LMEFFINXO .

"i dont want no mutha**** cupcake! Mannnn im boo , no bupbakes for me ." - terren turrentine.

sorry folks, this made me laugh too hard today. i guess this will have to be an insider *shrug* lol .

have some laughes tonight, enjoy yourself, and most importantly, [be SAFE !] we like to think we're invincible during NYE but we arent. make wise choices .

brilliant .

"Love never hurt me, expectations did. You don't expect somebody to lie, cheat, or break promises. It's the expectations that hurt, not love. Love actually helps you get through the pain. Love for yourself, love from your family and friends, and love for life. Don't blame it on love."
- Landre .


check out his blog: http://8dayweeks.blogspot.com/

'run nigga run'

"Higher Learning"

fearless refreshing ;

my Disney soundtrack started skipping this year . little blue bird songs are now sexy woes. the story's in pandemonium, but this is how it goes:

January is the antagonist to the almost was sob story .
blowing cool breezes on my wet face on the porch of brick brownstones .
pianos kept playing in the background- but not Stevie, more like Bach .

February, filled with red, black&blue hearts; but i Marched through the blur nonetheless .

April sprang spring on me like a "late" phone call .
but i bounced back at her .
for every drip of sap to fall, i styled my hair with it .

Mayday Mayday , shifts occurred - my mind made a shift & the world heard;
June kissed me good morning & massaged my shoulders into my twentieth year .

August left me reckless & rash . snatching pieces of arms & abs -folding them into my cleavage . nostalgic of last years' April - everything does not dig into the heart .

October fell down like a light mist on my mind & I'm not the same girl that i was . A fractured promise to the old me - crusted over with intellect & cold, but emotion & warmth puddled in my crevices . a woman, coming into my own .

December has me in a land of contemplation & peace of mind. spring cleaning in the snow, with some helping hands. blushing, smiling, and laughing like i should... anxious for what is next. see you soon 2011 :]

ladies&gents:

"when you love a man, he becomes more than a body. His physical limbs expand, and his outline recedes, vanishes. He is rich and sweet and right. He is part of the world, the atmosphere, the blue sky and the blue water."

- Miss Gwendolyn Brooks.

love given where it's due:

check out jamila's blog post:

http://beautiful--vision.blogspot.com/

"Here's what i dont want to see in 2011" aha , thank YOU jamila . i agree !

fancy philosophy .

i wonder if Socrates knew that his statement was profound,
"i know that i know nothing".

it never fails to intrigue me when people brag about "knowing who they are". me ? i am complex, delicate, strong, smart, pretty, ugly, dark, humble, outspoken, introverted, and numerous other adjectives that could fill volumes of books . i am proud to admit that i am not boring enough to understand myself. with all of my layers, i could never be decoded within 20 measily years.

if you still surprise yourself, you don't know yourself. events throughout life crack open rusty, emotional vaults within ourselves that we did not know existed. i never knew i had a cold, bitter bone in my body until my mother died. i never thought i could be upset with God until my mother died. i never thought i could make peace with God and have a better relationship then before ... until i did . i cannot speak for every one's dark time . hell, i cant even say that everyone has had a "dark time". sometimes the heroes perish and the villains get married & live happily ever after. all i know is that i know nothing .

time and circumstance place velvet soft layers and masks on us as humans. when girls become mothers, i would imagine they find a gentleness that has been buried due to past trials. when men become fathers ... they become killers - willing to dismantle and diminish anything that stands in the way of their little girl's happiness. we strap on our career layers on with time, our husband/wife layers on with time, drug addict layers, alcoholic layers, gold-digger-man-hating layers ... with time . you never thought you could be INSECURE until that freak accident that left 75% of your body burned. you never thought you'd date the 'good guy' until the bad boys left you heartbroken. you can't believe you were dumb enough to think that there was even two types of guys in the first place. we learn, we dig within, we discover the artifacts of our soul. if you think you know yourself, you won't until you inhale you're last breath and lock it away in the depths of your body.

i do not understand humans .
i do not understand the government .
i do not understand myself half the time .

