[aye april]

Dear My Sweet April,

HERE I COME. i promise you won't be disappointed because i'm going to cherish you . i know February & March may throw shade my way and i can't blame them . between me and you, i didn't do them justice . i'll admit it & i dont regret a bit of it . im not disregarding my pasts months, but im focused on you . . . APRIL. maybe i can right wrongs, patch things up, throw away things, kiss things, learn things ? who knows ! STOP it, your possibilities are making me blush . lol

nevertheless, April ... we will have a blast . i pinky swear ! forecasts already predict sunny, tanned occurences and who can be mad at that ? honestly, we havent even met yet, but you already gave me something special ... A FRESH START :]

i realized today that i am NINETEEN years old & it is my duty to take life by storm . im going to live more, laugh more, eat more, work out more, talk more (as if i could lol), listen more, dance more, sing more, apply myself more, love more, grow more, pump emotional iron more, pray more, & jump off of cliffs more . don't let me down April, im counting on you ♥ .

see you soon [you'll recognize me, ill be the one grinning] ,
stevi renee .

quote , end quote .

"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."

- Erica Jong , author .

erykah badu -window seat

i saw this video the other day & felt compelled to post it . it's deep . . . or is it ? lol

pick & choose .

FIGHT .
fight for the life that you want for yourself . i believe that we are more in control than we think we are . i have had this feeling of hopelessness for the past couple of months . i felt like everything was out of my hands, & all i could do was sit back & have God "do his thing" . i think i was wrong . my submission to the adversity of life was cowardly & being idle in life never helped anything or anybody . instead of standing still in life and allowing things to just 'happen', we have to make it happen .

i talked to my sister and i saw myself in her . she worked hard to mold the life she wanted . unfortunately, you cant control someone else's actions & her picture fell apart . sometimes we mold our lives like clay . we mesh, pull, rub, and mend until we have what WE WANT ...we try to quickly dry it ... to keep it hardened and solid . we never imagine that something will come along to make it all break into pieces . that discourages us . it's scary to think that you will have to sweep up the fragments of your work & simply "start over" like nothing happened .

but we can . I'm betting ALL of my chips on the hope that we have to fight for what we want out of life . whether it be for the career we want . the friends we want . the people we want . the marriage we want . the state of mind we want . we always say "it's in God's hands" . true . but we ALSO say, "God helps those who help themselves ." you cannot make someone else be in accordance with your desires . you cannot make someone's mind up for them . hell, you cant even stop God's plan . However, I'm not going to wait around and let life push me into corners . I'll buck back at life ...even if all i do is shift it by a centimeter. ill just shift life centimeter by centimeter until i have it where i want it .

God hurls miracles from such a far distance . the least i can do is walk in his direction to make the distance shorter . my friends, i suggest you learn to fight .

ma'am , why are you this angry ? =X

i dont know who saw this & who hasnt lol . but this big, beastly girl from Baltimore went IN on nicki minaj . she's angry for some reason ...beats me ? lol . SO, im posting this for three reasons :

1. she lowkey got off [cannot lie].
2. the dudes in the background are jokes [jst look at em, smh lol]
3. because she got in the cam & said, "it's bodymore bxtch" and she's scary as hell . im scared NOT to post this . lmbo =/

my people! my people! attn: sidelines ...

dear insecure girl,

he has a girlfriend . yes . this guy that you are facebook stalking, texting, sexing and pursuing . . . yes him . he has a girlfriend . you try to numb your mind from your conscience inside that tugs on your heart strings . you try to justify your actions with, "i don't even know her . i don't owe her anything ." mmm . don't you owe yourself something ? some self-respect, integrity or dignity ? i know those are big words that you have not yet grown into . all you understand is your tendency to perform like a retarded chimpanzee . hmm, i dont mean to sound like someone's grandma, but vital values have been lost in the ladies of our generation .

