What Women Want.

[Of course the women have to speak their minds. Like the men, these women come from all over the country - California, Washington D.C., Florida and beyond. Similarly, their interests vary from medical school pursuits and PR to Television and Psychology. I asked them what they wanted from a man and subsequently, their romantic relationships. Here are their responses:]

Kourtnie, 22: "Lets be real, what women want from men is infinite. I can go down my fairy tale list of my superman....i want him to be genuine, funny, faithful, supportive, emotional, loving, strong willed, give me good sex (-; ... You get the point. But if I were to chose ONNNNE single thing that I NEEDED from a guy that goes beyond the typical yet essential wants... I would say I truly need a guy who I can grow with. If he can help make me be a better woman, he's a keeper."

Taylor, 21: "I want a guy who appreciates me. I want a guy who is honest about what he wants. I want a guy who does nice things for me just because it's Tuesday.I also want a guy to be respectful. If he knows we talk he won't flirt with my friends ...it's disrespectful."

Kendall, 22: "I think guys forget the little things that count. Like telling her she is beautiful when she think she don't look like shit at that moment. Or dates! No matter how long you've been in a relationship. Take her on a damn date sometimes. Do for her what she does for you sometimes, stereotypical gender roles need not apply.

Every woman wants a man who is comfortable with himself, jealousy isn't a good look. Love and friendship should be the glue to the relationship. Avoid the unnecessary drama. In all, women want a MAN."











Haniyyah, 20: "What i want in a man is consistency, in a nutshell. lol I need a man who understands that what it took to get me is exactly what it takes to keep me. Consistency to me shows that the person is willing to put in the work to show that you are important to them. Consistency is key fellas!! :)"




Karen, 22: "I'd like a friend first, if we can't get along as friends we definitely can't be lovers. I'm a playful person, so he would have to be able to handle that and come back at me. He needs to be funny, not corny. Corny does not work for me, we'd never clique. Confidence is important to me, low self-esteem is a no go in a man. He needs to be sure of himself and stand his ground when need be. I certainly don't want a lap dog. I'm not even gonna go as far as saying that "looks don't matter" because to a certain extent, they do. I need to be attracted to my man. He should have goals he's working towards, not dreams he's sleeping on. He has to be intelligent. I want us to be able to learn from one another. He has to have good morals and should be able to adapt to different situations. I 'd like to be able to bring him around friends and family without having to second guess anything. He must be loyal and should be emotionally supportive. It would be ideal for him to share the same musical taste as I. Oh look! A unicorn..."

Lakin, 20: "In a mate, I appreciate an individual who is ambitious and passionate about cultivating their craft or pursuing their ultimate goal in life. I love a guy who is intellectual, into the arts, socially conscious and firm in his beliefs yet flexible and always seeking to learn new things. I’m a dreamer and I love for my significant other and I to fuel and believe in each other’s dreams. Along with someone who is selfless, compassionate and understanding, I want a guy to be fun and of course know how to adore me!" 

Vivian, 22: "Younger me would have said, 'he has to be FINE' but as I get older, I realize looks aren't everything. I find someone's personality can make an 'okay looking man' look better than the next. So with that being said, I look for a man with a five star personality. I also want a manly man who can also tap into his sensitive side at moments. He also has to have goals and aspirations. My ideal partner has to be "on my level" mentally and spiritually and if not, he has to be better so that he can push and motivate me to be better."

Lea, 22: "Boys. This topic comes up way more often than I’d like to admit; but since this has turned into what seems like a free dating ad service, I will happily oblige.

I am not sure if there’s such a thing as a PERFECT match, but there are indeed traits that I look for in a guy. Humor and positive energy is the first thing that captures my attention. If a guy can make me laugh (I mean a genuine, down to the stomach laugh) and has a warm vibe, I will remember them forever! I look for a guy that I can laugh at stupid Family Guy like scenarios with and switch over to debate about social/political issues.  That being said, I like a guy who is cultured, active, open to new experiences/adventures, yet is easy going and humble. I find this combo hard to come by. But I digress...  