Socrates was wrong, i KNOW one thing. it is a dehydrated, fools gold trap to believe that you've figured yourself out . all we can do as humans ... is let God unwrap the beautiful things we are.

rudy fransisco

T0DAY; N0T T0M0RR0W.

honestly, i feel like my attention has been in 20,000 places at the same time "/. my number one priority right now is making sure this fundraiser turns out like it should. im using this space to thank everyone for the prayers, donations, love & support ! The "Money Mixer" should be a great turnout - we have people coming from west hollywood, pasadena, inland empire, ... psh, the valley! everywhere.

i absolutely HATE that my sister had to spend her christmas in a hospital bed. if we can help to raise money, this will all be a thing of the past. i know everyone can not attend, but you can still make a difference. this is not 'some girl', this is my best friend. while people are buying cool greys & ipads, there are people who just want to feel physically GOOD.

everyone is invited tomorrow. this situation is so beyond beefs, pettiness, and/or drama. people will behave lol ... this is a cause that is BIGGER than anything else. please donate :] www.cotaforsamanthad.com

-- december 25th .

merry christmas !
remember what's important this season . enjoy time spent with family & friends . this year's gifts will be boring by next year; hopefully the love shared today will remain fresh and long lasting .

beating the 'boys club'

okay. as a disclaimer, i have some bones to pick w/ both of these ladies. nevertheless, no one is perfect . while keri hilson has evolved into some excessively narcissistic, arrogant monster ... she is a great songwriter, smart & she understands the romantic dynamic between powerful women & men.

similarly, nicki minaj has gained a lot of respect from me. not lyrically, because i still think she's 'gimmicky' lol . nevertheless, she too has a pretty insightful outlook on being a "boss" in a sexist industry full of men. and you cant knock her hustle, because she stays true to her persona... or multiple identities? ionno lol .

not to mention chelsea is hilarious:

posted at 2:20pm on twitter.

"I can see why you'd make Christmas about Santa. He brings you cheap plastic toys. All I did was die for your sins."
- signed twitter jesus .

a GREAT cause .

Come support Samantha Dancer as we fundraise for her bone marrow transplant! Until recently, there were no alternatives to battle sickle cell! With this bone marrow transplant (costing approx. $70,000) Samantha will be sickle cell free and back to good health! We're getting together to support our friend! For more info go to: http://www.cotaforsamanthad.com/

date: december 26th

time: 6pm-12:30am

place: 360 atelier - 7669 Melrose avenue Los Angeles, CA (cross street spaulding & diagonal from urban outfitters)

THIS IS NOT A SAD/BORING EVENT! COME PARTY FOR A GOOD CAUSE!

- MUSIC ALL NIGHT BY DJ SPINTELECT.
- PHOTOBOOTH TO REMEMBER YOUR NIGHT!
- REFRESHMENTS
- LOTS OF FRIENDS & FUN!

***YOUR DONATION TO SAMANTHA'S TRANSPLANT FUND WILL BE YOUR ENTRANCE TO THE PARTY! (MINIMUM OF $5)***

We are accepting ALL donations!! Ask your parents, friends, coworkers, break piggy banks! The sooner we make $70,000 the sooner she's healthy!

EVERYONE IS WELCOME TO COME! THE MORE THE MERRIER!!!

platonic is pretty.

"i guess im playing with fire & fire is a bully ;
when i said i didn't care, i guess i could've fooled me .
burnt my finger tips, lips, and hips .
these feeli-cant say it, i won't let it slip ."

the ambition brackets ;

FACT: with such a high statistic of black men in prison, homosexual (out&closeted), and lacking a high school diploma, it's refreshing to see guys who are blessed enough to create opportunities for themselves.
MYTH: being a black man with a bachelors degree does not constitute a pat on the back from the cold, cruel world. they will eat men alive (including the chips they carry on their shoulders).

i have come to learn that ambition can lead you into many different mentalities. two stand out to me the most:

I. the blind ambition boy:
sometimes, there are guys who have a completely misconstrued idea of what success means. i'm not here to preach on the typical points of 'money isn't everything', but it's important to understand that human connection & flashy 'things' are not interchangeable. i asked a guy what he wanted out of life and he said, "man i wanna make it. i want a nice house, car, career, and wife." the day that a man puts me in the same bracket as his range rover is a pathetic one. materialistic goals do not bother me as much as the fact that they are dull, predictable, and lack any real imagination at all. we all want to be financially comfortable & stable, fine . but these mind drone, stereotypical perceptions of success cause these driven men to be the ones who lead double lives, visit the strip club more than their kids' football games, and turn their backs on ethical reasoning . they get so caught up in their expensive suits and 'look at me with my degree' that they take themselves entirely too serious.

