What Women Want.

[Of course the women have to speak their minds. Like the men, these women come from all over the country - California, Washington D.C., Florida and beyond. Similarly, their interests vary from medical school pursuits and PR to Television and Psychology. I asked them what they wanted from a man and subsequently, their romantic relationships. Here are their responses:]

Kourtnie, 22: "Lets be real, what women want from men is infinite. I can go down my fairy tale list of my superman....i want him to be genuine, funny, faithful, supportive, emotional, loving, strong willed, give me good sex (-; ... You get the point. But if I were to chose ONNNNE single thing that I NEEDED from a guy that goes beyond the typical yet essential wants... I would say I truly need a guy who I can grow with. If he can help make me be a better woman, he's a keeper."

Taylor, 21: "I want a guy who appreciates me. I want a guy who is honest about what he wants. I want a guy who does nice things for me just because it's Tuesday.I also want a guy to be respectful. If he knows we talk he won't flirt with my friends ...it's disrespectful."

Kendall, 22: "I think guys forget the little things that count. Like telling her she is beautiful when she think she don't look like shit at that moment. Or dates! No matter how long you've been in a relationship. Take her on a damn date sometimes. Do for her what she does for you sometimes, stereotypical gender roles need not apply.

Every woman wants a man who is comfortable with himself, jealousy isn't a good look. Love and friendship should be the glue to the relationship. Avoid the unnecessary drama. In all, women want a MAN."











Haniyyah, 20: "What i want in a man is consistency, in a nutshell. lol I need a man who understands that what it took to get me is exactly what it takes to keep me. Consistency to me shows that the person is willing to put in the work to show that you are important to them. Consistency is key fellas!! :)"




Karen, 22: "I'd like a friend first, if we can't get along as friends we definitely can't be lovers. I'm a playful person, so he would have to be able to handle that and come back at me. He needs to be funny, not corny. Corny does not work for me, we'd never clique. Confidence is important to me, low self-esteem is a no go in a man. He needs to be sure of himself and stand his ground when need be. I certainly don't want a lap dog. I'm not even gonna go as far as saying that "looks don't matter" because to a certain extent, they do. I need to be attracted to my man. He should have goals he's working towards, not dreams he's sleeping on. He has to be intelligent. I want us to be able to learn from one another. He has to have good morals and should be able to adapt to different situations. I 'd like to be able to bring him around friends and family without having to second guess anything. He must be loyal and should be emotionally supportive. It would be ideal for him to share the same musical taste as I. Oh look! A unicorn..."

Lakin, 20: "In a mate, I appreciate an individual who is ambitious and passionate about cultivating their craft or pursuing their ultimate goal in life. I love a guy who is intellectual, into the arts, socially conscious and firm in his beliefs yet flexible and always seeking to learn new things. I’m a dreamer and I love for my significant other and I to fuel and believe in each other’s dreams. Along with someone who is selfless, compassionate and understanding, I want a guy to be fun and of course know how to adore me!" 

Vivian, 22: "Younger me would have said, 'he has to be FINE' but as I get older, I realize looks aren't everything. I find someone's personality can make an 'okay looking man' look better than the next. So with that being said, I look for a man with a five star personality. I also want a manly man who can also tap into his sensitive side at moments. He also has to have goals and aspirations. My ideal partner has to be "on my level" mentally and spiritually and if not, he has to be better so that he can push and motivate me to be better."

Lea, 22: "Boys. This topic comes up way more often than I’d like to admit; but since this has turned into what seems like a free dating ad service, I will happily oblige.

I am not sure if there’s such a thing as a PERFECT match, but there are indeed traits that I look for in a guy. Humor and positive energy is the first thing that captures my attention. If a guy can make me laugh (I mean a genuine, down to the stomach laugh) and has a warm vibe, I will remember them forever! I look for a guy that I can laugh at stupid Family Guy like scenarios with and switch over to debate about social/political issues.  That being said, I like a guy who is cultured, active, open to new experiences/adventures, yet is easy going and humble. I find this combo hard to come by. But I digress...  

Other than knee slapping jokes and cultured conversations, I look for guys who have a relationship with God and who are reliable/trustworthy. Other than that, I just need for a guy who accepts my dorkiness and love of animals/nature!" 

-- author's response:

Stevi, 22: "I have to be honest and say that I ultimately want the supernatural- a love that transcends the constant, trivial life surrounding me. I think we all look for something so eternal and so raw that all of our layers simply “peel off.” women look for honesty, appreciation and respect from men. A man who is not only honest with us about the beautiful truths, but also the sticky, complicated, ugly ones as well. A man who is honest about his faults, his fears, and his feelings for us. We need someone we can trust, but someone who trusts us as well. Personally, I need someone with tough skin. I need to know that I can depend on him to hold me down ... not only during the "sunny days", but the hard ones too. All of these things cannot be expected unless a man learns to get close to God. That's honestly the glue in any relationship. Look, women are strong creatures. Our hearts are usually heavy and we’d love to let men carry them for us … if they were not so constantly clumsy. I need something exceptional. I only get one life to live and I wouldn't dare waste it on a choux pastry romance.

black sexual politics

[Ha. I went to another forum (i know, i know). The men of Morehouse were charged to read a book: Black Sexual Politics: African Americans, Gender and the New Racism by Patricia Hill Collins. Furthermore, the men were asked to go even further than read the text. They engaged in a discussion about black masculinity and implications this may have on black women.]

Honestly, i was impressed. Although i did not necessarily agree with all of the comments, it was refreshing to see that some men are seriously considering their place in society. Even more refreshing was the fact that these men were participating in a dialogue to mend unhealthy African American relationships. Too many times, men opt for the ignorance- perhaps to dodge accountability. My grandmother told me, "Stevi, the more wisdom God blesses you with, the more responsibility you are burdened with."

