LMEFFINXO .

"i dont want no mutha**** cupcake! Mannnn im boo , no bupbakes for me ." - terren turrentine.

sorry folks, this made me laugh too hard today. i guess this will have to be an insider *shrug* lol .

have some laughes tonight, enjoy yourself, and most importantly, [be SAFE !] we like to think we're invincible during NYE but we arent. make wise choices .

brilliant .

"Love never hurt me, expectations did. You don't expect somebody to lie, cheat, or break promises. It's the expectations that hurt, not love. Love actually helps you get through the pain. Love for yourself, love from your family and friends, and love for life. Don't blame it on love."
- Landre .


check out his blog: http://8dayweeks.blogspot.com/

'run nigga run'

"Higher Learning"

fearless refreshing ;

my Disney soundtrack started skipping this year . little blue bird songs are now sexy woes. the story's in pandemonium, but this is how it goes:

January is the antagonist to the almost was sob story .
blowing cool breezes on my wet face on the porch of brick brownstones .
pianos kept playing in the background- but not Stevie, more like Bach .

February, filled with red, black&blue hearts; but i Marched through the blur nonetheless .

April sprang spring on me like a "late" phone call .
but i bounced back at her .
for every drip of sap to fall, i styled my hair with it .

Mayday Mayday , shifts occurred - my mind made a shift & the world heard;
June kissed me good morning & massaged my shoulders into my twentieth year .

August left me reckless & rash . snatching pieces of arms & abs -folding them into my cleavage . nostalgic of last years' April - everything does not dig into the heart .

October fell down like a light mist on my mind & I'm not the same girl that i was . A fractured promise to the old me - crusted over with intellect & cold, but emotion & warmth puddled in my crevices . a woman, coming into my own .

December has me in a land of contemplation & peace of mind. spring cleaning in the snow, with some helping hands. blushing, smiling, and laughing like i should... anxious for what is next. see you soon 2011 :]

ladies&gents:

"when you love a man, he becomes more than a body. His physical limbs expand, and his outline recedes, vanishes. He is rich and sweet and right. He is part of the world, the atmosphere, the blue sky and the blue water."

- Miss Gwendolyn Brooks.

love given where it's due:

check out jamila's blog post:

http://beautiful--vision.blogspot.com/

"Here's what i dont want to see in 2011" aha , thank YOU jamila . i agree !

fancy philosophy .

i wonder if Socrates knew that his statement was profound,
"i know that i know nothing".

it never fails to intrigue me when people brag about "knowing who they are". me ? i am complex, delicate, strong, smart, pretty, ugly, dark, humble, outspoken, introverted, and numerous other adjectives that could fill volumes of books . i am proud to admit that i am not boring enough to understand myself. with all of my layers, i could never be decoded within 20 measily years.

if you still surprise yourself, you don't know yourself. events throughout life crack open rusty, emotional vaults within ourselves that we did not know existed. i never knew i had a cold, bitter bone in my body until my mother died. i never thought i could be upset with God until my mother died. i never thought i could make peace with God and have a better relationship then before ... until i did . i cannot speak for every one's dark time . hell, i cant even say that everyone has had a "dark time". sometimes the heroes perish and the villains get married & live happily ever after. all i know is that i know nothing .

time and circumstance place velvet soft layers and masks on us as humans. when girls become mothers, i would imagine they find a gentleness that has been buried due to past trials. when men become fathers ... they become killers - willing to dismantle and diminish anything that stands in the way of their little girl's happiness. we strap on our career layers on with time, our husband/wife layers on with time, drug addict layers, alcoholic layers, gold-digger-man-hating layers ... with time . you never thought you could be INSECURE until that freak accident that left 75% of your body burned. you never thought you'd date the 'good guy' until the bad boys left you heartbroken. you can't believe you were dumb enough to think that there was even two types of guys in the first place. we learn, we dig within, we discover the artifacts of our soul. if you think you know yourself, you won't until you inhale you're last breath and lock it away in the depths of your body.

i do not understand humans .
i do not understand the government .
i do not understand myself half the time .

Socrates was wrong, i KNOW one thing. it is a dehydrated, fools gold trap to believe that you've figured yourself out . all we can do as humans ... is let God unwrap the beautiful things we are.

rudy fransisco

T0DAY; N0T T0M0RR0W.

honestly, i feel like my attention has been in 20,000 places at the same time "/. my number one priority right now is making sure this fundraiser turns out like it should. im using this space to thank everyone for the prayers, donations, love & support ! The "Money Mixer" should be a great turnout - we have people coming from west hollywood, pasadena, inland empire, ... psh, the valley! everywhere.

i absolutely HATE that my sister had to spend her christmas in a hospital bed. if we can help to raise money, this will all be a thing of the past. i know everyone can not attend, but you can still make a difference. this is not 'some girl', this is my best friend. while people are buying cool greys & ipads, there are people who just want to feel physically GOOD.

everyone is invited tomorrow. this situation is so beyond beefs, pettiness, and/or drama. people will behave lol ... this is a cause that is BIGGER than anything else. please donate :] www.cotaforsamanthad.com

-- december 25th .

merry christmas !
remember what's important this season . enjoy time spent with family & friends . this year's gifts will be boring by next year; hopefully the love shared today will remain fresh and long lasting .

beating the 'boys club'

okay. as a disclaimer, i have some bones to pick w/ both of these ladies. nevertheless, no one is perfect . while keri hilson has evolved into some excessively narcissistic, arrogant monster ... she is a great songwriter, smart & she understands the romantic dynamic between powerful women & men.

similarly, nicki minaj has gained a lot of respect from me. not lyrically, because i still think she's 'gimmicky' lol . nevertheless, she too has a pretty insightful outlook on being a "boss" in a sexist industry full of men. and you cant knock her hustle, because she stays true to her persona... or multiple identities? ionno lol .

not to mention chelsea is hilarious:

posted at 2:20pm on twitter.