II. the rare ambitious men.
these guys are genuine in spirit. they understand that education is not only a meal ticket, but a pathway to social, political, psychological, and spiritual enlightenment. they understand that luxuries are only comforts but not things that make or break him. he stands on things more firm than superficial concepts of 'importance'. i asked another guy what he wanted to do in life, he answered that he wanted to see the world and live life to the fullest every single day. he expressed that family was important to him and he wanted that one day. it may not be profound, but it came from an honest, wise place. i feel sorry for the men who are so concerned with this 'wealthy black man' persona that they neglect the abstract things in life: dignity, integrity, spontaneity, spirituality, intelligence and REAL leadership. they understand that having three years of college education under a belt does not make a man God's chocolate-wrapped gift to the earth.it is SO attractive to meet driven, black men who are grounded and humble- giving all credit where it is deserved... God.

it's abouuut to go DOWN !

he's the funniest comedian . don't question me on this -

joy, blessings, and goodness to you .

holiday "haunt me" list:


i want a new watch, my favorite one broke & im sad .

i want an ipod . i think im the only person breathing on earth without one . when they first came out, i convinced myself that they were a "phase" ... it's nine years later & i look stupid .

i'd love a spa date . lol

nevertheless, all of those things are superficial .

--------

while the time period between november to february is said to be a time of celebration and festive atmosphere, it is no secret that a lot of people are depressed during the holidays. people get so confused because of society's portrayal of "the holidays" that they become unsatisfied with what they have . they see walmart commercials of superficial goodies, Kay Jeweler ads where it seems like everyone and their mother can afford tacky diamond-heart necklaces, and huge SUV's that are somehow put into big stockings and squeezed into living rooms . these depictions of christmas are pathetic, but expected from the capatilistic tendencies of america .

the holidays are a time meant for reflection and appreciation . i know it sounds cliche, but honestly people miss the real meaning behind the holidays every year . it's an easy thing to do, but we have a responsibility to keep ourselves in check . do you have fully working limbs? do you have any family or friends who care about you? do you have a roof over your head? clothes on your back? something you enjoy/something you're passionate about? (i really hope you answered yes to one of these things lol).

just ... know that you are blessed, a relationship with God should be #1 on your christmas list .

radio raheem's battle of love&hate .

it's my favorite movie for a reason .

uhmm ... yea .

this idiot was eight feet away and missed everyone ... thank God, but still an idiot . and the lady tried to disarm him with a PURSE ? come on panama city, do better lol .
-the moral of the story is ... people are crazy , smh . there are too many people in the world who feel insignificant, or small, or misunderstood . he felt like his wife and his livelihood were thrown away like garbage, it happens all the time . be careful "/

laughing freely

for all the girls who are annoyed- just say this:

i no longer care about your attention .
and i say this at the risk of sounding inconsiderate, brash, and perhaps even arrogant . i can live with all of those titles but the latter .
you see, i wasted a lot of time bathing in humility and broken mirrors- trying to justify being disrespected and unappreciated. - not seeing myself in all entirety . my skin wrinkled up like prunes and i smelled of lilacs and disappointment .

-blah, blah, blah ... lungs sore from the same story-telling .
-blah,blah,blah ... mind is offended because it was given a puzzle produced for ages 4-5 . so simple, that i tried to make it more complicated ; some men are screw ups. some guys are crazy . some guys are not worthy . this is the last time ill paint it clear ...

signed,
still BORED .