[yes, men are held accountable too & theyre wrong . however, this is addressed to my fellow women who allow this triflin' shxt to keep happenin' . so if you let that little fact cloud your judgement, start from the beginning and re-read with a clear mind ... like i was saying : ]

when a guy pursues me and he has a girlfriend, i know i deserve better than to be some boy's 'sideline ho' . even more so, i think about his girlfriend . i have seen too many girls distraught over their boyfriend cheating or leaving them for someone else . I DONT WISH THAT ON ANYBODY . trust me, i had to learn the hard way . i have BEEN the girl to swoop on another girl's man before and that is just BAD karma . i mean, i never crossed boundaries ...but i never drew the line either . isn't that just as bad ? what goes around comes around and trust me ... nobody cheat's God's lesson .

if stealing someone's boyfriend makes you feel 'good' about yourself than you're too insecure for life lol . if you think that qualifies you to be the 'baddest bitch' ...then you're a joke sweetie . being 'badd' doesn't mean opening your legs to make a man cheat . vagina is vagina , "he is not f*cking you for your mind" -thea monyee . messing with another girl's boyfriend only makes you look like a thirst-bucket slut who's desperate . not to mention you lose a lot of respect from people, they'll just call you a "snake" . but aren't you ? laying on your back & belly ... tryna tempt Adam & Eve from their focus ? HMMM, IM JUST SAYIN' LOL .

... to my friends [you know who you are] , dont give up on being good women . dont give up on love . lil ratchet girls always get what they deserve & with time, GOOD men eventually learn what's truly important in their woman . i love you guys :)

wishful wanting .

i want to . . .

hug you . kiss you . walk together . hold hands and skip down the street together . do the 'diddy' dance together . eat lobster . eat yams . with macaroni & cheese . cook with you . tacos, pasta, pancakes, oh , eat grilled cheese sandwiches . or peanut butter & banana sandwiches . hell, eat . watch heist movies . comedy movies . chick flicks . wait, spike lee movies .

i want to . . .

read to you . WRITE WITH YOU . do homework with you . sing songs to you . musiq soulchild . no beyonce . wait, hum to you ? smile at you . laugh with you . . .with only jokes that we understand . jog in place because we laugh so hard that i have to pee , with you [well, not pee with you] . sleep with each other . stay up 'cause insomnia with each other .

i want to . . .

shop with you . pick out shoes with you . no, clothes . . .whatever . learn with you . talk with you ... life, politics, music, past, present, future, love, family, nothing, ethics, perspectives . travel: go to paris with you . and milan, africa, fiji, west indies, greece, brooklyn, miami, san fransisco, hell . . . orange grove . cry with you . open up with you . do absolutely nothing with you . learn with you . pray with you . feel beautiful with you . grow with you . be around you . be with you .

one realization to recently smack me in the face ... we do not always get what we want . we just have to wait for God to provide what we need ♥

PART II: what men want .♥

after the 'what women want' was posted, i thought it was only fair that men got the chance to set their record straight . i was very impressed with the honesty, similarities & differences in the responses . if you are a woman or man who did not get to be heard, just comment & leave your perspective ! xoxo

"I love her and that's the beginning of everything." -F. Scott Fitzgerald .

NOAH SAID, "I want someone who loves God more than she loves me, first and foremost. Honesty, maturity and someone not ashamed of their insecurity. Someone I can trust not to drop my heart on a plowing field. And I want to be motivated by her ambition, cuz nothin says 'bautiful woman' like her drive!"

JAMES SAID, "a girl that has personality...someone that can make me laugh.and have goals that could inspire me to do even more..as well as see her progress..and someone that could just be 110% true and keep it real...as i would.."

TERREN SAID, "i want someone who can challenge and stimulate me intellectually . depth . i need to be able to have a good time with her no matter what . a looker , God fearing and supportive . knows how to give and take love [cough cough]. she gotta know that when i say it . . .it's real ."