"I can see why you'd make Christmas about Santa. He brings you cheap plastic toys. All I did was die for your sins."
- signed twitter jesus .

a GREAT cause .

Come support Samantha Dancer as we fundraise for her bone marrow transplant! Until recently, there were no alternatives to battle sickle cell! With this bone marrow transplant (costing approx. $70,000) Samantha will be sickle cell free and back to good health! We're getting together to support our friend! For more info go to: http://www.cotaforsamanthad.com/

date: december 26th

time: 6pm-12:30am

place: 360 atelier - 7669 Melrose avenue Los Angeles, CA (cross street spaulding & diagonal from urban outfitters)

THIS IS NOT A SAD/BORING EVENT! COME PARTY FOR A GOOD CAUSE!

- MUSIC ALL NIGHT BY DJ SPINTELECT.
- PHOTOBOOTH TO REMEMBER YOUR NIGHT!
- REFRESHMENTS
- LOTS OF FRIENDS & FUN!

***YOUR DONATION TO SAMANTHA'S TRANSPLANT FUND WILL BE YOUR ENTRANCE TO THE PARTY! (MINIMUM OF $5)***

We are accepting ALL donations!! Ask your parents, friends, coworkers, break piggy banks! The sooner we make $70,000 the sooner she's healthy!

EVERYONE IS WELCOME TO COME! THE MORE THE MERRIER!!!

platonic is pretty.

"i guess im playing with fire & fire is a bully ;
when i said i didn't care, i guess i could've fooled me .
burnt my finger tips, lips, and hips .
these feeli-cant say it, i won't let it slip ."

the ambition brackets ;

FACT: with such a high statistic of black men in prison, homosexual (out&closeted), and lacking a high school diploma, it's refreshing to see guys who are blessed enough to create opportunities for themselves.
MYTH: being a black man with a bachelors degree does not constitute a pat on the back from the cold, cruel world. they will eat men alive (including the chips they carry on their shoulders).

i have come to learn that ambition can lead you into many different mentalities. two stand out to me the most:

I. the blind ambition boy:
sometimes, there are guys who have a completely misconstrued idea of what success means. i'm not here to preach on the typical points of 'money isn't everything', but it's important to understand that human connection & flashy 'things' are not interchangeable. i asked a guy what he wanted out of life and he said, "man i wanna make it. i want a nice house, car, career, and wife." the day that a man puts me in the same bracket as his range rover is a pathetic one. materialistic goals do not bother me as much as the fact that they are dull, predictable, and lack any real imagination at all. we all want to be financially comfortable & stable, fine . but these mind drone, stereotypical perceptions of success cause these driven men to be the ones who lead double lives, visit the strip club more than their kids' football games, and turn their backs on ethical reasoning . they get so caught up in their expensive suits and 'look at me with my degree' that they take themselves entirely too serious.

II. the rare ambitious men.
these guys are genuine in spirit. they understand that education is not only a meal ticket, but a pathway to social, political, psychological, and spiritual enlightenment. they understand that luxuries are only comforts but not things that make or break him. he stands on things more firm than superficial concepts of 'importance'. i asked another guy what he wanted to do in life, he answered that he wanted to see the world and live life to the fullest every single day. he expressed that family was important to him and he wanted that one day. it may not be profound, but it came from an honest, wise place. i feel sorry for the men who are so concerned with this 'wealthy black man' persona that they neglect the abstract things in life: dignity, integrity, spontaneity, spirituality, intelligence and REAL leadership. they understand that having three years of college education under a belt does not make a man God's chocolate-wrapped gift to the earth.it is SO attractive to meet driven, black men who are grounded and humble- giving all credit where it is deserved... God.

it's abouuut to go DOWN !

he's the funniest comedian . don't question me on this -

joy, blessings, and goodness to you .

holiday "haunt me" list:


i want a new watch, my favorite one broke & im sad .

i want an ipod . i think im the only person breathing on earth without one . when they first came out, i convinced myself that they were a "phase" ... it's nine years later & i look stupid .

i'd love a spa date . lol

nevertheless, all of those things are superficial .

--------

while the time period between november to february is said to be a time of celebration and festive atmosphere, it is no secret that a lot of people are depressed during the holidays. people get so confused because of society's portrayal of "the holidays" that they become unsatisfied with what they have . they see walmart commercials of superficial goodies, Kay Jeweler ads where it seems like everyone and their mother can afford tacky diamond-heart necklaces, and huge SUV's that are somehow put into big stockings and squeezed into living rooms . these depictions of christmas are pathetic, but expected from the capatilistic tendencies of america .

the holidays are a time meant for reflection and appreciation . i know it sounds cliche, but honestly people miss the real meaning behind the holidays every year . it's an easy thing to do, but we have a responsibility to keep ourselves in check . do you have fully working limbs? do you have any family or friends who care about you? do you have a roof over your head? clothes on your back? something you enjoy/something you're passionate about? (i really hope you answered yes to one of these things lol).

just ... know that you are blessed, a relationship with God should be #1 on your christmas list .

radio raheem's battle of love&hate .

it's my favorite movie for a reason .

uhmm ... yea .

this idiot was eight feet away and missed everyone ... thank God, but still an idiot . and the lady tried to disarm him with a PURSE ? come on panama city, do better lol .
-the moral of the story is ... people are crazy , smh . there are too many people in the world who feel insignificant, or small, or misunderstood . he felt like his wife and his livelihood were thrown away like garbage, it happens all the time . be careful "/

laughing freely

for all the girls who are annoyed- just say this:

i no longer care about your attention .
and i say this at the risk of sounding inconsiderate, brash, and perhaps even arrogant . i can live with all of those titles but the latter .
you see, i wasted a lot of time bathing in humility and broken mirrors- trying to justify being disrespected and unappreciated. - not seeing myself in all entirety . my skin wrinkled up like prunes and i smelled of lilacs and disappointment .

