Standards vs. Expectations

Humans are generally social in nature. Our lives are based around constant communication and relationships; and they vary. Some relationships are strictly business- trading goods and services. Other relationships are personal – exchanging emotions and experiences for the betterment of their livelihood. I find more than ever that personal relationships seem to fail because people confuse “expectations” with “standards”.

A lot of us meet someone and have enormous expectations. Then, when they fall short, we’re angry with them because we expected more. That’s a set up for failure. Technically, the person we just met at the Starbucks or nightclub is still a stranger. Why do we expect so much from someone we just met?  After all, we hear more about trifling men and women than romance success stories.

So many women expect to meet a man who sees her and drops everything to be with her (give up his time, the sideline hoes, and “check-in” daily). They expect this "new man" to be consistent, attentive, and thoughtful. Those types of things are only seen with time. Sure, he may be sweet and charming, but who isn’t initially? Reliability shows itself over a course of time and circumstance.

Men, on the other hand, expect women to be matronly, sexy, devout and relationship-thirsty.  While I am not sure where these apron-wearing, stilt-stiletto pumping Mother Theresas are, I doubt she’ll be found on every corner. She needs to earn your expectations. Do not simply hand them over to the first girl with a pretty smile and charming personality.

Try to expect the best from the people who have proven that they can deliver. If a person shows that they are considerate and trust worthy then you have the right to be disappointed if they stray from their moral norm. Standards are the reason why you hold on to someone or let them go. Unlike expectations, standards are solely dependent on you. You set them.  You may not expect someone to treat you right, but you can know that you deserve it. Therefore, you can set certain standards for yourself. We cannot control what people do. However, we can control what we want for ourselves. 

If It Ain't Broke, Don't Mix It: The Disastrous Nature of the Mixed Signal

He texts you and says that he’s going to hang out with his friends tonight. You respond, “Have fun.” He reads your text and follows your instruction. The next day, he walks up to you and you greet him with a stiff kiss and cold nature. Silly him, thinking he should have fun when you told him to.

Oh, the beautiful mixed signal. How women adore thee.

I’d like for women to understand the catastrophic nature of mixed signals. Similarly, I’d like for guys to understand where it can come from at times. Most (but not all) women have fallen victim to mixed signals. We say one thing and mean something else. Or, our feelings can be so complex that we think we want something until … we don’t. I have to imagine that it can be hard on the opposite sex. Consider his frustration- trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube everyday just to get on your good side. I come across a lot of these scenarios in conversation:

-You tell a potential suitor that you’re not interested and then you become angry when he stops pursuing you. You wanted him to chase you and “fight for you”.  Women, you need to stop pretending that you are the director in your own romantic comedy. It’ll rarely go as you planned… primarily because you cannot write his script. He’s a human being with his own thoughts and actions. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t try to “trick” him into staying with you. Don’t try to trick him into the chase…cause that could be all he’s attracted to. That kind of logic backfires.

-A lot of times, you get nervous about being deemed as “nagging” or “emotional”. So, instead of saying what’s on your mind, you suppress your feelings. You don’t say anything about the all of the times your boyfriend cancelled on dinner plans. You won’t open up about your problems with family. You try to be as chill and easy-going as possible …until you explode. Then your guy is standing their looking confused and calling you crazy. It’s not “nagging” if you feel disrespected and it’s not “overly emotional” if it’s driving you insane.  Every guy has an “emotional cap” to deal with when it pertains to women. Some caps are higher than others. You need to stop trying to fit the mold for every guy- it’s a waste of time. Instead, find someone who will appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. Stop inadvertently apologizing for who you are. a lot of women are emotional ... that's nothing to be ashamed of...

We live in an era full of mixed signals and indirect communication. We communicate via text instead of the telephone. We talk on the phone instead of speaking in person. We use our Facebook and Instagram pages as smoke and mirror magic tricks to depict our lives. We care more about how things are perceived than how they actually are. Those priorities and mentalities leak into our relationships (or attempted ones). Personally, I have had my share of text message confusions and social network mishaps. We all fall victim (lol). Instead of hinting at what you mean, don't mix it ...SIMPLY SAY IT. 

Aliens & Robots

I only endorse things that i believe in. I believe in Iman Europe's musical vision. I honestly do not know anyone more musically inclined and passionate about her journey as an artist. I have to support her project because I'm so excited to see what she is going to contribute to the body of music. Her Aliens and Robots EP will drop October 16th, 2012. twitter: @imaneurope check her out: imaneurope.bandcamp.com

diamond-studded overalls.