=D

support the good good .

culture and media are more so aesthetics than concepts . check these guys out , swag :

flickr.com/stackthispaper

&&

flickr.com/photos/dennis_craig

time served.

my friend once said, "He doesn't love me, he just loves being in love. he loves the thought of me."
i took that statement and stuffed it in my back pocket for a while, kept it close . now it means the world to me :

some people are so focused on being loved & adored that they cannot see how they fail to love their counterparts . they convince themselves that "this is the one", but they simply don't want to be alone . they cringe at the thought of emotional failure, meanwhile painting a veil on the people they supposedly care so much about . to want to "love" somebody, to be IN love with somebody really ? it means complete and utter selflessness .

in a strange sense YOU should have nothing to do with the other person . your flaws, wants, insecurities and needs are irrelevant because you are glued to that other person's soul .- not their face, credentials, popularity in society, or fashion sense -all diminishable . some people got the love game all twisted and that can be like giving an AK-47 to a five year old El Salvadorian boy . even when you scream at him to put the gun down, he wont understand a thing you're saying .

yes, it's volatile .

everyday .

and he said,

"It's cool to admire people for their artistic expression and even be inspired by it. But there are those people who are too busy admiring that they don't know how to create ."

and then my heart grinned .

clear some air .

i need to explain some things .
i am not a basket case and i hope my literary pieces to not exude that impression .

yes, i have seen death up close and personal .

yes, i have suffered loss .
yes, i have been in love before .
yes, i have been heartbroken before .
yes, i have had problems, dilemmas, and trials .
yes, it has made me into who i am .

but WHO HASN'T dealt with these things ?

my days cannot ST0P because things "fall apart" . it has happened one too many times in my life for me to dwell in a stupor over it . you have to take the time to pieces things back together and work towards building that bridge .

i have grown pretty fond being told the raw, passionate truth . it would be a disgrace to my maturity as a person to settle for hidden testimonies, half-assed declarations of adoration and/or torn emotion ever again . i hope this inspires a girl out there who will one day understand the meat-market weighing of quality affection and honesty .

and gwen there was light ! ♥

To Be In Love by gwendolyn brooks

To be in love
Is to touch with a lighter hand.
In yourself you stretch, you are well.
You look at things
Through his eyes.
A cardinal is red.
A sky is blue.
Suddenly you know he knows too.
He is not there but
You know you are tasting together
The winter, or a light spring weather.
His hand to take your hand is overmuch.
Too much to bear.
You cannot look in his eyes
Because your pulse must not say
What must not be said.
When he
Shuts a door-
Is not there_
Your arms are water.
And you are free
With a ghastly freedom.
You are the beautiful half
Of a golden hurt.
You remember and covet his mouth
To touch, to whisper on.
Oh when to declare
Is certain Death!
Oh when to apprize
Is to mesmerize,
To see fall down, the Column of Gold,
Into the commonest ash.

a sizzling sidebar

narcissistic can be defined as a person having an "overtly inflated idea of their importance" . because of these 'all about me' social networking sites, i try to fight off the idea that everything and anything is relative to me ... i think that's working out for the best . i find that it can be the difference between Nirvana and Armageddon .

english major mental breakdown

here at spelman, the boundaries and capabilities of my mind are constantly stretched like spandex . with a major in english, i read SO many books, critical essays, plays and poems that i don't know what to do with myself . i recently read a book that forced me to sympathize with a man who beat his wife ... i never thought i could . that isnt all:

poems that illustrated rape and pain . books that misconstrue the line between ethical and immoral . critical essays that challenge the labels of 'black, negro, african american, colored, and nigger". plays that portray a black man's spiritual castration and emasculation, some that depict the suffering of unappreciated women . i read about Haiti and their cholera crisis . i read about obama and wondered how he handles being stuck in a sea full of republican sharks ? world hunger, child abuse, cancer, HIV, identity crisis in the black community, humanity woes ... whoaaaaaaaa !!

call me selfish, but sometimes trying to reflect on all the issues and problems with the world can be overwhelming. i think one of my biggest fears is to become one of those ...

"serious people" . they are so focused with the imperfections of the world that they cannot see the beauty . they are those people at the dinner table who always have some 'educated response' to add. "well actuallyyyyy..." or "on the contraryyyy" or "excuuuuuse me? well, i have never !" they are offended by every comment and remark, they see humor as a nuisance instead of a necessity . yes, this blog is my outlet for any emotion, thoughts, social commentary, or expression .