Other than knee slapping jokes and cultured conversations, I look for guys who have a relationship with God and who are reliable/trustworthy. Other than that, I just need for a guy who accepts my dorkiness and love of animals/nature!" 

-- author's response:

Stevi, 22: "I have to be honest and say that I ultimately want the supernatural- a love that transcends the constant, trivial life surrounding me. I think we all look for something so eternal and so raw that all of our layers simply “peel off.” women look for honesty, appreciation and respect from men. A man who is not only honest with us about the beautiful truths, but also the sticky, complicated, ugly ones as well. A man who is honest about his faults, his fears, and his feelings for us. We need someone we can trust, but someone who trusts us as well. Personally, I need someone with tough skin. I need to know that I can depend on him to hold me down ... not only during the "sunny days", but the hard ones too. All of these things cannot be expected unless a man learns to get close to God. That's honestly the glue in any relationship. Look, women are strong creatures. Our hearts are usually heavy and we’d love to let men carry them for us … if they were not so constantly clumsy. I need something exceptional. I only get one life to live and I wouldn't dare waste it on a choux pastry romance.

What Men Want.

[In 2010, I wrote a blog segment entitled "What Women Want". I started by asking women what they wanted from men and the feedback in my inbox was crazy. A male friend of mine asked, "Can we get a chance to say what we want?" Of course I had to oblige and their responses were very insightful. Needless to say, I am doing it again. This time, I'm letting the men go first. I asked a few choice men what they looked for in women and here are their responses:]

Ryan, 22:

"I prefer a woman who loves God, keeps up her appearance, can socialize with many different types of people, encourages me, has drive, and just has an open mind. I like women that like to go out and be social ... without having a rep (if you know what I mean)."




Lance, 21: 

"My ideal potential mate is not one who completes me, or some cliché and romanticized idea. Since I’m tasked with describing her, my ideal mate is content in her ideal contentment, supportive, flexible, but certain of at least certain aspects of her personality. She is witty enough to appreciate varied humor and doesn’t trifle a great deal with foolish pursuits. She is a woman who can just as easily seriously discuss a political issue as she can satirize it into laughter. A character from the 2009 Woody Allen film Whatever Works says, “In the end, the romantic aspirations of our youth are reduced to whatever works.” I can ultimately try to create a prototype, but I’ll fail. I’m not perfect, so I’ll seek the woman that works for me."




Deonta', 21:
"- Natural Beauty (If we wake up in the morning, will you still be beautiful?)

- Confession: I'm at boob man..nice boobs won't hurt..haha. However, a really cute face can substitute for almost anything
- a girl on the slimmer side (just being real)..if you marry a woman who is thick and has your kids, she's going to be fat..just saying
- I love a woman who has REALISTIC goals for her future!
- Whats your track record? (I can't date a slut)
- I hate LOUD girls!! But don't be shy..find a happy medium
- smoking is cool for now..well not really..you can't smoke..not acceptable for wifey
- good hygiene (this is a must..I love my women to smell like fruit or something)
- I love women who can hold conversations (I hate being the only one talking)"



Mike, 23: 
"I love a woman who can make me laugh, not just a woman with a sense of humor. A woman with a job (cause just like women hate broke niggas, we have broke chicks too). She doesn't have to be super religious but have faith ... and a pretty smile gets me every time. And one whose goals are similar to mine, so intelligence is necessary."












Daren, 22:
"The older we get, the more mature we get. Two years ago when we had this discussion, I wanted nothing more than a relationship without being confined to the conditions of a relationship. I wanted consistent sex without having to allocate 70% of my time to a woman. Two years prior to that, I was in high school where having a girlfriend was just the cool thing to do, so I jumped into relationship after relationship knowing there was no real potential. Now that I’m approaching 23, I’ve realized that there’s really no point in committing unless I’m certain she’s the one. Meaning, if she doesn’t meet all of my qualifications, I won’t settle. Looks good, gets along with my guy friends (but doesn’t cross the line of getting too close), and has a great personality; However, if she has no career goals, no education, and wants to work retail at Forever 21 all her life? Ha. Why waste 6 months of my life leading someone on knowing all the while that she’s not the woman I want a future with? Hey, at least I’m honest. I’m very blunt with women about what my expectations are- whether it just be sex, companionship, or a pretty young thang to look good on my arm at company events."

