i am de[fine] fine .

"Im fine," says the little girl with dark, hallow eyes . somewhere in the corner of them was a sparkle of brown . but that corner is too far away . so far, that just when you finished running to it, you pass out from exhaustion ... never to actually enjoy its beauty . you might ask, "what pushed that brown further and further back into the oblivion ?" she'd answer "love" .

you see, "I'm fine" is the cake that you purchased after you realized the perfect one (with cream layers and chocolate swirls...accented with chocolate covered strawberries) was already taken. "Im fine" is the cake from Ralph's with your name spelled wrong on top . its acceptance of the unacceptable. "I'm fine" is a festering sore that moves through the body slowly. It first attacks the feet, making it hard to move on from one devastation because of fear. Next, the hands become paralized ... it can barely greet others, simply because that's how 'heartbreak-seeds' are planted. Finally, it hits the heart . not slow, like the others. more like a collision that points a gun to the hope in your spirit that maybe, just maybe ... someone is out there.

That little girl with the empty eyes has seen disappearance. devastation. immitation. betrayal. and love. she saw the latter in her grandparents, when he made her his chicken noodle soup and brought it to her bedside. she saw the latter in her parents, who embraced each other happily...leaning on one another graciously. she needs a brave soul to rescue her sparkle of brown .

bigger than me & you .

in all of your adversity , turn to God. He will surely make a way. Some people have a hard time believing in something they cannot see. They call Christians "closed minded" people who cannot see beyond tradition. Well perhaps others' minds are bound by the rules of logic rather than faith, hope & love. The earth is a great design, and every design has a designer. Masterpieces arent created by 'big bangs' and gorgeous, complex human beings dont just 'evolve' from germs over time. Great things need makers.

Even beyond that, i have seen personally what God has done for me. I lost my mother to breast cancer. Who would of thought that i would keep my sanity? When it happened, i couldnt even bear to think about the next week without her. i would cry thinking that i had to see another day. & now, i am fullfilling the dreams that we had for me. My mother found her purpose when she was diagnosed and helped so many people. Yes, God allowed it. However, God brought my mom's life purpose into perspective and she was happy.

Im not preaching some "All of you shall be doomed to hell" type stuff. Im saying some, "I have had a close encounter with God, he's real" type stuff. If there is some big 'hole' in your heart or some gap that has yet to be filled. turn to god, he'll feed the soul . some things are simply bigger than me and you. Some people say "How could God allow people to starve in Africa? How can God allow lack of resources in the middle east?" Hmmmmm . Why do Americans make up only 5% of the worlds population, but use up 30% of the worlds resources? something to think about. How can we allow it ? we often want God to be our savior, but not our lord.

. f*cked up color .

she woke up. what a bad dream, this one . the same dream as the other two-hundred, but it felt so real this time. She felt around the bed. It was there, she just knew it. She could smell the pink in the air, it had to of been there. She shook it off, felt the pink fall off of her nightgown. She hopped in the shower. The sprinkler head pushed out the steaming hot water onto her canvas. She hoped to wash off the dream. She hoped the water would cleanse her of the fright. For she knew where the center of fright stood… In between delicate feminist color & painful death. She moved her hand around her breast, but all she felt was silk. Tears rolled down her silk and into the collection of others acquired before. She knew what was coming. She sat on her bed and waited until finally she passed out. The ribbons came this time. Wrapping around her brain until her circulation was depleted. “About time,” she thought.

my love letter to pharrell .

Dear mr. williams ,

i cheated . im so sorry . but honestly, it's your fault . i loved you since you were frontin' . & i stayed . i loved your slanted eyes that breathed mischief and your small t-shirts that looked like they might blend in with your skin if they got any tighter . sigh . but you introduced me to that mistress . i was just supposed to like you . but i fell in love with your child. i know, i know ... i should be ashamed . but i am in love with ... 'seeing sounds' . don't judge me . I mean, dont get me wrong, change clothes kissed my neck, and bobby james took me out to eat once . I'll even admit to a nookie wave hickey with lazer gun carrier.

but damn 'Rell . 'seeing sounds' is not an album ... its a lover that drags its fingertips throughout my ears and soul . i got it bad . That line, "Your friendship means the most to me" made me blush a magenta red . The drums in anti-matter hit everybone in my body . The piano in you know what swept my spirit into another demension . I know its hard to hear , but im in love with the both of you . This love bomb triangle might be able to work though ... what do you think ? Let me know sooner or later because i need you . sighhhhh

All of my love,
Stevi Renee .

white oleanders .

aoh . you smoke ? urple ? og kush ? janjaweed ? wait . you never heard of that last one ? That one gets you higher than any other . It's found in the motherland . The adreneline rush . It's almost like hiding in your hut while men shove cold steel to your sister's head . it's almost like hearing the pregnant pistol push out its first born . it's almost like running to the police with bloodstained hands to find out that they sent them, what a rush . right ? That janja-'good good' .
Oh. i heard you like the to stay fly . Diamonds? gold chains? want a pearl? JEM ? well , if only we had enough J.E.M.'s to help the people who needed it the most . Cause beyond the 'bling' is a blind ambition for peace . a prayer for a justice and equality movement . How many minutes do you spend complaining about life ? maybe 200,000 to 500,000 ? The hole in which some have to crawl into is Darker than the fur on your mink .

