razor blade candy

flat character (n) - a character not fully developed who seems to represent a “type” more than a real personality .

the bully in the cafeteria who knocks down your food tray ... the neighborhood priest who always has kind, wise words ... the mobster bookie who threatens to cut your limbs off if you skip town ... grumpy old lady ... dumb jock ... stuck-up cheerleader ...

we have seen them on television shows, movies, & read them in books (hopefully) . they're these lazily drawn out archetypes of personalities that never seem to surprise us much . the books i like to read are the ones when the characters disappoint me or make me wonder about their actions . -it's realistic . often times, we like to think that people we meet day to day are flat characters . we like to drop people into two, clear cut containers labeled "HERO" & "VILLAIN" . there's no such thing . that's way too black&white to make any type of sense .

behind every person is a backstory . domestic violence, sexual assault, neglect, heartbreak, poverty, disappointment, and anguish . i told my friend yesterday that tragedy can cause one of two reactions out of people: (a) lashing out & scaring OR (b) gaining wisdom & understanding ... he told me i was wrong and said he experienced both reactions . he was right, and i didnt even take the time to realize that im the same way . - the true definition of a round character . now, i hope people dont use this as a crutch for doing grimey things or being dueche bags , im just saying this:

i dont believe in "good" and "bad" people . a person who did the most dirt will have the best testimony when they are ready to live right in the long run ...

case studies .

December 28th 2008 , New York . 1:56 am
ill pay for the ticket . ill pay for the subway ride for love ... & destination: straight to hell . you do what you do and pray that God doesnt hold you too accountable . truth be told , it's cold outside & love aint done nothin but strip me of my clothes . now a nigga butt naked, bare and freezin , beggin' for a bit of affection . well, im done with the projects of love . im movin' on up and into the comfort and warmth of selfishness .

February 14th 2009 , Los Angeles . 9:14 pm
mm hmm, One day . One day he'll surprise me with lillies and he'll know that they're my favorite . I can imagine his red sweater to match my red sweater (with sparkly shoes of course) and we'll make people look forward to something . we'll make people sigh when they see us live in each other . we'll make people warm with hopes of us . we'll make people look forward to a love like ours from their windows . walking down the beach and taking in the moon with our breaths . people will stare from their beach house windows . i wish i wasn't staring out of mine . . .

May 09th 2009 , Orlando . 7:45pm
...but im not the 'relationship type' . i may be the 'good girl' and i may have some principle ... but i dont believe that a real relationship can breathe with society shoving a pillow in it's face . Everything he's saying sounds like violins and 808's . Everything he is looks like disneyworld . No dark . BUT, i have scars from broken promises . it took years to cover them, and here he is . i cant help but think he has a razor blade behind his back .

July 12th 2009 , Chicago . 10:13am
Im painting today . Im painting the scars of his past because i like his present . I never like to hold things against a guy , but the tongue . the tongue of this town is sharp and cutting me with his accusations . im standing in front of him with my arms wide open , taking any slashing i can . im standing in front of his character, taking the stones of the people in their glass mansions . yet, he has no idea & he wont because ill be his rock . i don't even know em like that , but i know the butterflies in my stomach . i know them intimately .

November 21st 2009, Dallas . 2:15pm
i know all i need to , shit . i don't care what was said . i don't care what you think you heard . i don't care about the arguments or the speed bumps . i don't know what toothpaste he uses in the morning, and i don't need to know if that's a birthmark or scar ...yet . my soul twinkles at the mention of his name . you ever seen the stars out here ? yes . my spirit and these stars are simply Siamese & i am in bliss . ill take the ignorant bliss if that's all that left in the world ... whatever it is, it feels like something real .

January 30, 2010, Atlanta . 4:30am
we are simply characters . our settings change constantly and we are picked up by our wardrobe ...placed in a scenario and told, "ACTION !" we scrabble like lab rats trying to finish the maze hoping that the other is at the end, holding a happy ending in their hand . our souls are partners . they can place us in any maze and my soul will listen for your heartbeat ...pushing through any curve ball they throw . our frustration . our circumstances . the obstacles ...create smoke . sometimes i want to stop where i am cause im exhausted . please don't give up on a tired soul .

- so many thoughts, feelings, people, and perspectives . ironically enough, we all fit in somewhere ...even if it's in between . ironically, love is schizophrenic enough to make you feel all of these at once , smh .

