Signed, the birthday girl xoxo

Thank you so much for all of the birthday love yesterday! I am so grateful that God allowed me to see 22 years of age. I would not be here without his grace and mercy. [Thanks to my family for the mass texts and emails. Thanks to my friends for surprising me lastnight with a lil' party. Thanks to Lea for my cake shaped like something unsavory and thanks to the Audster for working with my crazy friends to surprise me lmao. You guys are great!! ] Let's see what 22 has in store for me :)

thank God for nagging sisters.

I read a twitter post today that said, "Don't Wait. The time will never be just right. - Napoleon Hill". 

Now, I have no clue if Napoleon Hill really said those words (we love to treat twitter like a scholarly source) but I DO know that the tweet hit home for me. Just two days ago, one of my strongly-opinionated (but loving) friends berated me on the phone. She was telling me that i cannot wait for "perfect timing" because there is no such thing. I listened half way with my eyes rolling and then realized that I was definitely waiting for something that was not coming - a euphoric circumstance. That, my friends, is when your soul, mind, heart, circumstances, relationships, career, familial situation, and finances are all in the perfect place. This is when you have all of the answers, all of the time, and all of the security that you can possibly have in every aspect of your life - forever. Yeah, that doesn't exist. We are often times waiting for the "perfect circumstantial bus" to pick us up ...and well ... we'll be waiting at that bus stop all day.

It kind of reminds me of diving into a pool of cold water. You stand there, impatiently. You anticipate how cold it's going to be and you think that if you wait long enough then the water will "magically" become room temperature. You even go far enough to dip your toe in the water (and nine times out of ten, this makes things worse). The only solution is to jump in the pool and test things out. If it's freezing, then you will wade around in the pool and get adjusted. Our minds can be our biggest handicaps at times. 

So, while my friend is badgerring me about the things that i put off, I listen as humbly as I can without arguing back (lol). She was right, though (and loving). Waiting for the perfect circumstance will have you waiting forever. Besides, a lot of the time, success comes to us during the times when we are outside of our comfort zone. Sometimes, we simply have to dive in. 

bittersweet farewells ...

On Sunday, May 20^th, 2012, I became an official alumna of Spelman College. Spelman has given me numerous things over the past four years- laughter, tears, societal-shattering thoughts, craft, love, and at times … headache. I would trade absolutely nothing for the moments I shared with my beloved Spelman College. I understand myself more as a woman, an African American, and human being. These past four years have been HARD. College is more than the parties and debauchery. Spelman College, in particular, causes one to look in a mirror that reveals all angles- the good, the bad, and the hideous. I could not have done this alone. With that being said, I have people to thank:

Taara,

I know you hate all the attention, spotlight, and mushiness associated with these goodbyes. I know lol. But i just have to say that you have been such an inspiring and generous person over the past four years. I am so proud of you and I truly admire your humility and grounded behavior. All my love, Stevi,

Raven,

I love you so much Ray Ray J. A lot of times, people undervalue the contribution of a drama-free, easygoing friend. Because of your light-hearted spirit and grounded soul, Spelman’s freshmen nonsense never seeped into my pours. You are beautiful, brilliant, and so loving. You let us into your house and shared "momma pittman" with us. I appreciate everything. Love you!

Vivian,

Viv! My roommate and one of the first people I met at Spelman. I love you Viv and I am so proud of the woman you have become. From the beginning, I always admired your humility and generosity. Even more so, I admire your resilience and I know God has something amazing in store for you…

Jamila,

JAMMM JAMM! Lol. Jamila, you are a remarkable human being. You have broken so many barriers and stereotypes in your hometown of Baltimore and here at Spelman. I am so proud of you, 4.0 this semester, job offer and Phi Beta Kappa! Your drive and focus has inspired me more than you know. Beyond the accolades, I am proud of you for so many other personal reasons. It is much harder to persist over personal diversity than academic. You are such a treasure to me and continue to amaze me. I love you and I know those little rugrats in upstate NY are in good hands lol.

