So What Now: Digesting the Sweet Election Victory

You know, I did not know how liberated and empowered I felt as an American until I almost lost it all. Yesterday, I was genuinely scared … for numerous reasons.

One, I was scared that I was going to have to struggle for the remainder of my life. I know it sounds extreme, but it's true. The democratic and republican agendas differed so much that I would virtually live one of two extremes for the next four years. Also, the political self-esteem of minorities in this country is fragile. If we had lost the election yesterday, I’m not sure how powerful we would feel in the legislative process. “My vote doesn’t count” was said way too often yesterday. I was worried that this counterproductive mindset would scar us – and the future generations to come. That would ultimately change my livelihood forever. 

Two, I watched true American ignorance and desperation yesterday- from both democrats and republicans. When asked why they supported Romney, people said, “I … I just… believe in his policies.” When asked which policies, they could not answer. Mitt Romney and Barack Obama were both likened to the devil yesterday, and I heard democrats limiting republicans to “white people”. How limited. Like Joe Biden, our two-term vice president, is not white? This election has shed an ugly (but much needed) light on the division, classism, and racism in this country. Throughout this election, I have felt as though I’m perceived as “too incompetent” of making my own decisions about my sexuality, my body, education and career. That scares me because it is very reminiscent of a much older, hare-filled time.

Nevertheless, I feel empowered , proud and I have a little more hope in my country. At the end of the day, there are more struggling, compassionate, underrepresented people in this country than not. I hope they can see how their voice affects the nation. There is power in numbers and we can implement benevolence into politics. Those two concepts do not have to be oil and water. I am confident that we can work together for a stronger, cohesive livelihood in America. 

Congratulations to President Barack Obama- four more years. 

you got questions, I got answers !

“What advice would you give to courageous few that actually enjoy trying to solve the Rubik’s Cube of a woman's psyche? Any algorithms that you feel comfortable exposing? ”

It was actually interesting to hear that some men find the female psyche to be intriguing. Most times, it seems as though men equate the female mind to Alcatraz. There IS one thought that I feel comfortable exposing- and that is the see-saw between who women are and who we have to be. Let me explain.

Modern day women (especially women of color) are plagued with the responsibility to be independent. In case you have yet to notice, women’s rights have become more prominent in today’s political debates and issues. In the past sixty years, there have been uprisings of single-parent/mommy homes. Basically, women are groomed to be strong and independent more than ever before.

And most women love the autonomy. However, we’d love for men to be that pillar of strength for us sometimes too. We’re strong because we have to be, not because we want to step on any man-toes. It’s just that we have some reservations. For example, it’s frustrating for women because men send mixed signals. When she doesn’t need anybody, she is emasculating and domineering. Yet, when she lets her guard down and leans on you, she’s clingy. It can often times feel like men want us at their leisure but cannot handle authentic emotions that come with it. 

That’s why you have so many hot and cold, on and off women out there. So many women are reluctantly laying brick on top of brick- building emotional walls. They do not want to, but they know that men will try to conquer the territory with no real intention of staying in it. Something to think about? 

call me a nerd, but this was dope.

Standards vs. Expectations

Humans are generally social in nature. Our lives are based around constant communication and relationships; and they vary. Some relationships are strictly business- trading goods and services. Other relationships are personal – exchanging emotions and experiences for the betterment of their livelihood. I find more than ever that personal relationships seem to fail because people confuse “expectations” with “standards”.

A lot of us meet someone and have enormous expectations. Then, when they fall short, we’re angry with them because we expected more. That’s a set up for failure. Technically, the person we just met at the Starbucks or nightclub is still a stranger. Why do we expect so much from someone we just met?  After all, we hear more about trifling men and women than romance success stories.

So many women expect to meet a man who sees her and drops everything to be with her (give up his time, the sideline hoes, and “check-in” daily). They expect this "new man" to be consistent, attentive, and thoughtful. Those types of things are only seen with time. Sure, he may be sweet and charming, but who isn’t initially? Reliability shows itself over a course of time and circumstance.

Men, on the other hand, expect women to be matronly, sexy, devout and relationship-thirsty.  While I am not sure where these apron-wearing, stilt-stiletto pumping Mother Theresas are, I doubt she’ll be found on every corner. She needs to earn your expectations. Do not simply hand them over to the first girl with a pretty smile and charming personality.

Try to expect the best from the people who have proven that they can deliver. If a person shows that they are considerate and trust worthy then you have the right to be disappointed if they stray from their moral norm. Standards are the reason why you hold on to someone or let them go. Unlike expectations, standards are solely dependent on you. You set them.  You may not expect someone to treat you right, but you can know that you deserve it. Therefore, you can set certain standards for yourself. We cannot control what people do. However, we can control what we want for ourselves. 

If It Ain't Broke, Don't Mix It: The Disastrous Nature of the Mixed Signal

He texts you and says that he’s going to hang out with his friends tonight. You respond, “Have fun.” He reads your text and follows your instruction. The next day, he walks up to you and you greet him with a stiff kiss and cold nature. Silly him, thinking he should have fun when you told him to.

Oh, the beautiful mixed signal. How women adore thee.

I’d like for women to understand the catastrophic nature of mixed signals. Similarly, I’d like for guys to understand where it can come from at times. Most (but not all) women have fallen victim to mixed signals. We say one thing and mean something else. Or, our feelings can be so complex that we think we want something until … we don’t. I have to imagine that it can be hard on the opposite sex. Consider his frustration- trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube everyday just to get on your good side. I come across a lot of these scenarios in conversation:

-You tell a potential suitor that you’re not interested and then you become angry when he stops pursuing you. You wanted him to chase you and “fight for you”.  Women, you need to stop pretending that you are the director in your own romantic comedy. It’ll rarely go as you planned… primarily because you cannot write his script. He’s a human being with his own thoughts and actions. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t try to “trick” him into staying with you. Don’t try to trick him into the chase…cause that could be all he’s attracted to. That kind of logic backfires.

-A lot of times, you get nervous about being deemed as “nagging” or “emotional”. So, instead of saying what’s on your mind, you suppress your feelings. You don’t say anything about the all of the times your boyfriend cancelled on dinner plans. You won’t open up about your problems with family. You try to be as chill and easy-going as possible …until you explode. Then your guy is standing their looking confused and calling you crazy. It’s not “nagging” if you feel disrespected and it’s not “overly emotional” if it’s driving you insane.  Every guy has an “emotional cap” to deal with when it pertains to women. Some caps are higher than others. You need to stop trying to fit the mold for every guy- it’s a waste of time. Instead, find someone who will appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. Stop inadvertently apologizing for who you are. a lot of women are emotional ... that's nothing to be ashamed of...

We live in an era full of mixed signals and indirect communication. We communicate via text instead of the telephone. We talk on the phone instead of speaking in person. We use our Facebook and Instagram pages as smoke and mirror magic tricks to depict our lives. We care more about how things are perceived than how they actually are. Those priorities and mentalities leak into our relationships (or attempted ones). Personally, I have had my share of text message confusions and social network mishaps. We all fall victim (lol). Instead of hinting at what you mean, don't mix it ...SIMPLY SAY IT.