signed, your secret admirer .

leave something to the imagination .
keeping at least ten feet distance make my turls coe . he makes me jumble my thoughts. thoughts of prickly vines that choke out the assumptions i have of him . i wonder what he likes to do in his leftover time . leftovers are always the best, i wonder if he can fit me in . ill squeeze .
i wonder if he likes my music . i wonder if he's the 'strong silent type'? i have always liked the golden way he stares but never speaks . its almost as if he's concentrating on remaining sexy . holding, gripping on to that mystery that makes him ... him . i wonder if he's the artsy type ...seeing the world from a twisted lense with colorful cool tints. like me . i wonder if he's ever seen me: hand glued to my chin with my eyes glazed over ; we run into each other time to time . sharing .75 glances of introversion. i wonder if he has looked right through me as if i was some 5'5 glass window of nothingness .

i'd rather not know .

i dont want to know him . i dont want to find out he likes soft rock music & hates kanye & NERD . i dont want to find out that he's a math major with a minor in boring . i dont want him to lack ambition . i dont want to hear 'bitch' come out of his mouth ...staining his lips with the hopes i once had for him . id rather we didnt meet.

i'll just hold on to my constructed prototype . id rather hold on to my hot, artsy, simplistic you .

i love where music is right now .

* who knew kanye was a sex symbol all of a sudden ? lol . i can digg it . somebody has to represent for the underdawgs =) .

other videos to youtube:
chrisette michele 'epiphany' (guest cameo w/ aubrey graham aka DRIZZY DRAKE lol)
keri hilson 'return the favor'

cool beans people, cool beans <3

they knew it was comming ;

Disney's Trailer for the First African American Princess:



okay , so . im going to try and not jump down the throats of the racist disney corporation lol . "Tiana" is the name of the first EVER Black disney princess. For the longest time, all we could ever claim was maybe jasmine from Aladdin ? lol . so, it is only acceptable that people have high expectations... have they been met ? i cant say im sure. Mulan was in china . Snow white was in some far away cottage . Bell lived in a glamourous castle ...'somewhere'. However, we have Tiana who stays in New Orleans? (which was an upgrade from Alabama where the movie writers originally had her placed). They originally named her 'maddy' ... , what thee hell ? they might has well suggested 'anna mae' . The movie is entitled "The princess and the Frog"...how glamorous right? but hey, we cant complain... it was initially called "The Frog Princess".

i let them muther effers slide when they did the lionking ...a greeeeat movie !!
but somehow the setting was in africa and NO ONE had an african accent except
for rafiki's baboon a** . lol mmhm haha, but hey ... i digress :

anywho, & for our handsome, strong Black men ... you will not be represented in this picture lmxo . sowy . Tiana's prince is white. I have mixed feelings about this because i feel like people are going to be displeased regardless of what Disney does. at the same time, did disney disregard the idea of a black prince because it would discourage others to come and see it ? I just feel like every other princess was so prestigious & classy. They were the epitome of womanhood and grace. Disney may have simply screwed us over . we will have to watch and see. i just want my little cousin to grow up & not equate herself with the princess who was 'almost' as special as the others ;


& what the F*CK is up with that snaggled tooth, country bumpkin crackhead firefly bug thing ? thats that bullshxt . >:0

my artist .

i want an artist boyfriend .


a guy who can paint the swirls of brown in my pigment . a guy who can pick out the shades of brown to use . the guy who can appreciate my melanin browns: cafe, mocha & caramel . the painter who can imagine the taste & paint it on his canvas . a guy who will splash his frustrations on the white surface & stroke what needs stroking . dab and blot the tiny tinkle of specks in my eyes until he needs the real thing ;


a guy who escapes the world into his music . someone with a get-away that can take my hand and heart with him . we can jump off clefs & swim with octaves . just so he can show me his world of notes & make me quiver with quavers . he'll stare at me & figure out how to catch the beat that my heart makes when he's far & near . pressing the piano hard so i can hear , not the notes but the effort . the passion ;


