manquer phénoménal ♥

I usually have a mother's day post

...something figurative and flowery . however, today ill just vent and discuss a bit :]

Well, while i was laying flowers on my grandmother's grave today ...i talked to my dad about death . i asked him how he deals with losing a mother on a 10th year anniversary . he said, "i don't deal with it ." i have to admit that i was kind of let down by his answer . i expected him to say some profound speech that would help me to swallow my own mother's death . nevertheless, he told me about the 'good times' ... fighting off a mob of boys in the 'snake pits' when they tried to jack him for his graduation suit in 8th grade ... that suit his mom finally got off lay-a-way . he said, "i would've fought EVERYONE before i came home without that suit in my hands ." he told me about the time his mom carried his FIRST basketball award around in her purse because she was so proud . It made me realize that he does deal . he just holds on to the positive as a keepsake .

i can never explain what it's like to lose a mother . when i put those pink flowers on my mom's grave site today, i was not sad because she was gone . i was sad because i missed her & there's a difference . heaven is said to be a place of unspeakable joy, beyond the extension of our understanding . if my mom can escape all the BS off the world and be with God, then that brings peace to my soul . it's just the missing ... HS graduation, Spelman acceptance, my career, my marriage, christmas, my bro's prom, my children ... i wont be able to talk to her about it . it's just the missing . still, i am so thankful for a beautiful, bubbly, smart woman who loved me selflessly, relentlessly, and wisely . she is the epitome of who i want to be ... God, i am still thankful :]

RIP mommy, you are still so loved & missed .