HENRY SAID, "The truth is, men don't know what they want . we jump from nicki minaj to keri hilson to michelle obama . DON'T get me wrong i'm sure there are some guys out there with specific standards . I think a woman . . . my woman should be a compatible companion spiritually and mentally . we don't want much but when we find a girl that has everything we want, our WANTS turn to NEEDS . [shout out to lil steve]

DAREN SAID, "sex ...title-less relationships . Men want to be able to dominate women and have the women be exclusive to them, but feel that it's somehow warranted for them [men]to be with multiple girls . they also feel that without relationships, there is no commitment . therefore, they have no obligation to spend a certain amount of time with that person ."

DENNIS SAID, " Please understand that my emotions are in this as well.. I understand I'm a man and you being a woman you are reluctant to completely give yourself to me but I ask you to.. And I plan to do the same.. I want you to know that I will do anything for you.. I also want you to know that what I tell you is real I have no reason to lie, because your the one I plan to spend the rest of my life with.. Till the day I die . "

KENNETH SAID, "First off I want a woman . I want someone whose intelligent, I want a woman who's very caring but doesn't care what people think & doesn't want a relationship based on rules but solely on love, pretty much I want a lovechild . a lover who's nurturing and supportive . someone who understands that the connection between the mind and heart is far more than the physical, someone whose original, a best friend . "

well people , there you have it . a drip of the male psyche . hope you enjoyed it ! :]

ahh ! real monsters .

there's a monster in my closet .
not a skeleton exactly, but more of a ghost . yes a ghost . this terrifying ghost impersonates living memories, dying possibilities, and buried hope . it's a cruel little, large thing that taunts my heart everyday when i pass my closet . it reaches its claws at me to yank me in . . .and my soul runs towards safety . i tried to cram this little, large monster in between the rest of my things, distract me from its antagonizing . no use . it screams in the morning when im picking out my clothes & it snickers at night when im putting on my pj's .

even worse, no one else notices . it's making a piercing scream as i type, but no one hears it but me . it's shaking the hangers in my closet and scraping my shoes, but no one sees this but me . i want to grab it and stuff it in a garbage bag, suppress the oppressor . nevertheless, that would only anger it . im scared to get too close and have it chew at my heart . i swear it's not a figment of my imagination ! my tears are the video camera, case study, and evidence .

what women want .

"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." -Aristotle

JAMILA SAID, "im twenty years old, and i just want a twenty year old-type relationship . . . not the same one from when i was fourteen ."

TIFF SAID, "all i want is honesty . you can forgive an indiscretion, but not pathelogical lying ."

ELYSSE SAID, "i just wanna get as good as i give ."

FATIMA SAID, " i want a guy with morals and values ..that way we can grow beyond shallow, 'young love'."

MARTEE SAID, "the hell if i know . [pause] i want someone who loves me...more than he loves himself. a dude who can communicate with me as if he were getting paid to do so. someone who takes care of and respects the women in his life. someone who's NOT a quitter and realizes that you can only get as much as you give ."

SAMANTHA SAID, " i should never have to doubt my relationship or doubt that he is doing what he says he is ."

CORT SAID, "respectful . every single day no matter what . i want him to make me feel good even if it's just 'boo, you look beautiful today.'"

LEA SAID, "i want someone who's gunna make we wanna be a better person ."

STEVI SAID, "i want a bestfriend . i want my heart to convulse when i think of him . i want a provider and protector . someone who can provide raw, untamed love, honesty and vulnerability . someone who simply wants to protect me from the world , from pain . it's inevitable to be hurt by the one you love, but i want a guy who tries to treat me like 'fragile cargo' . a guy who can see me at his finish line . . . regardless of the obstacles, past, or hardship . i want a guy who wants me & only me by his bedside ."

the world has discovered a new planet, we have gotten the first black president, we are cloning animals, we have the technology to make people's buttocks bigger . the civil rights movement happened, the haulocast ended, electricity & airplanes were invented .
so much has changed, and yet . . . women still want the same kind of love, smh .

my people! my people!