Generic, glazed-over eyes make it easy to ignore the pain. Easy to pretend that it's a 'civil war' . No one wants to take lashes for 'savages' who have more intellect than 80% of our country. On the horizon of our conscious thoughts, we cower from that social responsibility. Cheadle spoke up . I will never know true humanity for myself until i see it . Damned if we dont, damned if we dont . Express some heart .

need to get it here .

you chew .
& knaw .
& caress .
scratch & scrape at the seams of my mind . tick . tick . tick . all i hear . i know my brain will explode eventually, im just waiting for the pressure to tickle the lining of my skull. you do that to me. You're that monsoon that frets my stomach, but the waves that ease my soul. that sensation from warm sheets fresh out the dryer ? you know . hot, new, dry, free of worries and moist. simplistic & real, i know my bargain . i indent into you like clay, please let it dry . The minds of the flat love to say 'wet'. it tickles their inner-fifth grader. but we're better. you've been there, done her ... that ? Our minds are woven . front to back, fibers touching the boundaries of what we are "supposed" to say . You stick to me , appreciated .

redemption ;

i hurt my grandpa's feelings last january . He asked me about the presidential nomination and i told him, "i dont think theyre gunna give it to him." I said the statement with so much ease and charisma. I didnt blink twice, i didnt breathe too heavily. Nothing was too big for me in that moment. BUT i saw the disappointment in his eyes. He saw the loss of hope in mine. my disdain bled all on my grandmother's lace . He cringed at my statement. I tried to recant, "Well, its not like i dont want him to win the nomination, i just think America may not be ready..." His eyes eased from disappointment to understanding, but not because of my re-word-re-try-to-ease-his-heart statement . He was saddened by the loss of faith in the world. A tender age of seventeen is no age to lose hope . My neck wasnt raw with the burns of a noose . My flesh was not broken by the water of firehoses. My eyes did not burn from the sight of burning crosses. Who was i to lose hope if my grandfather of age 68 had not ? From that hot mending of ideas, i found a different perspective laying in the dark corners of my heart ... that perspective was hope .

Hope was the difference between the win and the loss of Barack Obama . The belief that things could change . Without this, nothing is possible . This is not only a "Black Victory", this is a humanity expanse .

'the man'

speechless ..

society coincidences .

life chips away at the soul until you're left with who you are . brooklyn chipped . atlanta chipped . heartbreak chipped . darfur chipped . nas chipped . life chipped away at them .

titanium roses .

We stare for three minutes .
Just long enough for me to catch the glimpse of lust in his eyes .
Just long enough for him to notice I noticed .
Those eyes .
Heavy with the burden of lying to the world .
They were dark and dim, insinuating a light there before .
That heartache can short-circuit any light .
He walks up and says something in well-mannered, ‘blah blah’ language .
The voice distant, detached and mechanical .
The air around us made us colder,
Made us crave warmth like water after consumption of sand .
Curiosity .
Intimacy .
They craved .

peace of mouth .

Oh shxt . Here they comes again. pushing, kicking, elbowing the meeting of my lips. words. i dont know why i speak so fast . No one in my family does, it's not embedded in my DNA. I hate it as much as christmas shopping on the 23rd ! Fast talking is a reflection of weakness. it portrays an eagerness, a rushed answer, a loss of composure. My mind shows my brilliance, my name keeps me humble, my body reflects my purity. perfectly. but, damn this toungue of mine. :/

i speak fast because i think too fast. i sit for about two minutes sometimes and when im ready to speak, it comes out like a whirlwind of thoughts, analogies & perceptions. more than i bargained for. so , when you hear a jummble of words shoot out like a slingshot, understand .

now dont get me wrong, i dont wanna sound like a slowmotion-word-retard. i dont
need to sound extra drawnnn out to the point that i cannot seem to get my words
out before i lose my train of thought . i just want a little peace in my mouth.

love , caught .

if only life was as simplistic as a picture taken . No explanations, no wrong interpretation , just a snap of life ... still .

contribution .

What if the civil rights movement never happened? Water fountains would never be the same. How sad they would be, seeing the same kind of lips approach it every day. Poor restaurant door handles. It would suck feeling same white fingers gripping them with hatred and disdain, while the Blacks crept in through the back. What if we never heard N.E.R.D? Hip-hop would never be intertwined with sound and sight. My ipod would die of boredom without the guitar strings, vocals, and rapping. No Lauryn Hill to make me cry when no one else seemed to understand. No “Adore” by Prince, no classics. No Purple Rain, Ray Charles, Rocc Boys by Jay? What if there was no Barack Obama? It took years and years and months and seconds, minutes, decades, and years. Do you think another one would’ve come anytime soon? Spoke with his conviction? Made us believe? What if we never invented the airplane? Wait. We didn’t invent the airplane, someone else did. Someone we are not and can never be. Pro-life .