-blah, blah, blah ... lungs sore from the same story-telling .
-blah,blah,blah ... mind is offended because it was given a puzzle produced for ages 4-5 . so simple, that i tried to make it more complicated ; some men are screw ups. some guys are crazy . some guys are not worthy . this is the last time ill paint it clear ...

signed,
still BORED .

=D

support the good good .

culture and media are more so aesthetics than concepts . check these guys out , swag :

flickr.com/stackthispaper

&&

flickr.com/photos/dennis_craig

time served.

my friend once said, "He doesn't love me, he just loves being in love. he loves the thought of me."
i took that statement and stuffed it in my back pocket for a while, kept it close . now it means the world to me :

some people are so focused on being loved & adored that they cannot see how they fail to love their counterparts . they convince themselves that "this is the one", but they simply don't want to be alone . they cringe at the thought of emotional failure, meanwhile painting a veil on the people they supposedly care so much about . to want to "love" somebody, to be IN love with somebody really ? it means complete and utter selflessness .

in a strange sense YOU should have nothing to do with the other person . your flaws, wants, insecurities and needs are irrelevant because you are glued to that other person's soul .- not their face, credentials, popularity in society, or fashion sense -all diminishable . some people got the love game all twisted and that can be like giving an AK-47 to a five year old El Salvadorian boy . even when you scream at him to put the gun down, he wont understand a thing you're saying .

yes, it's volatile .

everyday .

and he said,

"It's cool to admire people for their artistic expression and even be inspired by it. But there are those people who are too busy admiring that they don't know how to create ."

and then my heart grinned .

clear some air .

i need to explain some things .
i am not a basket case and i hope my literary pieces to not exude that impression .

yes, i have seen death up close and personal .

yes, i have suffered loss .
yes, i have been in love before .
yes, i have been heartbroken before .
yes, i have had problems, dilemmas, and trials .
yes, it has made me into who i am .

but WHO HASN'T dealt with these things ?

my days cannot ST0P because things "fall apart" . it has happened one too many times in my life for me to dwell in a stupor over it . you have to take the time to pieces things back together and work towards building that bridge .

i have grown pretty fond being told the raw, passionate truth . it would be a disgrace to my maturity as a person to settle for hidden testimonies, half-assed declarations of adoration and/or torn emotion ever again . i hope this inspires a girl out there who will one day understand the meat-market weighing of quality affection and honesty .

and gwen there was light ! ♥

To Be In Love by gwendolyn brooks

To be in love
Is to touch with a lighter hand.
In yourself you stretch, you are well.
You look at things
Through his eyes.
A cardinal is red.
A sky is blue.
Suddenly you know he knows too.
He is not there but
You know you are tasting together
The winter, or a light spring weather.
His hand to take your hand is overmuch.
Too much to bear.
You cannot look in his eyes
Because your pulse must not say
What must not be said.
When he
Shuts a door-
Is not there_
Your arms are water.
And you are free
With a ghastly freedom.
You are the beautiful half
Of a golden hurt.
You remember and covet his mouth
To touch, to whisper on.
Oh when to declare
Is certain Death!
Oh when to apprize
Is to mesmerize,
To see fall down, the Column of Gold,
Into the commonest ash.

a sizzling sidebar

narcissistic can be defined as a person having an "overtly inflated idea of their importance" . because of these 'all about me' social networking sites, i try to fight off the idea that everything and anything is relative to me ... i think that's working out for the best . i find that it can be the difference between Nirvana and Armageddon .

english major mental breakdown

here at spelman, the boundaries and capabilities of my mind are constantly stretched like spandex . with a major in english, i read SO many books, critical essays, plays and poems that i don't know what to do with myself . i recently read a book that forced me to sympathize with a man who beat his wife ... i never thought i could . that isnt all:

poems that illustrated rape and pain . books that misconstrue the line between ethical and immoral . critical essays that challenge the labels of 'black, negro, african american, colored, and nigger". plays that portray a black man's spiritual castration and emasculation, some that depict the suffering of unappreciated women . i read about Haiti and their cholera crisis . i read about obama and wondered how he handles being stuck in a sea full of republican sharks ? world hunger, child abuse, cancer, HIV, identity crisis in the black community, humanity woes ... whoaaaaaaaa !!

call me selfish, but sometimes trying to reflect on all the issues and problems with the world can be overwhelming. i think one of my biggest fears is to become one of those ...

"serious people" . they are so focused with the imperfections of the world that they cannot see the beauty . they are those people at the dinner table who always have some 'educated response' to add. "well actuallyyyyy..." or "on the contraryyyy" or "excuuuuuse me? well, i have never !" they are offended by every comment and remark, they see humor as a nuisance instead of a necessity . yes, this blog is my outlet for any emotion, thoughts, social commentary, or expression .


.. but sometimes, i like to just take in a deep breath of this polluted air surrounding our deteriorating, global-warmed earth & laugh a little ;)

everyday is saturday night .

a wacky testosterone whirlwind .
where eyes, lips, arms, abs, and adam's apples bend ;
or any other generic male name
once the tongue speaks, it's all one in the same ?

qualifications and burdens shaken and stirred
ambitious, independent cheater, caring, needy, loving, liar, activist, - what a blur .
i'll close my eyes and duck duck goose you .
i suppose you're all interchangeable .

"you're not opening up to me"
"why you not f*ckin' with me?"
"you looked good last night ..."
"i bet you got a man, right ?"

maybe, in this masculine mush is "the one"
a guy that 'gets me' with a huge heart, weighs a ton .
but like drake said, "knowing me i missed it . cause me dedicating
my time just isn't realistic ."

dont double standard me & shake your head,
men think this all the time .
a genuine, logical thought
it just so happened to rhyme ...

-- my freakin' family .

