The Thirst Is Real & The Dating Is Dead.

Women,

It seems as though we have dug ourselves into a deep hole. When I came to college in ’08 and said the term, “thirsty”, I received looks of astonishment. It was like I gave some of my friends the key term to identify the creeps in Atlanta. In fact, my friend wrote an article called “Thirsty In the AUC” because she fell in love with the word and thought it was hilarious. Eventually, other synonyms like “pressed” and “parched” came along to poke fun at aggressive, desperate men and women.

However, women got carried away with the term- calling every man thirsty when he showed an inkling of interest. Now, women have created a monster. We created an entirely new breed of lazy-man-daters who would rather “play it cool” than be called “thirsty”. It’s their biggest fear. I hear so many women saying, “Guys don’t know how to date anymore” and “All guys wanna do now is chill at the house.” Unfortunately, you have set the standard for prideful men to put no effort into dating you. When they wanted to take you out to a nice restaurant, they were trying too hard. If they bought you flowers, they were thirsty. If they opened up to you about their feelings, they were pressed. The problem is people are equating thirst with apparent interest. It is not the same. A thirsty guy will follow you three blocks down the street after you tell him that you’re not interested. However, women are so quick to deem a guy as thirsty if he asks you for the time of day. So, now men are only asking you if you want to come to his house, “roll up” and watch a movie.

Now, boys are not completely off the hook. This is truly an epidemic of apathetic daters- guys who see little value in dating. There are guys who do not know how to date. Or, simply, they have dealt with so many easy women that they do not see a need to put in effort. I’ll be frank. Women, a man will date you if he sees that you are worthy of being dated. You have to set the standard and you have to humble yourself. Courtship is not dead. There are still good men out there who want to take you to eat or cook for you. There are still good men who plan outings and approach you like a lady. Finding the date, however, will require you to keep your nose (and sometimes your legs) out of the air for a while. That’s the truth. 

*p.s. that picture has a typo. It should say, "you're". (sigh)

...because you're dating a sociopath.

Lately, it seems as though I hear the term “sociopath” being used in sermons and articles. It’s such an ugly word that has so many implications. In fact, the word is so scary that people reserve it for horror movies and psychologist offices (btw, sociopaths are not the same thing as psychopaths). Let me reassure you, sociopaths are among us more often than you’d expect. I keep hearing stories from friends who deal with the most cruel people in their relationships.  Quite frankly, they are dating sociopaths.

The main traits of a sociopath:

  1.     superficial charm

  2.     inflated view of self-worth, cocky, braggart

  3.     pathological lying

  4.     parasitic lifestyle

  5.     lack of empathy

  6.     failure to accept responsibility for ones own actions

  7.     irresponsibility

  8.     lack of remorse or guilt

  9.     impulsive

  10. conning and manipulative

I dated a sociopath once. He was extremely selfish and it seemed like he sucked all of the energy I had. He was manipulative- constantly flashing his award-winning smile and charming sense of humor to get out of his tight-binds. He took and took and took from me without any remorse at all. Even when he would lie, steal, and cheat… he found a way to be the victim. He rationalized all of his faults and pretended to hate himself for being a douche. He constantly claimed to be “misunderstood” and this was simply his over-inflated perception of himself. He thought he was so complex and deep. In all actuality, he was just a narcissist (as you stare at the picture of me to the left lmao).

I know it seems like I am being harsh on this guy, but I’m not. In fact, I am not even speaking about him as a person. Instead, I am speaking about a sociopath- layers and smoke and mirrors that have been placed on a real human being. Sociopaths become so engulfed in their nonsense that they lose their sense of self. What’s worse? A lot of the time, they harm numerous people and relationships around them.

They come in all shapes and sizes: best friends, relatives, boyfriends, girlfriends, associates, employers, celebrities, and strangers. They will leave you feeling drained and even worse, feeling like you're to blame. Sociopaths – because of their charm and manipulation- have a way of making you feel guilty for the failed relationships. You’ll feel responsible for their happiness and dependent on their attention. Perhaps you need to reevaluate some of your relationships. Are you getting as much as you’re receiving? Emotionally, intimately, effort, and respect are all things that should be under consideration. If you are a sociopath reading this post (which 9 times out of 10, they think to highly of themselves to take accountability for being a sociopath), check yourself ... douche bag. 

a battlefield of the mind

life is a mental and spiritual battlefield. Life is truly going to be what you make it.  You have the choice and power to shift your mind towards certain energy and thoughts. Some moments may be more of a struggle than others, but each moment counts.

Have you ever heard of the term “muscle memory”?  It is a second nature habit that is acquired through continual repetition.  If a person plays “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” on a piano over and over again, they will eventually be able to play the song without any thought at all. Now, if the pianist practices the song perfectly then it’s beneficial. Imagine, however, if the pianist practiced the song incorrectly, everyday, for three years. It’s a pretty hard habit to break. The same muscle memory works with your mind. When you continuously find the positivity in your life, it becomes easier to call on your inner joy. However, when you exercise a mindset of bitterness and negativity, your spirit will get accustomed.