.. but sometimes, i like to just take in a deep breath of this polluted air surrounding our deteriorating, global-warmed earth & laugh a little ;)

everyday is saturday night .

a wacky testosterone whirlwind .
where eyes, lips, arms, abs, and adam's apples bend ;
or any other generic male name
once the tongue speaks, it's all one in the same ?

qualifications and burdens shaken and stirred
ambitious, independent cheater, caring, needy, loving, liar, activist, - what a blur .
i'll close my eyes and duck duck goose you .
i suppose you're all interchangeable .

"you're not opening up to me"
"why you not f*ckin' with me?"
"you looked good last night ..."
"i bet you got a man, right ?"

maybe, in this masculine mush is "the one"
a guy that 'gets me' with a huge heart, weighs a ton .
but like drake said, "knowing me i missed it . cause me dedicating
my time just isn't realistic ."

dont double standard me & shake your head,
men think this all the time .
a genuine, logical thought
it just so happened to rhyme ...

-- my freakin' family .

`` F A M I L Y .

that is the most beautiful, divine thing that i have seen . when youre younger, family seems like a given - something that is a right instead of privilege . the older you get, the more you realize that matching DNA does not equate to successful relationships .

there are mothers drowning their children, men shooting their brothers, parents abusing their kids, molestation, verbal abuse, mother's tearing down their daughters' esteem, and men leaving their sons and daughters to fend for themselves .

i am so blessed to have a loving family . a LOVING family ... it all comes down to love . people who are selfish, merciless, unstable, and/or incapable of love do not understand the construction of "family". i love seeing my brother and father smile . it's warm to know that there are people who genuinely want me to find inner peace & joy . i can't lie, me and my dad always argue lol but i know he is human and i know that he never had a father . so his devotion, love, selflessness and wisdom is extraordinary ! my family, all 15 gazzilion of them ... are alright by me :]

as a sidebar, women ... stop dating these men who hate the idea of family (trust me, theyre out there). those guys will generally look at you like a 'sold separately piece'. men, dont date girls who give up on family ... in case you didnt know, women are often times the glue that holds family together . if she doesnt believe in something, how can she nurture it ?

it's amazinnng to see families that appreciate one another ... try to see the value in yours (:

where's waldo ?

stop looking for him . if you ask me, it seems like he's hiding for a reason .

h e a v y .

-- i promised myself that life is my oyster & i would not "tippey toe" through life. therefore, im open:

"it's the first of the monnnnnnnnth" - bone thugs voice .

it is the first day of december, but also ... my first semester of junior year is coming to a close . i have such ambivalent feelings i must say. on one hand, this has been the second hardest time of my life ; i never understood "financial woes" until this semester . i never felt SO alone -3,000 miles away from home and on your own can do that- and helpless. my classes were kicking my butt and i was challenged in an entirely new way . tears, frustration, but most importantly a new found faith, dependence, and yielding to God were found in these past couple of months .

i pulled some VERY positive things from this semester as well . i didnt know i had so much "fighter" in me . finding resources, praying&meditation, dismissing sleep and trying to find peace with wounds . i also have to shout out some amazing friends who were there for me when i needed it the most -- prayers, a place to crash, gas money, and resources [: oh, i am smarter . like, i can feel my brain growing inside of my head ! (okay, im lying lmao ... but i am encouraged to learn more)& try new things .

but there are incomplete parts and even though I KNOW what they are, im not ready to come to terms with them because im scared, powerless and frustrated in that realm of circumstance . i guess it shows - i have not packed my suitcase and i don't even know how long i want to be home ... for once, i have detached feelings about california . brazy, i know lol . past winter breaks have had different tints attached and this one is ... empty . life is so 'up in the air' now and im staying busy all the time ... i just wish i could say it was for the "right" reasons . one drop of advice: try not to base your life decisions on inferences of other people. sometimes that gamble is too much ...

...to be continued

** on a lighter note, pick up my "seven signs of a creeper" article in the spelman spotlight ! :)

i am a nerd o_O