red or green pill .

This is one of the hardest times of my life . not the absolute hardest (ive been through worse), but definitely one of the most challenging . this raw, vulnerable situation had me on the edge & frustrated beyond the capacity of my mind and spirit . i feel like im living in an outer body experience ... watching things blindside me & i cant hear myself -screaming at the top of my lungs .

But God is good . if i let life bully me around, what fun would that be ? something as trivial as money, haters, and doubt can not get in the way of the story i will tell . afterall, i am a story teller right ? this "raw" situation is being marinated by my hardships & experiences ... i know what the end result will be and that's all that matters . the lord brings something positive out of every situation (adversity, loss, relationships, & friendships).

I'm not going back this fall . finding out something like that (2 weeks before you planned to leave) can produce a volatile psyche . but i once heard someone say, "if you're going through hell ... keep going" . ill be back to my school in spring with a pocket FULL of cash and a story to tell ; you cant get rid of me that easily . it's crazy cause that sentence was addressed to life, not my school ...

Glory to God always ... who gives me the strength, confidence, & love enough to keep moving forward .

stevi: a coming of age story

yes, i'm at peace .
sometimes we forget that this world is ours & we too often forget that . we stupidly lend ourselves to society and what it pushes on us . we have a choice, we have a say-so ...in so many ways .

i am four days facebook free . i am so tired of being "connected" all of the time. i am so tired of being addicted to a place that is so self-centered & nosey . people can see what i'm doing without even speaking a word to me . people can make judgements and assumptions about my personality based on a few "clicks" of a mouse . based on my status ? based on my "info"? it seems like people can only communicate through these networking devices , but who can blame us ? Ever since I entered high school, my generation has only known black planet, myspace, facebook, aim, twitter, formspring and BBM . We dont know any other ways to get to know one another . Well, i challenge you to communicate in more "personal" ways . when you see someone, speak in person . call someone ...hear their voice, duh . why Internet ? WE ARE NOT ROBOTS . you have a choice .

we are free to love . that is one of the most courageous things to me because you put your heart on the front line of battle for someone . i am free to love who i please with open arms and dust myself off when or if things fall apart . i mean honestly, isn't that what it's all about ? breathing in someone else's suffering ... trying to relieve them from pain because you care ? giving someone joy and a sense of security ? blessing someone with a taste of what God has for us ? society breeds cowards . small people, who dress their hearts in cheap armor and bubble wrap . a strong heart is only such after a testing & tedious work-out . i licked and swallowed any animosity i had towards people a while ago ... it had a faint taste of molded bread lol . now is the time for unwavering, brave, passionate love . society generally has no authority in this matter . for'real .

sometimes, life can get HARD . i mean, HARD . i always feel bad for atheist because they have nothing to believe in other than this world . they hold on to society . let me tell you, that's how your hands get frostbite . without faith in God, life loses it's purpose and emptiness consumes the spirit . Really, with a companion in Jesus, things don't seem as bad . We are often times scared when things change because we do not know what's next . I have recently started to embrace the concept of "possibility" ...instead of running from it like a coward, we need to be excited & waiting to see what happens next . emotions happens. tragedy happens. hurt happens. you cant get rid of it ...but you can definitely upgrade your outlook on things :]

white oleanders .

aoh . you smoke ? urple ? og kush ? janjaweed ? wait . you never heard of that last one ? That one gets you higher than any other . It's found in the motherland . The adreneline rush . It's almost like hiding in your hut while men shove cold steel to your sister's head . it's almost like hearing the pregnant pistol push out its first born . it's almost like running to the police with bloodstained hands to find out that they sent them, what a rush . right ? That janja-'good good' .
Oh. i heard you like the to stay fly . Diamonds? gold chains? want a pearl? JEM ? well , if only we had enough J.E.M.'s to help the people who needed it the most . Cause beyond the 'bling' is a blind ambition for peace . a prayer for a justice and equality movement . How many minutes do you spend complaining about life ? maybe 200,000 to 500,000 ? The hole in which some have to crawl into is Darker than the fur on your mink .

Generic, glazed-over eyes make it easy to ignore the pain. Easy to pretend that it's a 'civil war' . No one wants to take lashes for 'savages' who have more intellect than 80% of our country. On the horizon of our conscious thoughts, we cower from that social responsibility. Cheadle spoke up . I will never know true humanity for myself until i see it . Damned if we dont, damned if we dont . Express some heart .