thank God for nagging sisters.

I read a twitter post today that said, "Don't Wait. The time will never be just right. - Napoleon Hill". 

Now, I have no clue if Napoleon Hill really said those words (we love to treat twitter like a scholarly source) but I DO know that the tweet hit home for me. Just two days ago, one of my strongly-opinionated (but loving) friends berated me on the phone. She was telling me that i cannot wait for "perfect timing" because there is no such thing. I listened half way with my eyes rolling and then realized that I was definitely waiting for something that was not coming - a euphoric circumstance. That, my friends, is when your soul, mind, heart, circumstances, relationships, career, familial situation, and finances are all in the perfect place. This is when you have all of the answers, all of the time, and all of the security that you can possibly have in every aspect of your life - forever. Yeah, that doesn't exist. We are often times waiting for the "perfect circumstantial bus" to pick us up ...and well ... we'll be waiting at that bus stop all day.

It kind of reminds me of diving into a pool of cold water. You stand there, impatiently. You anticipate how cold it's going to be and you think that if you wait long enough then the water will "magically" become room temperature. You even go far enough to dip your toe in the water (and nine times out of ten, this makes things worse). The only solution is to jump in the pool and test things out. If it's freezing, then you will wade around in the pool and get adjusted. Our minds can be our biggest handicaps at times. 

So, while my friend is badgerring me about the things that i put off, I listen as humbly as I can without arguing back (lol). She was right, though (and loving). Waiting for the perfect circumstance will have you waiting forever. Besides, a lot of the time, success comes to us during the times when we are outside of our comfort zone. Sometimes, we simply have to dive in. 

pack light. ohhh, oh!

Imagine taking a stroll down the street and seeing a beautiful Porsche for sale. All black everything, this car is stunning and breath-taking. The price is really reasonable… in fact, it’s practically a steal! You look inside the window to see that the car has 200,000+ miles on it. You, as the buyer, will probably do one of two things:

1.     You will decide that the car is not worth the trouble and leave it alone.

2.     You will buy the car (for little to nothing) and decide to use it while you can- expecting to toss it when it breaks down on you in the middle of the 205 freeway.

This could be similar to you- “breaking down” in the middle of Whole Foods on your significant other- making a huge scene because he/she said something that reminded you of a triflin’ ex lover. When you are traveling down the road of life, you acquire mileage. That is a given. Recently, I had conversations with people who are emotionally scarred- and it makes sense. People have a harder time seeing what real, healthy love looks like. Their parents barely say two words to one another. Their past relationships have literally shape shifted from gold to dog shxt. Basketball wives, football wives, baseball wives, housewives of Atlanta … and I cannot find one, legitimate wife on television. A lot of my friends are graduating from college believing that love is something that died in the 90s with the VHS and ducktail braids.

            So you “don’t believe in love”? cool. However, there is a problem: human beings are dependent on intimacy and innately search for someone to love them. Whether it is at the age of 19 or 60, eventually, we will level with ourselves and admit that we want someone to genuinely care-in a romantic sense- about who we are. A lot of my guy friends say, “I’m never getting married” or “Imma be a fifty year old bachelor”. Cute. The bible talks about roads commonly traveled being fruitless in its destination. However, the winding, narrow road always pays off in the end. Loving is hard and tedious. It calls for vulnerability, trust, and seeing yourself in its rawest form; But the reward is priceless. At my graduation dinner, my grandmother was in tears .. dying laughing because my grandfather was…well, being my grandfather. “Edgar!” she said panting, “You make me laugh, boy, you make me laugh.” It’s been fifty-two years and I swear, their love has sustained one another. That, my friends, is priceless. 

“you said you’re learning to trust men again. But this is love, made unselfish. Made for you to feel empowered, at the same time helpless.” – Common.

hairs standing still .

say what's real.

i look at my life like a huge jawbreaker ;

                                                            i suck at it.  

so i sucked at life,

i licked through the many layers trying to get to the core -pushing and weaving through. i licked through the 'trying to fit in' stage when i felt like an outsider and social deportee . contrary to popular misunderstanding, America's broken-record routine is to find the newest alternative lifestyle . the new trend is to flee as far as possible from tradition & 'boxes' . i found at a young age that morale, faith & self-actualization are 'boxes' that i wouldn't mind sitting in . SILLY me .

i licked through the layer of superficiality. they say money doesn't buy happiness, they lied . that's why people are so confused . they buy a Ferrari and feel this sensation in their bellies . they swipe their credit card to buy that watch and tingle inside . see, money can buy happiness ... but it can't buy Joy . they are two different things . happiness is a quick high that leaves you smiling until you're ... not. Joy is the emotional, physical, and psychological land of milk & honey . it's a peaceful state of calm & contentment ... money is simply theoretical paper.