Lea Zora,

Shmlea, as much as I roll my eyes and smirk at you- I promise, it is all out of love lol. Lea, you have been SO vital in my matriculation through Spelman College. When I almost decided to stay home in 2010, you encouraged me to come back and generously offered up your home to me. I know you had a lot to deal with and I thank you for your encouragement and selflessness. I am so proud of you, and I am so proud of the woman you have become. You are “prime real estate” and more than capable of taking the world by storm. Stay grounded in God and believing in yourself. Love you.

 

Brennan, 

Brenny, I am so happy that you called me out Sophomore year for being a bad Spelman sister. If you didn’t, I would have never had the chance to meet such an outstanding brother. You have no idea how much your grounded, positive energy means to me. As a woman, living in the AUC can make you feel like a piece of meat and/or undervalued. You always appreciated the woman I was and my values. It means a lot bro bro. Stay you. Stay positive. Stay incredible.

Fatima,

There is a reason why Lea calls us “Fah-stevi” lol. I have never met someone who understood me quite like you. You are truly one of my best and truest friends. It’s crazy; I don’t trust many people enough to give me advice on life. However, I truly value your opinions and contributions to my growth as a woman. I mean that. We never cared about the hype and drama of the AUC because we had our share in high school. Thanks for being so easygoing and drama-free. You have been the ear I needed when confiding in you about boys, school, the loss of Samantha, my mother, and most importantly, God. I am honored to be a witness to your growing faith and walk with God. We both know, at the end of this … our faith is all that will sustain us. No matter how far we stray, God will be our “home base” and you will always be my sister. I love you Tima, thank you.

Elysse,

There are no words. You have been more to me than a sister. Sister cannot even describe the pride I take in you and the love I have for you. We have seen it all. I met you when I was six years old and we could never fathom where we would be today. We liked the same boys, fought, laughed, cried and grew together as women. We shared mothers. We shared, everything. When mom died, you were sitting on my bed with a snicker’s bar in hand to cheer me up. You have always held me down in ways that no one has. No matter the inconvenience, the time, or the struggle- you have held me down. Seeing that envelope in the mail junior year with the words, “If you need more, let me know.” … That meant the world to me. We lost Sammi last year and I have to tell you that you mean the world to me because tomorrow isn’t promised. You are so talented and you love so hard- both great qualities that I do not take for granted. I am so excited to see what God has in store for you. I love you.

Samantha,

I’m so sick about losing you and I have yet to completely come to terms with your death. Yet, I want to thank you for all of your love and support. Your struggle with sickle cell was … heartbreaking and ugly and incomprehensible. Somehow, you always had leftover love for people as insignificant as myself. You always understood the importance of finding love – in ways that no one else could. You kept me humble and knowing that a person is nothing if they have not loved. In spite of the heartbreak, we always had each other. There are times when I still pick up the phone to call you to vent and laugh and I miss you SO much. Howard University missed out on one hell of a graduate this year. Rest in peace sis.

Stephanie Renee Darden,

Gorgeous flowers mean absolutely nothing without the substantial roots of the tree. Mom, people compliment me on my grace and keen mind. The woman I have become today would mean absolutely nothing without your foundation and investment in me. I finally did it. I am graduating on Sunday and I wish more than anything that you could see me crossing that stage. I did this for you. There were times that I did not want to face the day, but your investment in me was the motivation to breathe, to sit up, to push. Your love was the encouragement thus far and I love you so much for that. You always told me I was special. You always told me I was worthy of love, worthy of respect. Mom, the things you didn’t say were set in your example and I thank you. I have yet to see a stronger, more elegant woman and I do not think I ever will. There are some lessons that you did not get the chance to teach, but I realize that those moments help to construct who I am as Stevi. I would give anything to hear you screeching my name as I receive my diploma. I am resting assured, however, that you will be screeching from a front row seat in heaven. I love you, I miss you, rest in peace.

God,

I thank you for loving me and cherishing me throughout this process. I thank you for the plans you have for me that have yet to become a reality. I thank you for our relationship and your presence in my life. As hard as it is to say, I thank you for my heartache and loss. Those things made me strong and wise. Although I may lose sight from time to time, I know where my center is Lord … that is with you. Thank you for keeping me in my darkest hours and giving me the shine I do not deserve. You and I both know that it is merely your grace and mercy that allowed me to get this far. A lot of times, I teetered on the fence between tapping out and pushing forward. Thank you for the nudges. & God,THANK YOU FOR THE PEOPLE PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED, THEY COULD ONLY HAVE BEEN SENT BY YOU.