When adversity strikes you, you have the choice to recognize that moment as the enemy’s attempt to steal your joy. You have the option to seek out the light in the darkest moments. When faced with hardship, you have to be resourceful with the thoughts you have. I’ll give a personal example. I lost my mother at the age of sixteen. It was by far, the hardest day of my entire life. Now, when I face adversity, I have two mental and spiritual options:

1.     I could stack the problems I have on top of one another and sit underneath the burden. I could say, “God, why this too?” I could gather the all my hardships and pile them until I feel overwhelmed and sit in that misery. Trust me, it has happened. When I lost one of my bestfriends, Samantha, I thought, “God, why am I losing another person close to me? My mother, now her?” I piled all of my frustration (my finances, my stress, my past heartbreaks, my past losses, and the deaths of my loved ones) and pitied myself for all of the things that hindered me. Honestly, that’s the worse thing you can do. It makes you self-deprecating and selfish.

2.     I also have the option to use my hardships as a litmus test for the next trial I encounter.  When God says that he will never give you more than you can bear, he isn’t lying. You simply do not know your own strength. When my mother died, I thought my mind would “snap” at any moment. I literally waited for the moment that I would go into a dark, mental place. Instead, I found strength in myself that I did not know existed. Now, when I come across adversity, I have to stop and think, “Stevi, you have endured worse. Through Christ, you have the means to get through anything.” Yes, you will cry at times and fall apart. Yet, you have to get back to joy. Even when you do not have the solution directly in front of you, put faith in God that things will work.

The mind and spirit are muscles that need to be exercised continuously. It is the little things. The key is to keep awareness about you. You need to remember that everything is not about you. things could be worse. things will get better.

“We will never enjoy life unless we make a quality decision to do so,” Says Joyce Meyers, “Joy and enlightenment are available just as misery is available. Righteousness and peace are available and so are condemnation and turmoil.”

So, About Gabby...

Unless you have been living in a cave over the last couple of days, you know who Gabby Douglas is. I commend her for staying confident and positive in the midst of the media-firestorm...

Recently, Spelman College made efforts to congratulate Gabby Douglas in London. According to TMZ, Spelman sent her a gift bag and Dr. Beverly Tatum expressed an interest in Gabby as a potential student at the historically black college. Whether or not you believe that Spelman is "going too hard" or that it's a "lost cause" is irrelevant. Quite frankly, you don't know Gabby. That seems to be the problem here. Everyone thinks they know what she'll do or how she should do it.

There are pros and cons for Gabby to consider. If she wants to attend a school with gymnastics and athletics then Spelman (who recently decided to stray from their athletics department) may not be the best choice. However, Spelman is an exceptional institution that instills a solid pride and understanding of one's past. Similarly, Spelman has a track record of grooming women to change the world (seriously, the world). Why is Spelman thirsty for congratulating a successful girl on her national triumph? Honestly, they'd be a fool not to want her. Nevertheless, just because we know what Gabby Douglas can do, it does not mean that we know who she is as a person. We should all let her live and enjoy her success.

[What's probably the most obnoxious thing are the twitter comments and TMZ comments online.]

"Why is there a need for such segregation in this day and age? A black college? Such a thing shouldn't exist, anymore than a "white college" should."

"This is ridiculous, a BLACK COLLEGE? While Martin Luther King Jr, preached abolishing segregation he sent his kids to an all black school? Why even today? Black Rights groups would complain about an all white college. Just have regular colleges not just one race at each!"

"I heard a rep from the bronx zoo was trying to talk to her."

-- The last comment that I posted is the reason that there is a need for HBCUs. There are such things as "white colleges" and they are called PWIs (predominately white institutions) - Yale, Harvard, Princeton, UCLA, and many more. Don't get me wrong. I commend the African American students who attend these schools- regardless of marginalization and underrepresentation. Let's not forget the protests that happened in 2008 over the embarrassingly low rate of African Americans that were admitted at UCLA (despite the students academic competitiveness). Trust me, "white college" exist.  When looking at these TMZ comments, It astonishes me how people can go through the hassle of commenting on the site, but refuse to do their research. If they did, they would know that Martin Luther King Jr. attended Morehouse College (an HBCU) and they would know the sentimental value of these schools. These pretentious commenters would also know that HBCUs do not turn away students of other ethnic backgrounds. It is a HISTORICALLY black college. This means that it was founded during segregation when white people would literally lynch us if we stepped foot on their campuses. These comments (especially the ones from Morehouse men on twitter) are disheartening. We need to pay attention to the real problem, not pull each other down like crabs in a barrel. 

Clearly, there is still a need for HBCUs and a need for enlightenment. My senior year in high school, i was told that slavery was needed for economic reasons. After this thorough graze over slavery, we moved onto the next subject matter in U.S. history. I needed Spelman. Now, Spelman needs me. I'll always stick up for my alma matter's relevance in society. I suggest others do the same. 

to see more ignorant TMZ commentary (and a sprinkle of enlightened ones): TMZ article

A Spike Lee Joint

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