ahh, i licked through the false sense of affection . we go through life with family and parents that care, however in the back of our minds we wonder: "they (our family) love us because they have to . will there ever be anyone who loves me on purpose? (lol) will there be someone who sees something special in me ?" therefore, we search life for someone who cares ... and we run smack dab into infatuation . it feels cool when you're in high school and someone is obsessed with you (and vice-versa) lol . unfortunately, that dynamic is not about the two of you ...it's about the one of you . one person is obsessed about being adored, and the other one is doing the exact same thing . people are simply using & using without being accountable for the catastrophe that comes later .

finally, i reached the core . i don't mean to sound cliche, but there's a reason why love is so popular. i need people to see love, not as a 90's R&B song, and not as a cheesy romance movie . those things are simply simulations of 'real love' ...those things are cheap, body spray scents, but hardly the real thing . Love, real love, is so selfless and unstable that it's rulebook only states, "one size fits all ." it's a scary thing, because it is so untamed & addictive, you become scared that you'll get lost somewhere between bliss & armageddon . But displaying love is all that matters; it is the only good, strong thing left in the world . IT IS OF GOD . Agape.

"Three things will last forever - faith, hope and love - and the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13

i dont know why i chose this cheesy picture .

well, sometimes i forget that this is MY blog and that i can actually post about whatever i want lol . i usually post works of writing, videos, poems, or social commentary ... and sometimes i forget that this is from my perspective . so: RECAP ;
i am back at Spelman (truly and only by the grace of God). it feels so strange to be a junior on campus this year . i remember moving to atlanta and being ter-ri-fied out of my mind lol . i didn't know where to go, what not to do, what to eat, who to trust ... i literally knew NO ONE in my year . things have really changed for me over the course of two years and some months . im now living in an apartment with my friend and with no meal plan (holla at ya starving college student lol) *sidebar: if you see me and i look evil, its only because i havent eaten yet ...i tend to get grumpy sorry lol ... anyway, im finding money for my college tuition & living expenses on my own, officially .

God has brought some amazing people into my life who have helped me, encouraged me, and inspired me to make the word "impossible" a foreign concept . im hungry for my education now . im anxious for future life experiences & spiritual success (ill elaborate some other time). i let go of stress, drama, any past animosity, and im open to every new possibility . whatever i go through from this point on will be counted all joy . it will simply be a building block towards my perseverance & character . my mind & soul are renewed . with that being said, i apologize to my consistent blog readers for my slow-post habits these days . due to work load, newspaper articles, and occasional sleep ... i'm short on time . i'm still posting , hang in there with me !

all my love,
stevi renee

red or green pill .

This is one of the hardest times of my life . not the absolute hardest (ive been through worse), but definitely one of the most challenging . this raw, vulnerable situation had me on the edge & frustrated beyond the capacity of my mind and spirit . i feel like im living in an outer body experience ... watching things blindside me & i cant hear myself -screaming at the top of my lungs .

But God is good . if i let life bully me around, what fun would that be ? something as trivial as money, haters, and doubt can not get in the way of the story i will tell . afterall, i am a story teller right ? this "raw" situation is being marinated by my hardships & experiences ... i know what the end result will be and that's all that matters . the lord brings something positive out of every situation (adversity, loss, relationships, & friendships).

I'm not going back this fall . finding out something like that (2 weeks before you planned to leave) can produce a volatile psyche . but i once heard someone say, "if you're going through hell ... keep going" . ill be back to my school in spring with a pocket FULL of cash and a story to tell ; you cant get rid of me that easily . it's crazy cause that sentence was addressed to life, not my school ...

Glory to God always ... who gives me the strength, confidence, & love enough to keep moving forward .

by the grace of God .

in art class 101, my professor told me, "never erase . just keep going ." whenever i drew a line too long, or made my curves too wide, my professor was right over my shoulder to yank the eraser from my fingers . "no erasing.. the picture will come together ."

who knew i would use that same blueprint for my life . after all, aren't lives just canvases ? when we're born, we all have white surfaces on which to make our mark . i like to think we add color to a huge white surface of nothingness . no mistakes yet made, no lessons yet learned, no love yet had, no kisses yet sunken into , no loss, no joy, no waves of anxiety, no ecstasy, no guilt, no redemption ... no inevitable marks made .

some people finger paint through life, smearing colors until they like what they see . some people sketch lines on their canvas for a more structured, disciplined style . some people embrace Van Gogh's style, swirling and throwing color & recklessness until they reach some unattainable high [mind you he cut off his ear & sent it to his lover as a sign of his affection] . but i digress ...

as i approach my twentieth birthday tomorrow, i reflected on what my professor taught me . i reflected on my style of canvas collision . when i was younger, i was a charcoal artist . i made BOLD, strong lines that stood sturdy in a foundation of my parents . charcoal is known to smear; however, if you know what lines you want to make ahead of time ...you don't have to worry . i never did . for the past couple of years, i went through a watercolor phase . color and water are so hard to control . everything running around my canvas . adversity, emotion, drama run'eth over : it was like trying to catch air . Oh but NOW , i'm doing my acrylic paint thing . don't quite understand ? just watch ;]

regardless of the artistic medium applied to your life, just remember what my professor told me, "never erase, just keep going ."
[RIP khalifah muhammad, you painted brilliantly .]

