that." Rightfully so. However, we need to do more than that. We need to seek out what a healthy relationship actually is. Just because we push ourselves to do better than our predecessors does not mean that we have pushed ourselves far enough. For example, maybe you saw your mother being physically abused by your father. You tell yourself that you will never lay hands on a woman. However, you verbally and mentally abuse your wife because you do not understand that a relationship is made up of so many dimensions. You cannot see where you went wrong.

To be frank, we need to start mulling over some of these ideologies and relationships. They are killing us.

how to raise a son in the midst of quicksand .

[I attended another forum at Morehouse about dating and domestic violence yesterday. I am accustomed to the back and forth and back and forth about "exclusivity" ... but the domestic violence portion caught me completely off guard.]

While the men were tip-toeing around the issue of domestic violence and abuse, the women were more vocal...in an unconventional way. A lot of women said that a woman should expect to be hit back if she hits a man first. While that comment was unconventional, i could almost understand the logic. So, i kept listening. Finally, a young lady said, "If a little girl hit my son, i would teach him to hit her back." Excuse my french, but i almost shit myself. & with that being said, i bring you this:

I WILL NOT allow my son to hit any female. ever. My son will understand that he is blessed with physical strength that is meant for lifting up and not tearing down. Biologically, most men are stronger than women and he will understand that he has a social responsibility to treat all women with respect, even when they do not deserve it. Living a full and gracious life is not about that seven year old girl with the pigtails in her head. No, it is about MY son and his understanding of SELF CONTROL.

He will understand that the true makings of a man lie in his understanding of responsibility, accountability, and self control. He will be responsible and accountable for his own actions. He will learn to excrete patience and control over his actions. If he decides that he will react out of anger and bitterness, then his progress (or lack there of) in highschool, college, and the workplace will be a reflection of that. I understand that the little girl with pigtails could easily be a loud mouthed mother of two kids. Neither of the two women will be slapped, kicked, punched, or verbally abused by my son. 

Ultimately, my son will understand that he is not putting his hands on a woman- not because she is a woman, but because she is a human. We have come too far to use violence as a means of resolution and my son will not need violence and hyper-masculinity to feel confident about himself. We (his mother and father) will instill that with substantial things. My son will use his power and strength to help, motivate, inspire, lead, and/or serve. He will not use said strength to hurt people. Some traditional views are traditional for a reason, and i will not gamble with my future son's integrity on the basis of trying to be "unconventional". So, NO... my son will not be pounding his fists into little girls.


Hmph ... over my dead body (and the ghostly corpses of victims passed).

red pill or blue pill ..

this situation is bigger than chris brown and rihanna.
honestly, i cannot believe that my peers (grown adults) cannot understand how much work happens to create "image".

i have heard so many celebrities say, "i am an artist, not a role model." nevertheless, these same celebrities  spend more time and energy on their image and commercial appeal than their actual craft. musicians are not getting paid millions of dollars to "be themselves" ahahaha. are you serious! they are being paid to create a fantasy ... they are being paid to be the popular kids in a global highschool. they are being paid to make little boys and girls want to BE THEM. big execs, publicists, and record labels arent going to risk millions of dollars on celebrities "being themselves". wake up.

im sorry to burst your bubble, but someone in Robin's marketing camp sat her down after "the incident" and told her that her image was reaching a pivotal fork in the road. on the right side, she could be the advocate for domestic violence victims (which proved to cause a lot of backlash and negative reaction) OR she could go on the left side and be the angry, dangerous bad girl. if you believe that her abrupt transformation wasn't a marketing strategy, then you're in for a rude awakening.

YES. celebrities are models. they are selling you their fragrances. they are selling you their shoes. they are walking billboards for designers. it's hypocritical of "artists" to want teens and young adults to smell like them, drink like them, sing like them, & dress like them ... but not to behave like them. While i believe that Chris and Robin are well within their rights to see each other (although i think it's unhealthy), they need to be realistic about the message they're sending. They need to be realistic about their influence on millions of impressionable teenagers. They need to stop rationalizing their faults and take some accountability. 

if they're not, the least YOU can do is realize that the ideology of "celebrity" is a bunch of smoke and mirrors. 

dose of your medicine .

Dear abuser ,

you put wrinkles in her face & bags under her eyes . garbage bags filled with lack of sleep and all of the verbal abuse that you stuffed into her ears . bags- overflowing with the times you called her a bitch and flung her name into the gutter out of anger and jealousy . when she got spurts of strength enough to leave, you spray painted red slander onto her notoriety . you blackballed her within crowds of faces who were too quick to pass judgement in their GLASS SHACKS . because they cranked their noses at the sky towards her, she felt nowhere to go but you . a brilliant bastard child you are .

she gave you everything - her dignity, her pride, her affection, trust, & even her pearl . i drove down Lake avenue yesterday & saw it in the window of a pawn shop . now, card number 22 is gone and she'll never get that back . whenever she reached for the doorknob, you ran your finger down her spine & W H I S P E R E D her imperfections . sweet melodies of "no one will ever love you" & "you're not even pretty" . you read her list of insecurities daily like a prayer & i never got paid time & a half for all of the work i put in on holidays ... cleaning up that mess . i never minded much , cause i would scrub like Cinderella if it could heal the hurt .

but then it happened & i minded . when you threw your hand across that tissue papered princess, something SNAPPED within me . i need your head on a stake to balance the universe . i wonder if your mother knew that her ovaries were capable of such wickedness ? i wonder if her uterus stung during pregnancy from your festering temperament ? i never understood why God made flies; so vexatious, worthless & icky -now i wonder if you're kin ?

Sincerely,
Stevi Renee

Men are amazing creatures, but sometimes they can be grenades in your morning cereal . [one in every four women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime] - stop it .

below the surface

she swung her hot pink acrylic nails across your face .
she is rolling her neck intensively and calling you a plethora of "n*gga" , "bastard" , etc .
she proceeds to tell you that youre a "poor excuse for a man" , "f&*% you", a "b*tch a** n*gga" or any other phrase that needs numerous letter fillers .
now, she is throwing things ...excuse me ... [your things] against the wall and all you can hear is shattering .
youre ipod is cracked against the wall . earphones too .
your watch is s a i l i n g out the window .
your clothes are being soaked in bleach .
she is now holding a brick in one hand & a key in the other ... anticipating the damage that she will do to your shiny, black impala downstairs in the parking lot .

you cheated, yes . but did she have to do all of this ?

so, you take your hand ...make it as heavy as possible , and swing the backside across her cheek .
she is on her knees in the middle of the condo , holding her face & staring at you like a monster .
you call her out of her name and tell her to get the hell out your apartment . police run upstairs because of the commotion . they take both of YOU in handcuffs .

she was mad, yes . but did she deserve that ?

domestic violence happens all the time . no woman deserves to be hit across
the face or hurt in anyway . In the same breath, i'd like to say that some of
these situations can be avoided by better communication skills within the
demographic of african american men and women . Black men and women are very
passionate people . in your face . full of energy . strong-willed . determined .
and we have plenty of attitude . these are good characteristics, but too much of
anything is NOT good . we learn how to interact with one another in a respectful
way without having to always "get even" .