Bridging the Infidelity Gaps.

I was sitting at a bar Wednesday night with some friends. We began to discuss the perimeters of love. “Can you even define love,” my friend said. As I suppressed the urge to quote (the very cliché) 1 Corinthians “Love is patient, love is kind…”, we stumbled across infidelity. Can you cheat on someone that you truly love? Can you cheat on them numerous times if you truly love them? Needless to say, the conversation was very heated.

Personally, I believe that we all fall short at times. We disappoint our family and friends- even though we love them. Hell, we definitely disappoint ourselves (the person we tend to love the most). During the conversation, a particular point stood out to me: Men are logical creatures, not emotional. We don’t look at sex as an emotional thing. We know we want it, we go after it. “PRETTY GIRL. WHAT GIRLFRIEND? ME CHEAT. ARGGGG.” If, in fact, men are simply chimpanzees with careers and iphone 5s then I plead insanity.  I refuse to believe that men are that painfully simple and/or mentally retarded. If a man's girlfriend never crosses his mind, then that is a bigger issue in itself.

I do, however, believe that men and women tend to see cheating differently. So, for all of the men who claim that they do not understand what the big “whoop” is with infidelity, let me paint a picture. When a woman is in love with you and you cheat on her:

She literally feels like an eighteen-wheeler truck is sitting on her chest. She feels like she was hugging, kissing, confiding in, and laughing with a serial killer. She thinks you are a stranger now, “How can someone be so dishonest and despicable?” She is humiliated that another woman can brag about the fact that she had you. She will regret all of the times that she was proud to show you off to her family and friends. She will feel weak. She will be mad at you because you ruined the trust. You did the unthinkable. Who’s to say the sky won’t fall again? She will mentally replay all of the times that you said she could "trust you". Now, all of her hopes for the relationship are tainted with a murky, grey film of betrayal, dishonesty, and coldness. Psh, I can’t even begin to explain how she’ll feel if you two are having sex (which 8 times out of 10, you are).] She will feel like she lost her best friend. 

Uncle Ben (Peter Parker’s uncle, not the man on the rice box) said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” You can no longer claim that you are ignorant to the effects of your infidelity. Now that you know what cheating will do to your girlfriend (or boyfriend), you have to evaluate if you could do that to someone you truly love.  I think the basis of true, authentic love is the quality of selflessness. Your needs become their needs and you develop an innate desire to protect the other person. Personally, I don’t think that you can continuously cheat on a person that you truly love.

But hey, what do I know? What do you think?

prepare for mind-blowing.

“Wild women never could hide their innocence- a kind of pity-kitty hopefulness that their prince was on his way. Especially the tough ones with their box cutters and dirty language, or the glossy ones with two-seated cars and a pocketbook full of dope. Even the ones who wear scars like presidential medals and stockings rolled at their ankles can’t hide the sugar child, the winsome baby girl curled up somewhere inside, between the ribs, say, or under the heart. Naturally all of them have a sad story: too much notice, not enough, or the worst kind.  Some tale about dragon daddies and false-hearted men, or mean mamas and friends who did them wrong. Each story has a monster in it who made them tough instead of brave, so they open their legs rather than their hearts where that folded child is tucked.”

-       Toni Morrison, Love.

I would like to personally congratulate you if you read that excerpt with openness . Toni Morrison has a way of speaking to your demons and leaving you stark-naked in her diction. Toni Morrison is my favorite author for two reasons: First, she has a reading of her race, gender, and era that far exceeds her literary contemporaries. Two, she is the shit.

Signed,
Vi. 

investing in a diamond !

Taylor's story is extremely touching and she is a phenomenal student and person. Her circumstances are unfortunate, but this story will be inspirational. I LOVE MY SPELMAN sisters, Morehouse brothers, and AUC family ... we really come together to support one another. If you have any money to spare, please read her story in the link below and send prayers! xoxo.

Read Taylor's Story & Support!

What Women Want.