`` F A M I L Y .

that is the most beautiful, divine thing that i have seen . when youre younger, family seems like a given - something that is a right instead of privilege . the older you get, the more you realize that matching DNA does not equate to successful relationships .

there are mothers drowning their children, men shooting their brothers, parents abusing their kids, molestation, verbal abuse, mother's tearing down their daughters' esteem, and men leaving their sons and daughters to fend for themselves .

i am so blessed to have a loving family . a LOVING family ... it all comes down to love . people who are selfish, merciless, unstable, and/or incapable of love do not understand the construction of "family". i love seeing my brother and father smile . it's warm to know that there are people who genuinely want me to find inner peace & joy . i can't lie, me and my dad always argue lol but i know he is human and i know that he never had a father . so his devotion, love, selflessness and wisdom is extraordinary ! my family, all 15 gazzilion of them ... are alright by me :]

as a sidebar, women ... stop dating these men who hate the idea of family (trust me, theyre out there). those guys will generally look at you like a 'sold separately piece'. men, dont date girls who give up on family ... in case you didnt know, women are often times the glue that holds family together . if she doesnt believe in something, how can she nurture it ?

it's amazinnng to see families that appreciate one another ... try to see the value in yours (:

where's waldo ?

stop looking for him . if you ask me, it seems like he's hiding for a reason .

h e a v y .

-- i promised myself that life is my oyster & i would not "tippey toe" through life. therefore, im open:

"it's the first of the monnnnnnnnth" - bone thugs voice .

it is the first day of december, but also ... my first semester of junior year is coming to a close . i have such ambivalent feelings i must say. on one hand, this has been the second hardest time of my life ; i never understood "financial woes" until this semester . i never felt SO alone -3,000 miles away from home and on your own can do that- and helpless. my classes were kicking my butt and i was challenged in an entirely new way . tears, frustration, but most importantly a new found faith, dependence, and yielding to God were found in these past couple of months .

i pulled some VERY positive things from this semester as well . i didnt know i had so much "fighter" in me . finding resources, praying&meditation, dismissing sleep and trying to find peace with wounds . i also have to shout out some amazing friends who were there for me when i needed it the most -- prayers, a place to crash, gas money, and resources [: oh, i am smarter . like, i can feel my brain growing inside of my head ! (okay, im lying lmao ... but i am encouraged to learn more)& try new things .

but there are incomplete parts and even though I KNOW what they are, im not ready to come to terms with them because im scared, powerless and frustrated in that realm of circumstance . i guess it shows - i have not packed my suitcase and i don't even know how long i want to be home ... for once, i have detached feelings about california . brazy, i know lol . past winter breaks have had different tints attached and this one is ... empty . life is so 'up in the air' now and im staying busy all the time ... i just wish i could say it was for the "right" reasons . one drop of advice: try not to base your life decisions on inferences of other people. sometimes that gamble is too much ...

...to be continued

** on a lighter note, pick up my "seven signs of a creeper" article in the spelman spotlight ! :)

i am a nerd o_O

the difference starts with you .

This is Samantha Dancer (far left), one of my truest and closest friends . i call her my sister because she has been such an inspiration to me as well as a voice of wisdom . Samantha has sickle cell disease and it kills me to see her dealing with this . When i call and she's in the hospital or in pain, it ... tears me apart . Decades ago, sickle cell seemed like a hopeless cause, but these days (through donor registry and transplants) we can try to make a difference. of course, "a difference" is expensive and we are raising money for one of my best friends in the whole wide world . PLEASE DONATE ! any little bit helps ... and if you cant donate, spread her link :

About Samantha Dancer Samantha Dancer
http://cotaforsamanthad.com/

"With the cost of a transplant often exceeding $500,000, many transplant patients are unable to shoulder the financial burden of such a procedure. The Children’s Organ Transplant Association (COTA) is a national charity dedicated to organizing and guiding communities in raising funds for transplant-n..."

-- to donate, click "donate now" .

and please educate yourself about sickle cell disease :/

is this real ? i cant feel my brain =O

it is six thirty in the morning and i just finished my six page paper that i started 5 hours ago . i am delusional . tired . and aching all over . yet & still, this is the perfect time to post my most random and thoughts that i am too tired to restrict:

-- sometimes i genuinely dont understand men . they want to be my superhero but i didnt ask for saving . they wanna be leaders, but cant see where they're going "/ .

.. if i was stranded on an island, i could survive om kanye west, andre 3thou, wale, drake, john legend, musiq soulchild and the 'miseducation' CD [:

`` school is pushing me over the edge, && i forgot to pack my parachute .

-- why are women so scared to talk about marriage around guys ? i must admit, i haven't planned out my wedding like most girls . yet & still, i look forward to the day when i find someone worthy of my unwavering love & devotion . THAT'S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF girls .

.. i have not & will not compare myself to other females . its an ugly, never ending, fungus covered cycle . no one is me ... & dammit im proud ! ow owwww (:

`` i can have me a gooooood duuuuude, & still be addicted to them doucheee bags lol .

-- friend or foe, who yah wit ? (jay voice)

..i wish everyone would be less concerned about their denomination of Christianity and more focused on a personal, spiritual relationship - there's nothing like that connection .

`` @heartsNhandguns , follow me lol .

-- i want "all of the lights" to be the soundtrack to my life . preferably the instrumental part in the beginning with the french horns and violins ... (but im not picky)

.. "and you aint finna see a mogul get emotional" . -yeeeezy

``it just hit me that im probably gunna get four hours of sleep "/

-- i really dont want anything sibliminal . tweets . statuses . posts . notes . whispers . no ; i respect people with OUTRIGHT, PROUD, DEVOTED, HONEST emotion . its what i deserve : plain & simple [:

.. is that ... THE SUN ??! lol, goodnight . goodmorn- ughh, you get it .

i'm N0T her .