Anier, 22 :

"She has to be attractive, fun, intelligent, cultured, and most importantly righteous. She also has to be loyal."

Wayne, 23: 
"Being nice to look at is nice and all, but it goes beyond that. Intelligence is first and foremost. If we can't converse ...then not in her dreams. A good sense of humor: I can't be the stand up comic in the relationship, she has to make me laugh too. She has to be a little gangsta- meaning she's not taking my BS along with anyone else's. She needs to be comfortable with herself. The norm: faithful, freak, nice to look at and can function with the homies."




Muhammad, 22:

"The first thing men look for in women regardless of any other attributes is beauty and outward appearance. Every man has his own conception of beauty but there has to be something that catches our eye physically first. My anthropology professor called it good symmetry, in which I totally agree. I think next comes personality. Is she down to earth? Is she stuck up? Is she the crazy type? Personally, I look for women who are down to earth, have a sense of humor, and overall compatible, less confrontation is key. Can she hold a conversation? Or is it get a few irrelevant sentences out, break out the awkward laugh and look down at my pocket to pull my phone out. Next, I look for music preferences. Having a women not only like the same music you like and also putting you on to new music and different genres and vise versa is considered a blessing in this day and age lol. I look for independence and interdependence, so that we both can trust and need each other. Men want a woman who is comfortable with her own sexuality. I look for a woman who knows her own mind, and stays true to herself. Finally yet importantly, she has to have faith in a higher power."


Steve, 22: 

"I'm looking for in a woman, what a woman looks at when she sees me. An old soul with youthful tendencies. Someone who loves living, yet respects life. A woman who listens before talking and seeks to understand before passing judgment. A woman of empathy and compassion. A woman strong enough to help me carry my cross, yet humble enough to let me help carry hers. Beautiful. Intelligent. Kind. It's seem like so much, yet I expect so little. I have found few who live up to what I want in a woman, but I know they are out there. I'm 22. I'm in NY. And I'm looking for you."

Bring Her Home to Mommy ..

[Yesterday, a friend of mine was schooling me on his Grocery Store Women Scouting Technique, "If she's buying frozen dinners, it's either for her boyfriend at home or she doesn't cook. Either way, I ain't interested." In between the laughs he asked where he could go to meet "nice girls". He suggested that I blog about it. First off, let me say that there is no fool-proof place to find the woman of your dreams. Hell, there are psychopaths leading the church's children's choir. The key, however, to finding a "worthy" companion is understanding yourself! Here are two tips to narrow down your search & spare yourself months of head-scratching confusion]:

1. Interests, Interests, Interests!
Use your interests as a compass to guide your dating pursuits. Do activities that are interest specific. If you like certain musical artists then you should attend those concerts (chances are, someone there will like the same ones). If you're passionate about animals, for example, shelters are a cool place to meet people. Art exhibits, comedy clubs, sporting events, beaches, beer festivals, cooking classes and even professional-based mixers are great meeting places. Be careful not to mix business with pleasure, but there is a chance that your business schedules and ambitions will sync up (depending on the career/passion).

**sidenote: i do not encourage clubs as a place to meet women. do not get me wrong, i attend parties and clubs from time to time. however, the mixture of loud music, excessive alcohol and skimpy clothes can send the wrong message. I do, however, suggest "kickbacks" [(n.) a gathering amongst friends in a house with slight music and mutual friends]. When surveying a kickback, you can see who is social, obnoxious, insane or sweet. Also, there are usually mutual friends in the facinity - making it easy to be introduced.

2. Decide what personal qualities you look for in your dream girl.
Most people say that finding a woman in the church is cliche. However, it is cliche for a reason. If you want a woman who takes her faith seriously, you should go to that place of worship to meet her. If she forgot her bible (or uses a bible app lol), let her share your tangible one. Ask her if she's a church member. What better place to find a woman than a building devoted to moral and spiritual strength.

