thoughts stacked high.

"life, i learned is not fair. if they teach anything in schools, that should be it." -Nicholas Sparks

So. I’m sitting in LAX with a $2.80 Starbucks banana bread and $3.30 water in my lap, trying to evaluate the holidays. This past week in Los Angeles was exactly what I needed to contextualize my life and bring in the New Year. As I reflect back on my trip, I pinpointed a few topics worthy of discussion. 

    -- I spent time with my dad and grandparents. While this may sound mundane, their insight is blowing my mind. My dad revealed things to me about his relationship with my mother- things that made me see trust, love, and honesty a little differently. Also, my grandparents have an invested interest in my love life for some odd reason. All in all, I am forced to reevaluate some things.

    --My social life and outlook of Los Angeles has simultaneously shifted. While I have a hard time dealing with Atlanta’s fifty thousand dollar “millionaires”, Los Angeles has revealed its true colors to me. It’s funny to me how the most beautiful city can be the most insecure.

     --The reason why I love my male friends so much is because they keep me grounded. They tell me their outlook (even if they know it will offend me) and they push honesty to the fullest. Discussions about my disloyalty to California men, the word “bitch”, and my blog have all had me in the hot seat.

 ... here we go;

thoughts dipped in snow

The Holidays. 

[The word holiday: derived from the notion of "Holy Day", and gradually evolved to its current form.]

Since I was accepted to Spelman College in 2008, I have really grown to appreciate the holidays...

Initially, being away from home was tough but only because of the culture shock. While I missed my dad, brother, friends and boyfriend (at the time), I halfway chose Spelman to escape the constant, gruesome reminder of my mother’s death two years prior. My life felt closed in and cluttered. Honestly, I thought Atlanta would be my sweet escape into the oblivion.

Silly me. Although I didn’t have to walk past her bedroom or drive by the hospital, my mother resurrected in other ways. When I left for school, I realized that she was more remarkable than I ever could have realized. What my mother instilled in me was more valuable than any AP class I took or any scholarship money. She gave me intangible things that Spelman couldn’t even begin to teach me. And I’m still trying to learn her tricks of trade- how to light up rooms with an entrance, how to ease a person’s soul, how to remain true to oneself, how to be salt to a tasteless world. Atlanta was a sweet escape- but only because the seclusion created a better place for me to marvel at my mother’s legacy.

In May, Samantha died. Just when I stopped walking on eggshells in life, one of my best friends died from sickle cell disease. They say you cannot truly see a situation clearly until you’ve had some distance from it. I’m still too deep inside that pain to understand like I want to. Yet, One thing is clear: Life and death are more fluid than most people know… so every breath, smile, laugh, cry, triumph and failure is valuable.

While you may ask what my mother and Samantha have to do with the holidays or even YOUR holiday, remember that the holidays are Holy Days. They are meant to transcend the trivial nonsense and shine light on the importance of God, family and friends. Being away from California taught me that the people I love would always impact my life, heavily- whether I am in my living room or 3,000 miles away. They will travel with me in memory, love, life or death. Embrace and cherish the people you love. 


Happy Holy Days ..

Is there a Christmas song that always makes you think of your childhood? ... I have two:

1. Johnny Gill: "Give Love on Christmas Day". My parents always played this song around the house during the holidays. I didn't care for it too much as a kid, but now it goes. lol (and i am sorry if this picture of him gives you nightmares. Honestly, it's the creepiest christmas album cover i've seen in a while).








2. MY FAVORITE CHILDHOOD christmas song. TLC: "Sleigh Ride", hands down. can you picture me in my baggy 90's clothes dancing? i hope not -____- lol.

 

lessons learned .

You know, my mom always told me not to be a 'typical teenager' . She said , "Please dont grow up and be like those white kids on TV who yell 'i hate you' and run to their room." lol . She told me not to trust little boys until they earned that right . She told me she loved me so much, that i began to love myself . She taught me that tears do not compromise a person's strength and to use your circumstances to enlighten and inspire people .

She taught me what to say when people made fun of my name as a little girl lol . She taught me (without knowing it) that you can't trust everyone all the time, but you have to be strong enough to find out who's worthy . She showed me that a small knit group of GOOD friends is better than a plethora of fake ones . She taught me to be 'special' and embrace it . So many people want to blend into the background of everyone else, and im so grateful to be myself . My mom showed me the importance of a relationship with God . I believe God gave my mom the courage to pray in the face of adversity and she passed it down to me.

I think one of the most important things my mother ever taught me was to know my own worth . To know what i deserve and what i dont . I remember when i was in elementary school and i told someone that i was happy with the way i looked & they made fun of me . i came home and cried to my mom, "someone called me stuck up" . She laughed, and ever since then . . . i laughed too . I laugh at anybody who thinks that they can tell ME what i deserve , who i am, or what i am capable of . She taught me these things . . .

During the holidays, we need to remember our family . The ones with us, the ones we miss, and the ones that we need to be thankful for . As the 2009 year ends, its important to hold onto what you have learned previously so you do not digress . It's also important to acknowledge the people who taught you .