please dont brake my heart .

I sat in "Just brakes" with a room full of people. While we waited for the too-timely fate of our worn-out brake pads, we discussed our own lives. One man sat diagonal from me in a red t-shirt and sweatpants. With his crackly porcelain skin and clear ice-blue eyes, he confided in us strangers about the three heart attacks he had in the past few years. The last and worst one caused him to flat line in the ambulance until he was revived by what he stated was the "grace of God". He was an earnest man and while i received my estimate - which hurt my pockets so much that i could have sworn i heard my pants moan out of pain- he encouraged me to smile.

The heavier set woman sitting inches from me was reading - what i had a strong suspicion to be a cheesy, erotic, romance novel. Yet and still, she exuded warmth through her pale cheeks. She light heartily spoke about her sons. One suffers heavily from PTSD after his time spent overseas in the war. After recounting the times when she barricaded herself in her room out of fear of his "episodes", she compares him to other accounts of the troubled mental instability. "There are plenty of men out there killing their families and/or themselves! I guess i don't have it that bad..." I tried to muster up my best smile possible.

My story could not compare. Or perhaps it could compare. I recounted the things i have dealt with, seen, and experienced. Then it hit me. As we shared life's potholes on the road to peace of heart and mind, we learned to cope. When hearing someone else's story, we think "How can someone deal with such a horrible, trying time?" Nevertheless, these are OUR lives and we have invested more time and thought to these puzzles of ours ... more than anyone else. We learn how to cope . God gives us the strength to cope.

understand me :

forgive me.

perhaps my mind is different- but i have come to the conclusion that life is so much bigger than me and you . i cant focus on the drama of 'He said & She said..." . I wont dwell on things that went wrong . I cant worry about competing with other women . i cannot give energy to the love of money & 'fitting in' ... all of those things are perishable and a complete waste of time . it's so self-centered, trivial and distracting .


the media spends so much time constructing your ideas of "desire" and manipulating your idea of who you want to be . they make you believe that their product is all about you ... that it's about bettering you ! they want youuu to have better hair, cooler clothes, smoother legs, less wrinkles, faster legs, better intimacy in bed, more expensive cars, eating healthier, have bigger boobs, and better experiences . in all actuality, it's about buying their CEO's new beach home in Fiji and buying their brand new rolex . it's so easy to fall into that trap ... trust me, i fall victim to it all the time (but im working on it lol) .


All we do is become narcissistic ; honestly, what good ever came from that ? you always here, ""all that matters is what's on the inside" and we roll our eyes in unison . yet, on a romantic level - who wants a relationship with a man who's caught up in "f*ck b*tches, get money" & the next 'function' for the weekend ? who wants relationships that are based more on the perception of having a girlfriend than a connection ? who wants a girl who spends more time in the mirror than she spends time getting to know you ? i simply need more . & im seeing the world in a bigger scope ...


people living in poverty across the globe, but more rich in character and generosity than anyone in the U.S. People that can honestly boast that they are who they are because of their foundation (and not because of what their friends will think) . in different parts of the world, men want women for more than sex . out in other countries, people aren't worried about getting tinted windows put on their impalas & being "the baddest b*tch" . in other places, their are people who are so spiritual that they can feel the tears of God ...



i guess ... things are changing .

cloudy with midnight showers .

women .
im so tired of men making women out to be some type of monster .
"women cheat more than men" . no, dummy ...we dont . its just that we are better at it , which makes you scared that we cheat more than men .
we're gold-diggers, sluts, manipulative, "leading the man astray ever since eve gave him fruit"
haha . if women messed up by leading men astray, then men messed up by failing to be the leader that they should have been. God told Adam not to eat the fruit, and a real leader would have told Eve, "No" . but anywho, i digressssss . lol i love men, dont get me wrong...but i dont love boys with supressed, false ideologies of the sexes .

on the contrary, women are strong creatures who deal with the hardest of obligations . holding a human being in your stomach for nine months is no joke . being born with a nurturing demeanor and ability of compassion is a lot to handle ... giving birth to boys just to have them call you bitch, slut, and whores . pretty discouraging .

with such heavy weight to carry, i came to this conclusion:
if i had to settle down ...
i would want a guy who wants to be my support system ;
a guy who would rather take my burdens as his own than risk the chance of my unhappiness.
a guy who is strong enough to carry my worries with me .

a guy who makes my soul heavy with gratitude .