Perhaps you like generous, selfless women. Volunteering programs and philanthropic-based activities are a great place to get involved and meet people at the same time. She may have a passion for teaching middle-aged immigrants or building homes for disaster-stricken communities. She may want to donate 65 cents a day to African kids...who knows lol. Let the qualities you want ... guide you to the places you go...

-- They key is to be genuine in your pursuits. Do not go to a Barnes and Noble if you hate reading books. Do not go to a senior citizens home if old people "creep you out". Some guys get caught up in "types"- they want the artsy type, the GLAMbot, the book worm- and are let down if they have nothing in common when the infatuation dimmers away. Follow your true interests and principles in order to find your "good girl". Bring her home to momma!

black sexual politics

[Ha. I went to another forum (i know, i know). The men of Morehouse were charged to read a book: Black Sexual Politics: African Americans, Gender and the New Racism by Patricia Hill Collins. Furthermore, the men were asked to go even further than read the text. They engaged in a discussion about black masculinity and implications this may have on black women.]

Honestly, i was impressed. Although i did not necessarily agree with all of the comments, it was refreshing to see that some men are seriously considering their place in society. Even more refreshing was the fact that these men were participating in a dialogue to mend unhealthy African American relationships. Too many times, men opt for the ignorance- perhaps to dodge accountability. My grandmother told me, "Stevi, the more wisdom God blesses you with, the more responsibility you are burdened with."

There was one point that i really had to spread on my blog. We were discussing "healthy relationships" and what it means to break the vicious cycle of violence and hyper-masculinity. Someone made this point:

A lot of times, we see our broken and dysfunctional families and think, "I have to be better than that." Rightfully so. However, we need to do more than that. We need to seek out what a healthy relationship actually is. Just because we push ourselves to do better than our predecessors does not mean that we have pushed ourselves far enough. For example, maybe you saw your mother being physically abused by your father. You tell yourself that you will never lay hands on a woman. However, you verbally and mentally abuse your wife because you do not understand that a relationship is made up of so many dimensions. You cannot see where you went wrong.

To be frank, we need to start mulling over some of these ideologies and relationships. They are killing us.

how to raise a son in the midst of quicksand .

[I attended another forum at Morehouse about dating and domestic violence yesterday. I am accustomed to the back and forth and back and forth about "exclusivity" ... but the domestic violence portion caught me completely off guard.]

While the men were tip-toeing around the issue of domestic violence and abuse, the women were more vocal...in an unconventional way. A lot of women said that a woman should expect to be hit back if she hits a man first. While that comment was unconventional, i could almost understand the logic. So, i kept listening. Finally, a young lady said, "If a little girl hit my son, i would teach him to hit her back." Excuse my french, but i almost shit myself. & with that being said, i bring you this:

I WILL NOT allow my son to hit any female. ever. My son will understand that he is blessed with physical strength that is meant for lifting up and not tearing down. Biologically, most men are stronger than women and he will understand that he has a social responsibility to treat all women with respect, even when they do not deserve it. Living a full and gracious life is not about that seven year old girl with the pigtails in her head. No, it is about MY son and his understanding of SELF CONTROL.

He will understand that the true makings of a man lie in his understanding of responsibility, accountability, and self control. He will be responsible and accountable for his own actions. He will learn to excrete patience and control over his actions. If he decides that he will react out of anger and bitterness, then his progress (or lack there of) in highschool, college, and the workplace will be a reflection of that. I understand that the little girl with pigtails could easily be a loud mouthed mother of two kids. Neither of the two women will be slapped, kicked, punched, or verbally abused by my son. 

Ultimately, my son will understand that he is not putting his hands on a woman- not because she is a woman, but because she is a human. We have come too far to use violence as a means of resolution and my son will not need violence and hyper-masculinity to feel confident about himself. We (his mother and father) will instill that with substantial things. My son will use his power and strength to help, motivate, inspire, lead, and/or serve. He will not use said strength to hurt people. Some traditional views are traditional for a reason, and i will not gamble with my future son's integrity on the basis of trying to be "unconventional". So, NO... my son will not be pounding his fists into little girls.


Hmph ... over my dead body (and the ghostly corpses of victims passed).

kissing the mist .

A friend of mine tweeted me saying, "I'm trying to decipher if the search [for the one] is worth the reward."