BABIES ARE NOT BARBIES . they are not to be made lightly . if you are still claimed as a dependant on your parents taxes, you are not in the position to have a baby . if you cant pass the CAHSEE, you are not in the position to have a child . If you dont know that condoms arent enough, you should not be having a baby ! we need to be teaching our young girls about protection and the canon of 'wolf words' that men use . "ill pull out ." "if you loveeeeee me thennnn you would doooo it." "ill just stick the head in?" & "you don't get pregnant everrrry time." those lines are the ones that leave fifteen year old girls holding their inflated stomachs in the mirror .

secondly, people are having babies and dont even understand them . If your baby is quoting "five star chick" and "photoshoot" ... that is NOT cute ! lol . letting your infant watch bloody, gut-slashing movies is dumb ! babies booty shaking & rolling their eyes are NOT cute ! cursing in front of your babies is dumb . unfortunately, people think that their kids are incapable of understanding .
" Children younger than one year old can learn words for things outside their daily routine, despite widespread belief to the contrary on the part of many parents, educators and researchers, who think learning specific words does not begin until well into the second year. " - the Daily News Central .

instead of letting your kids watch rihanna music videos, they should be reading a book or watching some hooked on phonics videos . babies don't have a choice about the life they are brought into . if you didn't graduate high school, it's your responsibility to give your child the option . if you are living in poverty, it's your responsibility to give up those high heels for educational programs . it's not fair for a child to be burdened by the mind of an immature parent . grow up my people .

"she doesnt even go here !"

if you dont like mean girls (boy or a girl) ... youre out of your mind . lol

for what ? jst because .

RANDOMS [:

i am nineteen .
and i am constantly learning more about myself every single second of the day .
& i love it .
i fell in love with fuchsia, it's 'my color' lol . i never fail to laugh at pineapple express, kevin hart's stand up comedy, the office, and spongebob =X .
i love God . he's not my 'trend' , he's my everything .
tulips ♥ .
i love to support the people that i love . i honestly want to see them do well .
'a different world' is the best show of all time !!
i have a problem with sniffing hand sanitizer . if anyone knows of the long term affects, please contact me =/ lol .
i love the smell of payless shoe stores and the spelman post office . crazy .
i am perfectly happy with being a nerd . "cool" isnt half as 'cool' as it seems .
early detection saves lives . rip mommy :]
i LOVE music and i have no problem being opinionated about artists !!
yes , i tend to be a smart ass o_O.
ill lay my life down for my brother or father . they mean the world to me .
i hate the word "baddie" . gross =X
i love johnsonjohnson products ♥ .
yes , i am a very confident person . i know that God made me for a specific purpose .
i REFUSE to compete with other girls in the 'cattyness' . my only competition is myself ;)
one of my goals in life is to reach out to young girls . & help them love themselves .
i have a love/hate relationship w. *spelman* . . . thats a different post in itself .
i regret nothing .
oh ! i like this picture because i look about 15 pounds heavier than normal . makes me laugh :X

. . . any questions about me? life? music ? or hand sanitizer info (lmfbo)FORMSPRING ME [:

my people! my people!

as a person, i hold myself to a very high standard and i tend to be hard on myself to succeed and excel in life . with that being said, i am also hard on the people i love to be the best they can be . . . including Black men . so i have a public service announcement .

BLACK MEN .

i feel for you . i may not give you the credit you deserve, but you are truly a diamond in the rough of America's terrain . im not saying that you have it the hardest and im not saying that you have an excuse not to succeed . please don't mistake what i am saying as such . HOWEVER, i am saying that i applaud the Black men who are trying to succeed . . . regardless of their circumstances .

but perhaps you do not know the circumstances ? Black men struggle not only to succeed in society, but also to motivate themselves when no one else will . Ever since i was a young girl, my mom and dad have been breathing down my neck; they made sure i tried my best in life... but even more importantly, they told me that i was special . they told me that i was capable of doing anything i wanted . they made me believe that they would support me through it all . they did the same for my brother .
a lot of young men do not have that support system ... or the expectation . they are simply told, "graduate high school and dont get no girl pregnant" . they are expected to go to work after highschool and do what they can . therefore, if they want to go into higher education . . . they are forced to pump themselves up to get an education and develop values . If i get tired of college, i know that i need to suck it up and push through because my parents sacrificed for me to be here . However, a lot of Black males feel discouraged while in school, and are only encouraged to quit by their families -_- . "school is too expensive" and "i dont feel like filling out your FASFA" or "you NEED to get a job !!" i know its hard to be your own cheerleader, so im here to let you know I SEE YOU (:

so, to all the Black men out there who are self-motivators and pushing the limits of what you were 'labeled' to do ... i applaud you and i am so proud of you . to all the men who are first to graduate high school or first to go to college, you can do it .

