4k denial ♥ .

he walked towards me , mentally . he spoke to me , spiritually . the frame of his body ... framed my life . i shouldn't have admired the picture so arrogantly ; like this masterpiece was of my brilliance . i stroked his face, his arms, his chest, this wooden frame so vigorously that i pulled back splintered hands .

splintered hands, splintered hands .

but i picked my fingers piece by piece until i built a bridge over nonsense . ill crawl across if need be to reach your sweet, honey bliss . your new & fresh hugs that will squeeze strength into my veins and shrink life's burdens like a 'drink me' bottle . I'll wonder about you until i wander over the bridge . your sprinkled crumbs of honesty, vulnerability, and dependability fill me up like a nourishment prayer . baby i've had a bite, i want the cake . you're something new, but i want the taste .

splintered hands, splintered hands .

sometimes i'm nostalgic . sometimes i think a ziplock bag worth of circumstance can change a garbage bag of bullshit . never fear flame , im too bored of that russian roulette ferris wheel . im crawling on the bridge ... away from crushed arteries & into your ER . forget that, have faith in your wisdom & boxing gloves . keep fighting, relentlessly ... im a feminist, but im bashfully your cheerleader . your fight for me ... through it all ...shall shake the contenders... like vibrato . the battles almost over .

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou

a pile of pauses .

He said, "am i gonna talk to you tonight?"

and i paused before i answered .

he didn't seem to notice .

but why should he ?
a pause is just a pause . a small little breath taken in to find some words . right ? wrong .

a pause is more than a coincidence of sentence . a pause is a huge thing filled and overflowing with implications, possibilities, and things unsaid .

a pause can be the time needed to respond with a witty reply .

a pause can be the time to make up a lie . obligations, expectations, hopes and faith is poured on us like molten lava ... burning what we think we're capable of; we look in that moment of nothingness for an escape ... a key hole of possibility to avoid the situation .

a pause can be the leash we need to hold back wild tears .

a pause can the time allotted ...to gather the pieces of yourself... just enough of yourself to tell a hurtful confession of truth to a loved one .

a pause can be a thought: the fantasy of hands pressing against flesh in a warm mess of passion . pauses that are taken to give us enough time to smirk . lips that press firmly against one another so steamy words cannot leak out into the world .

a pause can hold the laughs that are SO INTENSE that no sound comes out for the first 3 seconds .

mmm yes . a pause can be a time to weigh options . sitting in your room listening to music and wondering where this can go . an imaginary moment that manipulates you into believing that you can actually control fate . a moment of fake control ... like you can actually predict what will happen if you say, "yes" or "uhm, naw im going to bed." a pause to think, 'whats the worse that can happen?'

. . . a pause that is bold enough to answer your question & change everything .

sous-estimer .

take my intelligence , strangle it with both hands and bury it near the rest of your bull .

underestimating my intelligence can be equated with scraping a chalkboard in my ear while watching a marathon of George Bush's speeches . don't you hate when people think THEY'RE over your head ? i do . trying to run things past me like i cant tell . sly remarks . thinking that riding the borderline of right & wrong does not make me pay attention .

i read a book when i was seventeen called 'invisible man' . One of the characters believed strongly that you can cripple an oppressor by acting like everything is okay . He said, "undermine them with 'yessuhs' and 'okays' ". Now, this is either a cowardly approach for not standing up for yourself OR a smart one . A lot of the time, people pick the wrong battles with people . Me, for example, i am an observant person . If a person is knowingly doing me dirt, i like to watch . plain and simple . i can tell a lot about a person if they still continue to do wrong to me JUST because they 'think' i cant tell .

friends who steal from you . lmfbo
"relatives" who flirt with your significant other .
boyfriends/girlfriends that cant let go of baggage .
friends who lie to you constantly .
friends that compete with you and never wish you well .

Now, sometimes . . . people don't know that they are wrong & that's when a situation is worth addressing . Other times, however, i am that man from the story . i observe until i am ready to speak about it . . . and by then, it's all bad . someone like me who hates to feel manipulated . someone like me who is prideful . someone like me, or you or you or you ... should consider undermining by observation ?

swaying with honesty ;

pine trees and cinnamon .
she never knew what scent honesty could produce, but now she was enlightened.
she looked into the sky to see the sun, peeking its nose above the horizon to smell the pine trees and cinnamon .
it seemed as if the sun procrastinated its timely sleep into the other side of the world .

when she was tired of the lies and moral decay of the world ,
she ran into her emotional forrest . pushing through brances and hopping over thick tree stumps, she heaved and ran toward her familiar smell .

all she wanted was honesty . she found it here in the green landscape that God himself had in mind for perfection . these tall green giants sprinkled their thin needle-like leaves on her until she could see nothing more than joy . there was nothing artificial about it .

all the manipulation and deceit was pushed into the soil by these strong, nature creatures that breathed in unison with the breeze . they swayed and she breathed, taking in this addictive scent of green and sweet... this scent of real . who knew she would find her honesty in him ? who knew he would be her pine and cinnamon ? ....

earth day . go green before we go black .

the earth is our global body .
we're tatooing our earth's skin with massive pollution and consumption .
we suffocate our body's atmosphere with our vehicle gasses, industrial plants, and deforestation. we wear a global warming blanket of selfishness and naivete too thick to relieve our body of the heat . so instead, we burn .

our glaciers burn & melt.
water levels rising . people dying . we turn our backs, because it is not us ... yet.
we're expected to finally peel our eyes when the coasts of cali and new york sink like fat women in swimming pools ?

can you imagine a world with no plants ? no animals ? tornadoes in LA and drought in seattle ? another katrina catastrophe ? storms and fires and chaos galour . fire and ice twisted up together to burn us to death , then freeze us to say "i told you so" .

Americans are the anorexic, cutting, suicidal component of the earth's mind . why we consume so much ? i dont know exactly . but we are so arrogant, we use up everyone elses things . people are starving and suffering . we muffle their cries by running the water when we leave the room . we ease our ears by leaving all the lights on in the house when we go to the mall ... to buy up everything and toss it in 3 months .

God . help us .