a guy who can click and stop the tick of my heart . capturing that part of my body that i was oblivious to . the photographer who appreciates every second of me from the open, movement, and close of my eyelids when i blink . dipping me into wetness until he lifts me up to hang and dry in his darkroom . catching the light that falls on my scars ... blushing while he attempts to capture them , calling them beauty ;


mmm , a guy who can scratch his pen to write his name in my soul . lips opening and closing over and over . personification and imagery taking me with him anywhere he wants . digging into my mind to find analogies and relativity dipped in chocolate . sweeter than the things he puts into his mouth, the things he takes out , whoa . he should keep his words for himself ... we are not worthy ;


can my soul even handle such bliss ?

pure genious . i love me some kanye and keri !!

rush .

oh no, here comes a blush .
i hate that im liking him cause it cant lead to anything short of complicated .
he's like peach cobbler a la mode .
tastes like heaven , but cottage cheese thighs later ... signing up for jenny ;
he's like golden sand stuck between my fingernails .
annoying. but ill embrace the experience .
& it annoys me that i have to care about someone .
& it annoys me that i have to put effort again .
& it annoys me that my mind will be stretched to the furthest of insanities .

im juggling this infactuation grenade , waiting for it to go off ..
sometimes we dont know why we do the things we do
sometimes its just about t h e r u s h .

if you have a dumb sense of humor like me ... =/ haha

whoa , you think you are that f*cking cool ? .. inspired by shihan

congratulations !!!

you are the walking display of materialism, insecurity, and ignorance incarnate . im so impressed that you were able to embody the essence of every other LA resident that you have ever seen . thank you for your consistency . as frequent as the seasons change, i can expect your personality to as well . you know , you used to be lame . so concerned with others think of you . making sure you had friends who you knew werent friends to begin with . its funny though, not much has changed ....i guess funny in the kind of way that death is ? you`re transparent . as much as we see your new fit, we see your thirst for acceptance. if everyone jumped off of a bridge ... wait , you did . you left your stability and foundation, only to drown in a big body of iphones, body ink, hooker heels, levi jeans, fitted hats, & mini skirts from american apparel . we are entitled to our style just like we deserve to breathe air. but sweetie, thats just not you . last year you were 'bohemian' ? this year you wear tu-tus & tights ? in november, you were political . buht two months ago you went through your hippie smoker stage . who are you ? hell, who am i talking to ? you sure as hell dont know ;

they say if you stand for something then youll fall for anything . well sir , i think you scraped your knee . & your stomach is bleeding. & your shoulders. your hands, your face, your soul . i tried to help, but i only have so many band-aids .

this time, you`re on your own .

shihan . <3

s i m p l e .

simplicity please ? i'd love some .


no past memories of heartbreak and devastation .
no expectations of what we will be or wont be .
i put the worries, insecurities, and inhabitions in a ziplock bag & out of reach .
the pressure of finding 'the right one' would pushed out of a fifteen story window .
the wondering how they like your hair, what to wear, what sounds intense and akward .

instead...


how about my sweatpants? what about my ugg boots? i know theyre ugly, but they feel like clouds. what do you think of my hair up in a messy bun ? wait, who cares wat you think ... just like it real quick, okay ? my toes need a rest, no heels tonight . that means no wondering if you're pissed about paying for dinner again . movies and pizza instead sounds perfect...my treat. we can kiss during the romantic scenes...its up to you. either way, i had no expectations. i just wanna laugh at the funny parts... so hard that my stomach is aching. im not planning out my wedding, im just tryna lay in that nook of your chin & chest .

simplicity .

heroes in love .

as teenagers , we often think that the age of '16' or '18' makes us entitled to the wisdom of understanding what 'LOVE' is . like making us a day over the required age causes some biological development of compassion & selflessness . psh .

i dont know how many times we are allotted to fall in love . i dont know if 'love at first sight' truly exists . i dont even know if ive ever truly been in love . but i know what love looks like .