Imagine:
Having someone you could tell everything to. EVERYTHING- your biggest inhibitions, funny stories, fears, secrets, and dreams being lifted up into the ears of a person who nourished those things like a newborn child. You'd have someone who cherished those facts and kept them locked in a secret vault behind their hearts. Just imagine finding someone who opens their soul to you with a "welcome" sign- a person offering you a hiding place ... in themselves.


“Love is like the sea. It's a moving thing, but still and all, it takes its shape from the shore it meets, and it's different with every shore. ”  ― Zora Neale Hurston

Imagine:
Having a person who tells you the truth, even when it hurts. That woman/man who tells you that: you can do better, you can be greater, your outfit is unflattering, you need to make amends, you stink, you're gaining weight. you need someone who will drive the get-a-way car. you find a person whose opinion- no matter how brash, bitter, loud, or abrasive- is given with soft, humble, and sweet love.


“When peoples care for you and cry for you, they can straighten out your soul.” - Langston Hughes


We just want somebody to hold us down. we just want someone who has an ounce of selflessness left in their veins. secretly, we look to the sky, praying for a drop of decency and honesty in mankind. we want the person who stops the chaotic wars surrounding us and a person that transcends the petty things. we want a peace of mind .. incarnate. to my friend, anything of true substance and eternal nature is worth fighting for, worth searching for. 

put a ring on it ... or else.

[ i attended a forum about relationships, sex, and violence at Morehouse last week. We hurried into a classroom, flooded with students from Morehouse, Spelman, and Clark Atlanta University. While men and women battled back and forth about the dynamics of relationships and sex, i listened. ]

We were discussing the validity of the title "boyfriend/girlfriend". A lot of ladies said that they wanted a title. A lot of the men were saying that they did NOT need a title- feeling as though the title is used to merely appease the people outside of the relationship. A girl (with extremely intense eyes) raised her hand and expressed that --> dating a girl without the intention of commitment is disrespectful. She said she needed a respectful man and also stated that certain things regarding dating are just "common sense".

Let me first and foremost say that i see the validity of a relationship (they can be beautiful unions). But right then and there, I saw a piece of me in that girl- a naive piece. When i was in high school (and the beginning of college), i said that i wanted a guy with common sense. i realized a few years later that i was living in a euphoric state of mind. when it comes to relationships, "COMMON SENSE" does not exist.

For example,Some girls said they would leave if a guy did not "make it official" in 6 months. Another girl said 3 months. One girl leaned over to me and said, "nah, if he doesn't know in 2 months ... I'm out."And that's all fine. However, it is unfair to just assume that a man would know his "time constraints" ... considering that every one's preferences are different. nothing is "common" about dating. And "respect" is another fluid term. While the young lady thought it was disrespectful to "lead a girl on", some guys refrain from cuffing because they know they are not ready for monogomy. they stay away from the titles ... out of respect for the young lady.

While i listened to the two genders swing rebuttals back and forth, i suddenly realized something: i was siding more with the men than the women. I realized that a lot of women treat the boyfriend/girlfriend title like an "EASY" button from Staples. They think the title will clear up all of the confusion and grey areas about their relationship ... and they're wrong. point. blank. period. A relationship is a different recipe every time- full of unique ingredients (time, place, personality traits, emotional baggage, circumstances). i know people who merely "talk to someone" who have stronger relationships than people with the title. It's about COMMUNICATION. people have so many different expectations in relationships/dating - what constitutes cheating? what is respectful? what are my responsibilities as a bf/gf? are we discrete? to PDA, or not to PDA? While it may seem like common sense, it is NOT. honestly, what's a title if you do not know what it means?

touch me, tease me .

"They say that a literary “theme” is supposed to be a commentary on the human condition. Well, I have to admit that I go through life trying to string together the "themes" in life. After tying a few strings together, It astonishes me how people are sincerely surprised when they are approached for the things they flaunt the most."

