i am de[fine] fine .

"Im fine," says the little girl with dark, hallow eyes . somewhere in the corner of them was a sparkle of brown . but that corner is too far away . so far, that just when you finished running to it, you pass out from exhaustion ... never to actually enjoy its beauty . you might ask, "what pushed that brown further and further back into the oblivion ?" she'd answer "love" .

you see, "I'm fine" is the cake that you purchased after you realized the perfect one (with cream layers and chocolate swirls...accented with chocolate covered strawberries) was already taken. "Im fine" is the cake from Ralph's with your name spelled wrong on top . its acceptance of the unacceptable. "I'm fine" is a festering sore that moves through the body slowly. It first attacks the feet, making it hard to move on from one devastation because of fear. Next, the hands become paralized ... it can barely greet others, simply because that's how 'heartbreak-seeds' are planted. Finally, it hits the heart . not slow, like the others. more like a collision that points a gun to the hope in your spirit that maybe, just maybe ... someone is out there.

That little girl with the empty eyes has seen disappearance. devastation. immitation. betrayal. and love. she saw the latter in her grandparents, when he made her his chicken noodle soup and brought it to her bedside. she saw the latter in her parents, who embraced each other happily...leaning on one another graciously. she needs a brave soul to rescue her sparkle of brown .

bigger than me & you .

in all of your adversity , turn to God. He will surely make a way. Some people have a hard time believing in something they cannot see. They call Christians "closed minded" people who cannot see beyond tradition. Well perhaps others' minds are bound by the rules of logic rather than faith, hope & love. The earth is a great design, and every design has a designer. Masterpieces arent created by 'big bangs' and gorgeous, complex human beings dont just 'evolve' from germs over time. Great things need makers.

Even beyond that, i have seen personally what God has done for me. I lost my mother to breast cancer. Who would of thought that i would keep my sanity? When it happened, i couldnt even bear to think about the next week without her. i would cry thinking that i had to see another day. & now, i am fullfilling the dreams that we had for me. My mother found her purpose when she was diagnosed and helped so many people. Yes, God allowed it. However, God brought my mom's life purpose into perspective and she was happy.

Im not preaching some "All of you shall be doomed to hell" type stuff. Im saying some, "I have had a close encounter with God, he's real" type stuff. If there is some big 'hole' in your heart or some gap that has yet to be filled. turn to god, he'll feed the soul . some things are simply bigger than me and you. Some people say "How could God allow people to starve in Africa? How can God allow lack of resources in the middle east?" Hmmmmm . Why do Americans make up only 5% of the worlds population, but use up 30% of the worlds resources? something to think about. How can we allow it ? we often want God to be our savior, but not our lord.

. f*cked up color .

she woke up. what a bad dream, this one . the same dream as the other two-hundred, but it felt so real this time. She felt around the bed. It was there, she just knew it. She could smell the pink in the air, it had to of been there. She shook it off, felt the pink fall off of her nightgown. She hopped in the shower. The sprinkler head pushed out the steaming hot water onto her canvas. She hoped to wash off the dream. She hoped the water would cleanse her of the fright. For she knew where the center of fright stood… In between delicate feminist color & painful death. She moved her hand around her breast, but all she felt was silk. Tears rolled down her silk and into the collection of others acquired before. She knew what was coming. She sat on her bed and waited until finally she passed out. The ribbons came this time. Wrapping around her brain until her circulation was depleted. “About time,” she thought.

my love letter to pharrell .

Dear mr. williams ,

i cheated . im so sorry . but honestly, it's your fault . i loved you since you were frontin' . & i stayed . i loved your slanted eyes that breathed mischief and your small t-shirts that looked like they might blend in with your skin if they got any tighter . sigh . but you introduced me to that mistress . i was just supposed to like you . but i fell in love with your child. i know, i know ... i should be ashamed . but i am in love with ... 'seeing sounds' . don't judge me . I mean, dont get me wrong, change clothes kissed my neck, and bobby james took me out to eat once . I'll even admit to a nookie wave hickey with lazer gun carrier.

but damn 'Rell . 'seeing sounds' is not an album ... its a lover that drags its fingertips throughout my ears and soul . i got it bad . That line, "Your friendship means the most to me" made me blush a magenta red . The drums in anti-matter hit everybone in my body . The piano in you know what swept my spirit into another demension . I know its hard to hear , but im in love with the both of you . This love bomb triangle might be able to work though ... what do you think ? Let me know sooner or later because i need you . sighhhhh

All of my love,
Stevi Renee .

white oleanders .

aoh . you smoke ? urple ? og kush ? janjaweed ? wait . you never heard of that last one ? That one gets you higher than any other . It's found in the motherland . The adreneline rush . It's almost like hiding in your hut while men shove cold steel to your sister's head . it's almost like hearing the pregnant pistol push out its first born . it's almost like running to the police with bloodstained hands to find out that they sent them, what a rush . right ? That janja-'good good' .
Oh. i heard you like the to stay fly . Diamonds? gold chains? want a pearl? JEM ? well , if only we had enough J.E.M.'s to help the people who needed it the most . Cause beyond the 'bling' is a blind ambition for peace . a prayer for a justice and equality movement . How many minutes do you spend complaining about life ? maybe 200,000 to 500,000 ? The hole in which some have to crawl into is Darker than the fur on your mink .

Generic, glazed-over eyes make it easy to ignore the pain. Easy to pretend that it's a 'civil war' . No one wants to take lashes for 'savages' who have more intellect than 80% of our country. On the horizon of our conscious thoughts, we cower from that social responsibility. Cheadle spoke up . I will never know true humanity for myself until i see it . Damned if we dont, damned if we dont . Express some heart .