XOXO,
stevi renee .

spring clean .

i am a slave to my imagination . . .
this merciless tyrant torments my mind.
with its hand, it draws back the bull whip of reality . then . smacks the leather across my sanity .
when i reach peace, my imagination releases the hounds of capability .
i shield my face and brace myself in fear . . . & right before i piss my pants, the ravenous dogs disappear into the thick air .

Air so thick in fact, that i cannot breathe .
dreams of the "unrealistic" suffocating me in my sleep that wake me up, asking if it was "all a dream?"
my 'ma`ssah' that controls me with sweet scenarios that make my soul sick .
my imagination, control freak superior that dangles the impossible in my face .

Just when i think im focused on the only clear reality,
my savage imagination dips my pride and dignity into acid .
this authoritarian paints pretty pictures of "no ways" and "yeeeah rights" until my spirit is fractured, and panting on the floor for air .
this affliction is not fair .
locking my mind in a room to itself, then filling the space with locations, lyrics, clouds, cop-outs, scapegoats and windows .

BUT while my mind takes the torture, my spirit perseveres, my self-respect perseveres, my faith in God perseveres . One man's filth is another man's fortune. welp, God never fails to treat me like a trunk full of treasure . so, here & now ... i lend myself to God's plan . a rebellion against my imagination .

quote , end quote .

"Being realistic is the most commonly traveled road to mediocrity . Why would you be realistic ? The second i decide to do it, it's already done ." - Will Smith , actor .

respect the hustle .

support my boy tommy james .


download "Higher" - Jae Tommy.
written & produced by: Himself.

hit that link: http://limelinx.com/files/d4aa28d0e25e166a7c7a58bc42926d31


support my girl neshema's clothing line called 'BLife' . really cute clothes !
hit that link:
http://www.blifela.com.

le nouveau l'altruiste

you're here .
always, youre here .
when the sun shines, you wait patiently . when the inevitable storms come, you are right behind me ... umbrella in hand . days, months, and years past . . . i step on your heart , right by you i pass . nevertheless, youre quite relentless & wait for me to mosey on your way . my heart would squint at you, ask why you stick around ? when you need me, im selfish and nowhere to be found . but you're grounded in me ...the friend i need and did not know it . & regardless of my occupied heart, you never fail to show it .

but you're always the sixth man .
time in and time out, you wait patiently on your bench of devotion . you watch intently as i lose games after games . & it's ironic how you dont play any . simply someone so honest . so honest in fact, that i couldnt take you seriously. . . thought you had to be a joke . well friend, im wiping my eyes and theyre wide awoke . i used to think you were a person trying to use my weakness to play your strengths, one of those people under the net tryna catch the ball off the rim . but im liftin off my shades like dwayne , forget the bull, the nonsense, the lies and pain . i just wanna thank you for bein the humble friend, not lookin' for stevi fame . you know me . the individuals havin, adidas wearin, lunch pale girl with my mind as the proof . you know i would never throw stones, just speak the truth .

but here's my twist , im telling you to leave . go spend your time where it's truly worth it . i cant ruin the pure with the contamination of society's culprits . ive been unfair for the past gazzilion years ... letting you always be there and wipe the tears . i can see the hope in your eyes, tap dancing for my affection . saying what you wouldnt do, what you would ... and i used to let you pour yourself into a puddle of vulnerable. its not fair . set yourself free . im a mess and i damn sure aint tryna be your damsel in distress . i dont need a knight, even if you think that's what's best . stop spilling yourself, stop using this 'L' word, stop putting yourself on the front line ...just go and find a girl that's reflective of you, simply one of a kind .

too many chiefs, not enough indians .

