understanding .

On that sunny September day, i sat in front of Huntington Hospital with tears streaming down my face . on that sunny September day, i was in my father's chest, staring at the stale look of despair in my brother's face .

but this isn't about that . this is about you, Dad .

i remember wondering how tomorrow was going to feel without her . i didn't say much & everything was covered in a surreal, daze-ey fog . i sat on my bed trying to feel warm . and while i fell apart upstairs, down those stairs . . . you dealt with the world so i wouldn't have to . you dealt with people wanting to pray with you EVERY 10 minutes, people in your face, people bringing enough food to fill the fridge inside and the freezer outside . People thought they were comforting us, but in all actuality, we had to entertain the hundreds of people who floated in and out of the house constantly . i could see how tired you were and i could see the emptiness in your eyes ... but you kept a smile and soft voice for me and Dallas .

i remember you saying, "I just don't wanna believe that this was all the happiness that God had in store for me." At sixteen, i didn't understand the full extent of that phrase . I forgot she was your favorite person, best friend, and the love of your life . I forgot that you guys had a past before me and D, i forgot you made plans, I forgot that the good always outweighed any bad with you two . Trying to see where your life would go from that sunny day in September . . . was impossible for you . seeing happiness past that Huntington moment was impossible . To lose the love of your life so quickly is worse than taking a bullet ... the wound doesn't heal .

i just want you to know that i understand now . I just want you to know that your strength surpasses anything that i have ever seen before . You should know that i see your love & i see the closest perfection to a man, father, and husband ... in you . we argue, we talk down to each other, we never see eye to eye ... but that doesn't matter . i see the God in you .

I LOVE YOU .