. . . if only

jayde has not looked in a mirror in five months . She cant seem to get a handle on the girl that calls herself 'reflection'. miss reflection, the girl that stumbled into that party in her american apparel dress . the girl who found herself with hands cuffed to her mouth while she screamed for help . she screamed for liberation . she screamed for help , for it all to end . but the music, the party, his cold eyes filled her mouth, nostrils, ears & drowned her in a crime that burned her body to ash .

Jayde isn't the same . she wants control over her mind because the leash has been snapped . A bottle of vodka can make her cringe . A flannel shirt causes her eyes to water . A fitted cap, a song, the dark . . . all a trigger being pulled to push out the repulsion she feels for herself . she thinks it was her fault for that dress . she thinks she is disgusting .

Jayde has not looked in a mirror in five months . & you would never know .

[In 2007, there were 248,300 victims of rape, attempted rape, and sexual assault .]

* So many people have been sexually abused in their lifetime and you would never even guess it . I have had some girls tell me stories that make my stomach churn , really . Those vivid, horrible, sick experiences that people deal with . . . change them over the years . Please be sensitive to that idea when you make someone feel small . you never know how small theyre feeling already o_O .

my vagina says ...

today in African Diaspora and World class ... we discussed the liberation of women and the use of the word vagina . the word is so taboo in today's society . we saw some dance hall videos of jamaican women who sed that they danced provocatively because it was an opportunity to express themselves, blah blah . that's easily up for debate .

what i wonder is this .
why do we have such a hard time referring to our private parts as what they actually are ? instead, people say words like, "pussy, va-jayjay, dick, cock, etc" . (PS, dont act all shy now because you say it all of the time, no ?) . are we so uncomfortable with that concept of sexuality that we cant talk about it ? (btw, being comfortable doesnt mean having sex...it means accepting that its out there and making a decision to be involved or not.) sure, guys talk about their 'dick' alot .... to identify with their manhood probably. but why dont they use the biological term "penis"? does that make sexuality too serious ? does a sense of responsibility set in that they subconsciously repress ? i know it sounds too deep to be real, but everything has a meaning behind it .

i was always taught to say 'vagina'. hell, its what i have . my mother wanted me to get all the information from her rather than the playground. liberation is completely subjective & depends on who the person is. sex is a tricky business that causes more consequences than people bargain for. people often call sex 'liberating', but end up a prisoner in all of the psychological boobie traps that it entails . with all of my personal views aside, lemme say ... be careful people .

just a thought or three :)

have a ... day .

at the end of the day, nothing matters that much .
i was thinking [like always] & i realized that people care too much about things that will be irrelevant later . people are worried about having no money today, but they know theyre gunna get summore in a week or two . sure, its annoying ... but nothing to worry over . people worry about a F that they got on a test 3days ago . wth ? it already happened . all you can do is study for the next test . whats done is done . worrying about clothes that will be out of style in a month, or 'pimpin your ride' so you can find girls who like you for all the wrong reasons . yummy lol . girls worrying about a guy that hasnt called ... so what ? i mean it may suck, but if he isnt putting in the effort, apparently he isnt for you . keep it pushin ! sheeeeeesh ;

life is all about perspective. what may seem like the craziest circumstance is not really big when looked at from a different angle . just a thought :)

so, have a nice day ... but thats up to you .

peace of mouth .

Oh shxt . Here they comes again. pushing, kicking, elbowing the meeting of my lips. words. i dont know why i speak so fast . No one in my family does, it's not embedded in my DNA. I hate it as much as christmas shopping on the 23rd ! Fast talking is a reflection of weakness. it portrays an eagerness, a rushed answer, a loss of composure. My mind shows my brilliance, my name keeps me humble, my body reflects my purity. perfectly. but, damn this toungue of mine. :/

i speak fast because i think too fast. i sit for about two minutes sometimes and when im ready to speak, it comes out like a whirlwind of thoughts, analogies & perceptions. more than i bargained for. so , when you hear a jummble of words shoot out like a slingshot, understand .

now dont get me wrong, i dont wanna sound like a slowmotion-word-retard. i dont
need to sound extra drawnnn out to the point that i cannot seem to get my words
out before i lose my train of thought . i just want a little peace in my mouth.