Dialogue makes the world go 'round .

I'm learning now that the conversations we have with people mold us into who we are . ideas are the clay to our soul . the ideas that we reject and the ideas that we receive make the difference in our personality . However, where do we get these ideas ? conversation .

conversation with my father teaches me about self respect and dignity . conversations with my grandparents teach me about dedication and wisdom . dialogue with my friend Fatima teaches me about society's perception and individualism . dialogue with my friend Kelinda shows me the presence and power of God . simply, conversation makes the world go around .

Today, in a shuttle to LAX i met a man from the Republic of Slovenia . He said it was the only country with the word 'love' in the middle [who knows if he was telling the truth? lol] . He had gray and black peppered hair and a round, large nose . his ears were very hairy, but his eyes were full and dark with mystique. He honestly reminded me of the old guy from the movie "Up". He introduced himself in a strong, raspy voice and said, "Vwhere Ahre Yoo Headeed?" I told him, "Spelman College in Atlanta." He asked me what i was studying and i told him English and creative writing . He smiled and told me that he was writing a book about his life . Interested, i asked him to elaborate and he told me stories about people he has met, his life as an engineer at JPL, the importance of education and the war .

Then he looked at me and said, "Yoo Luke Like Yoo 'ave a story too tell". I nodded it off and he still stared . He explained that there was a time when he was my age and he had a dream . He said in his dream, everything was blank & he felt as if his future was empty ... a story yet to be told . He told me that my future was "blank" (and kept asking me if i understood which kind of annoyed me lol) . He told me, "Yoo do note know who yoo vwill marry, how many keeds yoo vwill ave, ohre wvat career yoo wvill ave . Do not plan, just live mah dahrling."

dialogue makes the world go 'round . i felt like God put me in that conversation for a reason . i "wvill" store his words in the file room of my soul (:

. . . off we go .

"we grown."

your burning, bastard heart . this heart that burned with passion but scorched the ones around you . this bastard heart, rationalizing faults but faulting nonetheless . so scared to be honest, so scared to be loyal ... a bastard heart with a barren vagina, incapable of birthing courage . immature in it's half empty shell, it lashes out and bullies the things closest to it . it lashes out and pushes the limits of right and wrong . it bullied me .

"i fucked up" are the words of an underdeveloped heart . pretending to care just to have an insurance policy are actions of an immature heart . running from feelings, a symptom of a naive corazon . age doesn't make us grown, the heart does . pumping blood throughout the body for 20 years don't make it grown . hiding from responsibility does not make a heart grown . loving when convenient don't make a heart grown . lying, deceiving, manipulating, & hiding does not make a heart grown . your burning, bastard heart . . . still on the carpet of your grandmother's house watching cartoons and toying with everything, including emotions .

yes, I'm grown .. and thank you for the growth spurt .

gold .

testosterone testimony .

he told me, "it's important to be with someone who respects you . but it's also important for the person to be into you . they don't have to be crazy obsessive or nothin', but their room needs to light up when you walk in . . ."

he's right . no one wants to be around someone who makes the day luke warm . we strive to find someone in life who can make us smile without saying [anything at all] . we strive to find someone who can simply appreciate what makes us... us .

he said, "when your mom walked into the room at a get-together (old folk talk haha), she came right to me . she didn't care about people seein that i was one of the most important people in her life . it was the same with me . when i walked into the room, i went to hug her first ... in front of my homies . there was no need to play games ."

mmm . he's right . being so consumed with how people perceive you can destroy a good thing . people are so worried about the 'he say, she say' . . . well, rumors and judgement can't keep you warm at night . the bullshxt will come & go, but a good thing . . . that's somethin to hold on to .

he's said, "you'll always come across someone more attractive ... eventually . there's always gunna be someone that makes you think 'what if i would've dated her?' or 'damn, she bad'. but i knew that there was NO ONE who could love and support me like your mom ."