[Of course the women have to speak their minds. Like the men, these women come from all over the country - California, Washington D.C., Florida and beyond. Similarly, their interests vary from medical school pursuits and PR to Television and Psychology. I asked them what they wanted from a man and subsequently, their romantic relationships. Here are their responses:]

Kourtnie, 22: "Lets be real, what women want from men is infinite. I can go down my fairy tale list of my superman....i want him to be genuine, funny, faithful, supportive, emotional, loving, strong willed, give me good sex (-; ... You get the point. But if I were to chose ONNNNE single thing that I NEEDED from a guy that goes beyond the typical yet essential wants... I would say I truly need a guy who I can grow with. If he can help make me be a better woman, he's a keeper."

Taylor, 21: "I want a guy who appreciates me. I want a guy who is honest about what he wants. I want a guy who does nice things for me just because it's Tuesday.I also want a guy to be respectful. If he knows we talk he won't flirt with my friends ...it's disrespectful."

Kendall, 22: "I think guys forget the little things that count. Like telling her she is beautiful when she think she don't look like shit at that moment. Or dates! No matter how long you've been in a relationship. Take her on a damn date sometimes. Do for her what she does for you sometimes, stereotypical gender roles need not apply.

Every woman wants a man who is comfortable with himself, jealousy isn't a good look. Love and friendship should be the glue to the relationship. Avoid the unnecessary drama. In all, women want a MAN."











Haniyyah, 20: "What i want in a man is consistency, in a nutshell. lol I need a man who understands that what it took to get me is exactly what it takes to keep me. Consistency to me shows that the person is willing to put in the work to show that you are important to them. Consistency is key fellas!! :)"




Karen, 22: "I'd like a friend first, if we can't get along as friends we definitely can't be lovers. I'm a playful person, so he would have to be able to handle that and come back at me. He needs to be funny, not corny. Corny does not work for me, we'd never clique. Confidence is important to me, low self-esteem is a no go in a man. He needs to be sure of himself and stand his ground when need be. I certainly don't want a lap dog. I'm not even gonna go as far as saying that "looks don't matter" because to a certain extent, they do. I need to be attracted to my man. He should have goals he's working towards, not dreams he's sleeping on. He has to be intelligent. I want us to be able to learn from one another. He has to have good morals and should be able to adapt to different situations. I 'd like to be able to bring him around friends and family without having to second guess anything. He must be loyal and should be emotionally supportive. It would be ideal for him to share the same musical taste as I. Oh look! A unicorn..."

Lakin, 20: "In a mate, I appreciate an individual who is ambitious and passionate about cultivating their craft or pursuing their ultimate goal in life. I love a guy who is intellectual, into the arts, socially conscious and firm in his beliefs yet flexible and always seeking to learn new things. I’m a dreamer and I love for my significant other and I to fuel and believe in each other’s dreams. Along with someone who is selfless, compassionate and understanding, I want a guy to be fun and of course know how to adore me!" 

Vivian, 22: "Younger me would have said, 'he has to be FINE' but as I get older, I realize looks aren't everything. I find someone's personality can make an 'okay looking man' look better than the next. So with that being said, I look for a man with a five star personality. I also want a manly man who can also tap into his sensitive side at moments. He also has to have goals and aspirations. My ideal partner has to be "on my level" mentally and spiritually and if not, he has to be better so that he can push and motivate me to be better."

Lea, 22: "Boys. This topic comes up way more often than I’d like to admit; but since this has turned into what seems like a free dating ad service, I will happily oblige.

I am not sure if there’s such a thing as a PERFECT match, but there are indeed traits that I look for in a guy. Humor and positive energy is the first thing that captures my attention. If a guy can make me laugh (I mean a genuine, down to the stomach laugh) and has a warm vibe, I will remember them forever! I look for a guy that I can laugh at stupid Family Guy like scenarios with and switch over to debate about social/political issues.  That being said, I like a guy who is cultured, active, open to new experiences/adventures, yet is easy going and humble. I find this combo hard to come by. But I digress...  

Other than knee slapping jokes and cultured conversations, I look for guys who have a relationship with God and who are reliable/trustworthy. Other than that, I just need for a guy who accepts my dorkiness and love of animals/nature!" 