 Often times, the term “tease” is associated with women.- and rightfully so. As women, we love to feel appreciated. As a result, we often times drive men to insanity with our flirtatious behavior and ambiguous sexual advances. Somehow, we have the audacity to be surprised when we are seen as mere objects. Picture this scenario:  A young lady rummages through her closet for that form-fitting, little black dress. Her boobs are up to her chin and the bottom of the dress hits jussssssst below the curve of her butt. PERFECT. She gets to the club and a guy (surrounded by his friends of course) says, “dammmmmmmn, look at all dat ass.” Of course, she makes a scene and curses him out.

 

Now pause. We constantly bring attention to our bodies in extreme ways and become offended when men react. Do not misunderstand me, he should never grab your ass in the club- that’s reckless, disrespectful and thirsty. However, you cannot show your breasts and thighs and expect a man to wonder about your favorite William Faulkner novel.

Now, men are funny. I scroll on twitter: “it’s money over bxtches”, “Im making my first million by twenty-four”, and “BMF” (blowing money fast). I meet men and they are talking about how much money they are making and bragging about their job offers after school. yes, there is a fine line between taking pride in yourself & BRAGGING. This generation of men is obsessed with flashing money. Nevertheless, as soon as a woman approaches him- in awe of his materialistic possessions- she is a “golddigger”. seriously? Essentially, each and every one of us are brands and your advertising tactics appeal to a targeted demographic. Be real with yourself. I am not saying that men should not strive for nice things. However, if that is what youre promoting then that will yield a certain response.

How can a person of the opposite sex be interested in something that they think is non-existent? If you promote your superficial and shallow values, you will: 1) be treated as such 2) attract the same sort of people.  If you want someone to appreciate your personality, promote the fact that you have one.

so i know it's real.

ahem ahem. You don’t have to tat my name on it. It makes no difference, really.

I know so many people who got it “tatted” and it has absolutely NO significance now. The tattoo could just as easily say, “Kung Pao Chicken”. You can keep that. If it’s “real”, you could try this:

Men, if it’s real, treat a lady with respect ... in all venues and circumstance. There is no use in “treating me like a lady” in person if you’re going to speak reckless of me to your friends. It’s pointless to be respectful on campus and then a douche bag in the club. There is no use in “watching your language around me” if you are calling me out of my name behind closed doors. Real gentlemen would approach a lady with consistent respect, even when she was nowhere to be found. That’s “REAL”.

Ladies, accept that a man has flaws so he knows it’s real. NO man will be equipped with everything you want. A lot of women want a guy who has a beautiful smile, buff arms, extremely keen mind, great sense of humor, poet, skateboarder, athlete, astronaut, left-handed, 6’2, money, with a pet lama. The crazy part is if women actually got "the perfect man", they would probably be too insecure to even be happy. Ladies, we have flaws too. If he can accept that you’re not a beauty queen in the morning, the way you always call during the Cowboys game, or the way you gossip, then you should accept him for him.

Leave the games at home SO I KNOW it’s real. Consider the last conversation you had with someone you’re dating. Why did you say the things you said? Was your friends’ advice clouding your thoughts? Were you afraid of saying too much? Did you wait to send the text or call so you wouldn’t seem “thirsty”? Did you lie about what you were doing or whom you were with? A wise soul recently told me, “If your first move is fake, don’t expect a real reaction.” Even if the other person's response is genuine, it’s only based on something that’s initially false from your end. Take off your cool, so I know it’s real.

You don’t have to tat it. BE REAL so i know it's real.

for that girl in the parking lot ...

Earlier this semester, I was leaving the library and ran into a new friend in the parking lot. I was in a rush to leave for dinner and asked, “Hey, how are you?” in an apathetic way. To my surprise, she had a lot to say. She told me about a guy she was dating. He created elaborate lies to ultimately use her for money, intimacy and most importantly … a lot of time. If that wasn’t bad enough, he spread lies about her around campus. She was clearly humiliated and heartbroken.