yup, he's right . imma be graphic so excuse me . but men are so concerned about how fine a girl is and how there are so many to choose from . if you've seen three vaginae, you've seen em all . i mean, honestly ... if sex is the only thing driving your relationships then you're in for a rude awakening . & women are so worried about snatching up ANY guy who blinks in their direction , neglecting the love and support system they need .

he said, "it's all about self control ."

he is right . people think money and sex is the key to feeling powerful , psh . being in control of your own actions . . . that gives the biggest fulfillment . you know that feeling when you dont reeeally wanna do something, but you re tempted and cave in . how small do you feel after ? self control does not come over night, it takes time and practice . but once it's acquired, you feel your strongest .

yupp, that's what my dad told me today . smart man .

glitter is only glass .

inconsistent lover . stroking your neck with diamonds, but scraping off your flesh at the exact, same time . this lover . . . that puts foxes on your back, but the same fox sinks teeth into the skin . showers of gems, g-shocks, and jail bail slide down your spine ... but it cant take the pressure . it'll be sure to crack , after all ...this lover is crack . while you push aside sunshine and flowers, you're tip-toe'n & sleeping with money & power .

but she's an inconsistent lover . whispering "too sweet" nothings in your ear, yet giving your soul diabetes . you cannot love a lover who hugs you just to twist a knife in your side . gold-plated Rolexes that rub the space between your thighs . she made sure to take the place of your penis . . . now, if someone threatens to take her away, you shiver at the thought of castration . when you're cold, she makes a quilt out of government paper, staining your body in green . see, once your lover can call you her own, she wants the world to know .

& you'll declare it to the world without even knowing . you'll lynch your soul without even knowing it . gold chains that feed your chest, while your child's stomach howls at the moon . Spinning rims for a spinning lifestyle . you'll kiss farewell to the former owners of your heart: generosity, humilty, and love . Burning your veins like cocaine, your inconsistent lover pours hate into the bloodstream, except it never leaves you poor .

. . . the best lovers teach you the right things, strengthen your character, and make your soul free to love . what has $$ taught you ?

duck by duck .

Remember when your parents would plan romantic evenings alone? Remember when you had to leave and stay with a relative for a weekend? Yeah. It's because they had the "house to themselves". That phrase is way is bigger than you'd think. Having "the house to ourselves" meant that the rules were handcuffed to the mailbox outside. "The house to ourselves" meant there was peace... tranquility. In this house, love is the wallpaper, passion is the carpeting.

well...

Lets have the world to ourselves. Lets send the kids,"Distraction" and "Insecurity" away for the weekend period. We'll have the world to ourselves. NO RULES, NO INHIBITIONS, NO OBSTACLES. We can bend gravity to kiss our feet. We can dip our hands in the here and now and we can bathe in the better or for worst.

We are not frozen & oven-made. we are not generic. lets have the world to ourselves for the weekend. we can strangle the rules for the weekend. we aren't stuffed with artificial preservatives, glucose, or corn syrup. we'll break the boundaries into pieces and glue them into the shape we choose. how could they generic brand us? how could they label us basic? all we need is the world to ourselves. all we need is peace ... tranquility.

a special thanks to my stenographer in this project ♥ ... much appreciated .

ta-ta for now o_O

dear bloggers/followers/readers/anyone who cares ,

i will be on a quick blog break . it really sucks and i wish i didn't have to, but i think im developing carpal tunnel in my wrist and arm ... this makes it EXTREMELY painful to type . i have been typing & texting with my left hand hoping that it would get the job done , but that takes forever to get my thoughts across o_O. im gunna ice my wrist & try to find a sling (lmfbo). i can only 'not write' for so long . so i plan to be back on MARCH 12, 2010 :]

i appologize to the people who read everyday . i really love you guys, you're awesome and so supportive ! im going home this week and ill have more ammunition & inspiration to write about when i come back .. with three (exceptional) new posts , i promise . see you all on the 12th !

xoxo,
Stevi renee .

understanding .