hot wind .

in the corner of my room is a box, filled with
the things i never said . the things i didn't ask . the things i didn't have to ask . things of livid taste .
things that would rip off my much needed emotional stitches , leaving my naked soul bleeding on a stack of meaningless perplexity .
things that would spread the gates of hades like thighs and devour the sun .
eat your heart out Pandora .

so you can only imagine
that this box would be buried under a pile of clothes , intentionally .
it's wrapped up in duck tape & quacks at me from time to time . but Zora said that God made us "DUCK BY DUCK", so i assume that there will be more boxes in life ...

but today .
under God and a fair witness in myself , i will throw the box onto the side of the road . you see, storage is just that-storage . i have run out of room and the contents of that box will be donated to a fertile heart in need of a testimony .

amen .

wine kisses .

he said he isn't ready for me yet . he told me that he knows what i deserve and that he is not quite who he wants to be for me . he said i give him so much ... but he has some improvements to make . he told me that if he ever hurt me, it would make him sick . that's just what he said .

and appreciation filled me to the tip of my forehead . i was thankful for his honesty, and you learn to cherish what you don't get much of . so, i sat in the corner of my imagination with that honesty and licked the edges ...i savored every taste and held it close . you see, this prophetic protector read the palms of my hands and stated facts . he told me that i had the power to make him hurt . he told me that he hated my past & he declared what i needed, what he thought i deserved .

like a clear champagne flute, he tipped me over to his nose and analyzed me, strictly from aroma . i felt naked, like my soul was bare in form . i used some laughs to clothe myself and sarcasm to drape my nudity, but he stopped laughing and said, "I'm serious ." that juxtaposed second mangled my mind from circumstance and i got lost in the mix . my destiny's map read 'heart, you are here' and 'disaster, two miles ahead' . i guess he couldn't see that smudge on the glass .

whoever said, "you cant handle the truth" ... was just too coward to spill it out .

signed, your insomnia inamorata.

i love you, yet I'm deprived of your presence . still, my thoughts are tied up in you and like a hostage, they can't escape . i hear the whispers about you . i hear the screams . mm, i hope the rumors are true .

i hope you can hang with my eminence baby, cause your chick in that blue toga can't HOLD A LIGHT to me . you're a hot commodity & word is you've been askin' for me . like a lip gloss tint, you can make me shine & glow .

you're body is an art piece, tatted up and drenched in soul . i want you as my rococo lover . this fiance with five hearts , i want to know em all .
sometimes you can be cold, but the heat makes me forget . you're so complex . i don't even wanna scrape the glitter from the gravel . i just want all of you , someday .

i know YOU HAVE A KID, so what ... who wouldn't want to be a stepmom to Hip Hop ? turning my tables on in your chivalrous suggestion . that's what you are .
the belly of the beast and the sensual that satisfies .
dip me in and call me hooked , ill be your anything .

So, i had a talk with my professor about my future writing pursuits. She looked at me and said, "New York , Go. I can already see you there now, you would love it ." hmmmm ?

still waters .

"This was my chance to release him, and fight myself free from my obsession. He would get over me in a few months and go on to be a very big man. So i sailed off to Jamaica. But i freely admit that everywhere i set my feet down, there were tracks of blood. Blood from the middle of my heart. I did not write because if i had written and he answered my letter, everything would have been broken down . . ." -Zora Neale Hurston .

so , that's as far as i've gotten in her book . & so far, she survived without him . so far . . . it makes all the sense in the world to me . so far, i have still waters about this .



[taken from the autobiography 'Dust Tracks on a Road' by Z.N.H]

lice .

he wants to do the best by me . i wanna let him . but everything he says is worth half a penny to me . its bland, its tense, its like an arranged marriage . he still has man shoes to grow into . size 10 to be approximate . i only gave half of me buht it seemed to be enough to reel him into my disillusionment. i wanna appologize, but he's not even man enough to understand . poor thing, chewed his shit up with hot sauce & spit it out .

hmm, he's been around for years . he fed me the best of bullshit . i stayed in the kitchen while he baked it . i couldnt smell it . i guess enough sugar-coating can hide any wretched smell . ill admit i made some mistakes, but when crunch time came, he crunched me & chose her . i wanted to keep things safe, but as much as i tried to fasten my lifevest, he poked holes which caused me to drown in a puddle of drama . now things cant be the same .

whats the price for happiness? is the ex doo mama drama worth the feeling that this one gives ? he makes me smile like happiest memory. if i could fly us away to some foreign land & start a new ... life would be exceedingly amazing . nevertheless, we are held captive by community stigma, hating & doubt . girls raiding my caralibro trying to find evidentiary evidence to prosecute a man who has done nothing wrong in any capacity. im the helpless spouse crying in the courtroom .

whats a girl to do ?