-- author's response:

Stevi, 22: "I have to be honest and say that I ultimately want the supernatural- a love that transcends the constant, trivial life surrounding me. I think we all look for something so eternal and so raw that all of our layers simply “peel off.” women look for honesty, appreciation and respect from men. A man who is not only honest with us about the beautiful truths, but also the sticky, complicated, ugly ones as well. A man who is honest about his faults, his fears, and his feelings for us. We need someone we can trust, but someone who trusts us as well. Personally, I need someone with tough skin. I need to know that I can depend on him to hold me down ... not only during the "sunny days", but the hard ones too. All of these things cannot be expected unless a man learns to get close to God. That's honestly the glue in any relationship. Look, women are strong creatures. Our hearts are usually heavy and we’d love to let men carry them for us … if they were not so constantly clumsy. I need something exceptional. I only get one life to live and I wouldn't dare waste it on a choux pastry romance.

What Men Want.

[In 2010, I wrote a blog segment entitled "What Women Want". I started by asking women what they wanted from men and the feedback in my inbox was crazy. A male friend of mine asked, "Can we get a chance to say what we want?" Of course I had to oblige and their responses were very insightful. Needless to say, I am doing it again. This time, I'm letting the men go first. I asked a few choice men what they looked for in women and here are their responses:]

Ryan, 22:

"I prefer a woman who loves God, keeps up her appearance, can socialize with many different types of people, encourages me, has drive, and just has an open mind. I like women that like to go out and be social ... without having a rep (if you know what I mean)."




Lance, 21: 

"My ideal potential mate is not one who completes me, or some cliché and romanticized idea. Since I’m tasked with describing her, my ideal mate is content in her ideal contentment, supportive, flexible, but certain of at least certain aspects of her personality. She is witty enough to appreciate varied humor and doesn’t trifle a great deal with foolish pursuits. She is a woman who can just as easily seriously discuss a political issue as she can satirize it into laughter. A character from the 2009 Woody Allen film Whatever Works says, “In the end, the romantic aspirations of our youth are reduced to whatever works.” I can ultimately try to create a prototype, but I’ll fail. I’m not perfect, so I’ll seek the woman that works for me."




Deonta', 21:
"- Natural Beauty (If we wake up in the morning, will you still be beautiful?)

- Confession: I'm at boob man..nice boobs won't hurt..haha. However, a really cute face can substitute for almost anything
- a girl on the slimmer side (just being real)..if you marry a woman who is thick and has your kids, she's going to be fat..just saying
- I love a woman who has REALISTIC goals for her future!
- Whats your track record? (I can't date a slut)
- I hate LOUD girls!! But don't be shy..find a happy medium
- smoking is cool for now..well not really..you can't smoke..not acceptable for wifey
- good hygiene (this is a must..I love my women to smell like fruit or something)
- I love women who can hold conversations (I hate being the only one talking)"



Mike, 23: 
"I love a woman who can make me laugh, not just a woman with a sense of humor. A woman with a job (cause just like women hate broke niggas, we have broke chicks too). She doesn't have to be super religious but have faith ... and a pretty smile gets me every time. And one whose goals are similar to mine, so intelligence is necessary."












Daren, 22:
"The older we get, the more mature we get. Two years ago when we had this discussion, I wanted nothing more than a relationship without being confined to the conditions of a relationship. I wanted consistent sex without having to allocate 70% of my time to a woman. Two years prior to that, I was in high school where having a girlfriend was just the cool thing to do, so I jumped into relationship after relationship knowing there was no real potential. Now that I’m approaching 23, I’ve realized that there’s really no point in committing unless I’m certain she’s the one. Meaning, if she doesn’t meet all of my qualifications, I won’t settle. Looks good, gets along with my guy friends (but doesn’t cross the line of getting too close), and has a great personality; However, if she has no career goals, no education, and wants to work retail at Forever 21 all her life? Ha. Why waste 6 months of my life leading someone on knowing all the while that she’s not the woman I want a future with? Hey, at least I’m honest. I’m very blunt with women about what my expectations are- whether it just be sex, companionship, or a pretty young thang to look good on my arm at company events."