I Swear ,
this life would be so funny if it weren't mine to deal with lol .

i woke up this morning in an unconventional place & way, with the sun on my face . and when i feel sexy with a lust in my chest, i curl my hair . i sit in front of the mirror, take strand by strand and let the locks bounce across my shoulder -- i dont curl every time, but it's a tendency of mine .

& i know what i'm saying sounds random, but right now it is all that makes perfect sense to me . yea, i missed these curls .

** i promised something to myself today . i will always keep in mind how short life can be.

1. i will feel no discomfort [i will not be held hostage to my fears and thoughts, nor circumstances .] i will express myself ! if someone asks me how i feel about something, me, you ... i owe it to myself to be honest and liberated .

2. i will not tippy-toe through days . there's no time nor room for my inhibitions . when i see an opportunity, it's mine . i will make decisions and live with the consequences ...i will have the prize of blame or credit (either way, i wont leave empty-handed).

3. i will not answer to anyone . this life is too spiritual and invigorating to be smashed down by people's perceptions, masks, and desires for me . i will love, freely without strain & be open with the risk of emotional infection . i wouldn't trade my past for anything -- it was full of laughs, tears, and security . im also open to possibilities in the now because the three distinctions of time are not as 'black and white' as we make them . ultimately, im taking what's mine .

never gets old .

le compter toute la joie ;

oooooh , to be thankful .

this journey of mine . at the age of twenty, as a junior in college ... you cant help but wonder "what's next" for yourself . we all reach this pivotal point in our lives filled with questions, curiosity, anxiety, and wonder . what career do i want for myself ? what will i do after school ? - housing, money, family, kids ... it HITS PEOPLE HARD, like a freight train . there's this weird feeling inside me, torn between reflecting on my past & where i came from ... and where i'm going .

but im so thankful to God for his grace and mercy . God has brought me out of some very dark, rough places . at times you want to know why you deal with certain things, why things turn out the way they do, WHY adversity can be so brutal . i still dont know the answers to some of those things, but i'm happy about where i stand . im grateful to God about where i stand and what i have learned .

im thankful for the experiences, family, friends & new people that have entered my life as well (cheese). im thankful for my acquired strength, patience, peace of mind, and ABILITY TO LOVE ♥ ! most importantly, i am thankful for my salvation and relationship with God. i really wish my mom was here to see this, i can say with confidence that she would be proud =)

happy thanksgiving holidays everyone .

MBDTF , oh baby .

Let me start off by saying, buy the CD (even though i may be the only person in America who still buys Cd's lol) . The art work is beautiful and you leave the store feeling like you have a bite-size piece of bliss in your hands . Me personally ? i popped the CD into my car and lost my breath . in fact, it took me an hour just to get past the first song ...i played it repeatedly . im still stuck in awe =O

My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy is just that . It eloquently blends the distinctions of grotesque and gorgeous . Kanye takes his time on this album, nothing seems forced or rushed . In "All of the Lights" for example, opens with violins and piano playing for a cool minute ... before Rihanna even begins to sing. It gives time to take in the essence of the music . Quite frankly, this CD is for his musically inclined, instrument-appreciative, artistic fans/listeners . Some complain that the tracks are not cohesive, i argue that West provides versatility. On one end of the album you can have blame game, and the next you get Monster. The CD is "twisted" for a reason . It's schizophrenia at it's finest :) the album is not strictly for hip-hop lovers, it blends so many genres at the same time . ahhh, im in love . So, i cannot be mad at the people who dislike the album ... they just dont know how to listen to it .

poems about pancakes .

Butter pecan glaze gazes that leave my soul sticky. stuck.
I try to shake the memories and make the bad parts fall like yellow leaves,
But they trail behind my mind.
Some – sour like rotting milk, curdling at the exposure of surface-
Others sweet and precious like things that come in pink, cardboard boxes.

Leathery & soft memories that manipulate me into submission-
Nostalgia kicking me, choke-holding me, and yanking me to death & dirt.
I imagined that love would always soothe my bones easy, always nurture me.
With time and space I learned that loving ain’t easy-
But when you’re truly worth it, you’re worth it.
& sometimes, when the dice roll … you won’t be.

Part II
Time heals.
Resolution tends to take vacation & get lost at sea-
But like a missing earring, it’ll pop into the lap … eventually.

RIP .

i can wait .

i deleted my post that asked 10 questions I've always wanted to know about men .

i RARELY delete posts , but i deleted the last one . i don't know why exactly, but it bored me lol . after i slept on it, i realized that i don't want to ask questions to an entire gender ... and even more so, i don't even think i want the answers . sometimes we can fall into the trap of wanting to know something the EASY way instead of the hard way . consequently, the easy answers are usually false &/or too simplistic anyways . forgive me, an even BIGGER,BETTER. & JUICER post will be up next (:

how to listen to hip-hop .

We constantly praise hip hop artists for their charisma and supposed “swag”. Their witty lyrics and controversial lines leave numerous adolescents and young adults in awe. I have to admit, hip-hop is one of my biggest vices. I call it a vice because it consumes a big portion of my life and I have a lot of ethical problems with it. One, it is not of God. I don’t like to be so loyal to something that contradicts my connection with God. Two, the constant idolatry of money is problematic for me (hence the love of $$ being the root of all evil). Three, the degrading and self-hatred implications of blacks found in some songs frustrate me.

I have been battling with this balance of my morale and hip-hop music for a while. Now, I realized my main issue with hip-hop … the blind influence that it has on African Americans. Women have now embraced the word “bitch” and feel as if their most valuable assets are the only ones that can be squeezed, licked, or sucked. What used to be a temple of God is now degraded to “beat it up”, “I hit that” and “I’m tryna smash”. Therefore, women do not understand how valuable their bodies, reputation, and soul is. Men, as an effect of hip-hop, now worship (and I do mean WORSHIP) money. I believe I just heard a song in which Diddy so eloquently put, “I got so much money, my money counts money” (rolling my eyes). To be frank, things like humility and humanity are virtually non-existent in a lot of mainstream hip-hop songs. This really affects the larger population.

