never shoulda .

my disappointment
my lack of hope
my exhaustion
is pressing against the borders of my body . its like smoke. i cant grab it quick enough to set it loose. it just sits like nicotine smoke. infecting my life. i try to close my eyes and all i can see are the shapes and colors of rejection and hope yet lost again . i lay down and i feel the pricks of shock . what i thought was, wasnt . what i thought i didnt want, i did . what i want to be simplistic is twisting around my thoughts and feelings, mending the line of distinction . the things i want the most, are the things i cant admit . the things i want the most, are the things im scared to lose . i thought i had time. but the hands on the clock are wrapping around my neck ... squeezing tighter everydaybreakmyheart . pressure, pressure, pressure, pressure, pressure, pressure, pressure . he kicked me in the heart with the most gentle of sorts. so who could be mad? the remedy is to tape my heart's wounds. cause contrary to belief, they never heal .