Anier, 22 :

"She has to be attractive, fun, intelligent, cultured, and most importantly righteous. She also has to be loyal."

Wayne, 23: 
"Being nice to look at is nice and all, but it goes beyond that. Intelligence is first and foremost. If we can't converse ...then not in her dreams. A good sense of humor: I can't be the stand up comic in the relationship, she has to make me laugh too. She has to be a little gangsta- meaning she's not taking my BS along with anyone else's. She needs to be comfortable with herself. The norm: faithful, freak, nice to look at and can function with the homies."




Muhammad, 22:

"The first thing men look for in women regardless of any other attributes is beauty and outward appearance. Every man has his own conception of beauty but there has to be something that catches our eye physically first. My anthropology professor called it good symmetry, in which I totally agree. I think next comes personality. Is she down to earth? Is she stuck up? Is she the crazy type? Personally, I look for women who are down to earth, have a sense of humor, and overall compatible, less confrontation is key. Can she hold a conversation? Or is it get a few irrelevant sentences out, break out the awkward laugh and look down at my pocket to pull my phone out. Next, I look for music preferences. Having a women not only like the same music you like and also putting you on to new music and different genres and vise versa is considered a blessing in this day and age lol. I look for independence and interdependence, so that we both can trust and need each other. Men want a woman who is comfortable with her own sexuality. I look for a woman who knows her own mind, and stays true to herself. Finally yet importantly, she has to have faith in a higher power."


Steve, 22: 

"I'm looking for in a woman, what a woman looks at when she sees me. An old soul with youthful tendencies. Someone who loves living, yet respects life. A woman who listens before talking and seeks to understand before passing judgment. A woman of empathy and compassion. A woman strong enough to help me carry my cross, yet humble enough to let me help carry hers. Beautiful. Intelligent. Kind. It's seem like so much, yet I expect so little. I have found few who live up to what I want in a woman, but I know they are out there. I'm 22. I'm in NY. And I'm looking for you."

Bring Her Home to Mommy ..

[Yesterday, a friend of mine was schooling me on his Grocery Store Women Scouting Technique, "If she's buying frozen dinners, it's either for her boyfriend at home or she doesn't cook. Either way, I ain't interested." In between the laughs he asked where he could go to meet "nice girls". He suggested that I blog about it. First off, let me say that there is no fool-proof place to find the woman of your dreams. Hell, there are psychopaths leading the church's children's choir. The key, however, to finding a "worthy" companion is understanding yourself! Here are two tips to narrow down your search & spare yourself months of head-scratching confusion]:

1. Interests, Interests, Interests!
Use your interests as a compass to guide your dating pursuits. Do activities that are interest specific. If you like certain musical artists then you should attend those concerts (chances are, someone there will like the same ones). If you're passionate about animals, for example, shelters are a cool place to meet people. Art exhibits, comedy clubs, sporting events, beaches, beer festivals, cooking classes and even professional-based mixers are great meeting places. Be careful not to mix business with pleasure, but there is a chance that your business schedules and ambitions will sync up (depending on the career/passion).

**sidenote: i do not encourage clubs as a place to meet women. do not get me wrong, i attend parties and clubs from time to time. however, the mixture of loud music, excessive alcohol and skimpy clothes can send the wrong message. I do, however, suggest "kickbacks" [(n.) a gathering amongst friends in a house with slight music and mutual friends]. When surveying a kickback, you can see who is social, obnoxious, insane or sweet. Also, there are usually mutual friends in the facinity - making it easy to be introduced.

2. Decide what personal qualities you look for in your dream girl.
Most people say that finding a woman in the church is cliche. However, it is cliche for a reason. If you want a woman who takes her faith seriously, you should go to that place of worship to meet her. If she forgot her bible (or uses a bible app lol), let her share your tangible one. Ask her if she's a church member. What better place to find a woman than a building devoted to moral and spiritual strength.