To be completely honest, my immediate thought during the story was, “Girl, that was naïve. You should have never took his words at face value.” And for that thought, I must apologize to the young lady if she’s reading. How could I patronize her for having the courage to trust and love whole-heartedly? After all, such trust is damn near impossible to stumble upon these days – like a four-leaf clover, or ... authentic Louis Vuitton. Anyway, this incident got me to thinking …

We live in a very peculiar time. This is a time when “men will be men”, but inversely, women should “know better”.  Women are constantly portrayed as a femme fatale- the woman who lurks in corners, waiting to bring a man down.  For example, if a woman musters up the courage to say she was raped, then she “wanted it” or she has to be “lying”. A girl gets pregnant, and she must've “trapped” him. If a girl is cheated on, society (especially women) chastise her because she should have “known better”. This is so backwards to me.

Yes, this is a peculiar time. This is a time that devalues the work of the mother… as if it is not a full time job to raise children in good health and faith (& Don’t even get me started with the businesswoman/mother – there should be a national holiday for these women). Leave a dad at home with the kids for five hours and he treats them like a grenade ... or rubik’s cubes. Yet, even after a woman commits years to wiping vomit off of her arms, pushing pounds of flesh out of her vagina, cooking meals, and instilling values in the kids, she is expected to turn a blind eye to cheating from her husband? AND if she decides to leave him and gets half, she is immediately deemed a “gold-digger” as if her contribution to the familial empire was non-existent. backwards. 

            Look, this is a post for that girl in the parking lot. Find a man who is honest. I say this with all sincerity. It may sound extremely simplistic but finding an honest man is one of the most complicated and difficult things to do. If a guy read this post and said, “that’s some bullshit” then he’s not ready to accept things truthfully. & What’s scarier than a man who lies to a girl is a man that lies to himself.  If he is real with himself, the ability to accept responsibility and accountability will come. Who he is, what he believes, and how he treats others should all be grounded in honesty. Find that and you have struck gold. 

"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." - Matthew 7:6

because lois lane & mary-jane watson deserved to know...

over dinner i had a conversation about the concept of "the good guy". i do not really believe in "the good guy" construction. i refuse to measure a man's virtue by word of mouth- a few googly-eyed girls raving about how sweet and nice a guy is. i wish it was that simple. unfortunately, there are plenty of guys that wake up in the morning and slip into their gentlemen facade, while simultaneously covering up the chauvinistic "player" that lies underneath. personally, i am less concerned with who a man is while he's walking me to class or showering ladies with flattery.

i like to know who a man is behind closed doors when he is with a group of male counterparts. how does he treat women when they aren't around? does he feel the need to prove his masculinity? does he name names? look, i have been in the midst of these male conversations and i know how these discussions sound. honestly, i just like to know who a man is when no one is looking.



i tend to see men in three different arenas : 

1. the man he portrays to the outside world & public. we all see him when he is on his way to work, the man who posts on facebook and twitter. we know the guy who texts you to see how you're holding up. now don't get me wrong, this can very well be a man's true character ... but there are other arenas to consider.

2. the man he portrays to his friends. i'll never understand the common pretense that men put on in front of their so called" friends". they constantly challenge each other's manhood and masculinity. a lot of the time, it would appear like they cannot be real with one another. often times, discussions of spirituality, emotion, or relationships (not sex) are left out of the equation. instead there is this constant beating of the chest. there is more to a man than sports and sex, right? unless of course, men are cavemen who are totally devoid of substance (which i refuse to believe).

3. the man in front of the mirror. i cannot truly see a man for who he is until i understand him within this arena. a man's true integrity can be measured by his actions when he thinks no one is looking. because of the numerous layers, this can only be seen with time. when the cool is removed and honesty blooms ... money, "social status", clothes, and macho-man become irrelevant. i do not believe in merely "good and bad" guys. i just think it's important to understand that people are complex. 

whoever said, "what you see is what you get" couldn't see very far.

PART II: what men want .♥

after the 'what women want' was posted, i thought it was only fair that men got the chance to set their record straight . i was very impressed with the honesty, similarities & differences in the responses . if you are a woman or man who did not get to be heard, just comment & leave your perspective ! xoxo

"I love her and that's the beginning of everything." -F. Scott Fitzgerald .

NOAH SAID, "I want someone who loves God more than she loves me, first and foremost. Honesty, maturity and someone not ashamed of their insecurity. Someone I can trust not to drop my heart on a plowing field. And I want to be motivated by her ambition, cuz nothin says 'bautiful woman' like her drive!"