P.S. thank you to all who were not mentioned. I would have mentioned my dad and brother, but they don’t read my blog lol (I’ll just tell them in person). To Ron'nay, although we are new friends, i appreciate you being you. I hate that i just met you last semester and I hope we can remain friends forever! lol. My boys Justin, Darnell, Charles, and Gary - love you guys and thanks for being awesome. You guys are brilliant and fun and honest- so hard to come by. Love you. Thanks to the people who shared a kind word, encouraged me, and enriched my mind. & Thanks to the person who is proving that quality men still exist :) YOU ALL HAVE BEEN GREAT!

The 100M Dash Generation

I have some great friends. Often times we (young adults) brag about the wrong kinds of things. We talk, text, tweet and scream to the mountain tops about our new Louis Vuitton bags, the girls/guys we bagged, the accolades we win, and the money we can spend. We hardly ever shout to the world about the kinds of company we keep. And, well, I keep some good company. And honestly, what makes them the most sound, confident, loyal and trustworthy friends is their relationship with God.

We all fall short. I used to express to one of my best friends about the guilt and frustration I would feel when my relationship with God was “lackluster”. It felt as though there was a blockage in the way of my spirituality and me. I was scared of the disconnect. Understand this: I have seen and felt things that no one my age should ever have to see and feel. During those dark moments, it literally felt like God took my hand and led me minute by minute, day by day. I owe EVERYTHING to God, even before I was dealt a complicated hand.

I say all of that to get to the point (lol). A relationship with God is just like any other relationship. It needs communication, trust, and priority.  Talk to God and LISTEN to what he tells you in return. Trust God with everything – academics, health, relationships, MONEY & ROMANCE (I capitalize the last two because those are the things that we think we can “handle” without God’s help .. wrong). Lastly, make God a priority. I used to be so hard on myself (and sometimes I still am). But contrary to popular belief, we are not made whole in one proclamation of God’s grace. We do not reach perfection after one church service or one day of good deeds. EVERYDAY is a battle between the person we are and the person God has called us to be.  It is a marathon race and only those with endurance will get what they truly want from a relationship with God.

thoughts stacked high.

"life, i learned is not fair. if they teach anything in schools, that should be it." -Nicholas Sparks

So. I’m sitting in LAX with a $2.80 Starbucks banana bread and $3.30 water in my lap, trying to evaluate the holidays. This past week in Los Angeles was exactly what I needed to contextualize my life and bring in the New Year. As I reflect back on my trip, I pinpointed a few topics worthy of discussion. 

    -- I spent time with my dad and grandparents. While this may sound mundane, their insight is blowing my mind. My dad revealed things to me about his relationship with my mother- things that made me see trust, love, and honesty a little differently. Also, my grandparents have an invested interest in my love life for some odd reason. All in all, I am forced to reevaluate some things.

    --My social life and outlook of Los Angeles has simultaneously shifted. While I have a hard time dealing with Atlanta’s fifty thousand dollar “millionaires”, Los Angeles has revealed its true colors to me. It’s funny to me how the most beautiful city can be the most insecure.

     --The reason why I love my male friends so much is because they keep me grounded. They tell me their outlook (even if they know it will offend me) and they push honesty to the fullest. Discussions about my disloyalty to California men, the word “bitch”, and my blog have all had me in the hot seat.

 ... here we go;

an ode to my bruhs back home .

hide the eggs . aha ;
i have never met a group of guys who have looked out for me like my bestfriend, my guadi , frustration terren & my panda !

we each have our stories , but nonetheless . i l them more than i can express .
ill never forget when kyle brought me flowers in rememberance of my mom's birthday .
ill never forget how terren stood by me for so many years. put up w. my evilness lol
ill never forget my guatemalan . sheesh, daren who is my backbone . my bro always .
ill never forget how ceiren always looked out for me when it came to $$, boys, cars, blah . ilthat asiacan .

so, for those reasons ... here's an ode to you all .
my bestfriend, thug, guadi, and panda :












*and shouts out to little og kyle ^ lol .