could you love a woman who had no hair ? comming home and rubbing her bald head while she cried in the mirror. helping her to shave the stubble hairs off from time to time ? could you love a girl with tatts ? not from the parlor, but from radiation visits . three little dots to mark where to zap . would you buy her ginger for her nausea ? you hold her while she cries ? would you look past her burnt veins from the chemo ? thats love . giving all of you and showing courage even when you are terrified all on your own .

i know what love looks like . & real love never wants to hide its beauty . so u never have to worry about true love wearing masks . this is dedicated to the strongest, realest, honorable man i know ... my dad . & this is in loving memory of the strongest, couragest, beautiful woman i knew ... my mom . i pray to have one day what you two shared for almost 20 years .

calories ? what theeee hell are those ?

a prayer for the paper

media & cigarettes are synonymous .

poor little tiana . she wakes up drowing in audio floods of breast enhancement deals . with crust in her eyes & scarf on her head she looks into the mirror . glass doesnt need to be shattered to cut . it takes a soldier to see one's beauty in a battle of negativy .
so back to tiana:
she walks down the street to Insecurity High School [off of melrose btw] . She lifts her head & see's dollar signs in the clouds . money might as well be there, she knows it aint in her pocket . she steps in somethin, bullshxt . girls with sandyblonde hair & prada shades plague her while in class . she looks to her left , unaffordable uggs . she looks to her right, dolce&gabbana handbags that whisper snickers and laughter . Tiana turns on her ipod to block the baracade of pain . "money....blah blah...honey with the long hair & light skin...blah blah...ten drinks at the bar...blah blah...car with rims....". she cant escape the poison .

beyonce in leotards & heels . ciara in a mid-drift & sweats . those spandex tight girls in the dream's video . keri hilsons legs .ashanti's weave . okay, not ashanti's weave .

.. middle finger to the people who think they can tell me what i am . middle finger to the bastards who try to convince me that im not skinny enough, thick enough, light enough, that my hair is long, that my booty isnt big, that im flat chested, that im not sexy enough, that im too smart, that im not thee epitome of who i want & need to be . psh, who the f*ck are you anyway ?

war of thee genetalia .

who will wave their white flag first ?
apparently we are at war with each other .
planting grenades in each others pockets & vaginas .
excuse my graphic imagery, but the elite of both side knows where the other's weakness is .
women try to g u a r d their softspots, because to men ... its just sex .
they shank you & then leave you bleeding & wounded .
Men keep their hands in their pockets so no other fingers can fit inside . $$ is their virginity & when the enemy invades , it burns like acid torture everytime .

however, this war is special ... the opposing sides NEED each other for survival ;
women & men are plagued with two different burdens .

women crave intimacy. not sex. they want someone who's strong to make them feel like they are the only one that he sees . sex makes women hallucinate because their mindset is mind set into naivete . during they day, they can discrimate lies from the genuine. but, whatever they hear in those sheets is soaked into their skin like water that never gets sweated out. they want to be held, they want to see him transform his strength so he can caress her like she's fragile ...like she's valuable ...like she's his money .

men want the one thing that will kill them in the end . money sustains them for only so long . it brings temporary satisfaction for boys who can only appreciate material . money is a tricky criptonite . money creates over ambition & blindfolds you until you cant see happiness for what it really is . money keeps you warm in the winter, but it'll burn you to death when youre in a place of comfort . money, cars, clothes, & hos are only for the shallow & artificial . if theyre lucky, they can figure out what real happiness is before they are held hostage for too long .


* until each party knows who they are & grows the courage to trust ... there is no winner .

thoughts on a sunday morning ;

this is just a thought process, nothing more .

two years ago today ... i dont know where the hell i was . haha, i could lie and say i remember but then id have to make up some story . i just know i was in California, and naive . its crazy how time can change so much of your life . i experienced the loss of my mom, i met a guy who changed my life forever, & i met friends who backstabbed & had my back through the worst & best of times . It's crazy, when you live in California ... its almost impossible to see yourself leave . even though it criples us because we lose perspective & humanity for others .