JAMES SAID, "a girl that has personality...someone that can make me laugh.and have goals that could inspire me to do even more..as well as see her progress..and someone that could just be 110% true and keep it real...as i would.."

TERREN SAID, "i want someone who can challenge and stimulate me intellectually . depth . i need to be able to have a good time with her no matter what . a looker , God fearing and supportive . knows how to give and take love [cough cough]. she gotta know that when i say it . . .it's real ."

HENRY SAID, "The truth is, men don't know what they want . we jump from nicki minaj to keri hilson to michelle obama . DON'T get me wrong i'm sure there are some guys out there with specific standards . I think a woman . . . my woman should be a compatible companion spiritually and mentally . we don't want much but when we find a girl that has everything we want, our WANTS turn to NEEDS . [shout out to lil steve]

DAREN SAID, "sex ...title-less relationships . Men want to be able to dominate women and have the women be exclusive to them, but feel that it's somehow warranted for them [men]to be with multiple girls . they also feel that without relationships, there is no commitment . therefore, they have no obligation to spend a certain amount of time with that person ."

DENNIS SAID, " Please understand that my emotions are in this as well.. I understand I'm a man and you being a woman you are reluctant to completely give yourself to me but I ask you to.. And I plan to do the same.. I want you to know that I will do anything for you.. I also want you to know that what I tell you is real I have no reason to lie, because your the one I plan to spend the rest of my life with.. Till the day I die . "

KENNETH SAID, "First off I want a woman . I want someone whose intelligent, I want a woman who's very caring but doesn't care what people think & doesn't want a relationship based on rules but solely on love, pretty much I want a lovechild . a lover who's nurturing and supportive . someone who understands that the connection between the mind and heart is far more than the physical, someone whose original, a best friend . "

well people , there you have it . a drip of the male psyche . hope you enjoyed it ! :]

one thousand shades of middle .

i was asked to address: 'black men & women dating outside their race' .

so, is it right for Black men to date white women, latina women, asian women ? Is it right for Black women to do the same ? My answer is simply: mind your own business aha .

It's okay to have a preference when it comes to what youre attracted to. However, it is not okay for people to simply generalize one race over another. For example, i absolutely hate when Black guys say, "I'm done with Black women, all they do is nag and roll theyre eyes and try to rip apart my masculinity." First off, all Black women do not have overbearing attitudes . Secondly, if your 'masculinity' can be so easily ripped to pieces, then perhaps youre not strong enough for that woman anyway . It makes me wonder if there is some self-hatred in affect . Why do some men hate Black women so much ? There mother is Black , there sisters are Black ..can they see no beauty in them ? Is it so wrong for Black women to push their Black men and hold them accountable for their actions ? Honestly, relationships are about a union . . . not a tyrant and a push-over . Black women are strong , no doubt about it . dont down play their worth . BUT , if a man finds a woman that he has a genuine connection with, that makes him feel like he's on top of the world ...and she's white, then SO WHAT . let him be happy, and mind your business .

I hate when Black women complain about Black men, but will not date outside of their race . "Black men do not know how to respect me. They have no ambition. Theyre unfaithful." First of all, that can be said of any ethnicity, so stop contributing to wack racial stereotypes. Secondly, stop limiting yourself to the same men . . . go out and find a man who can give you everything you need and if he happens to be Irish then so be it . Stop pushing back God's blessing because his family likes to eat sheep intestines , you better gobble up ! Skin color is not the determining factor of love. Nevertheless, i cant be mad at a woman who can appreciate the beauty in Black men .

Me ? I think there's nothing more attractive than a Black man . I love their style, their walk, charisma, their confidence and demeanor . Strength and Black man are synonymous to me . I also know what a responsible Black man looks like and i thank my Dad for that love, support, and courage. A lot of Black men have so much going for themselves EXCEPT ambition and accountability. I know way too many low lifes and dead beat dads. Hell, my dad never met his own dad . Im just saying ladies, good Black men are out there ... but dont knock down another good one just because he has a different ethnic background . Dont love by color, love by soul .