Although I express these problems with hip-hop, I love it. When I hear songs like “Flashing Lights” by Kanye, “Ex-factor” by Lauryn Hill, “Bonnie & Shyne”, “Anti-matter”, and “She lives in My Lap”, my life shifts like an earthquake. The extended metaphor in “I Used to Love Her” and Lupe’s “Gotta Eat” keep me inspired as a writer. With songs like “Bittersweet”, “Song Cry”, and “Karaoke”, I fell in touch with some sincere, festering, untouched emotion that I never felt before. Let me leave you with this advice: just because the lyric is witty, does not mean that it needs to be internalized. Yes, “f*ck niggas, b*tches too, all I got is this money … but this’ll do” is a catchy line, but it doesn’t mean it’s accurate. If we internalize every clever line we hear, we will not recognize the people we turn into. Brush off hip hop lyrics and stop idolizing rappers. I’ll never understand why 25 year old men are letting 17 year old rappers influence them so much. RAPPING DOES NOT EQUATE WITH WISDOM. The only lines we need to hold on a pedestal are the ones found FROM Genesis to Revelation.

"maybe tin cans crush simple"

from russell simmons to kanye west

Dear Kanye,

I have early recollections of Damon Dash calling me and forcing me to put you on Def Poetry Jam. I knew your record, “Through The Wire”, but I didn’t know much more. When you took the stage on Def Poetry Jam that night, and spit those genuine, heartfelt words, I witnessed your specialness that Damon had emphatically told me about.

From that moment on, you became a poet who has inspired the poets. I have proudly watched your career since then, and in case someone has missed the obvious, you are making a historical impact on music. Your life story took a tough turn with the passing of your mother. Although we grieved with you, we never really knew how much pain you were in. We witnessed your moment at the MTV Music Awards and many of us dismissed it as, “oh that is just Kanye being Kanye.” The hard part of all of this, is that we have all had moments in our lives that have been challenging, painful and hard to overcome, however most of us just hide our emotions and never deal with that inner-struggle that we face on a daily basis. As an artist, Kanye, you have always looked inside for your inspiration…always exuding emotions that are in us, but that we never expose. That is what artistry is about…to look inside for what is unique. With your journey towards a higher level of consciousness, a journey that we all are on, you have shown through your art a commitment to greatness.

The thirty minute film you most recently made was beyond brilliant. Brilliance is not a word that can even begin to describe your ability to paint vibrant, vivacious, colorful yet muted paintings of poetry, music, costume, art, design and most important, passion. The passion you put into your new album is why I stayed up all those nights in the early 80′s trying to get DJs and radio stations to play our records. I knew this day would come. Actually, maybe I didn’t know, but I really, really hoped it would. I didn’t work this hard when I was your age to watch the culture go the wrong way. And you, my friend, just took us to another level. I am simply in awe.

With this power, as you know, comes great responsibility. I am saying nothing you haven’t heard before. When you spoke about President Bush during the Katrina telethon, it was not the particulars of your words that mattered, it was the essence of a feeling of the insensitivity towards our communities that many of us have felt for far too long. It was the image of the President, our President, the President of the United States Of America, peering out the window of an airplane, as the people on the ground were drowning, that hurt us the most. For centuries, our people have relentlessly tread water as hard as they could to stay afloat, and here we were, literally drowning, and it felt like the President was insensitive. There is no need to apologize, Kanye. You spoke from your heart and that is all we will ever ask from you. Don’t be afraid of the press, as your art is your blueprint, thanks to Jay-Z, your big brother, we will always carry our destiny in our own hands. You are are an artist whose art is masterful. You are a servant to this world who no matter how hard it gets, keeps on giving. Giving gifts that inspire us, challenge us and motivate us to be better family and friends.

Keep on, Kanye. Keep on. We love you. We cherish you. And we will always have your back.

-- ** when it comes to hip-hop, being a good emcee is not enough anymore . some of our rappers today have better lyrical ability than run DMC and Slick Rick ever had . However, what makes those men great was their pioneer footsteps in the music industry. i love kanye west because he still finds a place to break barriers and leave a giant footprint in the art of music . well said mr. simmons (:

boom boom clack clack .

youtube didnt even post this yet :

but this song is awesome:
chrisette michele ft. Rick Rosay
http://www.hotnewhiphop.com/en/play/s/1c3c24f-113457/

break it down sumthin' proper .

agape love definition: unconditional love that is always giving. It devotes total commitment to seek your highest best no matter how anyone may respond. This form of love is totally selfless and does not change whether the love given is returned or not. This is the original and only true form of love.

eros love definition: known as 'erotic love', is based on strong romantic feelings towards another.

hmm .
i grew up watching women make a fool of themselves . falling at the feet of size 12 Jordan's and heartbroken two weeks later . over & over again, it replayed like machinery in front of my face . tears falling down the face & fist fights with other girls -while the "lucky" guy watched and laughed (classic). i dont wanna completely throw salt . i mean, "we all play the fool sometimes", right ? but anywho, i grew up (and still until this day) with numerous male friends who have said some of the most outrageous, disrespectful, and disgusting things i have ever heard about women . at the end of the day, i gained some insight .

i included the preceding definitions because it helps to differentiate something . love is a very complicated thing but i truly believe that agape love is the foundation for any other kind . respect for humanity in a whole is a stepping stone for narrowing that love for a specific individual. this kind of selfless, warm love manifests through God . Like Stephanie Crumpton said, "if you don't have a vertical relationship with God, how you gonna have a horizontal one with me?" & that's real . time and experience has taught me this the hard way, but i'm so grateful for the art of learning .