On that sunny September day, i sat in front of Huntington Hospital with tears streaming down my face . on that sunny September day, i was in my father's chest, staring at the stale look of despair in my brother's face .

but this isn't about that . this is about you, Dad .

i remember wondering how tomorrow was going to feel without her . i didn't say much & everything was covered in a surreal, daze-ey fog . i sat on my bed trying to feel warm . and while i fell apart upstairs, down those stairs . . . you dealt with the world so i wouldn't have to . you dealt with people wanting to pray with you EVERY 10 minutes, people in your face, people bringing enough food to fill the fridge inside and the freezer outside . People thought they were comforting us, but in all actuality, we had to entertain the hundreds of people who floated in and out of the house constantly . i could see how tired you were and i could see the emptiness in your eyes ... but you kept a smile and soft voice for me and Dallas .

i remember you saying, "I just don't wanna believe that this was all the happiness that God had in store for me." At sixteen, i didn't understand the full extent of that phrase . I forgot she was your favorite person, best friend, and the love of your life . I forgot that you guys had a past before me and D, i forgot you made plans, I forgot that the good always outweighed any bad with you two . Trying to see where your life would go from that sunny day in September . . . was impossible for you . seeing happiness past that Huntington moment was impossible . To lose the love of your life so quickly is worse than taking a bullet ... the wound doesn't heal .

i just want you to know that i understand now . I just want you to know that your strength surpasses anything that i have ever seen before . You should know that i see your love & i see the closest perfection to a man, father, and husband ... in you . we argue, we talk down to each other, we never see eye to eye ... but that doesn't matter . i see the God in you .

I LOVE YOU .

only aholes aspire .

Jaime sat in the back of the class fiddling with her pencil . She glanced up at the clock to see if it was 10:50 yet , time for recess . not even close . she quietly snuck into her backpack and pulled out a bag of gummy worms . she tried to open the package without making too much noise . sweet success . now, all she had to do was wait for Ms. Patterson to turn back to the board and that red & blue gummy worm (those were the best ones) would travel through space, time, and boring air to reach her taste buds . mmmm , yummy .

"Jaime, are you eating in my class?" Ms. Patterson asked sternly . Oh no, she could always tell when Jaime was lying .

"No, Ms.P" Jaime said with her left eye twitching .

"Give it here," Ms.Patterson held out her hand . Luckily, the nasty yellow and orange gummies were the only ones left . Ms. Patterson wrote Jaime's name on the board for 5 minutes detention . Jaime smacked her teeth and sunk into her blue, plastic chair. She couldn't wait until she was a 6th grader, this would all be over. "Now Jaime, contribute to the conversation!"

For the past hour, kids had to stand up and express what they wanted to be when they got older and why . Kids said they wanted to be firefighters, police officers, the president, and one girl even said she wanted to work at Six Flags Magic Mountain . Ms. Patterson smiled at all of these "adorable" answers and now it was Jaime's turn . She swallowed hard . In order to get her detention erased, she had to come up with a good answer . . .

"I wanna be a doctor and save the lives of folks" she said nervously, eye twitching .

"Don't lie to me," Ms. Patterson scowled and jaime shrugged . She decided she would be honest, but she knew she would probably get more detention .

"When i grow up, i wanna be in love . Psh, a doctor ? They can't reeeeally fix a broken heart . They cant even make a heart skip a beat . They can't hold the wings of butterflies in my tummy when i meet my husband . A doctor can save a life, but that don't make it worth nothin'. I wanna make money, but i wanna make love more . I wanna have a house, but i dont wanna be alone in it . I want someone to hold my hand and bring me reece's 'cause they're my favorite . I want a boy to tell me i'm pretty everyday so i don't forget . I want a boy who don't cheat . . . or else i'll have my big brother beat him up . I want to be in love when i grow up ."

Jaime got five more minutes added to her detention

i almost passed out . seriously .

♥

Okay , dont ask me who this dude is anymore lol . i have no idea . . . i just saw the video & his poems are just awesome . click the link for "strong women" too , beautiful .