There was one point that i really had to spread on my blog. We were discussing "healthy relationships" and what it means to break the vicious cycle of violence and hyper-masculinity. Someone made this point:

A lot of times, we see our broken and dysfunctional families and think, "I have to be better than that." Rightfully so. However, we need to do more than that. We need to seek out what a healthy relationship actually is. Just because we push ourselves to do better than our predecessors does not mean that we have pushed ourselves far enough. For example, maybe you saw your mother being physically abused by your father. You tell yourself that you will never lay hands on a woman. However, you verbally and mentally abuse your wife because you do not understand that a relationship is made up of so many dimensions. You cannot see where you went wrong.

To be frank, we need to start mulling over some of these ideologies and relationships. They are killing us.

put a ring on it ... or else.

[ i attended a forum about relationships, sex, and violence at Morehouse last week. We hurried into a classroom, flooded with students from Morehouse, Spelman, and Clark Atlanta University. While men and women battled back and forth about the dynamics of relationships and sex, i listened. ]

We were discussing the validity of the title "boyfriend/girlfriend". A lot of ladies said that they wanted a title. A lot of the men were saying that they did NOT need a title- feeling as though the title is used to merely appease the people outside of the relationship. A girl (with extremely intense eyes) raised her hand and expressed that --> dating a girl without the intention of commitment is disrespectful. She said she needed a respectful man and also stated that certain things regarding dating are just "common sense".

Let me first and foremost say that i see the validity of a relationship (they can be beautiful unions). But right then and there, I saw a piece of me in that girl- a naive piece. When i was in high school (and the beginning of college), i said that i wanted a guy with common sense. i realized a few years later that i was living in a euphoric state of mind. when it comes to relationships, "COMMON SENSE" does not exist.

For example,Some girls said they would leave if a guy did not "make it official" in 6 months. Another girl said 3 months. One girl leaned over to me and said, "nah, if he doesn't know in 2 months ... I'm out."And that's all fine. However, it is unfair to just assume that a man would know his "time constraints" ... considering that every one's preferences are different. nothing is "common" about dating. And "respect" is another fluid term. While the young lady thought it was disrespectful to "lead a girl on", some guys refrain from cuffing because they know they are not ready for monogomy. they stay away from the titles ... out of respect for the young lady.

While i listened to the two genders swing rebuttals back and forth, i suddenly realized something: i was siding more with the men than the women. I realized that a lot of women treat the boyfriend/girlfriend title like an "EASY" button from Staples. They think the title will clear up all of the confusion and grey areas about their relationship ... and they're wrong. point. blank. period. A relationship is a different recipe every time- full of unique ingredients (time, place, personality traits, emotional baggage, circumstances). i know people who merely "talk to someone" who have stronger relationships than people with the title. It's about COMMUNICATION. people have so many different expectations in relationships/dating - what constitutes cheating? what is respectful? what are my responsibilities as a bf/gf? are we discrete? to PDA, or not to PDA? While it may seem like common sense, it is NOT. honestly, what's a title if you do not know what it means?

for that girl in the parking lot ...

Earlier this semester, I was leaving the library and ran into a new friend in the parking lot. I was in a rush to leave for dinner and asked, “Hey, how are you?” in an apathetic way. To my surprise, she had a lot to say. She told me about a guy she was dating. He created elaborate lies to ultimately use her for money, intimacy and most importantly … a lot of time. If that wasn’t bad enough, he spread lies about her around campus. She was clearly humiliated and heartbroken.

To be completely honest, my immediate thought during the story was, “Girl, that was naïve. You should have never took his words at face value.” And for that thought, I must apologize to the young lady if she’s reading. How could I patronize her for having the courage to trust and love whole-heartedly? After all, such trust is damn near impossible to stumble upon these days – like a four-leaf clover, or ... authentic Louis Vuitton. Anyway, this incident got me to thinking …

We live in a very peculiar time. This is a time when “men will be men”, but inversely, women should “know better”.  Women are constantly portrayed as a femme fatale- the woman who lurks in corners, waiting to bring a man down.  For example, if a woman musters up the courage to say she was raped, then she “wanted it” or she has to be “lying”. A girl gets pregnant, and she must've “trapped” him. If a girl is cheated on, society (especially women) chastise her because she should have “known better”. This is so backwards to me.

Yes, this is a peculiar time. This is a time that devalues the work of the mother… as if it is not a full time job to raise children in good health and faith (& Don’t even get me started with the businesswoman/mother – there should be a national holiday for these women). Leave a dad at home with the kids for five hours and he treats them like a grenade ... or rubik’s cubes. Yet, even after a woman commits years to wiping vomit off of her arms, pushing pounds of flesh out of her vagina, cooking meals, and instilling values in the kids, she is expected to turn a blind eye to cheating from her husband? AND if she decides to leave him and gets half, she is immediately deemed a “gold-digger” as if her contribution to the familial empire was non-existent. backwards. 

            Look, this is a post for that girl in the parking lot. Find a man who is honest. I say this with all sincerity. It may sound extremely simplistic but finding an honest man is one of the most complicated and difficult things to do. If a guy read this post and said, “that’s some bullshit” then he’s not ready to accept things truthfully. & What’s scarier than a man who lies to a girl is a man that lies to himself.  If he is real with himself, the ability to accept responsibility and accountability will come. Who he is, what he believes, and how he treats others should all be grounded in honesty. Find that and you have struck gold. 

"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." - Matthew 7:6