breathing room .

i guess i lost some inspiration .
i soul-searched in the wilderness of my inner self.
cutting through branches and twigs of tender terrain, i created breathing room.
like water for chocolate i am seeing and comparing - where i came & where im falling.

but behold ! i think im finding inspiration.

HBD !

happy birthday to Steve Darden- who exemplifies what it means to be a god-fearing man with integrity, strength and determination. [DAD], thanks for pushing me (constantly lol), teaching me self-respect, and being - both - a father & mother to me for these past four years :] LOVE YOU ! happy birthday BIG STEVEEEE ! lol <3

i just wanna soak myself in this song today.

maybe someone has thee answers?

someone asked me to tackle a question on my blog. So, here it goes:

when meeting someone new, is it better to:
A) completely leave your pasts behind you (giving yourselves a clean slate & remaining ignorant to past relationships, encounters, and love experiences)

OR

B) simply let everything out... put everything on the table about past loves, exes, heartbreaks, and experiences in relationships

???

Let me play devil's advocate for a moment. One one side, the "clean slate" approach can be kind of enticing. Ladies, you agree to leave a man's past behind him and move forward ... until you see a beautiful girl leave an, "IMY <3" post on his facebook wall. it just might drive you up the walls in utter insanity. curiosity runs rapid throughout your mind. Men, you agree not to ask about your girl's past encounters, but you hear two rumors about her and now you wonder where she came from and if you can trust her. BUT YOU AGREED not to know.

On the other side of the spectrum, you could put it all out there... but what if you make assumptions about a person from the information you're told? Men, she tells you about her ex boyfriend and how he dumped her. She tells you how she was heartbroken for two years but has moved on... but they're still friends now. Do you psychologically accuse her of still being caught up on her ex? Ladies, he confesses that he has cheated in two of his past relationships ... however, now he claims that he can handle being faithful. Do you believe him? Or will that information haunt your opportunity to get to know him?

Im not claiming that there's a right or wrong answer to this proposed dilemma. I'm simply responding to a question. I do believe however, that you have to know what kind of person you are and what kind of information you can handle when dating...

peas & carrots.

SO yeah, yesterday was my blog's 2 year anniversary :)
i want to thank everyone for reading, commenting, supporting, and criticizing my blog ! you helped me to become a better writer and find my true literary voice. thank you. although my blog may slow down a bit because of my FOUR writing courses this semester, i hope you will tune in when you get the free-time/chance.

Thanks again, love you all.

Stevi Renee xoxo.

pheeeew .

sometimes you love someone & you find "the one". other times, you love a person to learn and move on with your life.

that's such an easy thing to say when you break up with someone. it makes sense, it's logical, and carries no actual weight behind it. oh, but when you are the one left in the dust, it is such a hard pill to swallow. so hard in fact, you might just choke on this pill while wading through pools and rivers of tears. nevertheless, let me say ... the statement above IS SO TRUE ! and if you can come to peace with that fact of life, after dealing with a tough situation, life becomes a lot more clear.

God does everything for a reason. You have to pull a lesson out of every situation. Once you can put a check mark next to a past dilemma & label it "lesson learned", it can be such a liberating experience. Everything that was such a huge deal is buried ten feet underneath the ground. God reveals possibilities, potential, and dodged bullets that make you wonder what you were ever "trippin" off of in the first place. with time, storms will pass .

-- dedicated to my friend, it's fine ... you got it ; just give it some time.

via facebook status .

"so .. i just found out they found a donor match for my transplant & the match is not just "good enough" but it is the BEST POSSIBLE match 10/10 ! somebody try an tell me my GOD isn't good .. i dare yu ! lol man o man .. thanks to all of yu who have and continue to pray and support me .. couldn't have and still can't do it without yu all ! i can see the light at the end of the tunnel ! we are almost there ! ♥" -Samantha Dancer.

God is just too good. i mean, honestly. Sometimes words are not enough and all you can do is communicate to God through emotion and utter graciousness. Everyone, keep supporting, praying and donating so my sister can get better. That girl's my heart!

rubik's cubes.

my nerves. yes, you step on, trample over, and tap dance on every single last one. you push buttons that i thought were out of commission and throw salt on my open pride with no remorse.
and i must admit i've never been so irritated & intrigued, so simultaneously.

i say something smart & before i can smile and wallow in my own brilliance you are saying something that tucks itself under my skin- forcing a smirk to spread across my face.

i guess this mischievous banter is not for beginners, the balance of push and pull could only be mastered by a man as mad as me.

i drip emotion into your hair and you hate it. you stuff wit into my shoes and it drives me insane:

---------

"you like me, don't you?"
"ha! no."
"alright then, im leaving."
[silence]
"okay, okay, stop playing."

it's all fun & games. just keep the ambulance on speed dial.