unfortunately, or fortunately (depending on how you look at the glass) ... some of the male mentality is stuck within me. i find that there are men that genuinely want to know you better - intimately, spiritually, mentally, - then there are men who don't ahaha . nothing is wrong with keeping either one around, but it is important to understand which is which . i dont discriminate i guess , but it's nice to understand how it all works . now, i don't believe in boxing people into categories of "good" and "bad" boys as much as i believe that motive & intention are pretty distinguishable. you simply have to know what to expect from who ... and if you just so happen to get a cherry on top, at least you weren't waiting around for it lol .


definitions found here:
http://www.ezilon.com/articles/articles/7675/1/God-is-Agape-Love

i dig this commercial everytime .

kidnap poem by nikki giovanni

Ever been kidnapped
by a poet
if i were a poet
i'd kidnap you
put you in my phrases and meter

You to jones beach
or maybe coney island
or maybe just to my house
lyric you in lilacs
dash you in the rain
blend into the beach
to complement my see


Play the lyre for you
ode you with my love song
anything to win you
wrap you in the red Black green
show you off to mama
yeah if i were a poet i'd kid
nap you

* shouts out to the powerful, wise, and talented ms nikki giovanni . she came to morehouse to speak and im so mad that i couldnt stay for her discussion :/ but her poetry is awesome nonetheless :)

beauty & suffering .

womanhood is the bastard daughter of suffering .
i have never known beauty until i have seen a woman's strength .
tears swelling behind the eyes like a tsunami, waiting to flush away the adversity of the day .

legs spread apart, pushing 8 pounds through slit flesh . yes, i am vulgar... but not delusional . that is suffering -
even worse, having that same, manifested 8 pounds of humanity refer to your gender as "bitch, slut, or whore" . that stings .
stings like scooping together 38 years of courage to finally feel confident about your chocolate skin to have your son tell you that he only likes "light skin girls" . we take the lashes .

suffering- like being lifted above the kitchen room floor by your neck . slowly losing sweet consciousness while savage hands grope the circumference of your throat . a kick to the stomach, an immense shooting pain into your spine . black and blue eyes hidden under RayBan's that he bought you to "apologize".

strength like biting lips when the sickle cell anemia attacks strike once again . strength like watching your hair, eyelashes, and eyebrows slowly fade away from chemotherapy . strength like heartbreak . strength like unrequited unconditional love & loyalty ...

WOMEN, KNOW YOUR BEAUTY & STRENGTH

inspired by the inspirational words and story of Ms Stephanie M. Crumpton- minister, breast cancer and domestic violence survivor :)

speak your beautiful mind .

hello, -collision-, goodbye

"i wonder why i never learn my lesson . it's feeling like the second chance & it's the first impression ." - Aubrey "drake" Graham .

since i have your attention, here's a toast to you .

a toast to the boys with paprika smooched skin - a tone so sweet & rich that my teeth ache .
a toast to the wide smile guys that hatch cocoons in my stomach. smiles so stunning that red illuminates underneath my cheekbones .
glasses raised to the men with wit - causing the corner of my mouth to tip toe into a smirk . & for the ones who can muster up a laugh-so-hard-that-my-tummy-hurts ; make his a double .

a toast to the boys with a sense of style & silhouette of their hometown: Los Angeles, Atlanta, DMV, Houston, New York, and the islands .

this is a toast ,
to the activists
to the writers. mathematicians. singers. entrepreneurs & you .

a toast to the guys walking in suits that could cut through glass .
a raised glass to the athletes who choose crewneck hoods over Hugo Boss .
the guys who let you walk on the inside of the sidewalk .
the guys who open car doors -nursing chivalry back from it's DEATHBED .

a toast to the MEN who are honest, straightforward, courageous and classically secure in themselves .

but one too many drinks could be fatal, so ill just propose a toast to YOU .

uhh, duh .

I mean honestly ... such strength, poise, and elegance shouldn't even be allowed in the white house . Michelle Obama is a Princeton and Harvard Law School graduate & she still daps up her husband in front of millions of Americans . She is such a gracious, beautiful presence. Not to mention, she has no problem being a support system for her husband . So many women want to psychologically castrate their men and make them feel inadequate. Michelle uses teamwork as her tactic ... that selflessness and loyalty definitely contributes to her beauty as a woman .

P.S. clearly, men find her swag attractive as well . Who can blame them ? She's the epitome of "beauty & brains"

la belleza natural ♥

Zoe Saldana is a person that is an undeniable beauty . i always hear guys talk about how beautiful she is . I think Zoe's natural appeal makes her so attractive to so many men . The Jersey, New York & Dominican Republic native has no inhibitions about being articulate and well-spoken . No pink wigs, no butt implants, no lip injections, or sex tapes (yet =/). With Dominican and Puerto Rican heritage, Zoe just seems to be down to earth and in touch with who she is as a human soul . THAT'S BEAUTY ! [this video is behind the scenes of her recent calvin klein video]. PS, ifyou do not know why im tlking about zoe, refer to the post below ...

to be or not to be ... beautiful ?

What does it mean to be beautiful ?
i have been struggling with this concept for the past couple of weeks . i struggle with this "label" because it is so subjective, but never tackled . it seems like everyone is afraid to do so . this exploration actually started when i asked myself, "why do these guys like me?" is it because of my skin color (or lack there-of smh)? is it because of this Victoria's secret bra ? perhaps my curls ? the way i dress ? my mind ? - YES, i have been exploring this idea of beauty & elegance .