During my last semester at Spelman (that statement made me sound so old), I took a class about the construction of “The South” in America. In the midst of my research, I found a distinct and valuable pride in African Americans. We were given some of the most “demeaning”, labor-intensive jobs and we still did them with a sense of pride. Even more so, we worked ten times harder to hold down our own households. We wanted to pay for our kids’ schooling, invest in their spirituality, and make time for them. I think of my grandfather who worked until he was in his sixties- giving his everything. Until this day, he takes pride in everything he does. He gives his all.

It may sound stupid to you, but I see value in a strong work ethic. After all, when God created Adam, he put my man straight to work. He was given a job to overlook the land and make it prosperous. I always hear old folks talking about how “kids these days” are lazy. I hear about how we do not know about “hard work”. While some of that is true, they do not understand what kind of society this is for us.

As youth, we are saturated with celebrities and socialites who do absolutely NOTHING and have all of the wealth in the world. These same wealthy people are more attainable to us now more than ever. Because we can talk to them via Twitter and Instagram, we see how “easily” we could be in their shoes. (Outside of my college atmosphere) The only time I hear about “grinding” these days is in reference to sports and the music industry. That’s a shame.

Your work ethic is a reflection of you. At the end of the day, your name is all you have. Whether you are working in finance, the arts, burger king, or domestic services, GRIND. People will notice that you are always on time. People will notice that you’re a professional. People will notice that you give all you have. Honestly, they may not notice. You should work hard for your own satisfaction. Then again, you never know who is watching and who will vouch for you when the opportunity approaches. If you’re dismissive of your job because you do not think it’s “big” enough, then you lack imagination. Huge fruit can sprout from the meekest seeds. 

Bridging the Infidelity Gaps.

I was sitting at a bar Wednesday night with some friends. We began to discuss the perimeters of love. “Can you even define love,” my friend said. As I suppressed the urge to quote (the very cliché) 1 Corinthians “Love is patient, love is kind…”, we stumbled across infidelity. Can you cheat on someone that you truly love? Can you cheat on them numerous times if you truly love them? Needless to say, the conversation was very heated.

Personally, I believe that we all fall short at times. We disappoint our family and friends- even though we love them. Hell, we definitely disappoint ourselves (the person we tend to love the most). During the conversation, a particular point stood out to me: Men are logical creatures, not emotional. We don’t look at sex as an emotional thing. We know we want it, we go after it. “PRETTY GIRL. WHAT GIRLFRIEND? ME CHEAT. ARGGGG.” If, in fact, men are simply chimpanzees with careers and iphone 5s then I plead insanity.  I refuse to believe that men are that painfully simple and/or mentally retarded. If a man's girlfriend never crosses his mind, then that is a bigger issue in itself.

I do, however, believe that men and women tend to see cheating differently. So, for all of the men who claim that they do not understand what the big “whoop” is with infidelity, let me paint a picture. When a woman is in love with you and you cheat on her:

She literally feels like an eighteen-wheeler truck is sitting on her chest. She feels like she was hugging, kissing, confiding in, and laughing with a serial killer. She thinks you are a stranger now, “How can someone be so dishonest and despicable?” She is humiliated that another woman can brag about the fact that she had you. She will regret all of the times that she was proud to show you off to her family and friends. She will feel weak. She will be mad at you because you ruined the trust. You did the unthinkable. Who’s to say the sky won’t fall again? She will mentally replay all of the times that you said she could "trust you". Now, all of her hopes for the relationship are tainted with a murky, grey film of betrayal, dishonesty, and coldness. Psh, I can’t even begin to explain how she’ll feel if you two are having sex (which 8 times out of 10, you are).] She will feel like she lost her best friend. 

Uncle Ben (Peter Parker’s uncle, not the man on the rice box) said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” You can no longer claim that you are ignorant to the effects of your infidelity. Now that you know what cheating will do to your girlfriend (or boyfriend), you have to evaluate if you could do that to someone you truly love.  I think the basis of true, authentic love is the quality of selflessness. Your needs become their needs and you develop an innate desire to protect the other person. Personally, I don’t think that you can continuously cheat on a person that you truly love.

But hey, what do I know? What do you think?