omgsssh ! support :)

my friend zayani is finally dropping her album "Tell Someone". she has a sound like you've never heard before - filled with soul and acoustic bliss ! honestly, she's so talented. we wish her well with the album, interviews, and tours! love ya girl! check out her music:

ZAYANI ROSE MUSIC <3

to date a writer .

they say, "never date a writer".
full of metaphors and comparisons, they can mentally sketch you into submission.
some writers will send you gift-wrapped poems that warm up the soul . microwave ready, but hardly oven-type steady.
others are filled to the top with empty rhetoric, spinning your heart and mind in a whirlwind of words that mean absolutely nothing. - just pretty language that knocks you over the head like a wooden club.
most writers are lazy, emailing an "i dedicate this to you" song ... where the 'one size fits all' lyrics will sneak their way into the cracks of their victim's heart.

the mystery in writing is the master of it all -
words can tie you down and tear at the mind, make you wonder, and perhaps put your hopes so high in the air that it'll BREAK into pieces when it falls.
writing is an art because it paints - paints & portrays feelings [sometimes false] and inserts ideas where they were never welcomed in the first place.
manipulative they are, writers.

but oh, TO DATE A WRITER.
using words to massage your ego, insecurity or doubt. they can express love in ways that bend the mind into amorous yoga - twisting and tapping the tender places in our soul.
words can liberate the masses, but chain one person in love. writers are said to use their words as windows to their mind; but i think they're more so like kaleidoscopes - thought portrayed through colors and shapes ... but R A R E L Y straightforward and seen in full view.

In the bible, the tongue/speech is likened to a sword. it truly is powerful. we, as writers get to choose how we use the power of words.

let it snow ; how cliche lol .

it's so ironic how snow can warm up the heart.
the white blanket covers the earth in one wide sheet and i cant help but notice how beautifully structured God's work is. forgive me if i sound too cheesy (lol) but i believe that certain natural, earthly occurrences are used to uplift and inspire people. while the snow may simply be a nuisance to some, it can be a cocoon and re-birthing process for others.

with weather like this- snow that is covering my car outside and every vulnerable street crevice possible, it makes me appreciate some solitude. being snowed in made me nervous at first, thinking "im going to lose my mind by myself". but now it's kind of peaceful. this snow gives the illusion that we're cut off from the chaotic, hectic world around us. and to a certain extent, we are. plane trips are being canceled, work, school, and business is put on hold. it's almost as if God is trying to stop the world to pay attention.

im not thinking about him or her or this or that tonight. & even though this is 'boo-loving' weather (lol), it's one of the furthest things of importance to me. im in complete and utter peace .

how many ways can i say it ? so, i wont.

"love is or it ain't . thin love ain't love at all . " - toni morrison

here, you dropped this:

God put something on my heart yesterday. it plagued my thoughts and literally shook me into tears lastnight.

i went to lunch with some friends. We talked and ate. A spiritual advisor of mine was talking to me about being "luke warm" for Christ and about the conscious decision to live completely for God. Then, she talked about Matthew 7:13-14:

"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

she said, "in a dream i imagined the wide gate to be a mouth with no teeth. a wide mouth that ate people and grew the more people walked into it." then she explained that the dreamt the narrow road was a thin pathway with ropes on both sides... it was so thin in fact that you had to walk literally one foot in front of the other and keep your balance. the ropes were so thin that you had to take off any backpacks or baggage in order to get through... but it led to an unspeakably joyful life.

A holy lifestyle is a constant battle every, single day. my friend told me that she was living a lifestyle that she wasnt proud of before she became saved. she said, "God chooses some of the most unique people to teach the word of God. I go into plenty of churches and people think i shouldnt be there, but they cant deny that im called by God when i speak."

Then i thought about you. She could see it in me, i could tell. i tried to shake it out of my mind because it would be difficult for me, considering. & i didnt think i was the person to tell you (i mean, who am i?); but something came over me and i became teary eyed and haunted by the subject constantly. Something in my mind & heart kept saying, "this is for you to tell him... this is for you to tell him" and it's still stuck with me. i may not be the person that you want to hear this from but i know it will not get off of me until i say it:

YOU, yes you...

you KNOW what God has for you to do- what you were called to do and you cannot fight it forever. Some of the most shy, and inexperienced people were called by God to help others and you have to accept this. If you don't, it will be difficult, trying, and there will be this unexplainable empty feeling. Do not be discouraged. I know you are young, but so what. You have to choose a side and take a leap of faith , because the borderline is no place for a person like you. God wants either all of it or none of it, you're too valuable to not fulfill your purpose. People will listen, you can save lives.

i hope you can do something with that... put aside everything and listen.

peace of mind .

so we say .

shouts out to chanel's tumblr. http://classylikechanel.tumblr.com/

spiritual signs for sale .