SO, i am sacrificing the posts on my blog as an Ode to the many different types of beauty out there . each day, i will attempt to provide a person/people who exemplify (to me) what it means to be attractive . ENJOY :)

to be beautiful "us" .

we are the kind kin to the beginning .
-the descendants of Adam and Eve . pre-peach .
we make the world ours .
it is our oyster and we are freely bare;
exposing our nude souls and spreading our emotions like butter on biscuits.

we throw our laughs into the air
we walk barefoot, this is our land .
with our hands
we create pictures and tell stories and bug our eyes .

skin with color pallets of melanin hues .
deep and dark waves of chocolate crashing into silky skin .
sand-paper mosaic skin that reflects off of the sun .
reddish tones crushed into smooth, adobe skin .
hair twisted up, heated and stirred, wrapped in resources,
braided bundles, colored, cut, dyed, and done .

hips swaying to the tunes of turmoil .
feet dancing despite disaster .
pelvis, chests, and thighs ... lifted to the skies .
Black people make life blush .
-a pinnacle of beauty .

wake up !!

Chrisette Michele's new CD comes out November 30th -pre order it . these two songs are from her last album if you slept on her talent (foolishly lol ) . my two favorite songs because theyre so beautiful & raw . she's awesome ... i just got to meet her lastweek so im pumped lol

"turning to stone"

SO . this runaway mini movie is getting so much buzz .
some people are saying that it is pure genius while others are claiming that his celebrity blinds the audience .

okay , ... kanye's acting sucks for the most part . However, he is doing something that a lot of people cannot see . In Runaway, Kanye is resurrecting the idea of "high art". Throughout history, there have always been forms of art that were suspected to transcend the limitations and stigmas of 'common folk' . Kanye is doing that here with his movie - The cinematography is gorgeous , the music is clearly amazing, and the themes of the movie are going above people's heads . just that scene alone with the phoenix & the little lamb on the green lawn had me on stuck lol . These concepts about perception, conformity, and internal death shift Kanye's film from a gimmick to a new age of artistic expression :)

p.s. if you dont like the movie, so what ... the truth of the matter is... kanye stopped caring a LONG time ago :/

we are so sorry for our behavior . lmxo

thank God for the free google sunglasses lol . homecoming was A BLAST ! shouts out to spelhouse !

burn baby burn .

at times .
i become nauseated by the human condition .

sometimes ..
i feel like i am at an "all you can eat" buffet of narcissism, insecurities and selfishness .
when chewed,
it sits at the top of my chest, slowly and painfully being digested -
my stomach churns at the thought of its thickness .
the rusting of humanity is hardly a thin concept to understand .

once & a while ..
balance refuses to happen .
the villains win, the heroes perish & the hard workers burn on the asphalt with roaches .
time does not heal all wounds, but merely acts as concealer for the scars .

something can be said about the rush you get from a VIP booth at the club, being behind the steering wheel of a Range Rover, or being tagged in a picture full of "important people". that diminishable, manipulative high that hides your priorities so you cannot find them ... you cannot see anything BIGGER .

inspired by:

kanye's runaway short film .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7W0DMAx8FY&feature=featured

the birds & the bee stings .

topic number 2: "the main"

me and this guy got into a conversation he said, " ... stay single . every dude around my age is gunna cheat . girls always want relationships, it's just better to be a main ." now, i tend to only argue about things that i can take seriously . that comment was so backwards to me that i didnt even respond ... i laughed . however, when i saw the conviction behind his eyes, i felt compelled to say SOMETHING , anything .

now, i understood his argument . he said, "we start talkin to a girl and then a couple months in she askin 'whaaaaat areeee we ? blah blah blah' and then we're obligated to jump into a relationship ." i completely understand this . [GIRLS, never pressure a guy into a relationship . if he is not willing to commit on his own, the whole relationship becomes 'forced' .] He went on to explain that it is better to be a main , "i go to the club, get some numbers, meet some girls ... leave the club and call the main up ."

But, if im talking to a guy for numerous months and he cannot commit ... that's perfectly fine ... if i dont want a relationship . however, if i do want one then im probably headed for the door ...headed for someone who's goals are in line with mine. what worthy woman wants to be one of many females ? some females are girls that you date, others are girls that you wife . the key ingredient between the difference is 'SELF-RESPECT' . the thought of another girl kissing and/or having sex with a guy that i'm really feeling is some bullsh*t thats not worthy of my energy . not to mention, if the tables were turned ... a lot of guys would lose their mind if a girl they were feelin was treatin was messing with other guys . DOUBLE STANDARD . i can always respect a man who says he doesnt want a relationship, but dont condemn the girls who want to be treated exclusively .

they dont make em' like they use to .

Uggggh i cannot get enough of this show . a different world is still my fav . so much culture, and topics, and underlying themes ... gawlee, i dont know what it is lol .

red flags wavin'

* this weekend has promted a lot of things i need to discuss this week: 1st topic

ladies, people can change but you cannot CHANGE them . until you learn that fact, you will be in a continuous downward spiral in the dating realm . Men, a lot of the times, will show you who they are and we don't want to believe them ... then you end up 6 feet deep in ice cream watching four hour long lifetime movies .

God will show you what kind of guy you are dealing with through conversation . when i say 'what kind of guy', im not talking about a specific generalization of 'good versus bad'. i mean you will be able to assess a guys values, beliefs, strength of mind, and even confidence . For example, a guy tried to convince me that when he says, "im finna go hang with some bitches" that he doesn't see anything wrong with that . he attempted to explain to me that it's the same thing as calling his homeboys his 'niggas' .

* i asked him if he would ever call his grandpa a "nigga" . he said no . i asked if he would ever call his wife "his bitch" . he said no . those two people are not regarded as such because they are supposed to be respected . i think it's disrespectful and inconsiderate to decide what's okay to call me as a female . i would never call my grandpa "my nigga" because he's dealt with some painful memories regarding that word . in the same regard, men do not struggle with the connotations of the word "bitch", so who are they to give me that nickname ? the fact that i need to EXPLAIN this is pitiful to say the least ... people's minds have been molded & shaped into society's twisted perception .

in conclusion, i can respect a guy who has a strong enough mind to tell when he's being manipulated by the media . this "money over everything", "get b*tches", "imma cheat cause imma man", "dont trust no female" ... blah blah ... is so artificial it's ridiculous . transcend that .