When i meet people now, i hold the idea in the back of my mind that they could potentially change my life. They might give you directions on the street, that leads you to the place that you'll get hit by a stray bullet. That guy at the club who you think is just a guy and will end up being a 3 year relationship. That girl you saw two days ago is the same girl who will give you a job two years later. life is funny that way . life has a dry, malicious sense of humor...beware. the same girl you trusted for fifteen years can sleep with your husband later . life is FUNNY . no ?

I just cant believe im in a dorm room in DC visiting my friend at Howard with neon green nail polish & my hair sweated out . how did i get here ? who wouldve known a month ago that i would be on the train riding by the capital ? who wouldve known that i would be living in Atlanta going to Spelman ? Who wouldve known that the asian lady over there by CVS would have waxed my eyebrows too skinny and that i woulda liked them ?! lmxo .

...i just wonder what lies ahead. & even though i have been burned by lifes curling iron, i still look forward to the things to come . =) idk ... life is just funny that way ....i guess.

btw, if i bored you ...dont care lol . this one was for me .

mmm . californication .

peel back the first layer of my eyes .

be careful , the shine extends far & seaguls fly .

sand will pour out like the sea-saltwater .

& bums & vendors will post-up and bother .

please scrape our skin .

our tans have been anxious to peep through & sin .

making men lust

just

to get a glimpse of us ...

push through my eyebrows please

you'll encounter 'in n out signs' & palm tree leaves .

red and blue flags entangled in my toes

in pain & crying singing funeral woes .

my cleavage cant hold much

but my heart & my soul

that carries my love for cali ...

im almost home =)

spoiled lil' LA girl ...

im naturally a good girl .

i mean, im no angel ... but i keep a

spare halo in my coach slingpurse .

but see, heaven & heathen are juxtaposed by a thinly line drawn in sand of lies & hickies .

i grew up in the church . did the singing solos , did the praise dancing, worked with the youth .

but as much as i fill myself with the pixie dust, lillies, and cotton candy ...

some of my hellz bellz slips out the back .

cracked diamonds, glossy pearls, pincurls, shades, & chanel bags .

consuming like crack turn us into hags .

my wings got tangled in my high heel laces and i cant seem to fly.

often conflicted with the mascara, lacy undergarments & neckbiting .

late nights, street lights, hair in a mess with my lipgloss sticky .

california is so similar to the videos that its hard to discrimate between whats what .

let alone whats right & whats wrong . how can u tell if you cant even identify the indentity ?

between the material & the real ... something has to stand out righ ?

lice .

he wants to do the best by me . i wanna let him . but everything he says is worth half a penny to me . its bland, its tense, its like an arranged marriage . he still has man shoes to grow into . size 10 to be approximate . i only gave half of me buht it seemed to be enough to reel him into my disillusionment. i wanna appologize, but he's not even man enough to understand . poor thing, chewed his shit up with hot sauce & spit it out .

hmm, he's been around for years . he fed me the best of bullshit . i stayed in the kitchen while he baked it . i couldnt smell it . i guess enough sugar-coating can hide any wretched smell . ill admit i made some mistakes, but when crunch time came, he crunched me & chose her . i wanted to keep things safe, but as much as i tried to fasten my lifevest, he poked holes which caused me to drown in a puddle of drama . now things cant be the same .

whats the price for happiness? is the ex doo mama drama worth the feeling that this one gives ? he makes me smile like happiest memory. if i could fly us away to some foreign land & start a new ... life would be exceedingly amazing . nevertheless, we are held captive by community stigma, hating & doubt . girls raiding my caralibro trying to find evidentiary evidence to prosecute a man who has done nothing wrong in any capacity. im the helpless spouse crying in the courtroom .

whats a girl to do ?