it has to be in the eyes.
the eyes have to be the puzzle pieces that connect & click us together.
what else could make you sympathize, feel, fall in love, or understand someone else?
adrienne bauduit went to spelman and all we ever exchanged were polite smiles & nods .
yet, when i got the news of her untimely death ... my heart anchored to the pit of my stomach.
these heavy losses make us reflect;
adrienne had ambition, she was LIVING life, and had plans for herself. she was said to be so genuine and warm - while painting the life she always saw for herself, the canvas was stripped away.

how many plans do we half-ass create in the lazy dimension of our minds ?
when are you going to tell that girl how you really feel ?
how many times did you talk yourself out of your dreams ?
are you going to stop lying to people? to yourself ?
who are you REALLY living for ? them or you ?
how arrogant are we that we feel entitled to another day on earth? we think that we'll be around forever and 'take our time'. sometimes, we are even unhappy where we are and do nothing to change our situation. we are too scared to fight for what we want, scared of scraping our knees & hearts .

Adrienne, you touched SO MANY lives - even through life and passing. so many of us in the AUC are thankful for this spiritual awakening that you have given us. we are honoring you and keeping your family in our prayers. thank you and rest in peace.

what are you going to do with your canvas? let it rot, or paint the picture you always envisioned?

follow me thru volatile aesthetic .

big things poppin: http://steviwonderwoman.tumblr.com/ .

i still love my blogspot & i don't know if i can manage both. but ill try ! i hope everyone will check it out - & give feedback [:

pour les oiseaux .

ever feel both smitten & sickened ?
-feeling like someone is pricking you, just to see if you'll bleed ?
ever been so tired, you numb up ?
... scraping off access memories from the sides of your mind, so mold wont build .

--the vital character traits of love are volatility & senselessness ... you bury it 6 feet under & it'll rise from the soil like a zombie. --

hypothetically speaking , of course .

re-post: march/09 "spoiled LA girl"

im naturally a good girl .

i mean, im no angel ... but i keep a

spare halo in my slingpurse .

but see, heaven & heathen are juxtaposed by a thinly line drawn in sand of lies & hickies .

i grew up in the church . did the singing solos , did the praise dancing, worked with the youth .

but as much as i fill myself with the pixie dust, lillies, and cotton candy ...

some of my hellz bellz slips out the back .

cracked diamonds, glossy pearls, pincurls, shades, & chanel bags .

consuming like crack turn us into hags .

my wings got tangled in my high heel laces and i cant seem to fly.

often conflicted with the mascara, lacy undergarments & neckbiting .

late nights, street lights, hair in a mess with my lipgloss sticky .

california is so similar to the videos that its hard to discrimate between whats what .

let alone whats right & whats wrong . how can u tell if you cant even identify the indentity ?

between the material & the real ... something has to stand out righ ?

[chuckle chuckle]

these guys cant even help but be funny , smh. lol

i'll let it speak for itself .

HollyValens - Player After Hearts

click the link & check out the snippet [:

repost from may '09: lick your wounds

im a japanese sword that penetrates and twists organs .
i cut you last time, leaving your heart wounded on the floor .
i ran to your side & sobbed with all of my explanations of a 'bitch' who was sorry .
my excuses were those of a half-assed, "i told you so"s .
i told you that i was new at this "balancing of swords".
i told you that i cut someone before .
i warned ;

you thought you were invinsible . but nonetheless, i still twirled myself in your direction & sliced & diced . cuts on your eyes when you kept staring . gashes in arms that squeezed too tight for such heavy hardware. my blades ran across your mind when you racked it over and over and under and over and over .

i used to be dull, pretty with gold lining around my handles. a showcase piece at best . but life sharpened my edges and made me hard to handle . itll take a Samurai to truly know how to hold . how to caress . how to appreciate . i mean, somewhere in my edges is a gracefulness of honorable mention . when used properly, im fun, im beautiful, an interesting commodity. it just takes a man to understand. you were the child in a candy store , but the last thing i am is a simple sweet .

patience, the virtue .

feet twitching and hands sweating, waiting . for what, she did not know ... but her heart was heavy-
pounding like the kneading of dough .
her calm would not come down, instead it rose like helium filled balloons.
yes,
her calm twisted and ascended past train railings, rooftops, and up into rainy clouds.
her breathing was uneasy,
her mind, racing in the dark . trying to pick apart her fate, a puzzle missing pieces .

-- while at dinner with a friend, i expressed my anxious and complicated feelings about the future. with all of the possibilities and uncertainty in my future, i was told: "Don't feel anxious. God doesn't live in the same perspective of "time" as humans." we feel entitled to things because we have "waited" a long time. perhaps TIME does not need to change, but we do. you cant do the same thing over & over and expect a different outcome. another 'sometimes surprisingly wise' friend of mine (lol) once said, "stop worrying if the grass is greener on the other side and water your OWN grass." being so anxious about others and/or what's coming can plant a seed of destruction.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).