Perhaps you like generous, selfless women. Volunteering programs and philanthropic-based activities are a great place to get involved and meet people at the same time. She may have a passion for teaching middle-aged immigrants or building homes for disaster-stricken communities. She may want to donate 65 cents a day to African kids...who knows lol. Let the qualities you want ... guide you to the places you go...

-- They key is to be genuine in your pursuits. Do not go to a Barnes and Noble if you hate reading books. Do not go to a senior citizens home if old people "creep you out". Some guys get caught up in "types"- they want the artsy type, the GLAMbot, the book worm- and are let down if they have nothing in common when the infatuation dimmers away. Follow your true interests and principles in order to find your "good girl". Bring her home to momma!

your ears will thank you.

Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Tumblr, and blogs are covered in a bright, orange tint today. Frank Ocean's Channel Orange album made an incredible impact today, completely overshadowing his previous sexual orientation announcement (at least, it did to me). I know I am biased when it comes to Frank, but I have to say he outdid himself this time. He is truly a musical visionary with beautiful vocals and incredible songwriting skills. While I suggest that you listen to the entire album, I have to promote my favorite track:
"Pink Matter ft. Andre 3000". Show the man some love. Music is in a beautiful place this Tuesday.

On a more local level (but not for long, I'm sure), Alex Jacke just released his mixtape/EP "DFM" (Dorm F*cking Music) yesterday and I must say that it is delicious. D.F.M is truly that piece of pie that you know you shouldn't indulge in... but love every morsel. Hailing from the "recent music mecca" of Los Angeles, Jacke is giving you a sultry and sexy musical palette. The EP is composed of six full tracks and charming skits that will truly make you yearn for more! Check him out: http://alexjacke.com/ click the picture to download the EP.

three questions.

[I asked my twitter followers for blog post suggestions. Here was one: How do you know when you are ready to date?]

Well, I am far from a relationship expert. However, i do believe that there are three questions that everyone should ask themselves before hopping into a relationship:

My first question is: Are you confident enough to date someone?

Often times, people look for a counterpart who will compensate for their flaws. For example, lets say Tanisha (random name, I know) is beautiful, outgoing, brilliant, and extremely insecure. She is hoping that her next boyfriend will give her confidence. He cannot do that because ultimately, he has nothing to do with her insecurities. All of his compliments, pampering, and attention cannot feed the beast that is her inner doubt. Paranoia, worry, anxiety, and jealousy will get the best of Tanisha, regardless of the man she’s dating. you have to date someone with the intent of complementing one another, not completing them.

I have dated men in the past that punished me because of their insecurities. They accused me of things or acted out because they assumed that I would get “bored” or “tired” of them. It was a classic “hurt them before they can hurt me”. Now, if they knew me at all, they would have known that I do not cheat – simply because I would never want to inflict that pain. Regardless of how many times I attempted to reassure them, they could not see me- they could only see a reflection of the men they were not. Make sure you are confident enough to date someone… especially in an era when people are more social, desperate, bold, despicable, and morally confused.

My second question is: Are you humble enough to date someone?

I know this question may seem out of place, but humility is just as important as confidence. It takes a humble heart to listen with open ears. It takes a sense of humility to admit that you are wrong- to put your pride and ego to the side for another person. Vanity, narcissism, and arrogance are not attractive ... in fact, they’re too transparent to even be interesting. Sometimes, it can pleasantly surprise the person you date when you ask, “How are you feeling about us?” It implies that their perspective MATTERS. It implies that there are two people in the relationship.

Third question: Do you know what you want?

This answer is not crystal clear for everyone. A wise man once asked me, “What do you NOT want?” and I was so flustered because I had not prepared that answer haha. Nevertheless, sometimes, understanding your deal breakers will help to weed out the frogs from the princes. If you are the “list type” and you want to write down the things you want, I suggest that you write eternal things first and physical things last. That, my friends, will also be your order of importance when dating. If you do not know what youre looking for...how will you know when you've found it?

ehh. but hey, what do i know?